Michaelangelo: [watching Aesop and Son - "Tortoise and the Hare" on TV] Go! Move it, will ya? Aw, you're letting him blow right by ya! Can you believe this guy? Come on! Don't just...! Ninja-kick the damn rabbit! Do something!
Splinter: I too once had a family, Danny. Many years ago I lived in Japan: a pet of my master Yoshi, mimicking his movements from my cage and learning the mysterious art of Ninjitsu, for Yoshi was one of Japan's finest shadow warriors. His only rival was a man named Oroko Saki, and they competed in all things, but in nothing more fiercely than for the love of a woman, Tang Shen. Shen's love was only for my master and rather than see him fight Saki for her hand, she persuaded Yoshi to flee with me to America. But Saki vowed vengeance. I remember it well, as my master returned home to find his beloved Shen lying on the floor, and then he saw her killer. Saki wasted no words, and during the struggle, my cage was broken. I leapt to Saki's face, biting and clawing, but he threw me to the floor and took one swipe with his Katana, slicing my ear. Then he was gone, and I was alone.
Danny: What became of this Oroku Saki?
Splinter: Nobody really knows... But you wear his symbol.
Leonardo: We were awesome!
Raphael: Totally tubular, dude!
Donatello: Uh, mega...
[Splinter clears his throat, the Turtles clam up]
Splinter: I have always liked... Cowabunga.
Splinter: [laughs] I made a funny!
Delivery Man: [searching for Michaelangelo's address] OK, 122... 122 1/8? 122 1/8. Terrific. Where the heck is 122 1/8?
Michaelangelo: [through the sewer grate] You're standing on it, Dude! Just pass it down here!
[the Delivery Man passes pizza through the grate, and $10 is passed up]
Delivery Man: Gimme that!... Hey, this is a $10! The tab's $13!
Michaelangelo: You're two minutes late, dude!
Delivery Man: Oh, come on, I couldn't find the place!
Michaelangelo: Wise man say: "Forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza."
Delivery Man: [walks away] I gotta get a new route. And I thought I delivered everywhere...
Splinter: I am proud of you, my sons. Tonight you have learned the final and greatest truth of the Ninja: that ultimate mastering comes not from the body, but from the mind. Together, there is nothing your four minds cannot accomplish. Help each other, draw upon one another, and always remember the power that binds you. The same is what brought me here tonight, that which I gladly return with my final words: I love you all, my sons.
Thug: [of Raph] What the hell was that?
Thug: I - I don't know.
Casey Jones: [jumps down next to them] Now *that*, was a crime, you purse-grabbing pukes. And *this* is the penalty.
[knocks them over with his hockey stick]
Casey Jones: Two minutes for slashing...
[does it again]
Casey Jones: Two minutes for hooking...
Casey Jones: And let's not forget my personal favorite: two minutes for high sticking.
Raphael: [jumps in and knocks him down] How about a five-minute game misconduct for roughing, pal?
Casey Jones: Hey, Bogey... who died and made you referee? You did your job, now get out of here and let me do mine, all right? These JV low lifes need to be taught a lesson.
Raphael: Not like that they don't. Not from you.
Casey Jones: [turns to see the thugs running away, turns back] Well, it looks like you're the one who needs to be taught a lesson, pal.
[pulls out two ball bats]
Casey Jones: The class is Pain 101. Your instructor is Casey Jones.
Raphael: Look, I don't wanna fight you.
Casey Jones: Yeah, well, tough rocks, pal.
Michaelangelo: God, I LOVE *BEING A TURTLE*!
Splinter: For 15 years now, we have lived here. Before that time, I was a pet of my master Yoshi. When we were forced to come to New York, I found myself for the first time without a home, wandering thew sewers, scavaging for whatever I could find. And then, one day, I came upon a shattered glass jar and four baby turtles.
Michaelangelo: [interrupts] That was us! Hee hee.
Donatello: Shut up! Oh, no...
Splinter: The little ones were crawling into a strange glowing ooze from a broken canister nearby. I gathered them up in an old coffee can and when I awoke the next morning, I received a shock. For they had doubled in size. I, too, was growing. Particularly in intellect. I was amazed by how intelligent they seemed, but nothing could have prepared me for what happened next: one of them spoke.
Young Michaelangelo: [in flashback] Pizza. Pizza.
