Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999)

Bill Corbett: Crow T. Robot, Observer, Crow, Extra Monkey, Krankor, Judge, Leonardo di Vinci, Mutant, Phil

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Tom Servo : What do you think the lesson of the movie was?

  Crow : Don't watch it.

• Crow : I have my doubts that this movie is actually "starring" anybody. More like "camera is generally pointed at."

• Crow : What's the point of a helmet in skydiving, in case you land on your head?

• [Things have gotten even stupider in the movie they're watching] 

  Crow : Mike, I demand that you kill me.

  Tom Servo : Me too.

• Crow : [Watching an obviously gay character in a short]  Liberace *wishes* he was this gay.

• Crow : This looks like it was filmed in Mordor.

• [the movie suddenly goes black] 

  Crow : Are we dead, Mike?

• Crow : Ya' know, if we PRETEND we know whats going on, this is actually kind of exciting.

• Dr. Darwin : OK, let's keep this short.

  Crow : Oh, why start now?

• Tom Servo : So the rest of the movie is just watching them all get shot one by one?

  Crow : We may enjoy it.

• Crow : Come on Metamucil. Work your magic.

• Crow : No fair. You can't flash back to stuff we saw ten seconds ago.

• Crow : Thrill as they listen really hard.

  Tom Servo : Marvel as they listen even harder.

• Crow : Is the first stage of grief pure unbridled joy?

• Crow : The only response to this film is pure, unbridled hate.

• Crow : He died gargling.

• Teenage boy : Mr. Miller, is something wrong?

  Crow : Sit down, pie-face. It's a long list.

• Crow : This is an example of a time when parents should have crushed their child's dream of becoming a filmmaker.

• Narrator : He's the champion calf roper of senior high.

  Crow : And next year's janitor.

• [Ten minutes into the movie] 

  Crow : Oh, it's over, did that movie seem really long to you?

• [after a movie's vain attempt at humor] 

  Crow : That was supposed to make us sad, right?

• Crow : I hate it when a movie kills off a beloved character. This is great, though.

• Crow : You see, son, we all die alone and afraid.

• [reading credits] 

  Mike Nelson : Leon Leon?

  Crow : He had the laziest, most unimaginative parents in the WORLD.

• Crow : You know Mike, this Ryder guy's like you.

  Mike Nelson : Huh.

  Crow : No seriously, take away his personality and attractiveness to women and it's you.

  Mike Nelson : Oh, thank you...

• Crow : This guy does not know how to make a normal entrance.

• Crow : I'm going to read you parts of "The Picture of Dorian Gray", and I want you to be honest with me.

• Thug : They are aware of our plans.

  Crow : I got... sort of... chatty.

• Tom Servo : Where are you going, General?

  Crow : I'm going to Berlin to personally shoot that paper-hanging-son-of-a-bitch.

• Crow : Note to self: Never vacation on an active volcano.

• Crow : Oh, my God. The humidifier committed suicide.

• Crow : Let's see... Boys life, Highlights, Popular Sceince... My own autopsy report.

• Crow : It's the all idiot channel.

• [Servo has a flame-thrower for an arm] 

  Crow : What matter of bot' are you, who can summon up fire without flint or timber?

• Crow : Monster, 2: Zeros, 0.

• Crow : Say, that's a good view of the fiery hell-beast.

• Crow : I can fly. I can fly. I can't fly.

• Badool : My name is Badool

  Crow : No, wait, that's my intestinal condition.

  Badool : Can you say "Badool"?

  Pearl Forrester : Let me try. "Get bent". No, I guess I can't

• Crow : Yeah, he can sense danger. A Post-It note could sense danger better than this guy.

• Crow : [to a peaceful bit of folk music]  My anaconda don't want none less you got buns hon.

• Nick : So, are you making dinner?

  Lisa : Are you offering dinner?

  Crow : No, I'm saying "MAKE ME DINNER!"

• Mike Nelson : [the hero is stuck in a tree]  Oh, he's looking for honey, like Pooh.

  Crow : He's like poo alright.

  Tom Servo : Maybe it's Endor, hopefully he'll be ripped apart by Ewoks.

• Adam : He's not dead, I have these papers...

  Crow : Proving he's not dead!

  Adam : He's in a state of suspended animation.

  Mike Nelson : Santa came down from heaven and made him better!

• Crow : [on a freaky nightmare]  This is what happened when I took NyQuill and sudafed together.

• Crow : Fight direction by William Shatner.

• Crow : [we see a wrecked army base]  Oh no! They let Stan Laurel watch the hut!

