Capt. Braddock: Okay, no more bullshit...

Capt. Braddock: [to Dave, talking fast] Was there or wasn't there a woman?

Dave: Are you serious?

Capt. Braddock: Yes, I'm goddamn serious.

Dave: Fuzzy Wuzzy was a woman?

Capt. Braddock: What the hell is he taking about?

Wally: He reads lips. You're talking too fast.

Capt. Braddock: [to Dave, talking slowly] Was there... a wom-an... pres-ent?

Dave: [to Capt. Braddock, talking slowly] Yes. There was... a wom-an... pres-ent.

Capt. Braddock: Why is he talking like that?

Wally: [to Capt. Braddock, talking slowly] Because he's deaf... not stu-pid.

Dave: Don't we get a last request?

Eve: What would you like?

Dave: Would you scratch my nose for me?

[Eve scratches his nose with a coin and then kisses him]

Dave: You're a very sick woman.

Eve: Thank you. Mr Karew, what would you you like?

Wally: I suppose a fuck is out of the question.

Eve: I'm afraid so.

Dave: Today I threatened to shoot a naked woman with my erection.

[Dave doesn't hold up any fingers]

Dave: How many fingers am I holding up in front of your eyes right now?

Wally: Three!

Dave: That's good. That's pretty good, considering that he's blind.

Dave: Did she say ship, or shit?

Wally: Where are we?

Dave: Probably on our way to New Jersey by now.

Wally: No kidding! I got family in there! Do you wanna come with me?

Dave: Of course. You've earned my trust, Wally. You've been a very good friend to me these past couple days. You're always there for me. You never get me into trouble. Sometimes it seems a bit boring but that's a small price to pay for such a wonderful friendship.

Wally: That's beautiful, Dave. Do you mean everything you just said?

Dave: I'll tell you how I really feel in about a minute or two. Right now I'm a little overwhelmed by the STINK of the seven tons of garbage that you drove us into!

Wally: Is THAT what it is? I thought you let one go! That's why I didn't say anything!

Dave: That's very kind of you! Thank you!

Dave: [impersonating a European doctor] Tell me the first thing that pops into your brain.

Wally: Pussy!

Dave: It's amazing! This man is cured!

Wally: I hear prison isn't so bad if you like it up the butt.

Wally: So, you're the fat fuck that runs this show!

Sutherland: Beautifully put, Mr. Karew. You're obviously a poet, a man after my own heart.

Dave: And then one day, my wife turned into this remarkable creature that could sit on the end of a broomstick and take off. She could actually achieve flight.

Wally: I think I was married to that woman once.

Dave: Small world.

Dave: You swear an awful lot.

Wally: You're fucking-A right!

Wally: These streets are bumpy.

Dave: You're driving on the sidewalk!

Dave: Wally! He could put a hole through your *head*, Wally!

Wally: *Fuck* him and his holes!

Wally: [yelling in Dave's ear] Shazaam! Can you hear me?

Dave: Wally! I heard you! I heard your voice!

Wally: Hooray! You can hear me!

Dave: What?

Wally: You can hear me!

Dave: [shouts] No, schmuck, I'm deaf! I'm deaf! Now do you get it?

Capt. Braddock: 32 years on the force, a wife and three kids, and a blind guy and a deaf guy are making me look like a real asshole.

Gatlin: You got that right.

Capt. Braddock: What?

Gatlin: [talking into radio] Charlie over.

Adele: Why do you feel you have to pass for someone with 20/20 vision when you're blind as a bat?

Wally: I don't feel. I have to pass.

Adele: Yes, you do. It's a sickness in your brain, just like if you were trying to pass for white.

Wally: You mean I'm not white?

Mitzie: [Dave and Wally are booking in at a hotel under false identities] Dr. Kesselring, we thought you might not make it. It says you had some trouble with your visa?

Dave: [faking a German accent] Yes, and zen suddenly dey accepted American Express. Go figure.

Wally: We don't go home without it.

Dave: We're in a warehouse, and you just hit a cow. I think we better back up.

Dave: [Wally is driving a stolen police car because Dave's hands are cuffed behind him] Don't look at me, look at the road!

Wally: [Shrugs and turns his head back toward the road] All right, if it'll make you feel better.

Dave: Who are you talking to?

Wally: I'm talking to you, you prick.

Dave: Why don't you look me in the eye and say that?

Wally: I would if I could but I can't, I'm blind.

Dave: You're blind?

Wally: Yes I'm blind, what are you, fucking deaf?

Dave: Yes, I'm fucking deaf!

Wally: You're really deaf?

Dave: I'm really deaf.

Wally: Then how do you know what I'm saying?

Dave: Because I'm reading your lips, now you want the job or not?

Dave: Well excusez-moi, monsieur hot shit!

Reporter: Do you really think you can stop Khomeini?

Dave: Not if it's funny.

Medical Conference Attendee: [Addressing Wally, who is impersonating a Swedish gynecologist] Which exercise would you find most beneficial to geriatric sexuality?

Wally: [faking a Swedish accent] Oh, boy. Well, some of my patients prefer walking, some prefer bicycling. But for best results, to guarantee satisfaction, most of them like fucking. You know, poonta-poonta-poonta. I like it myself, you know. One in the morning, and late at night.

Dave: I'm not handicapped, I have you.

Adele: I think David got a little messed up.

Dave: What did she say?

Wally: She said she thinks you're an asshole!

Dave: Fucking-A. Something bothers you, fuck it. Your wife leaves you, fuck her. Your boss fires you, fuck him. Fucking-A. Fuckin'em. Right?

Wally: You're fucking right!

Dave: It's a gift to be able to do that.

Cabbie: Let me see a badge!

Kirgo: [holds up gun] This is my badge!

Dave: [to Raoul] Stop right there or I'll throw this knife through your head! I mean it! I'll throw your brains out!

Cop with Bullhorn: [to Raoul] Freeze!

Dave: [to Raoul] That's more like it! Now put your hand up!

Cop with Bullhorn: [to Raoul] Put your hands in the air!

Dave: [to Raoul] Oh, so you do speak English!

Eve: But you see, you're the ones they're looking for. Not me. If I get on that helicopter with the coin, I get out of here squeaky clean.

Dave: You're too tall for me anyway.

Capt. Braddock: What's the story here, Gatlin? I got the commissioner crawling up my ass!

Dr. Cornfeld: WHO are you, sir?

Dave: [misreading Cornfeld's lips] Fine, thank you!

Wally: You look fine to me!