Ouiser Boudreaux: I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood 40 years!
Clairee Belcher: Well, you know what they say: if you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me!
Clairee: Ouiser, you sound almost chipper. What happened today - you run over a small child or something?
Clairee Belcher: Ouiser, I'd recognize this penmanship anywhere. You have the handwritin' of a serial killer.
M'Lynn: [crying] I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
M'Lynn: I'm fine! I can jog all the way to Texas and back, but my daughter can't! She never could! Oh God! I am so mad I don't know what to do! I wanna know why! I wanna know *why* Shelby's life is over! I wanna know how that baby will *ever* know how wonderful his mother was! Will he *ever* know what she went through for him! Oh *God* I wanna know *why*? *Why*? Lord, I wish I could understand!
[in a firm tone]
M'Lynn: No! No! No! It's not supposed to happen this way! I'm supposed to go first. I've always been ready to go first! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I just wanna *hit* somebody 'til they feel as bad as I do! I just wanna hit something! I wanna hit it hard!
[grabs Ouiser by the shoulder and positions her in front of M'Lynn]
Clairee: Hit this! Go ahead M'Lynn, slap her!
Ouiser Boudreaux: [taken aback and confused] Are you crazy?
Clairee: Hit her!
Ouiser Boudreaux: Are you *high*, Clairee?
Truvy: [in a frightened tone] Clairee, have you lost your mind?
Clairee: We'll sell t-shirts sayin' "I SLAPPED OUISER BOUDREAUX!" Hit her!
Annelle: [in a scared tone] Ms. Clairee, enough!
Clairee: Ouiser, this is your chance to do something for your fellow man! Knock her lights out, M'Lynn!
Ouiser Boudreaux: [snatches away] Let go o' me!
Clairee: M'Lynn, you just missed the chance of a lifetime! Half o' Chiquapin Parish'd give their eye teeth to take a whack at Ouiser!
Truvy: Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.
Ouiser Boudreaux: A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Clairee Belcher: I love ya more than my luggage.
Shelby: Pink is my signature color.
Clairee Belcher: The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.
Ouiser Boudreaux: Yes, Annelle, I pray! Well, I do! There, I said it, I hope you're satisfied.
Annelle: I suspected this all along!
Ouiser Boudreaux: Oh! Well don't you expect me to come to one of your churches or one of those tent-revivals with all those Bible-beaters doin' God-only-knows-what! They'd probably make me eat a live chicken!
Annelle: Not on your first visit!
Clairee Belcher: Very good, Annelle! Spoken like a true smart-ass!
Truvy: Honey, time marches on and eventually you realize it is marchin' across your face.
Clairee Belcher: Ouiser could never stay mad at me; she worships the quicksand I walk on.
Truvy: There's so much static electricity in this room, I pick up everything but boys and money.
Truvy: Smile! It increases your face value.
Shelby: I am going to be very, very careful, nobody is going to be hurt or disappointed or even inconvenienced.
M'Lynn: Least of all Jackson, I'm sure.
Shelby: You're jealous, because you no longer have a say so in what I do and that drives you up the wall. You're ready to spit nails because you can't call the shots.
M'Lynn: I did not raise my daughter to talk to me like this.
Shelby: Yes, you did.
M'Lynn: Oh no, I didn't.
Shelby: Whenever any of us asked you what you wanted for us when we grew up what did you say?
M'Lynn: Shelby, I'm not in the mood to play games.
Shelby: Just tell me what you said, Mama, what did you say?
M'Lynn: The only thing I have ever said to you, ever, is that I want you to be happy.
Shelby: Okay, the one thing that would make me happy is to have a baby. If I could adopt one I would, but I can't. I'm going to have a baby, and I wish you'd be happy too.
M'Lynn: I'll tell you what I wish. Well, I don't know what I wish.
Shelby: Mama, I don't know why you have to make everything so difficult. I look at having a baby as the opportunity of a lifetime. Sure there may be risk involved, but that's true for anybody. But you get through it and life goes on. And when it's all said and done there will be a little piece of immortality with Jackson's good looks and my sense of style, I hope. Please, please I need your support. I would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.
[Referring to her daughter's many pink wedding decorations]
M'Lynn: That sanctuary looks like it's been hosed down with Pepto-Bismol.
M'Lynn: I find it amusing. Men are supposed to be made out of steel or something. I just sat there. I just held Shelby's hand. There was no noise, no tremble, just peace. Oh god. I realize as a woman how lucky I am. I was there when that wonderful creature drifted into my life and I was there when she drifted out. It was the most precious moment of my life.
