Have I Got News for You (1990– )

Martin Clunes: Self - Guest Presenter, Self

Photos 

Quotes 

• Martin Clunes : The Sun referred to the Cornish Liberation Army as the Oohh-Arrr A!

  [pun on IRA] 

• Martin Clunes : What Literary Award have you just won?

  Kirsty Wark : The Bad Sex Award!

  Ian Hislop : The Bad Sex Award?

  Kirsty Wark : Sorry, the Bad Sex in Literature Award!

  Reginald D. Hunter : I was going to say, you took winning that quite well!

  Paul Merton : You won that first award, too, though, didn't you?

• Martin Clunes : And now it's time for

  [Jedi hand wave] 

  Martin Clunes : the pic-ture spin quiz.

• Martin Clunes : And now it's time for

  [Jedi hand wave] 

  Martin Clunes : the odd one out round.

• Martin Clunes : And now it's time for

  [Jedi hand wave] 

  Martin Clunes : the missing words round.

• Martin Clunes : Samuel Pepys buried his cheese, and that's not a euphemism.

• Martin Clunes : And what did the Think Tank Civitas Think in its Think Tank?

  Paul Merton : We're going to need a bigger tank?

• Martin Clunes : And now it's time for

  [Jedi hand wave] 

  Martin Clunes : the Picture Shuffle of News!

• Angus Deayton : [about the Chinese President's visit to the UK]  How did the Queen prepare for the arrival of the President?

  Martin Clunes : She sellotaped the old man's mouth shut.

• Martin Clunes : According to respectable scientists the 2 billion Large Hadron Collider might be sabotaging itself from the future.

  Paul Merton : Sabotaging itself from the future?

  Martin Clunes : Do you know any of the science of how it works?

• Martin Clunes : The tiny particle, Higgs Boson, a theorised building block of all life is so abhorrent to nature it would create waves back in time and disrupt its own discovery.

  Ian Hislop : But then Arnie would arrive!

  Martin Clunes : The Telegraph simplified it saying it was like Marty endangering his own existence in Back to the Future.

• Guest : Wait a minute, if it's sabotaging itself from the future it must work. But it doesn't work. So it's making itself not work in the present because it works in the future?

  Martin Clunes : It doesn't have to sabotage itself in order to work, it's not made for sabotaging itself, it's made for... making thingies.

• Martin Clunes : Farting Clams What? Sounds like an Anagram of my name...

• Martin Clunes : The incidence of someone's name affecting their fate is called "Nominative Determinism".

• Grayson Perry : I don't like to be Pigeonholed as an Artist!

  Martin Clunes : I never touched you!

• Ian Hislop : Surely it's Dominus Regit Me?

  Martin Clunes : Whatever.

• Self - Guest Presenter : Will you stop talking when I'm trying to do my thing?

  Paul Merton : We'll have them separated!

  Guest : Sorry, Sir!

  Ian Hislop : Not clever or funny.

• Guest : What's special about it?

  Martin Clunes : It was made for him! "Here's how you make Cheese on Toast: NANNY?"

  [Gang Sign/Finger Snap]