Splinter: More words followed, and I began their training. Teaching them all that I had learned from my master. And soon, I gave them all names: Leonardo, Michaelangelo
Michaelangelo: That's me.
[he makes a heroic-sounding hum]
Splinter: and Raphael.
April: I'm not dreaming, am I?
Splinter: No. I'm afraid not.
Splinter: All fathers care for their sons.
Raphael: [chasing Casey Jones] Come back here! I'm not finished with you! DAMN!
Michaelangelo: Oh man, I could go for a little deep dish action right about now.
Danny: I had some pizza here the other day. There might be some left over.
[Donatello takes a look]
Michaelangelo: Grrr, yeah?
Donatello: Do you like penicillin on your pizza?
[Donatello and Michelangelo start humming "Taps" and set the pizza aside]
Splinter: Raphael, come sit by me.
Raphael: Couldn't this wait 'til morning?
Splinter: You will listen *now*. My Master Yoshi's first rule was "Possess the right thinking. Only then can one receive the gifts of strength, knowledge, and peace." I have tried to channel your anger, Raphael, but more remains. Anger clouds the mind. Turned inward, it is an unconquerable enemy. You are unique among your brothers, for you choose to face this enemy alone. But as you face it, do not forget them, and do not forget me. I am here, my son.
Raphael: A Jose Canseco bat? Tell me... you didn't pay money for this.
Splinter: Death comes for us all, Oroku Saki, but something much worse comes for you. For when you die, it will be...
[Shredder throws a hidden knife; Splinter catches it, releasing the spear and letting Shredder fall from the building and land in the back of a garbage truck]
Splinter: ...Without honor.
Casey Jones: Oops!
[Casey Jones pulls the lever of the garbage truck and activates its compactor]
Michaelangelo: [imitating Rocky Balboa] Uh, yo well, uh, maybe I'll fight Apollo, uh, maybe I won't, you know. What do you think? Adrian.
Michaelangelo: Okay, I got another one. Oh, this is totally cool.
Raphael: Oh no, not Cagney.
Michaelangelo: [imitating James Cagney] You dirty rat. You killed my brudda. You dirty rat. Oooh. Woo-hoo.
April O'Neil: That must be Splinter's favorite.
[the turtles glare at her]
April O'Neil: It was a joke.
[they pause, then burst out laughing]
April O'Neil: Oh, Casey, hi.
Casey Jones: Hi? I look like I just called Mike Tyson a sissy and all you can say is "Hi"?
April O'Neil: You don't need an ambulance, do you?
Casey Jones: No, but...
April O'Neil: Just shut up and kiss me, OK? I got a report to do.
Casey Jones: I love it when you're pushy.
April O'Neil: Yeah?
[hurling insults in alphabetical order]
Casey Jones: Not even close, Zip Neck. Professor and Mary Anne. Happily ever after.
Donatello: No way, Atomic Mouth, Gilligan was her main man. They'd be married and have six kids by now.
Casey Jones: Gilligan was a geek, Barfaroni!
Donatello: You're the geek, Camel Breath!
Casey Jones: Dome head.
Donatello: Elf lips!
[Casey finishes fixing the engine]
Casey Jones: Okay, let's see if this transplant worked, fungoid!
Donatello: Here it goes... What are we on?
Casey Jones: Uh, G.
Donatello: Here it goes, gack face!
Casey Jones: I'm ready, hose brain!
April O'Neil: Okay, those guys in the black pajamas, they jumped me, and, and that rat... I saw *you* in the parking lot. That explains you. And you guys...
April O'Neil: Um... I have no idea where you came from.
Splinter: If you will please just sit down and calm yourself, I will tell you where we came from.
April O'Neil: It talks!
Splinter: It is really quite simple, Miss O'Neil.
April O'Neil: And he knows my name... perfect.
Splinter: Fifteen years ago...
April O'Neil: Why don't I ever dream of Harrison Ford?
Donatello: Bossa Nova!
[Leonardo and Michaelangelo look at Donatello]
Michaelangelo: Dude, "Bossa Nova"?
Donatello: Chevy Nova?
[Leonardo and Michaelangelo groan]
[Leonardo and Michaelangelo cheer in approval; Raphael walks sullenly behind them]
Michaelangelo: [sees that Raph has brought home an unconscious April] Can we keep her?
Leonardo: [sees that Raphael is awake and rushes to him] Raph! You're awake! How do you feel?
