Jerry Seinfeld credited as playing...
Jerry Seinfeld
- Telemarketer: Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service?
- Jerry: Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later?
- Telemarketer: Uh, well I'm sorry, we're not allowed to do that.
- Jerry: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.
- Telemarketer: No.
- Jerry: Well, now you know how I feel.
- [Jerry hangs up phone]
- Cosmo Kramer: Well, after he heckled Toby, she got so upset, she ran out of the building and a street sweeper ran over her foot and severed her pinky toe.
- George Costanza: That's unbelievable!
- Cosmo Kramer: Yeah! Then after the ambulance left, I found the toe! So I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice, and took off for the hospital.
- George Costanza: You ran?
- Cosmo Kramer: No, I jumped on the bus. I told the driver, "I got a toe here, buddy - step on it!"
- George Costanza: Holy cow!
- Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, yeah, then all of a sudden, this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay is gonna cost her her pinky toe, so I got out of the seat and I started walking towards him. He says, "Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?" I said, "Well, I got a little prize for ya, buddy."
- Cosmo Kramer: [Kramer throws two punches and an uppercut] Knocked him out cold!
- George Costanza: How could you do that?
- Cosmo Kramer: Then everybody is screamin,' because the driver, he's passed out from all the commotion. The bus is outta control! So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus.
- Jerry: Wow.
- George Costanza: You're Batman.
- Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop.
- Jerry: You kept making all the stops?
- Cosmo Kramer: Well, people kept ringing the bell!
- Jerry: According to most studies, people's number-one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two! Now, this means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
- George Costanza: What gives you pleasure?
- Jerry: Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure.
- George Costanza: Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?
- Jerry: Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.
- [Kramer gave blood to Jerry]
- Jerry: I can feel his blood inside of me, borrowing things from my blood.
- George Costanza: The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
- Jerry: Mammal.
- George Costanza: Whatever.
- Cosmo Kramer: Well, what did you do next?
- George Costanza: Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.
- [George reveals the obstruction to be a golf ball]
- Cosmo Kramer: What is that, a Titleist?
- [George nods]
- Cosmo Kramer: Hole in one, huh?
- Jerry: Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.
- Cosmo Kramer: [phone rings, Kramer picks up the phone] Hello... What Delay Industries?
- George Costanza: [yelling from the bathroom] Vandelay! Say Vandelay!
- Cosmo Kramer: No, you're way, way, way off. Well yeah, that's the right number, but this is an apartment.
- George Costanza: [rushes out of the toilet with his pants on his knees] Vandelay! Say Vandelay Industries!
- [falls down]
- Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, no problem.
- [hangs up phone]
- Cosmo Kramer: How did you know who that was?
- Jerry: [enters apartment, sees George lying on the floor with his pants on his ankles] And you wanna be my latex salesman?
- Jerry: So we're gonna make the Post Office pay for my new stereo now?
- Cosmo Kramer: It's a write-off for them.
- Jerry: How is it a write-off?
- Cosmo Kramer: They just write it off.
- Jerry: Write it off what?
- Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything.
- Jerry: You don't even know what a write-off is.
- Cosmo Kramer: Do you?
- Jerry: No, I don't.
- Cosmo Kramer: But they do, and they're the ones writing it off.
- George Costanza: Well, I heard a noise.
- Jerry: What noise?
- George Costanza: You know, blah...
- Jerry: What blah?
- George Costanza: From the bathroom.
- Jerry: Oh, you think she was refunding?
- George Costanza: Every time we go out to eat the minute we we're done eating she's running to the bathroom.
- Elaine: So you're concerned?
- George Costanza: Elaine, of course I'm concerned... I'm payin' for those meals! It's like throwing money down the toilet!
- George Costanza: And as punishment, I should get to sleep with Elaine.
- Jerry: That's not punishing me, that's punishing Elaine. And cruelly, I might add...
- Jerry: To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit there... you're the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that there is a party. You don't know what's goin' on. Both birthday parties, people have to kinda help you blow out the candles, you can't do it... you don't even know why you're doing it. What is this ritual? What is going on? It's also the only two birthday parties where other people have to gather your friends together for you. Sometimes they're not even your friends. They make the judgement. They bring 'em in, they sit 'em down, and they tell you - 'these are your friends! Tell them thank you for coming to my birthday party.
- George Costanza: So, did you get your new plates?
- Cosmo Kramer: Oh... yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their vanity plates.
- George Costanza: What do they say?
- Cosmo Kramer: Assman.
- Jerry: Assman?
- Cosmo Kramer: Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!
- Jerry: Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"?
- George Costanza: Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's.
- Jerry: It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be just some guy with a big ass.
- Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, or it could be a proctologist.
- Jerry: Yeah. Proctologist.
- George Costanza: Come on! No doctor would put that on his car.
- Cosmo Kramer: Have you ever met a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one."
- George Costanza: [George rushes into Jerry's apartment] Did anybody call here asking for Vandelay Industries?
- Jerry: No, what happened to you?
- George Costanza: All right, listen closely, I was at the unemployment office and I told them I was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries, and I gave them your phone number. So now, when the phone rings, you have to answer "Vandelay Industries".
- Jerry: I'm Vandelay Industries?
- George Costanza: Right.
- Jerry: What is that?
- George Costanza: You're in latex.
- Jerry: What do I do with latex?
- George Costanza: I don't know, you manufacture it.
- Elaine: Right here in this little apartment?
- Jerry: And what do I say about you?
- George Costanza: You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman.
- Jerry: I'm gonna hire you as my latex salesman? I don't think so. Why would I do that?
- George Costanza: Because I asked you to.
- Jerry: If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk, pushing papers around, you can forget it. I get enough headaches just trying to manufacture the stuff.
- Cosmo Kramer: Well, more bad news Jerry. You know the police they found another victim of the Loper in Riverside Park. I saw the photo and it looked a lot like you.
- Jerry: Oh, come on, there's a lot of people walking around the city that look like me.
- Cosmo Kramer: Not as many as there used to be.