Wanda: [after Otto breaks in on Wanda and Archie in Archie's flat and hangs him out the window] I was dealing with something delicate, Otto. I'm setting up a guy who's incredibly important to us, who's going to tell me where the loot is and if they're going to come and arrest you. And you come loping in like Rambo without a jockstrap and you dangle him out a fifth-floor window. Now, was that smart? Was it shrewd? Was it good tactics? Or was it stupid?

Otto West: Don't call me stupid.

Wanda: Oh, right! To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I've known sheep that could outwit you. I've worn dresses with higher IQs. But you think you're an intellectual, don't you, ape?

Otto West: Apes don't read philosophy.

Wanda: Yes they do, Otto. They just don't understand it. Now let me correct you on a couple of things, OK? Aristotle was not Belgian. The central message of Buddhism is not "Every man for himself." And the London Underground is not a political movement. Those are all mistakes, Otto. I looked them up.

[Otto dangles Archie out a window]

Archie: All right, all right, I apologise.

Otto: You're really sorry.

Archie: I'm really really sorry, I apologise unreservedly.

Otto: You take it back.

Archie: I do, I offer a complete and utter retraction. The imputation was totally without basis in fact, and was in no way fair comment, and was motivated purely by malice, and I deeply regret any distress that my comments may have caused you, or your family, and I hereby undertake not to repeat any such slander at any time in the future.

Otto: OK.

Otto: You pompous, stuck-up, snot-nosed, English, giant, twerp, scumbag, fuck-face, dickhead, asshole.

Archie: How very interesting. You're a true vulgarian, aren't you?

Otto: You are the vulgarian, you fuck.

Ken: Rev-enge!

Otto: [laughing] It's K-K-K-Ken! C-c-c-coming to k-k-k-kill me! How you gonna c-c-c-catch me, K-K-K-Ken?

Otto: Don't call me stupid.

Wendy: Why on earth not?

Otto: Oh, you English are *so* superior, aren't you? Well, would you like to know what you'd be without us, the good ol' U.S. of A. to protect you? I'll tell you. The smallest fucking province in the Russian Empire, that's what! So don't call me stupid, lady. Just thank me.

Wendy: Well, *thank* you for popping in and protecting us.

Otto: If it wasn't for us, you'd all be speaking *German!* Singing "Deutschland, Deutschland über alles..."

Otto: [practicing his apology] Oh, I'm so very, very, very ssssssssssss... FUCK YOU!

Otto: You know your problem? You don't like winners.

Archie: Winners?

Otto: Yeah. Winners.

Archie: Winners, like North Vietnam?

Otto: Shut up. We didn't lose Vietnam. It was a tie!

Archie: [going into a cowboy-like drawl] I'm tellin' ya baby, they kicked your little ass there. Boy, they whooped yer hide REAL GOOD.

Otto: I'm, uh, Harvey. Manfred... jen... sen... den.

[repeated line]

Otto: Asshole!

Wanda: I'm sorry about my brother, Ken. I know he's insensitive. He's had a hard life. Dad used to beat him up.

Ken: Good.

Otto: [puts a bag over Archie's head] Hello, Mr. Burglar! Going somewhere? Thought you could rob Mr. Leach, eh? Well, I'm going to teach you a lesson!

[kicks him in the stomach]

Otto: He just happens to be a very good friend of mine!

Archie: Otto! Otto! Otto!

Otto: [comes back with a long-handled pan] And he's going to be very pleased with me to find you here, all tied up and ready for the police!

[knocks Archie out with a pan]

Otto: And don't call me "Otto." To you, I am "Mr..."

[stops, lifts bag, sees it's Archie, screams]

Otto: Oh, my God... Oh... Oh my God. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[pats Archie's face]

Otto: Please, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't know it was you. How could I know it was you? I mean, how could you expect me to guess? Stupid jerk! I mean, what the fuck were you doing *robbing* your *own house?*

[kicks Archie in the stomach]

Otto: You asshole! You stupid, stiff, pompous, English...!

[screams and recoils]

Otto: I'm sorry! I'm sorry. Uh... uh... yeah.


Otto West: Look, you obviously don't know anything about intelligence work, lady. It's an X-K-Red-27 technique.

Wendy: My father was in the Secret Service, Mr. Manfredjinsinjin, and I know perfectly well that you don't keep the general public informed when you are "debriefing KGB defectors in a safe house."

Wanda: What about my tits?

