[Polly has just finished reading a Fairy Tale]

Young Elizabeth: Did they live happily ever after?

Polly: Of Course Elizabeth.

Young Elizabeth: How do you know?

Polly: Because, she was a good little girl, if she would have been naughty, the Prince would have run away.

Young Elizabeth: What a pile of shit.

Fred: I can't believe we left the party so soon. And there was so much wine to spit around the place.

Elizabeth: I got upset.

Fred: "I got upset." God, you're so stupid. You never leave a party 'til the very very end.

Elizabeth: Oh really?

Fred: Yeah really.

Elizabeth: Well what about Cinderella? Remember what happened with her?

Fred: No I don't remember what happened *with her*. I deliberately forgot all about her. She made me puke. I remember the ugly stepsisters, they were great.

Fred: It takes more than a fire truck to stop Drop Dead Fred.

Elizabeth: Mother, do you remember when I was little, I had a friend, he was make-believe?

Polly: No.

Elizabeth: Don't you remember? Only I could see him?

Polly: No, I don't remember Drop Dead Fred at all.

Fred: [Looking up Polly's skirt] Wow.

[Looks at Elizabeth and points up]

Fred: Cobwebs.

Young Elizabeth: Daddy, why don't we throw mommy out the window? It won't hurt her. She'll land in the gladiolas.

Nigel: You shouldn't say things like that about your mother... She might cut your head off.

Fred: Well why don't we harpoon Charles straight through the head, drag him back to the apartment, and hit him with a hammer until he agrees to come back?

Elizabeth: Harpoon him through the head. That won't work Fred.

Fred: Why not? How many times have you tried it?

[Mickey wants to be as 'crazy' as Elizabeth, and he starts hurling pasta at couples in the resturarant]

Waiter #2: [approaches]

Fred: Uh-oh!


Mickey Bunce: [mimicking his Italian accent] Ok, oka fine - YOU DO IT!

[he slaps his hands underneath the plates the waiter is holding in each hand, sending them flying across the room]

Fred: Just kiss me, and say Drop Dead Fred... now

Elizabeth: Oh, I almost forgot.

[picks her nose and wipes the snot on Charles's face]

Fred: Look, you've got you now. You don't need me.

[Fred looks up a woman's dress]

Fred: No panties. No panties.

[after just meeting Elizabeth for the first time in years]

Fred: Hello, snotface. Yuck what happened to you? You're all older, you're even uglier! Look, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to be sick all over you, immediately. Lie down.

Young Elizabeth: Maybe Mommy's right. I never do anything right.

Fred: No! You're great. She's not.

Fred: Drown the fishes.

Fred: You see when something's not working right, the best thing to do is tear it apart to make it better.

Fred: Oh no, Mickey Fart-Pants. Whoever let HIM grow up?

Fred: Morning. So who's for snot flicking?

[after just seeing Elizabeth's mother]

Fred: Is it? It is. the mega-bitch.

[Elizabeth and Charles are lying down, making out on the sofa]

Fred: Hold on, hold on that's now how the pigeons do it. You're supposed to stamp on her head and peck her

Fred: [pulls Elizabeth towards the stairs] Come on!

Elizabeth: Where are we going?

Fred: Playtime!

[slides down the bannister]

Fred: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

[he slaps straight into the newel post at the bottom]

Elizabeth: [in pain] Ahhh! Oooooh! WHO PUT THAT THERE?

Mickey Bunce: [comes home to find his daughter Natalie, covered with chocolate. He kneels next to her] Natalie, what happened?

Natalie Bunce: We wanted some chocolate! It's yummy, do you want some?

[offers Mickey her hand to lick]

Mickey Bunce: [chuckles] No, I don't want any.

Ms. Fuzzock: This young lady has made quite a mess in the kitchen, and she expects me to believe that some pretend friend did it.

Natalie Bunce: He's not pretend! He's drop dead Fred!

Elizabeth: [kneels down to speak to Natalie] What did you say?

Fred: [appearing from behind a tree] She said I'm not pretend. What are you deaf?

Mickey Bunce: Natalie, come on, what really happened?

Natalie Bunce: I'm telling you the truth! Don't you believe me?

Elizabeth: I believe you. Next time you see that drop dead Fred. You give him my love.

[forces Elizabeth into her room]

Nurse: Good night, flake!

Fred: Yeah, well, we're not scared of you, fatso!

[the door locks]

Fred: I'm not afraid of the megabeast!

Young Elizabeth: I'm not either, when she comes in here we'll make her eat up all this mud!

Fred: Yeah... and then we'll cut her head off...

Young Elizabeth: with scissors...

Fred: Yeah... and then we'll make her eat it

Young Elizabeth: ...make her eat her own head... with what?

Fred: Oh yeah, well I'll eat her head then.

