Maximilian Glick: [narrating] You may be surprised to find Jews in my home town of Beausejour, but like Rabbi Kaminsky said, Where there's oxygen, there's Jews.

Maximilian Glick: [narrating] Listen, a Jewish boy's life starts with them cutting off his tip. Then, they spend the rest of his life trying to cut off the rest.

Maximilian Glick: [at a party] I once went into a doctor's office. I said, 'Doctor, what should I do, I've lost my memory.' Doctor says, 'Pay in advance.'

Rabbi Teitelman: [speaking at a Brotherhood Day gathering] Now, Cohen got a telegram from his son. 'Papa, I'm going to Jerusalem. I'm going to become a Christian.' Oy, vey, he didn't know what to do. He ran to Greenberg, he told him the whole story. Greenberg said, 'It's funny you should mention. I got a telephone call from my son, he said he's going to Jerusalem, he's gonna become a Christian'. What to do? They went to run to the rabbi, they told him the whole sad story. The rabbi said, 'Funny you should mention. My son's going to Jerusalem, he's going to become a Christian, and I'm a rabbi. You can imagine how ashamed I am. What should we do? We have to pray to the Creator, we have to rend our clothes, we have to put ashes on our head, fast for two days.' Two days later, the gates of Heaven opened. The voice of the Creator came down and said, 'My children, what can I do for you?' And each man told him that his son was going to Jerusalem to become a Christian. And then, the voice of the Creator boomed out, 'Funny you should mention... '

Celia Brzjinski: [On being asked to join Max to play a piano duet] But I don't know anything Jewish.

Reuben Dalish: Just play anything in a minor key. It sounds Jewish.