  Tom Servo : Here we see the wreckage of the great snowball wars of ninteen fifty five.

  Mike Nelson : Snowballs are still outlawed by the Geneva convention

  Crow : You know, maybe the army shouldn't have recruited Keith Moon.

• Crow : There is NO way this guy is the hero of the film. Come on movie, movie can I see your supervisor movie, this will not stand!

• Crow : [Nick opens the fridge, all that's in it is green goo in a bag]  Loser status confirmed!

  Tom Servo : Please... eat... me!

• Crow : Chickens are a cruel people.

• Crow : Well Mike, that's just the difference between you and me.

  Mike Nelson : You hire deranged psychopaths as caterers and I don't?

  Crow : Exactly.

• Crow : [his testemony in Mike's trial]  Hi. I'm Crow T. Robot, and I'm just letting you know Mike Nelson is

  [beep] 

  Crow : ing innocent, so

  [beep] 

  Crow : you

  [beep] 

  Crow : ers. And that goes for your bull

  [bleep] 

  Crow : court system too. Mike, I'm so

  [bleep] 

  Crow : ing sorry I couldn't be there, so take care you

  [beep] 

  Crow : er.

• Observer : [studying Mike]  His humid, fleshy extensions struggle as he attempts to conquer some simple, seemingly purposeless toy. Already a sense of pity overcomes me, yet I am propelled by my own compassion. Although his biological makeup implies a living thing, I am sure we shall discover him to be an animated piece of refuse or feces; but I must remain impartial even as he mocks everything I hold dear. I hate him. I can only pray that his tiny spinal column conveys no spark of truth, no splinter of the horrible reality that is his own soul. My god, I pray for his death and to all things that love rightness and decency...

• Pearl Forrester : Quiet, you fool. I found the ancient family diary of the Forrester clan. It's fascinating. Ancient numbers for ancient bookies. Topaz Wallingford Thiesenstein Forrester really knew how to play the ponies. And here, 1,000 year old malt liquor labels. And an antediluvian form of chicken-in-a-biscuit called Her Majesty's Fool's Hen Cracklebread. What a rich and marvelous past. What's this? Apparently, my ancestors have always been involved in odd experiments. Amethyst Rogento Forrester trapped a man in a cave and pushed in bad paintings of the hunt. Emerald Montgomery Forrester trapped a man on an island and forced him to read poorly done parchments and... and, could this be... Adventerine Sowbodaford Forrester trapped a man in a tree and told him really bad sagas... it's incredible. I have a feeling I'm on to something here, Nelson... some power, some force beyond my control. And it doesn't look good for you. Ha ha ha ha.

  Observer : I think you're getting off the point just a tad, you might want...

  Pearl Forrester : Cower, world. Tremble, world. Run and mule and puke in terror, world. Ready. Haaarch.

• Adam : How did you know I was here?

  Woman : I saw the flash light.

  Crow : Plus you were crashing around like a drunk elephant.

• Adam : You think this is all there is to America? Apple pie and all that jazz?

  Crow : And hula-hoops and dungarees?

  Adam : Well it's my job to keep the apple on the table and no-one questions how I do it.

  Mike Nelson : I'll just need an hour to figure out your metaphor.

• Crow : Nihassi told me I look like a walrus.

• Dr. Darwin : A blank brain.

  Crow : [brainwashed]  Hooray for socks.

• Crow : [during a song number]  Heck, when they said amateur night they weren't kidding.

• Crow : My hair challenges yours to a fight!

• Crow : I'm Sheriff Pink.

• Crow : I throw my doll at you!

• Richie Havens-Sounding Guy : [singing]  Sashay sashay through the sarcasm...

  Crow : [sarcastically]  Oh, I'm *really* sashaying through the sarcasm.

• Mike Nelson : [looking in book]  So these are the catch-phrases I can choose from?

  Crow : Yep. Oh, here's a good one! "Kiss off, slappy!"

  Mike Nelson : Nah, that's not really me. Oh, here's one that oughta get the kids going! "We're all out of toner!"

  [pause] 

  Mike Nelson : [slightly unsure]  Uh, "Don't run on my wet floor?"

  [pause] 

  Mike Nelson : [very unsure now]  "Secretary... please read off the m-minutes from... "

  Crow : Oh, geez...

  Tom Servo : Pathetic! Mike, knock it off!

  Mike Nelson : Oh, Pearl's calling!

  Tom Servo : I said, cut it out, Mike!

  Mike Nelson : No, see, she is! See?

  Tom Servo : Oh, yeah, sorry!