Otto: Does he get to handle them?

Wanda: Yes, he does. That's my forecast and I'll stand by it.

Otto: Would this also involve... nuzzling?

Wanda: Yes, I think three million dollars is worth a bit of nuzzling. Fifty percent chance of that.

Otto: Sucking?

Wanda: I thought you weren't jealous?

Otto: I'm not. I don't believe in jealousy, it's for the weak. One thing though. Touch his dick and he's dead!

Otto: I love watching your ass when you walk. Is that beautiful or what? Don't go near him, he's mine.

Archie: Your brother didn't bring you here this time, did he?

Wanda: No.

Archie: He's no idea?

Wanda: He doesn't have a clue.

Archie: What?

Wanda: He's so dumb...

Archie: Really?

Wanda: ...he thought that the Gettysburg Address was where Lincoln lived.

Otto: You're a very attractive man, Ken. You're... smart, you've got wonderful bones, great eyes, and you dress really interestingly.

Ken: What you...?

Otto: We could have a lot of fun together, you and I. And I think we'd be really good for each other. What do you say?

Ken: You must be j-j-j...

Otto: May I kiss you, Ken?

[tries to kiss him]

Ken: No, you fucking can't!

[runs away]

[repeated line]

Otto: Don't call me stupid!

Archie: You make me feel free.

Wanda: Free?

Archie: Wanda, do you have any idea what it's like being English? Being so correct all the time, being so stifled by this dread of, of doing the wrong thing, of saying to someone "Are you married?" and hearing "My wife left me this morning," or saying, uh, "Do you have children?" and being told they all burned to death on Wednesday. You see, Wanda, we'll all terrified of embarrassment. That's why we're so... dead. Most of my friends are dead, you know, we have these piles of corpses to dinner. But you're alive, God bless you, and I want to be, I'm so fed up with all this. I want to make love with you, Wanda. I'm a good lover - at least, used to be, back in the early 14th century. Can we go to bed?

Wanda: Yeah.

Wanda: I looked at the clock... because I was saying to myself... It's five to seven, where could he be going with that sawed off shotgun?

[Archie visits George, who is guarded by two policemen]

Archie: We need to talk.

George: You tell those pigs to fuck off.

Archie: Fuck off, pigs.

[the two policemen don't move]

Archie: Did you hear what I said? Fuck off!

Otto: Avoid the green ones. They're not ripe yet.

Otto: Ok... Ok... DISAPPOINTED. Son of a bitch. What do you have to do in this world to make people trust you?

Wanda: Shut up.

Otto: People are always taking advantage of me.

Wanda: Shut up and think.

[Otto pulls out a silenced pistol and fires two shots at the safe]

Wanda: What are you doing?

Otto: I'm thinking.

Airline Employee: Aisle or window, smoking or non?

Otto: What was the part in the middle?

Wanda: Aristotle was not Belgian, the principle of Buddhism is not "every man for himself", and the London Underground is not a political movement. Those are all mistakes, Otto. I looked them up.

[after steamrollering Otto]

Ken: "K-k-k-k-Ken." You bastard. Hey, I've lost my stutter. It's gone. I can speak. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

George: [excited] Unbe-fuck-alievable!

Otto: Don't call me stupid.

Wendy: Why on earth not?

Wanda: Let's make love.

Archie: Well, if you absolutely insist...

[Archie has put his gun down to fist fight with Otto]

Archie: I used to box for Oxford.

Otto: Oh, yeah?

[Otto quickly picks up Archie's gun, and points it at him]

Otto: I used to kill for the CIA.

Wanda: You just wanted to get me into bed.

Archie: I fell in love with you.

Wanda: How come you dumped me then.

Archie: I wasn't rich enough, remember.

Wanda: Say something in Russian.

Archie: No.

Wendy: Your father has finally gone completely mental!

Otto: What is this? "Hump a Limey" week?

Wendy: You can stick this marriage right in your bottom.

Otto: I love robbing the English, they're so polite.

Otto: You really like animals don't you, Ken? What's the attraction.

Ken: Well, you can t-t-trust them and they don't sh-sh-sh-sh

Otto: Shit on you?

Ken: Show off all the t-time.

Archie: You're going to shoot me?

Otto: [in a pompous, English accent] Yep, 'fraid so, ol' chap! Sorry!

Otto: When you say "friendly", what are we talking about here? Cordial? Courteous? Supportive? What?

Wanda: I don't know. Let's just see what happens.

