Mikey: Got you a gift for coming into the world, here it is,

[offers her a stuffed cow]

Mikey: Have a cow, honey.

[Julie begins to bawl]

Mikey: Alright don't have a cow.

Mikey: Poor Daddy, hanging out with buttholes all day long.

Mollie Ubriacco: Mommy is a girl, so I don't have a penis.

James Ubriacco: But she's got some set of balls.

Mollie Ubriacco: But Daddy is a big...

Mikey: Penis!

James Ubriacco: Let's see, we've got Schwarzenegger and Betty Boop. Hmm, tough call, they're both really built and they both talk funny.

James Ubriacco: Mike, this is a potty okay? Now when you wanna take a piss ...

Mollie Ubriacco: Don't say piss.

James Ubriacco: Okay, when you wanna take a whiz ...

Mollie Ubriacco: Ugh!

James Ubriacco: What? "See a man about a horse"? "Drain the snake"? What do you want me to say?

Mollie Ubriacco: Pee-pee.

James Ubriacco: Pee-pee is such a wimp word.

Julie: As God is my witness, I'm going to learn to walk, and get the hell out of here.

Julie: Well here I am, all conceived and nowhere to go.

Mollie Ubriacco: See, Mikey, Mommy is a girl so she doesn't have a penis.

James Ubriacco: But she's got some set of balls!

Mikey: [Mollie's boss is yelling at her, Mikey under the desk pours white-out on his shoes] Here shoes, have a drink. You mess with my mother, you mess with me.

Mollie Ubriacco: [Mikey and Julie come down on the elevator] How did you get down here?

Mikey: We just walked.

Julie: Technically, I was pushed.

James Ubriacco: Why is it that every time drink out of the milk carton, I get a lecture, but Travis Bickle moves in with a semi-automatic weapon, and it's okay?

Mollie Ubriacco: A little unloaded gun makes him feel better.

James Ubriacco: Makes him feel better? Why doesn't he go to the top of the Empire State Building and shoot student nurses? Maybe that'll make him feel better.

Mollie Ubriacco: This is New York. Women carry unloaded guns in their purses.

Stuart: You guys make me laugh. You're really funny. You stock up your cabinets with bottled water and flashlights, well what do you think is going to happen when the shit really hits the fan? You know like earthquakes and flash floods just a lot of chaos and horror, people dying in the streets and you're sitting here nice and pretty with your bottled water. Now the guy next store has got one of these

[9mm pistol]

Stuart: Who's gonna go thirsty? Him or you?

[Mikey is learning the difference between men and women]

Mikey: [Is shown a picture of a man] Penis.

[Is shown a picture of a woman]

Mikey: No penis.

[Is shown a picture of George Bush]

Mikey: [Thinking] Hmm, that's a tough one.

Mollie Ubriacco: Isn't that great, honey! Your brother went pee-pee

Julie: Big deal. I made a doody!

Mikey: I don't care what you say, I'm not pooping in that thing. I've got my standards.

Mikey: Eddie what ya say we go and get an apple juice?

Eddie: Nah Mike I'm into my little training thing

Mikey: What kinda training thing?

Eddie: You know I'm wearing the trainin pants man

Mikey: Oh man, don't tell me you're goin along with this potty business too?

Eddie: We have to Mike cos the Toilet man says so

Mikey: Who?

Eddie: Mr Toilet man, he likes to eat your doody an your pee-pee. So I say give it to him

Mikey: Eat your doody and your pee-pee who told you that?

Eddie: My mother, why? You callin her a liar?

Mikey: No

Eddie: She told me diapers are for babies

Mikey: But eat your doody and your pee-pee? Eddie the thought is too hideous to comprehend

James Ubriacco: When you wanna take a pee-pee okay you do it in here and you just do this, you take it out

[Pretends to unzip his fly]

Mollie Ubriacco: Oh come on

James Ubriacco: What?

Mikey: Dad, who's kidding who huh?

James Ubriacco: And the same token, when you wanna take a dump

Mollie Ubriacco: Poo-poo

Mikey: This is a joke right?

James Ubriacco: I know it sounds disgusting Mike but you know you gotta trust me on this okay

Mikey: Let me get this straight you want me to take a dump outside my diaper?

Mikey: [thinking] Hmm, Eddie gets all the girls, he's not wearing a diaper maybe I oughta give this potty thing a try.

[Jumping and singing]

Mikey: When you have to pee you jump up and down but sometimes nothing comes out. So you jump up and down a little more. I don't have to pee... I don't have to pee... I do have to pee and I better go somewhere, here I go...

[Realises he's wet himself]

Mikey: That stuff really sneaks up on you!

Mikey: [Pouring white-out on his mother's supervisor's shoes] La la la la la. Here, shoes, have a drink.

Julie: [when Julie is getting an injection, looking at the needle] What's that?

Mikey: Oh, God, I can't watch this part.

Julie: Oh my God!

[cries hysterically]

Julie: .

Mikey: Smarts, does it? Hm? Hurts just a little?

Julie: Will this pain *ever* go away?

Mikey: Maybe it will... or maybe it won't


Mikey: .

James Ubriacco: [to Mikey and Julie] I miss you guys so much.

[James hugs Mikey]

Julie: Ieuw... male bonding makes me sick.

Julie: [falls down trying to walk] Oh my tush hurts.

Mollie Ubriacco: He has to go to bed early tonight because I'm taking him to baby gym tomorrow.

James Ubriacco: Oh not baby gym!

Mollie Ubriacco: He needs to socialize with other kids.

James Ubriacco: Well take him to the park.

Mollie Ubriacco: I'm not taking him to the park anymore! Do you know what he did today? He picked up a crack pipe!

James Ubriacco: Well throw it out.

Mollie Ubriacco: Do you have any idea how many disease he could get from that?

Joey: Jump up and down. And don't forget to breathe! That's what they say when they have a heart attack, 'Oh! I forgot to breathe!'

Julie: Don't you just hate it when you get your head stuck in your placenta?