• Tom Servo : Hi, everyone, kind of a tough moment. We just tapped into earth's geneology records and discovered the cause of this simian holocaust. You see, virtually every single one of Mike's decendants married apes!

  Mike Nelson : Come on, all my grandkids?

  Crow : Yep.

  Mike Nelson : What about great grandchildren?

  Crow : Checking... yes! Francis Nelson married a macaque, otherwise they all married great apes.

  Tom Servo : You can see why he's upset folks.

  Crow : Thomas Ryan Nelson married a slow lorus. Kevin R.W. Nelson, probably a great great grandchild, who married a ruffed lemur... Yep! Your family liked its monkeys Mike!

  Mike Nelson : Thomas Ryan Nelson married a slow lorus. Kevin R.W. Nelson, probably a great great grandchild, who married a ruffed lemur... Yep! Your family liked its monkeys Mike!

  Crow : Oh it was quite unusual... hey hey hey hey, here's a Wilburt H. Nelson who married a Sara Thompson of Oak Park Illinois. Uh Ohhh... seems he kept an aye aye in an apartment downtown. Ha hoo hoo, this is not pretty stuff. Here's a W.D. Nelson who married eight times... silverbacked gorilla, one two and three, then he picked up a penchant for a bonobo and married those four times before wedding a japanese snow monkey on a day before...

  Mike Nelson : OK, OK Crow, I think everyones heard enough. I think we all get the point.

  Crow : Mike I think I speak for all of us when I say... GOOD ONE NELSON!

  Tom Servo : I'm locking up my sock monkey, I'll give you that much for free.

• Crow : Old guy, there's another old guy to see you.

• [Mike appears in the theater after trying to strangle Bobo] 

  Crow : Mike, why were you choking the monkey?

  Mike Nelson : Because I... hey.

• Observer : I'm not THAT omnipotent.

• Crow : Oh, Gypsy, we're giving you a shower.

  Tom Servo : Oh, look, she's surprised. Isn't that darling?

  Gypsy : Well, I'm not getting married. Am I pregnant?

• Crow : Does just walking through it make you want to kill yourself? Then it's a HIGH SCHOOL.

• Crow : She undercut the subtle nuance of my wiener joke.

• Crow : Ooo. I bet that would taste great with drawn butter. Of course, I'd eat my own HEAD with drawn butter.

• Crow : The ONLY end, my friend.

  Mike Nelson : Ya, and the children are all insane, right?

• Crow : They withheld all the interesting people 'till the end of the movie...

• Crow : Five hours of staring at a window finally pays off.

• Crow : Well, I suppose I could just eat the boat and spit them out.

• Crow : So, the only effect of his complete immolation is... minor irritation and redness?

• Crow : White Beer, there's a trailer park of taste in every bottle.

• Crow : I felt a disturbance, like a million monkeys cried out at once, then all were silenced. The world... is no more.

  [the lights and sirens go off] 

  Tom Servo : And even worse... WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIGNS!

• Crow : Oh great, the nutty birdman from apartment 4B is going to give us a religious insight.

• [a character tells someone to set a device on "nuclear"] 

  Crow : Oh great, what was it on before? 'Defrost'?

• Mike Nelson : Hi, folks. Mike Nelson here. Crow and Servo are about to help me with the annual Satellite of Love safety check. You guys ready?

  Crow : Roger.

  Tom Servo : Ramjet.

  Mike Nelson : Fire extinguisher?

  Tom Servo : Empty.

  Crow : Shot it off in your face. Next.

  Mike Nelson : Okay. Flare gun?

  Tom Servo : Did it.

  Crow : Shot it off in your face. Next.

  Mike Nelson : First aid kit?

  Tom Servo : Used it to treat your flare burns.

  Mike Nelson : Right. Parachute?

  Crow : Gym class.

  Mike Nelson : Life vest?

  Tom Servo : Faulty.

  Mike Nelson : Ham radio?

  Crow : Mistook it for an actual ham.

  Mike Nelson : There, the Satellite of Love is completely unsafe. Hey, does anything work?

  Tom Servo : Yeah, the toaster over. We used it to bake the ham radio. Mmmm.

  Mike Nelson : Oh, OK, well then. We're dead. We'll be right back

  Crow : Come on, Mike, we're gonna go stick our heads in the towel dispenser.

  Tom Servo : Weeee.

• Scientist in movie : Oh no...

  Crow : The thing we're looking for is COMING, oh no...

• Crow : So, anyway, guys, who did they think this movie would appeal to? Elderly squirrels?