Otto: So, "friendly" might include actual... what, penetration?

Wanda: Archie? Do you speak Italian?

Archie: I am Italian! Sono italiano in spirito. Ma ho sposato una donna che preferisce lavorare in giardino a fare l'amore appassionato. Uno sbaglio grande! But it's such an ugly language. How about... Russian?

Otto: [to Ken about Mrs Coady] What does he want you to do? Send her flowers? Do her shopping? Show her a good time? Rub her out? Rub her out?

Otto: [gleefully] HE'S GOING TO KILL HER! HA HA HA!

Ken: Shut up!

Otto: [shows his gun to a group of onlookers] Fuck off or I'll kill you. LIMEY FRUITS! So the old lady's gonna m-m- meet with an accident, eh K-K-Ken?

Ken: Shh!

[Otto laughs]

Ken: What's - what's so funny?

Otto: Nothing, it's just that wasting old ladies isn't NICE!

Ken: [angrily] Well it's better than b-b-buggering people!

Otto: I'll bet you a pound you don't kill her.

Ken: Alright.

Otto: Alright. I love watching your ass when you walk! Is that beautiful or what? Don't go near him! He's mine! A pound says you won't kill her! Ha ha!

[Ken drives at Otto with a steamroller. Otto laughs, until he realizes his feet are trapped in cement, and his gun is empty]

Otto: Ken! Ken! Wait, wait, Ken! Kenny! I... may I call you Kenny?

Ken: Remember Wanda!

Otto: I got the deal of a lifetime! Fifty-fifty, you and me, what do you say! Okay, okay, okay, sixty-forty! That's my final offer!


Otto: Wait, I got an idea! You take it all! Yeah, here's my boarding pass, Ken!

Ken: I'm gonna, I'm gonna k-ka, kill you!

Otto: Okay, fine, Ken! Come at me, give me your best shot! Go on, Ken! You don't have the guts, admit it!

[the steamroller bears down on him]

Otto: Okay, you have the guts, good... wait!

Ken: Death!

Otto: Okay, I'm-sorry-I-ate-your-fish, okay? I'm-sorry!

Ken: Revenge!

Otto: Jesus, I said I'm sorry! What the fu-?

[He goes under the steamroller]


Ken: Got him!

Otto: I'm here because I'm bored. Bored hanging around this God-awful city. Shoving George's ugly pic... Talking to a lot of snotty, stuck up, intellectual British faggots. Jesus they're uptight they get rigor mortis in the prime of life in this country, standing there with their hair clenched.

Otto: [finds a letter from Archie to Wanda] Just, counting the seconds to the weekends so they can all dress up like ballerinas and whip themselves into a frenzy at the flat at 4. 2B St.

Otto: [recovering] To be honest I hate them. I mean pretending they're so fucking lawyer.

Otto: [recovering again] superior, so fucking superior with those phony accents.

Otto: [Ken peeks in the room] Not you Ken, you have a beautiful speaking voice... when it works.

Otto: [about Wanda] Son of a bitch!

Otto: [to Wanda, loudly] So, wanna have some lunch?

Otto: [quietly] Have you heard from him?

Wanda: Who?

Otto: Archie.

Wanda: [loudly] No I have to finish my hair!

Wanda: [quietly] No.

Otto: Nothing?

Otto: [loudly] Ok well I'm outta here!

Otto: [quietly] No plans to see him?

Wanda: No.

Wanda: [loudly] Ok. Bye Bro.

Otto: Bye Wanda!

[Punches Wanda's picture, hands it to Ken]

Otto: Oh Sorry.

Wanda: What have you found out?

Otto: Not a lot.

Wanda: You realise he's in court tomorrow?

Otto: I know. I know that!

Wanda: So nothing, huh?

Otto: Nix! Zip! Diddly! Bupkis!


Otto: Niente!

Ken: Otto t-t-tried to k-k-kiss me.

Wanda: I thought he might.

Wanda: Get the fuck out of here, Otto.

Otto: Relax. I heard moaning; I was worried.

Archie: I Wendy- I Wanda- I wonder...

Wanda: What are you thinking, Archie?

Archie: I'm just trying to think of one good reason why I should take you to South America with me.

Wanda: How about... because I have the key to the safety deposit box?


Archie: That's a...

WandaArchie: ...good reason.

[Archie has put his gun down to fist fight with Otto]

Archie: I used to box for Oxford.

Otto: Oh, yeah? Well...