Ouiser Boudreaux: This is it, I've found it, I'm in hell.
Clairee Belcher: [trying to do "color commentary" by discussing the color of the football uniforms] ... But I love the top - such a vibrant purple. Bob, would you call this color "grape" or "aubergine'?
Ouiser Boudreaux: SHUT UP!
Clairee Belcher: What?
Ouiser Boudreaux: You're makin' a fool outta yourself, Clairee.
Clairee Belcher: I am not.
Ouiser Boudreaux: This is football. All the people wanna hear about are touchdowns and injuries. They don't give a damn 'bout that grape shit.
Clairee Belcher: [quoting her gay nephew] All gay men have track lightin'. And all gay men are named Mark, Rick, or Steve.
Ouiser Boudreaux: You are a pig from hell.
Ouiser Boudreaux: Don't try to get on my good side, Truvy. I no longer have one!
Annelle: Sammy Wayne Desoto, what is this in my Frigidaire?
Annelle: I don't care what you do with your refrigerator, but you will not keep liquor in mine.
[dumps the beer out in the yard]
Sammy: Oh, Annelle, for Christ's sake!
Annelle: Who? Who did you say?
Sammy: Christ, Christ, Christ!
Annelle: Are you speaking of our Lord? Is that whose name you're taking in vain?
Sammy: That's the one.
Annelle: Well, I'm sorry, Sammy. But I am not about to spend the next fifty years of my life with someone I'm not gonna run into in the hereafter.
Sammy: Oh, Annelle, goddammit!
Annelle: I think we should pray.
Sammy: Oh, I'd rather eat dirt!
Ouiser Boudreaux: Drum, eat shit and die.
Ouiser Boudreaux: What's the matter with you these days, M'Lynn? You got a reindeer up your butt?
Truvy: Oh, Sammy's so confused he don't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt.
Ouiser Boudreaux: I do not see plays, because I can nap at home for free. And I don't see movies 'cause they're trash, and they got nothin' but naked people in 'em! And I don't read books, 'cause if they're any good, they're gonna make 'em into a miniseries.
[about the new mayor's wife dancing]
Clairee Belcher: Looks like two pigs fightin' under a blanket.
Truvy: In a good shoe, I wear a size six, but a seven feels so good, I buy a size eight.
M'Lynn: We have this new psychiatrist that comes in two days a week and of course I pick her name out of the grab bag, I have to pick something up for her tomorrow. Would you put that on the list, I have no idea what to get your father. What's Jackson giving you, do you know?
M'Lynn: Furniture, well, my. Must be nice to be married to a rich lawyer. What's it for, the living room?
Shelby: No, for the nursery.
[seeing M'Lynn's stricken look]
Shelby: We wanted to tell you when you and daddy were together, but you're never together so it's every man for himself. I'm pregnant.
M'Lynn: I realize that.
Shelby: Well is that it? Is that all you're gonna say?
M'Lynn: What do you want me to say?
Shelby: Well, something along the lines of congratulations.
Shelby: Would it be too much to ask for a little excitement, not too much I wouldn't want you to break a sweat or anything. It's in July. Oh Mama, you have to help me plan. We're gonna get a new house. Jackson and I are going house hunting next week. Jackson loves to hunt for anything.
M'Lynn: What does Jackson say about all of this?
Shelby: He's so excited. He says he doesn't care whether it's a boy or a girl, but I know he really wants a son so bad he can taste it. He's really cute about the whole thing. It's all he can talk about: Jackson Latree, Jr.
M'Lynn: Does he ever? Listen, I mean when doctors and specialists give you advice. Does he listen? I know you never do, does he? Huh? What? Well, I guess since he doesn't have to carry the baby it really isn't any of his concern.
Shelby: Mama, I want a child.
M'Lynn: What about adoption? You've filled out all the applications.
Shelby: Mama, no judge is gonna give a baby to someone with my medical records. Jackson even put out feelers about buying one.
M'Lynn: People do it all the time.
Shelby: Listen to me. I want a child of my own. I think it would help things a lot.
M'Lynn: I see.
Shelby: Mama, you worry too much. In fact I never worry 'cause I always know you're worried enough for the both of us. Jackson and I have given this a lot of thought.
M'Lynn: Has he really? Well, there's a first time for everything.
Shelby: Don't start on Jackson.
M'Lynn: Your poor body has been through so much. Why would you deliberately do this to yourself?
Shelby: Diabetics have healthy babies all the time.
