Coming to America (1988)

Arsenio Hall: Semmi, Morris, Extremely Ugly Girl, Reverend Brown

Photos 

Quotes 

• Rev. Brown : You see, I love the lawd. You understand what I'm sayin'? I love the lawd. And if lovin' the lawd is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

• Rev. Brown : I got a special treat for ya' this evening, a young man that you all know as Joe the Policeman from the "What's Going Down" episode of "That's My Momma". I want you to put your hands together, and welcome him to the stage. Big round of applauds for Jackson Heights own, Mr. Randy Watson, YES! Randy Watson!

• King Jaffe Joffer : Semmi, you have disgraced yourself and you must be punished. You will confine yourself to our royal suite at the Waldorf-Astoria.

  [to Oha] 

  King Jaffe Joffer : And see that he puts on some decent attire.

  [to the rose bearers] 

  King Jaffe Joffer : And I want you to bathe him thoroughly.

  Semmi : Oh, thank you, Your Majesty!

• Clarence : You must be outta your God-damned mind! Joe Louis the greatest boxer who ever lived. I'll be with you boys in a minute. He was badder than Cassius Clay, he was better than Sugar Ray, he was badder than - who's that new boy? Mike Tyson! Look like a bull dog! He was badder than him too! He'd whip Mike Tyson's ass, he'd whip all their asses!

  Saul : What about Rocky Marciano?

  Clarence : Oh, there they go! There they go! Every time I start talking about boxing, a white man gotta pull Rocky Marciano outta their ass! That's they one! That's they one! Rocky Marciano! Rocky Marciano! Lemme tell you something once and for all! Rocky Marciano was good, but compared to Joe Louis, Rocky Marciano ain't shit!

  Saul : He beat Joe Louis's ass!

  Morris : That's right, he did whip Joe Louis's ass!

  Clarence : Joe Louis was seventy-five years old when he fought!

  Morris : I don't know how old he was, but he got his ass whooped.

  Clarence : Joe Louis had come out of retirement to fight Rocky Marciano! The man was seventy-six years old! Joe Louis always lied about his age! He lied about his age all the time! One time, Frank Sinatra came in here, and sat in this chair. I say, "Frank, you hang out with Joe Louis. Just between me and you, how old is Joe Louis?" Know what Frank told me? He said "Hey, Joe Louis is a hundred thirty-seven years old." A hundred and thirty-seven years old!

  Sweets : Oh, man, you ain't never meet no Frank Sinatra.

  Clarence : FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! AND FUCK YOU! Who's next?

• Rev. Brown : I'm gonna pray for ya. And I want you to hold onto God's unchangin' hand. Cause it helped Joshua fight the battle of Jericho. Yes! It helped Daniel get out the lion's den. It helped *Gilligan* get off the island. Lawd!

• Saul : A man has the right to change his name to vatever he vants to change it to. And if a man vants to be called Muhammad Ali, godammit this is a free country, you should respect his vishes, and call the man Muhammad Ali!

  Morris : His mamma call him Clay, imma call him Clay.

  Saul : Then you're a putz. All of you are putzes. They should change the sign outside from My-T-Sharp to 'ze Three Putzes.

• Reverend Brown : Girl, you look so good, someone ought to put you on a plate and sop you up with a biscuit.

• Telegraph Lady : You actually want to send this?

  Semmi : Why? What is wrong? Read it to me.

  Telegraph Lady : To His Majesty, King Jaffe Joffer, The Royal Palace, Zamunda. Sire, Akeem and I have depleted our funds. Kindly send 300, 000 American dollars immediately, as we are in dire straits. Your humble servant, Sem-i.

  Semmi : [correcting her]  Semmi.

  Telegraph Lady : Semmi.

  Semmi : Should I make it 400,000?

  Telegraph Lady : You think that'd be enough?

  Semmi : You are right. 500,000.

  Telegraph Lady : As long as you're asking, why not go for a cool million?

  Semmi : You do not think that would be too much?

  Telegraph Lady : Naah.

• Prince Akeem : I want a woman that's going to arouse my intellect as well as my loins!

  Semmi : Where will you find such a woman?

  Prince Akeem : In America!

• Semmi : Now let's see if you can defend yourself, you sweat from a baboon's balls.

• Rev. Brown : [at Black Awareness Rally]  But you know, when I look at these contestants! For the Miss Black Awareness Pageant, I feel good! I feel good, because I know there's a God somewhere! There's a God somewhere! Turn around ladies for me please! You know there's a God who sits on high and looks down low! Man cannot make it like this! Larry Flynt! Hugh Hefner! They can take the picture, but you can't make it! Only God above, the Hugh Hefner on high, can make it for ya!

  Semmi : [in audience to Akeem]  Apparently these are the best women Queens has to offer. Pick one and let's go home.

  Prince Akeem : Be patient, my friend.

  Rev. Brown : Do you love Him? Do you feel joy? Say "Joy"!

  Prince Akeem : Joy!

