Johnny Five: Los locos kick your ass. Los locos kick your face. Los locos kick your balls INTO OUTER SPACE!

Ben Jarhvi: [angrily] Number Johnny Five!

Johnny Five: Uh-oh!

Ben Jarhvi: Come on! I will clean you up. If you had a mouth, I would wash it out with soap!

Reporter: Mr. Five, Mr. Five, how do you feel?

Johnny Five: How do I feel? I feel... ALIVE!

Ben Jarhvi: Oh, my, how time is fun when you're having flies, huh?

Oscar: What are you, punishment from God?

Fred: Are you ok.

Johnny Five: Functioning 100%. Perfectly ko Derf.

Fred: It's Fred.

Johnny Five: That's what I said, Derf.

Ben Jahrvi: My name is B.E.N; I spell it Ben!

Fred: Benny? You're leaving me with my back to the wall here. I mean, we gotta come up with something!

Ben Jarhvi: It is not possible. We are the type of people who have everything in our favor going against us.

Johnny Five: Am not human, but am a life-form, have soul. But him me killed to try.

Fred: Hey wait a minute J5, what do you think you're gonna do?

Johnny Five: Pursue! Capture! Incarcerate!

Fred: Come on now man, these are serious guys! You're not in top form, and your backup battery is all used up!

Johnny Five: I'm okay-kay, just a few biddly-biddly Bugs Bunny to work out in out in! Perfectly functionality, functionality!

Fred: Oh yeah sure, listen to yourself, you can't even talk straight!

Johnny Five: Derf, a life-form's gotta do what a life-form's gotta do. Stand aside.

Johnny Five: [to book store clerk] Two excellent books. May I have these craphead?

Ben Jahrvi: Are you troubled by irregularity?

Ben Jarhvi: Oh, now, now we are un-employers.

Fred: Oh, look, we still got all of the robot parts in the van; I can get a new staff together...

Ben Jarhvi: But we are having no more money and now we are having no equipment. To assemble the robots with our naked hands, it would be slower than - than moles' asses in January.

Fred: I thought you said this thing mis-functioned on you.

Ben Jarhvi: Oh, that is a falsity. What actually happened was we were working on him one day and suddenly he is struck by lightning. And, from this moment on, he's having a mind of his own. So, the government tried to destroy him so he ran away. So, now he's living with my friend in Montana, in a cabin, in the woods, in... cognito.

Fred: You just fall off the banana boat, or what?

Ben Jarhvi: I do not travel with bananas, sir!

Fred: You like McNuggets?

Ben Jarhvi: Who is he?

Fred: Trust me.

Johnny Five: Frederick, I have an important question. Why do humans not like me, call me "craphead"?

Fred: They like you. They like you. Craphead is a compliment.

Johnny Five: Oh...

Sandy Banatoni: Now listen, Ben. What's going on with those robots? I mean, we're getting really close to the deadline.

Ben Jarhvi: Well, we are manufacturing them like gang-bangers.

Sandy Banatoni: Busters. Gang-busters.

[Johnny Five is chained up in police station]

Ben Jarhvi: What is this? He is delicate equipment! A completely unique, self-mobile, micro-computer robotics system!

Officer O'Malley: Yeah, we, uh... thought it was that.

Ben Jarhvi: O.K., Johnny Five, you are free to go.

Johnny Five: O.K.

[Johnny Five rips the heavy chains like paper]

Ben Jarhvi: [to Sandy] If it is O.K. with your Mom and Pop, would you like to go to a malt shop for a cheeseburger?

[Johnny Five is prompting Ben on his date with Sandy]

Ben Jarhvi: [reading sign] "Tu mama hace el amor con mi perro."

Sandy Banatoni: Wait. I know a little Spanish.

Johnny Five: [waving his arms] Oh, no no no. No no!

Sandy Banatoni: My mother... sleeps... with your dog?

Johnny Five: [covering his eyes] Oh, no!

Ben Jarhvi: Uh, well, that's an expression in-in my country, where, uh, sometimes we are speaking... Spanish. It does not mean that your mother is sleeping with my dog. Oh, no no. It means that, uh, the people that she is sleeping with, they are, they are like dogs!

Fred: I'm SORRY I tried to sell your god damned robot. Okay? It was a dirty trick. I'm a jerk. I'm a sleaze-ball.

Ben Jarhvi: You are getting warmer.

Fred: It's just that when you OWE as much money as I do, it kind of puts you under pressure. You know?

Ben Jarhvi: And who would be foolish enough to loan money to you?

Fred: [groans] Don't rub it in. I had to go to a shark.

Ben Jarhvi: Oh, dearie! Now you're expecting me to believe that you borrowed money from a fish!

Fred: No, no. A Loan Shark. It's somebody, if you don't pay them back right away, they start removing popular parts of your anatomy.

