Andrew Dice Clay: Ford Fairlane
Photos
Quotes
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Ford Fairlane : So many assholes... So few bullets...
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Colleen Sutton : Nothing disgusts me. At the age of eleven I walked in on my father and the Shetland pony. Does that excite you?
Ford Fairlane : I don't know, I never met your father.
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Ford Fairlane : Conversation with Zuzu Petals was like masturbating with a cheese grater: slightly amusing, but mostly painful.
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Ford Fairlane : Hey, great pipes, huh? I've heard cats fuck with more harmony.
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Ford Fairlane : What are your names, Neil and Bob, or is that like what you do?
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Lt. Amos : You think you are so hot 'cos you get in all the clubs, heh? Just because you have sex with great looking women...
Ford Fairlane : You got to admit those are pretty good reasons...
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Ford Fairlane : How much?
Ticket Guy : 300.
Ford Fairlane : 300? You charged the chicks one.
Ticket Guy : Hey, they blew me.
Ford Fairlane : Heh. 300 coming up.
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Jazz : Well, that weekend was a mistake.
Ford Fairlane : Hey, look. I'm sorry I made you clean the toilets and the bathtubs, I mean, who did all the work in bed?
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Lt. Amos : Are you calling me an asshole, asshole?
Ford Fairlane : No, I'm calling you an anus, anus.
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Ford Fairlane : Hey, look. Write down my number: 555-6321 Got it?
Twin Club Girl : Yeah. Wait a minute. 555 is not a real number. They only use that in the movies.
Ford Fairlane : No shit, honey. What do you think this is? Real life?
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Ford Fairlane : Have a twinkie, snapperhead.
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Ford Fairlane : Un-fucking-believable.
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Ford Fairlane : What's the definition of a vagina? The box a penis comes in.
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Ford Fairlane : What... you didn't really think we'd kill the fuckin' koala bear, now did ya?
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Ford Fairlane : 1969 Fender Stratocaster, original pick-ups, maple neck, strung upside down for a left-handed motherfucking genius, Jimi Hendrix.
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[to his erection]
Ford Fairlane : Come on, down boy. Down Stanley. Roseanne Barr naked. Gone.
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Ford Fairlane : [to women running from his bed] Do my dishes.
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Ford Fairlane : You're 10 seconds away from the most embarrassing moment in your life.
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Ford Fairlane : Clint Eastwood... I fucked 'im.
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Amiable Tourist : Excuse me! Could you tell us how to get to Mann's Chinese Theatre?
Ford Fairlane : Go back to Michigan, asswipe.
Amiable Tourist : Oh, we're from Wisconsin.
Ford Fairlane : Yeah, and I'm from my dad's penis. Get out of here.
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Ford Fairlane : Here's to you, Johnny. Sucking my dick. (toasting with Johnny Crunch at the radio station)
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Ford Fairelaine : [Ford is looking at a Colleen Sutton and Johnny Crunch pornographic video] I'm very rich. Nothing offends me. I mean, no shit, honey. You got a whip sticking out of your ass and a guy that's fucking barking.
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[Zuzu is hanging from a building]
Ford Fairlane : It's alright. If you fall, I'll make it.
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Ford Fairlane : I could've been a rock singer, if only I hadn't been banned from MTV. Long story. But anyway, I only know that one song. Well, I do a mean "Puff the Magic Dragon," but only in the nude. Longer story.
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Ford Fairlane : Excuse me, did I hear the f-word out of you? You say "fuck" again and I'll bang you right to fuck. Now get the fuck out of here.
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Lt. Amos : Two words. "Disco Express."
Ford Fairlane : Disco Express? They blew dog. And that lead singer, he kinda looked like...
Lt. Amos : Like ME, right?
Ford Fairlane : Yeah. I was gonna say he looked like shit, but... he looked like you.
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[Looking at a corpse's breasts]
Ford Fairlane : Damn, baby, I hope you signed some organ donor cards.
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Ford Fairlane : I could crack my knuckles with more rhythm.
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Lt. Amos : See, that's the difference between a great investigator like me, and a piece of spam like you.
Ford Fairlane : Spam? You're a piece of spam. That's what I think of you.
Lt. Amos : No, I call you a piece of spam, 'cos that's what you are.
Ford Fairlane : Spam.
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Ford Fairlane : I almost shit a Miata.
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[after knocking a villain off a building onto a piano]
Ford Fairlane : Say hello to Liberace, asshole!
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Ford Fairlane : I coulda been a fisherman. Fishermen, they get up, they fish, they sell fish, they smelt fish. Reminds me of this girl I used to go with, Yvonne, she smelled like fish.
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Ford Fairlane : I'll be at Julie Grendel's. I want to see if he knows what a hoo-er thief his ex piece-of-shit wife is.
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[being frisked by security guard]
Ford Fairlane : Oh, Arnie. Sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too MUCH.
[kicks him in the face]
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Ford Fairlane : Some people play hard to get. I play hard to want.
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Ford Fairlane : Johnny was the only guy who could out-disgust me. When we were kids we had gross-out contests. I coughed a pile of phlegm on a table, he said "Nice try." and pulled out a straw...
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Ford Fairlane : Yo. Snapperhead.
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[At the "sisters'" house, surrounded by all the semi-nude women]
Ford Fairlane : hibb... hibbdy... Maybe I did die in the explosion, you know.
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Ford Fairelaine : What the fuck is mano e mano? use your head. Snappa Head.
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Ford Fairlane : I'm so terrific I have my own toll-free number: 1-800-UNBELIEVABLE.
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Ford Fairlane : You guys a band?
Punk Gunslinger : Yeah, sure.
Ford Fairlane : You got a name?
Punk Gunslinger : Yeah... pain.
Ford Fairlane : Pain, huh?
Ford Fairlane : [sarcastically] Kooky.
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Ford Fairlane : [to Smiley] 'ello, 'ello... fuckface!
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Ford Fairlane : And NOW I'm on top of the Capital Records building? So much for using the fucking fire escape stairs!
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Ford Fairlane : [Said to ZuZu Petals, as she blocks his way down the Capitol Records building] "Move, stupid!"