Raphael: What's a guy gotta do... to get some food around here?
Leonardo: [stands up, ecstatic, and runs to bathroom door] Hey! Hey, he's awake! He wants some food! Bring some food!
[runs back to Raphael]
Leonardo: You're gonna be ok Raph... you're gonna be ok!
Raphael: Yeah, yeah, alright Leo! Get a grip, will ya?
Leonardo: Listen, Raph...
[helps Raphael to his feet]
Leonardo: -about what I said before... y'know... about not needing you and all?
Raphael: Leo... don't.
Leonardo: Boy, we missed you.
Donatello: [he and April watch from the doorway] It's a Kodak moment.
Leonardo: We have had our first battle, Master Splinter! They were many, but we kicked... but we fought well.
Splinter: Were you seen?
Splinter: In this, you must never lapse. Even those who would be our allies, would not understand. Our domain is the shadow; stray from it reluctantly, for when you do, you must strike hard and fade away, without a trace.
Raphael: I lost a sai!
Splinter: Then, it is gone.
Raphael: But I can get it back! I can get it back...
Splinter: Raphael!... Let it go.
Casey Jones: Lead the way, Toots.
April O'Neil: "Toots"?
Casey Jones: Babe? Sweetcakes? Ah - Princess! You wanna throw me a clue here? I'm drowning.
April O'Neil: Hey, you know what, that's okay. I'll do it myself.
Casey Jones: Fine, it's up to you. Just don't come around here asking for my help anymore.
April O'Neil: Casey, I wouldn't ask for your help if you were the last THING on the face of this planet.
Casey Jones: At least I know she thinks of me...
[Casey sprawls out on the porch swing; it breaks and he falls on it to the ground]
Splinter: [Leonardo meditates heavily] ... Leonardo.
Leonardo: Huh? Splinter!
Raphael: [inside playing a board game] "What Russian novel, embraces more than 500 characters, is set in the Napoleotic wars?"
Donatello: 'War and Peace'.
Leonardo: [bursting in] He's alive.
Raphael: [Leo walks right on the board game] Hey!
Donatello: Game smash.
Leonardo: Splinter's alive.
Donatello: We know, Leo, of course he is. We all think he's alive.
Leonardo: I don't *think*. I *know*.
Casey Jones: [Raph's hat has come off, revealing his face] Hey, what are you, some sort of punker?
Casey Jones: [baiting] God, I hate punkers... Especially bald ones with green make-up who wear... masks over ugly faces.
Raphael: That's it.
Casey Jones: [as Raph lunges] Ooh.
Raphael: New batter!
[Raph swings at Casey with the bat & missed]
Casey Jones: Strike one!
[Raph swings again and misses]
Casey Jones: What a wiffer!
[Raph jumps over Casey & hits him with the bat]
Raphael: Home run! Raphael wins 1-nothing!
Casey Jones: New game, round head.
[reaches behind and grabs a Cricket bat]
Casey Jones: Cricket!
Raphael: Cricket? Nobody understands cricket! You gotta know what a crumpet is to understand cricket!
Casey Jones: I'll show ya!
[hits Raphael with the bat]
[Tatsu does his grunt as Casey immediately notices Tatsu, he tries to mimic his grunt in a playful way]
Casey Jones: Uh, you know... A little um...
[acting like he is spraying something in his mouth]
Casey Jones: Primatene might just help to clear that up there.
[Tatsu gave Casey a striaght punch towards his face, knocking him to the floor. As Casey gets up]
Casey Jones: That's going to cost you, Tinkerbell.
[Tatsu gave Casey a left hook to Casey's face, knocking to the floor again. As Casey gets up]
Casey Jones: You know, I don't think that you're listening.
[Tatsu kicks Casey, launching him to the air and crashing into the crates. Casey tries to get up after the injuries he sustained from Tatsu]
Casey Jones: You know, I'm starting to pick up... on a little language barrier thing going here.
[Tatsu kicks Casey in the crotch, then a left roundhouse kick to his face, and then a left hook to his face, knocking him to floor with the injuries he sustained from Tatsu's attack. Casey, who is injured manages to reach for a golf club and as Tatsu approaches him, Casy struck Tatsu in the stomach with his golf club. As Tatsu aches in extreme pain]
Casey Jones: Fore!