  Tom Servo : People without heads?

  Mike Nelson : Used napkins?

  Crow : Italians?

  Mike Nelson : Crow. That's getting off the point.

  Crow : You're right. Uhh... Germans?

• Crow : That was an official thing I just did.

• Crow : Are we in this scene, or are we supposed to be back with the mole-people?

• Crow : My breasts led me here.

• Crow : Tolkien couldn't follow this plot.

• Peg : Oh, Liz, everyone isn't as slow as you and Andy.

  Crow : Besides, you're a Romulan.

• Crow : Here's two bucks baby, cause that's all you're worth.

• Tom Servo : So what if your clone is a hard-drinking, hard-living clone?

  Crow : We need your liver to keep your CLONE alive.

• Crow : I seem to have died, is that a problem?

• [during the opening credits] 

  Crow : I'm not even going to watch this credit, I'm just going to look away until it's gone.

• Crow : Hey hotshot, you ever used a tranquilizer gun RECTALLY before?

• Crow : You've got monster.

• Crow : Here comes Mike, destroyer of worlds.

  Tom Servo : O god of fire and vengeance, stay away from me.

• Crow : This is how I go fishing guys, with a flash light and a flamethrower.

• Crow : The Queen Mother could heat up a room more than this.

  Tom Servo : Yea. I've seen sexier girdle ads.

• Crow : C'mon photo. I'll cut ya. I'll cut ya real good.

• [In his Groucho Marx voice] 

  Crow : Say the secret word and get killed by a psycho.

• Crow : After his near death experience, Dirk learns a new appreciation for smut.

• Crow : I toast your sleaziness.

• Crow : Arsenic sucker, that should do it.

• Crow : Lets go cream some fish.

• Crow : Did someone drop some femurs over here?

• [Father Mushroom appears] 

  Mike Nelson : so what does a mushroom eat for hallucinations?

  Crow : I think they lick toads.

• Crow : The movie that dares to ask, will he find the dwarf?

• Crow : I have terminal enchantment right now.

• Crow : WOW. That's 10 pounds of butt in 5 pound butt-capacity pants.

• Crow : What did he say? Fart and get some sleep?

• Crow : Oh no Klein, Don't take off you clothes.

• Detective : Now what can we do for you Mr Romaine?

  Crow : Make me a salad.

• Crow : His face never really came together.

• Crow : Natural born cheapskates.

• Crow : Put a sock in it, Legolas.

• Crow : You've never heard of the "Getting Some" clause?

• Crow : Couldn't we watch a more cheerful film like "The Sorrow and the Pity"?

• Crow : Hundreds of dancers are loaded into a C-31 transport and dropped on Singapore.

• Crow : He never fought that big a puppet before.

• [Crow has gone back in time and talked to himself] 

  Crow : Man, I was a real jerk a half-an-hour ago.

• Crow : Oh my God, please say this isn't happening.

• Crow : Come child labor. Kids. I mean kids.

• Crow : He's being compelled to hold a skull against his neck.

• Crow : He's Batman.

• [Jack Palance is about to be attacked by a vicious guard dog] 

  Crow : Damn. He saw "City Slickers 2".

• Dr. Darwin : The computer sucked everything in.

  Crow : "Sucked", Let's go with that word, movie.

• Crow : Oh, that'll go nice in his "fury, mutant Hell-beast from space" collection.

• Jody : Is there anyone in this house that I don't know about?

  Crow : Well, you know Wilma Failed-Genetic-Experiment, right?

• Nick : Hello, Mrs. Hinez...

  Crow : How's your ketchup empire?

• Crow : I'll give you a cookie, if you shut up!

• Crow : He made Satan the owner of my soul! I gotta' give it to you, Merlin! Good one!

• Crow : Ah, the haunting "bakery" theme.

• Crow : Enjoy your (hehe) drink?

• Johnny : Oh. I see...

  Crow : They found the body, huh?

• [zooming in, we see the moon become grainy and out of focus] 

  Crow : [dumbstruck]  Th-THAT'S JUST A PICTURE OF THE MOON!

• [Crow shows off a snack he made with his new onion blossomer] 

  Crow : Hey, Mike. Want a try?

  [Mike samples the snack] 

  Mike Nelson : Mmmm, that's pretty good.

  Crow : Try it with my special dipping sauce.

  [Mike tries it with the dipping sauce] 

  Mike Nelson : Not bad.

  [Tom comes in with his dome missing] 

  Tom Servo : Hey, that looks good! What is it?

  Crow : Your head.