[Otto quickly picks up Archie's gun, and points it at him]

Otto: ...I used to kill for the CIA.

Archie: [to Wanda] How could a bright and smart girl like you have a brother who is so...

Otto: [coming between them] Don't call me stupid!

Archie: Be a good girl, now, or I'll break your neck, okay?

Otto: Oh look, the Queen!

Wanda: The central message of Buddhism is not "every man for himself".

Otto: So the old lady's gonna m-m-m-meet with an accident eh K-K-K-K-Ken?

Otto: Hello, K-K-K-Ken's p-p-pets!

[taps on fish tank]

Otto: Wake up!

[beats the water with a scrub brush]

Otto: Wake up Limey fish!

[to Wanda]

Otto: So... how are you going to get friendly with this lawyer?

Wanda: I don't know - I'll improvise.

[Otto gets fed up with the fish and tosses the scrub brush into the tank]

Otto: Fucking insects!

Otto: Shit! Fucking Limey cement.

Otto: [to Archie] You spineless bimbo.

Otto: Touch his dick, and he's dead!

Title Card: [Epilogue: Archie and Wanda move to Rio, have 17 kids, and fund a leper colony. Ken becomes Master of Ceremonies at London Sea World. Otto emigrates to South Africa and becomes Minister of Justice]

Wanda: I want you to know something Otto.

Otto: What?

Wanda: Even if you were my brother I'd still want to fuck you.

Otto: Pork away pal. Fuck her blue.

Wanda: I'll be right back, take your clothes off.

Archie: You are the sexiest, most beautiful girl I have ever seen... in my entire life.

Wanda: Get me my drink.

Otto: You really like animals, don't you, Ken? What's the attraction?

Ken: Because you can t-t-trust them, and they don't sh-sh-sh...

Otto: Shit on you?

Ken: Show off all the time.

Otto: Know what Nietzsche said about them? He said they were God's second blunder.

Wanda: What about my tits?

Otto: Does he get to handle them?

Wanda: Yes. That's my forecast. I'll stand by that.

Ken: Otto! You owe me a pou-p-pou...

Locksmith: No... there are no numbers, no identifying marks of any kind.

Wanda: But it is a safe deposit box key?

Locksmith: Oh, yes. But it could be any one in England, there are millions of them. Hotels, banks, offices... I'm sorry.

Wanda: [politely] Thank you.

[She gets up and heads for the door]

Wanda: [under her breath] *Fuck*!

Otto: Let's get the diamonds!

Otto: The English contribution to world cuisine - the chip.

[Otto has just tried to woo Wanda by speaking mock Italian, she tells him to make the call to get rid of George, he does, but he continues speaking with an Italian accent]

Otto: [Italian accent] Ah, yes, I wonder if you could put me through to the police, per favor.

Wanda: [slaps him] Otto!

Otto: Ah!

[pauses, then realizes he needs to put his serious face on]

[Archie is caught naked by a family. He stands there, mouth agape. Then he catches the gaze of the little girl, who sees his privates. He quickly covers them with a portrait of Mrs. Johnson, which offends the family even more]

Mr. Johnson: What the hell are you doing?

Archie Leach: I might ask you the same question!

Mr. Johnson: Who are you?

Archie Leach: What?

Mr. Johnson: Get your clothes on!

Archie Leach: Will you leave immediately, please?

Mr. Johnson: What?

Archie Leach: You're in the wrong flat. This flat belongs to Patrick Balfour, he's in Hong Kong and he lent me the key, now get out!

Mr. Johnson: We leased it from the agents last weekend.

[Embarrassed silence from Archie]

Archie Leach: Yes, well, obviously that, uh, changes things a bit. Um...

Wanda: Let's make love!

Archie: Why not? Why not, indeed?

Wanda: Like nobody lies in England. Like Margaret Thatcher never lies.

Otto: Well, Ken, I'm going to ask you some questions, while I eat my chips. First: Who was the philosopher who developed the concept of the superman in Also sprach Zarathustra?


Otto: No? That's a chip up the nose, I'm afraid. Friedrich Nietzsche. Next: In which book did Nietzsche claim that almost all higher culture is based on cruelty?


Otto: Are you thinking or in mid-stutter?

Ken: You're m-m-mad.

Otto: Beyond Good and Evil. Guess I'll have to ask you an easy one, huh, Ken? Okay. Um... Let me think, let me think. Um... Where are the diamonds?