[Casey strikes Tatsu like a golf ball, sending him flying towards the wall with crates, knocking him out]
Casey Jones: [kisses the golf club] I'll never call golf a dull game again.
April O'Neil: My nearest neighbors are about four miles away. I need to get to a phone and call my boss.
Casey Jones: You mean Charles?
April O'Neil: Yes; how did you know that?
Casey Jones: He left a message on your machine, uh, just before we got out...
April O'Neil: And?
Casey Jones: Well, hey, you just saved yourself an eight-mile round-tripper. Um... You were fired.
April O'Neil: I just saved myself?
Casey Jones: [oblivious to the dark tone] Mm-hm.
April O'Neil: What did you do? Did you take classes in insensitivity?
Casey Jones: I was just trying to break it to you easy.
April O'Neil: Oh, well you FAILED miserably...
Casey Jones: Hey, broadzilla, you wouldn't even be standin' here if it weren't for me, okay?
April O'Neil: Oh, well what do you want? You want a thank you?
Casey Jones: ...No. It's me who should thank you for that privilege, right?
April O'Neil: Fine!
Casey Jones: Yeah.
April O'Neil: Thank you.
Casey Jones: No, thank YOU!
April O'Neil: You're welcome!
Casey Jones: YOU'RE welcome!
[they go into two separate rooms and slam the doors]
Donatello: Gosh, it's kinda like Moonlighting, isn't it?
April O'Neil: Much more than just a series of small, isolated incidents, it's now apparent that an organized criminal element is at work and at the moment, business is good. So good in fact that there appear to be no eyewitnesses to any of these crimes. With complaints ranging from purse snatching to breaking and entering, police switchboards have been swamped with the angry voices of more and more citizens who have fallen prey to the recent surge of crime that continues to plague the city. Instead of getting better, things are actually getting worse. Even more alarming is the baffling and often bizarre nature of these crimes. Merchandise of every size and description from skateboards to stereo systems has been disappearing from store shelves and storage areas at an alarming rate. Even the victims themselves rarely catch a glimpse of the thieves. Many don't even know they've been victimized until it's too late. In fact, police have yet to come up a single eyewitness. Only a few vague reports of young boys or teenagers at the scenes have been filed. But whoever is behind these crimes, one thing is certain, these are much than just a series of random isolated incidents. Crimes without criminals? An invisible gang at work? Who are we gonna call? Unfortunately the police are the only ones to combat what some are already dubbing the silent crime wave. But perhaps the most disturbing silence is that coming from city hall. April O'Neill, Channel 3 Eyewitness News.
[April discovers a sai]
Raphael: [watching] Aw, man... damn!
April O'Neil: I'd like to invite you all in but I really don't have anything to offer you guys except for some... frozen pizza.
Michaelangelo: [springs up from the manhole like a jack-in-the-box] Let's go for it!
Donatello: You said the magic word.
April O'Neil: You guys eat pizza?
April O'Neil: Um, yeah... alright.
Leonardo: [from below] Hey, did she say pizza?
Tatsu: Ninja... vanish!
[more Foot enter April's home]
Donatello: Hey, guys, I'm not so sure this is, uh, structurally speaking, such a good time for your, uh, buddies to drop in...
[the floor gives away]
The Shredder: You are here because the outside world rejects you. THIS is your family. I am your father. I want you all to become full members of the Foot. There is a new enemy: freaks of nature who interfere with our business. You are my eyes and ears. Find them! Together we will punish these creatures, these... turtles.
Tatsu: Your empire flourishes, Master Shredder.
The Shredder: What more from the rat?
Tatsu: Nothing. He will not speak.
The Shredder: And the boy who led us to the turtles?
Tatsu: He is still missing. I do not understand. Why do the turtles trouble you, Master? They have not been seen for many days.
The Shredder: Something about the way you describe their fighting. Something familiar. Something... from the past.
Casey Jones: This is great. First it was The Farm That Time Forgot and now this. Why don't I ever fall in with people who own condos? Probably hard to get good maid service in a sewer. Maybe you guys should try Roto Rooter, huh?
Tatsu: Never lower your eyes to an enemy.
Raphael: So what do we do now?
Leonardo: What do you mean, what do we do now?
Raphael: Splinter's out there somewhere.
Leonardo: I know Splinter's out there.
Michaelangelo: [guessing what's about to happen] Fight?