Young Elizabeth: And I'll eat the rest of her!

Fred: Yeah! And then we'll get up and poo her all over the table cause we're not afraid of anything

FredYoung Elizabeth: yeah, yeah YEAH!

Elizabeth: [to Polly] I'm not afraid of you!

Fred: Finally, the magic words!

Fred: Boo!

Elizabeth: Ahhh!

Fred: Hello, Snotface! Yuck! What happened to you? Look at you. You're all older. You're even uglier. Uch. I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to be sick all over you immediately. Lie down.

[Pushes Elizabeth down on the bed]

Fred: Hang on. Where's all the dolls?

Elizabeth: [Whispers] Drop Dead Fred.

Fred: Where is the dolls?

[Throws dolls at Elizabeth]

Fred: I wanna play with the-Ah hah! The dolls! Hello, Jemima. Hello, Angelec.

[Makes the dolls say 'Hello.']

Fred: You're gonna die!

[Screams and hits Jemima's head against the door. Bites off Angelec's head. Throws dolls]

Fred: Mr. Pooh!

[Makes Mr. Pooh say 'Hello.']

Fred: You die too!

[Makes Mr. Pooh say 'No no no.']

Fred: Yes yes yes.

[Screams and rips Mr. Pooh's stuffing out while throwing the stuffing at Elizabeth]

Fred: [Makes Mr. Pooh scream 'No! My intestines. Not my intestines!']

[Spits on Mr. Pooh]

Elizabeth: [Whispers] I must be dreaming.

Fred: I don't love you because love is for girls and girls are disgusting

Fred: Snotface, look... INK - let's write something on the carpet... I know how 'bout "Mother SUCKS".

Fred: [sitting between Elizabeth and Mickey] Oh great. Now I'm stuck between two complete utter girls.

Fred: You just put a piece of broccoli in your mouth and said, "Mm, what a lovely piece of broccoli."

Charles: Does this Fred play rough?

Elizabeth: Only with me.

Charles: Jesus.

Fred: I wrote the note. Hahahahaha! Haven't got a husband! Haven't got a husband! Got a stupid hair cut!

Elizabeth: Go away

Fred: go away? why do you want me to go away? Fine! say the magic words and i'll piss off

Elizabeth: Piss off!

Fred: Ha! I lied those weren't the magic words

Polly: What did you say?

Fred: She told you to piss off

Polly: [walks up to Nigel who is holding young Elizabeth at the bottom of the stairs]

[offering him the tape]

Polly: Nigel, do it.

Nigel: No, I won't. I don't want anything to do with it, it's not right.

Polly: Alright, I'll do it.

[begins to tape the jack-in-the-box close]

Nigel: [kisses Elizabeth and then goes to Polly]


Nigel: It's not right.

Polly: What do you know about raising a child?

Nigel: [looks to Elizabeth and to Polly] Apparently nothing.

[he leaves the house]

Fred: I am a loner, a crazy wide eyed loner on a doomed mission to Venus to battle with the 3 headed mega beast but on the way I caught cornflakes disease.

[first lines]

Polly: And the prince took the beautiful young girl in his arms and said, will you marry me? Yes, she whispered, I will be your princess.

Young Elizabeth: Did they live happily ever after?

Polly: Of course, Elizabeth.

[tucking her in]

Young Elizabeth: How do you know?

Polly: Because she was a good little girl. If she had been naughty, the prince would have run away.

Young Elizabeth: What a pile of shit!

Fred: [sitting inside the refrigerator]

[about Charles]

Fred: Snotface, he's the wrong man for you.

Elizabeth: I don't want to hear it

Fred: You're not happy.

[Elizabeth closes the fridge door]

Elizabeth: Yes I am.

Fred: [crawling from underneath a counter] Well, if you're so happy, then why I am still here, hmm?

Elizabeth: I can fix that.

[she pulls out the pills]

Fred: Oh no, don't do that. No, please, don't do that. Do-

[Elizabeth takes the pill, he dubs over in pain. While grinding pepper, Elizabeth sneezes and sends Fred bouncing against the walls]

[Fred appears in front of a mirror]

Fred: Boo!

Elizabeth: Aaah!

Fred: [laughing] Shit yourself?

Elizabeth: I thought you were dead.

Fred: Hey, it takes more than a fire truck to stop Drop Dead Fred.

[Fred sees Elizabeth and Charles]

Fred: Ugh! What does that taste like?

[Elizabeth elbows him in the gut]

Fred: [while dancing in the chair in the living room with dog poo on his shoes] Dog poo, dog poo, yucky yucky dog poo. Dog poo on the chair... all on the sides, all up there, yucky yucky smelly dog poo!

Fred: [to Elizabeth] You got married? You mean you've been doing it like the pigeons? No! Yuck!