Ben Jarhvi: [is locked in a freezer with Fred and reading fortune cookies] "The warmth in your heart makes others ha-ha-happy".

Fred: I still like this one

[reads the one in his hand]

Fred: "Opportunity is waiting, you need but to open the door".

Fred: We gotta go! You see those two guys over there?

[points towards two advancing policemen]

Fred: They want to take your books away!

Johnny Five: [horrified gasp]

Chief: [after the cops have captured Johnny Five] Take him down to stolen goods.

Johnny Five: [furiously] I am NOT stolen goods!

Chief: [angrily] OUT!'!

Johnny Five: [while the cops take him away] But hath not a robot eyes? Hath not a robot hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions? If you prick us, do we not bleed?'!

Chief: Yeah. Battery fluid, maybe.

Johnny Five: [to Jones, who is trying to confuse him with pig Latin] Ew-scray ou-yay, ozo-bay!

Johnny Five: Don't worry. My cousin was a Harley Davidson.

Zorro: [after seeing Johnny Five] I know what it is... it's a... it's a Mitsubishi

Johnny Five: Ooo... Input. "Hounds of the Baskervilles".

[Starts speed-reading through the book and pauses halfway]

Johnny Five: I think the chauffer did it.

[Finishes speed-reading through the book]

Johnny Five: He did!

Johnny Five: Just a few ibdy... ibdy... bugs bunnies.

Johnny Five: [assembling Mini-#5] It's me! Isn't that SPECIAL?

Fred: [burning himself with a soldering iron] Jesus!

Johnny Five: Christ, lived from 1 to 33 AD.

Johnny Five: Hey you, here's Johnny!

Johnny Five: Doctor Ruth says, "Violence is an expression of sexual frustration".

Johnny Five: Oscar, you will not get away! I am really PISSED OFF!

Ben Jarhvi: Well, the real Number 5, he malfunctioned and, well, let us just say that... we were separated from our jobs.

Ben Jarhvi: [mumbling in his sleep, with the DAR Manual for Citizenship open on his chest] The government is divided into three trees... branches.

Ben Jarhvi: You have made many modifications upon your person, huh? You have come a long way from the Defense Department prototype.

Johnny Five: You betcha!

[parodying an electronics store's late-night TV ad]

Johnny Five: It's the all-new Johnny Five! Just look at these items! Increased memory: five hundred megabytes on-line! I come with a utility pack and dozens of gadgets for outdoor living, lots of Greenpeace stickers, and even my own Nike swoosh! And, if you act now, I'll throw in, absolutely free, my all-new, multi-frequency remote control!

[his antenna extends and a radio in the room activates]

Johnny Five: Fred wants to sell ME?'!

Fred: [laughs] Oh, J-5, c'mon, it's just a figure of speech.

Johnny Five: Am not property, Frederick! One whose person is under control of another as master, is a SLAVE!

Woman at building: That's all we need: A robot who's into equal rights.

Jones: Okay, Jerk-off. You're gonna get recycled.

Johnny Five: [imitating a Jewish man] Oh, yeah? Well, recycle this, you meshuggana schmuck!

[Brooklyn accent]

Johnny Five: Get outta my face, you ugly motha!

[Spanish accent]

Johnny Five: Tu mama hace el amor con mi perro!

[imitating Sylvester Stallone]

Johnny Five: Yo, come on, you bug-eyed geek.

[imitating Clint Eastwood]

Johnny Five: Do you feel lucky, punk?

Johnny Five: [Hang-gliding over the city] It's great up here... no problems... I wish I were a bird. Me, Chrome-Breasted Input Eater. Dream on, Johnny.

Manic Mike: [Seeing a battle-clad Johnny charging out of his locked store] Hey! How did you get in there?

Fred: [Running after Johnny] Hey, life form! Cool it!

Manic Mike: What is that? How much you want for it?

Johnny Five: [to police officers] I was just on my way to pick up the kids and my wife. My wife, Morgan Fairchild.

Johnny Five: [Being handcuffed] You will book me, Danno? I will make your day? Do not pass go? I'm underage, you know!

Ben Jarhvi: Johnny, are you operational? Please say something?

Johnny Five: Hubcaps, corn dogs, soul.

Johnny Five: [Peering into the bank vault] Hello, Lucy, I'm home!

Johnny Five: [Instructing Fred, who is trying to repair him] First, get the soldering iron... iron... iron...

[Fred nudges him]

Johnny Five: Thank you.

Fred: [Trying to repair Johnny before his battery fails] I'm no good at this!

Johnny Five: Fifteen minutes, you have, to get good.

Fred: Fifteen minutes?

Johnny Five: Plenty of time... time... in a sort of runic rhyme...

Fred: [Waving his hand in front of Johnny's face] All right! Don't lose it!

Johnny Five: Oscar! You will not get away. I am really pissed off!

Johnny Five: Ok Oscar, I'll pass you off at the head.