[both Michaelangelo and Donatello leave]
Raphael: So what are we gonna do about it?
Leonardo: What CAN we do about it? April's our only link to these guys. We have to wait until she comes up with something.
Raphael: Oh, so that's the plan from the "great leader", huh? Just sit here on our butts!
Leonardo: I never said I was a great leader.
Raphael: Well you sure act like it sometimes.
Leonardo: Yeah? Well, you act like a JERK sometimes, you know that? And this attitude of yours isn't helping anything.
Raphael: Yeah? Well, maybe I'll just take my attitude and LEAVE!
Leonardo: Why don't you?
Raphael: I will.
Leonardo: Go ahead! We don't need ya!
Michaelangelo: [listening from the kitchen] Pork rind?
Donatello: Pork rind.
[Raphael has just seen the movie Critters]
Raphael: Ugh. Where do they come up with this stuff?
Charles: [on the answering machine dangling from its wire] April, it's Charles... I'm sorry. I don't know how else to say this: You're fired, April. I'm sorry... I know this comes as a blow.
[the wire burns off and the machine falls, hitting a Foot Soldier over the head]
Casey Jones: You can say that again, Chuck.
Gang Leader: We have a loyalty to the Shredder.
Splinter: The Shredder uses you. He poisons your minds to obtains for that which he desires. He cares nothing for you or the people you hurt.
Gang Leader: We're family.
Casey Jones: Family? Did you say family? You call this here and that...
[points to Tatsu, who he just knocked out]
Casey Jones: ...down there, family?
Tatsu: Go... play.
Chief Sterns: O'Neil... get in here!
April O'Neil: [to the technician on her way in] Time me.
Chief Sterns: Just what is it you hope to accomplish out there, besides BUSTING MY CHOPS?
April O'Neil: I think you know just as much as I do about this Foot Clan and I don't think you're doing anything about it.
Chief Sterns: You expect me to waste precious manpower because some immigrants are reminded of something that supposedly happened, years ago in Japan!
April O'Neil: Have you got anything else?
Chief Sterns: Are you tryin' to tell me HOW TO DO MY JOB?
Technician: [cut to April running out of the office, he checks his watch] 1:07. A new record.
April O'Neil: And then there's Casey Jones, a nine-year-old trapped in a man's body. He might be cute except for that pigheadedness...
Leonardo: It's time for us to go back!
Raphael: Where's Splinter?
The Shredder: Ah, the rat. So it has a name...
[remembering his order to kill Splinter]
The Shredder: It HAD a name.
Leonardo: [furiously pushes past the other turtles] You LIE!
The Shredder: Do I?
The Shredder: [Leo lunges at Shredder, who trips him up with his spear and pins him to the ground] He dies! Weapons!
[the turtles grasp their weapons]
The Shredder: NOW!
[Mike, Don and Raph chuck their weapons over the side of the building]
The Shredder: Fools. Ha, ha. The three of you may have overpowered me with the loss of but one! Now your fate... will be HIS!
[Foot Soldiers broke in through windows]
Michaelangelo: Boy, and I thought insurance salesmen were pushy!
Charles: [Danny puts on his stolen headphones] See? That's what he does when he wants to ignore me; he sticks his head in those things. I wonder where the hell he GOT those things, anyway.
[Michaelangelo jumps out of nowhere, startling April]
Michaelangelo: That was close. Whoa, time to switch to decaf, April.
Chief Sterns: We are presently executing a plan of redeployment that will minimize response time while maximizing coordination between patrol units and a decentralized networking scheme.
April O'Neil: I'm not sure I understood all of that, Chief Sterns. Would you mind repeating it, in English, perhaps?
Teenager: Got any cigarettes?
Head Thug: [pulls out two cartons] Regular or menthol?
Casey Jones: [sighs after knocking out two Foot Soldiers in rapid succession] It's a talent.
Raphael: I do hope there's more o' them.
[after easilly defeating dozens of foot soldiers, the turtles are suddenly getting decimated by their leader, Shredder]
Michaelangelo: [Out of breath] Okay... At what point... did we lose... control, here?
Michaelangelo: [on the phone ordering a pizza] Oh, and I want no anchovies. And I mean, NO anchovies. You put anchovies on this thing and you're in big trouble, okay?
The Shredder: [throwing a knife at a TV of April] Find her. *Silence* her.