M'Lynn: You are special Shelby. There are limits to what you can do.
Ouiser Boudreaux: The only reason people are nice to me is because I have more money than God.
Truvy: Oh, honey, God don't care which church you go, long as you show up!
Truvy: There is no such thing as natural beauty.
Truvy: Louie brought his new girlfriend over, and the nicest thing I can say about her is all her tattoos are spelled correctly.
Ouiser Boudreaux: He is a boil on the butt of humanity!
Annelle: Miss Truvy, I promise that my personal tragedy will not interfere with my ability to do good hair.
Truvy: I'm just screamin' at my husband; I can do that any time!
Clairee Belcher: They were both high. They'd been smokin' everything but their shoes.
Ouiser Boudreaux: I'm not as sweet as I used to be.
Truvy: Oh sweetheart don't. Please don't cry or I will too. I have a strict policy that nobody cries alone in my presence.
Clairee Belcher: That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.
Truvy: I don't like her. I don't trust anyone who does their own hair. I don't think it's natural.
Clairee: [after Shelby said she almost called off the wedding] Shelby, you scared us. That wasn't a nice thing to do to your mama. Never say that to a woman who's marinating 50 pounds of crab claws.
Drum: [to Ouiser] I heard you got so screwed up you cut your dog out of your will and had an ungrateful nephew to sleep!
[Sammy is wearing an Easter bunny contume]
Annelle: We'll talk about uncomfortable when you're nine months pregnant!
Shelby: Remember what Daddy always says - an ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure!
Ouiser Boudreaux: [after knocking Clairee off the bench and pulling some of her hair] Get your roots done!
Shelby: Well, we went skinny dipping and we did things that frightened the fish.
Shelby: Truvy, you know what you need in here? You need a radio, takes the pressure off of everyone feeling they have to talk so much.
Truvy: I had one once, but I threw it up against the wall when I couldn't figure out where the batteries went. I know now I was suffering from pre-menstrual syndrome.
Ouiser Boudreaux: My God, you look different. Have you shrunk?
Annelle: [stands up after praying] Amen.
M'Lynn: [looking confused at Truvy] Was she just praying?
Truvy: [rolling eyes, frustrated] Yes.
Truvy: Maybe she's praying for Marshall and Drew and Belle. Maybe she's praying for us because we're gossiping. Maybe she's praying because the elastic is shot in her pantyhose! Who knows! She prays a the drop of a hat these days.
Shelby: [to Annelle] Relax! You can't screw up her hair. Just tease it and make it look like a brown football helmet.
M'Lynn: [looking at herself in Truvy's compact mirror] Oh my God Shelby was right, my hair *does* look like a brown football helmet!
Drum: Oh, Ouiser... I don't wanna have to kill you!
Clairee: Anne Boleyn had six fingers.
Ouiser Boudreaux: Who's Anne Berlin?
Clairee: Anne Boleyn. She was one of the six wives of Henry VIII.
Ouiser Boudreaux: I never watch public television.
Clairee: She had six fingers.
Ouiser Boudreaux: What happened to the other four?
Clairee: She had 11 total.
Ouiser Boudreaux: Are you trying to confuse me, Clairee?
Clairee: No. I just want to expose us to a little more culture. And that's not easy to come by in this neck of the woods.
Truvy: When it comes to pain and suffering, she's right up there with Elizabeth Taylor.
M'Lynn: Shelby, as you know, wouldn't want us to get mired down and wallow in this. We should handle it the best way we know how and get on with it. That's what my mind says, I just wish somebody would explain it to my heart.
M'Lynn: [after Ouiser drinks a soda and belches] Oh, now, that's attractive, Ouiser.
Shelby: You know what you need in here, Truvy. You need a radio. Music is a wonderful thing to have in the background and it takes the pressure off of people who feel they
[looks at M'lynn]
Shelby: *have to talk so much.*
Truvy: I used to have one, but I slammed it against the wall when I couldn't figure where the batteries went. I know know I was suffering from pre menstruatal syndrome.
M'Lynn: I can't even begin to think how you make gray icing!
Nurse Pam: [holding Jack Jr's costume] Shelby this is too cute! Where did you find this?
Shelby: Aunt Fern made it! I can't wait to get home and try it on Jack. I think I taught him how to say trick or treat or something
[she begins to feel funny which is the sign that her body is rejecting the new kidney]
Shelby: Could you hand me that bag Pam?
[Pam hands her the bag]
Nurse Pam: Good night!
Shelby: Good night!