  Rev. Brown : Joy! Can I get an "Ahe-men"? Don't be ashamed to call His name!

  Awareness Woman : Yes, Lord!

  Rev. Brown : Only God can give that woman the kind of joy she has right there! Make a joyful noise unto the Lord!

  Prince Akeem : I am very happy to be here!

  Rev. Brown : Amen! Yes, sir! Can I get an "Amen"? Ha! Ha! I don't know you what you come to do, but *I* come to praise the name! Lord, Lord!

• Semmi : But where in New York can one find a woman with grace, elegance, taste and culture? A woman suitable for a king.

  Prince Akeem , Semmi : Queens!

• [Akeem is leaving America without Lisa] 

  Semmi : Look at it this way, at least we learned how to make French Fries.

• Extremely Ugly Girl : [to Akeem, in a husky, masculine voice]  I hope you don't mind me coming over and sitting down but I've been watching you all evening. And I wanna tear you apart. And your friend, too.

  [Semmi spits his drink out] 

• Clarence : Heyyy, it's the boys from Africa, how y'all doin this evenin'?

  Prince Akeem : Sir, where can one go to find nice women here?

  Clarence : You gotta get out and look, they ain't just gonna fall on your lap.

  Semmi : We've been to every bar in Queens.

  Clarence : Well, that's where you messed up, son, you can't go to no bar to find a nice woman. You gotta go to a nice place, a quiet place like a library, there's good women there and 'erm, church, they're good girls.

• Prince Akeem : So, you would share your bed, and your fortune, with a beautiful fool?

  Semmi : That is the way it has always been with men of power. It is tradition.

• Semmi : Apparently these are the best women Queens has to offer. Pick one and let's go home.

• Sweets : [Morris drops a chicken bone into the collection basket]  Donations! Donations!

  Morris : Oh! I thought it was the trash!

• Semmi : [looking at America on a globe]  The land is so big. The choices so infinite. Where shall we go, Los Angeles or New York?

• Semmi : Let me get this straight. You can have a woman that will obey your every command, but you want a woman who has an *opinion*!

  Prince Akeem : Only dogs are to obey.

• Semmi : [noticing all the people on the street are wearing African robes]  I'm beginning to suspect that these are the people that have stolen our luggage.

  Street Hustler : Yo, you wanna buy some toothbrushes, man?

  [he opens his coat to reveal a bunch of gold toothbrushes, razors etc] 

  Street Hustler : This is some real fly personal hygiene equipment I got here, man.

  [pulls out a gold hairdryer] 

  Street Hustler : And I got a hell of a hairdryer over here too, check it out.

  Semmi : Thief!

  [the hustler runs away, Semmi just stands there and points at him, expecting him to obey] 

  Semmi : Stop, thief! Come back, thief!

• Semmi : Freeze, you diseased rhinoceros pizzle!

• Morris : Pound for pound, Sugar Ray Robinson's the greatest fighter that ever lived!

  Clarence : Aw, come on, man! What about Joe Louis?

  Saul : The Brown Bomber! Now that was a great boxer!

  Morris : You damn right!

  Sweets : I suppose nobody in here ever heard of Cassius Clay?

  Morris : He got a point. Cassius Clay was a bad motherfucker!

  Clarence : I ain't saying Clay ain't bad. I'm just saying I stopped liking Cassius Clay once he changed his name to Moh-hammad Ali! What kinda shit is that?

  Saul : Wait a second, wait a second! A man has got the right to change his name to whatever he wants to change it to. And if a man wants to be called Muhammad Ali, Goddamit, this is a free country, you should respect his wishes, and call the man Muhammad Ali!

  Morris : His Momma named him Clay, I'm gonna call him Clay.

  Clarence : Mmm-hmm! That's right!

  Sweets : I say Clay.

  Saul : Get outta here.

  Clarence : Ha-ha-ha! That's right! That's right! He gonna always be Clay to me. I don't give a fuck what he change his name to. He is Clay! He Clay to me. I say Clay.

  Saul : Well, then, you're a putz. The three of you. Three putzes. You should change the name outside from My-T-Sharp to The Three Putzes.

• Semmi : Do you realise that I have not had sex since we got to America?

• Semmi : I am badly in need of a manicure.

• Semmi : This trip is an *excellent* idea. 40 days of fornication!

• Prince Akeem : If you truly love your wife, you will value her opinion.

  Semmi : Hippopotamus shit! You're the heir to the throne of Zamunda. Your wife need only have a pretty face, a firm backside, and big breasts like casaba melons.

• Prince Akeem : Can you make my hair look like this?

  Clarence : Oh, man, what do you want your hair to look like that for? Why, I like the way you wear your hair. You wear it natural. That's good, man. You know, I wish more of the young children today would wear their hair natual like Dr. Martin Luther King did. That's right. You ain't never seen Dr. Martin Luther King with no messy jeri curl on this head. Ain't that right?

  Morris : Amen.