[Joe has just found out that Mike was sleeping with his wife]

Mike Mathews: It just happened, Joe. It...

Joe Hallenbeck: Sure, sure, I know... it just happened. Coulda happened to anybody. It was an accident, right? You tripped, slipped on the floor and accidentally stuck your dick in my wife. "Whoops! I'm so sorry, Mrs. H. I guess this just isn't my week."

Alley Thug: Wrong place, wrong time. Nothing personal.

Joe Hallenbeck: That's what you think. Last night I fucked your wife.

Alley Thug: Oh you did, hah? How'd you know it was my wife?

Joe Hallenbeck: She said her husband was a big pimp lookin' motherfucker with a hat.

Alley Thug: Oh, you're real cool for somebody who's about to take a bullet.

Joe Hallenbeck: After fucking your wife I'll take two.

Milo: You think you're so fuckin' cool, don't you? You think you're so fuckin' cool. Well just once, I would like to hear you scream, in pain.

Joe Hallenbeck: Play some rap music.

Alley Thug: All right, you want it in the chest, or the head?

Joe Hallenbeck: Yeah, that's what your wife said.

Alley Thug: Hey, would you stop with the wife shit?

Joe Hallenbeck: Ask me how fat she is.

Alley Thug: Fuck you, man! How fat is she?

Joe Hallenbeck: She's so fat I had to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot. Motherfucker, if you wanna fuck her you gotta slap her thigh and ride the wave in. Now I'm not saying she's fat, her high school picture was an aerial photograph.

[Joe Hallenbeck wakes up in his car and stares at his grubby reflection in the mirror]

Joe Hallenbeck: Nobody likes you. Everybody hates you. You're gonna lose. Smile, you fuck.

Joe Hallenbeck: Water is wet, the sky is blue, women have secrets. Who gives a fuck?

[Jimmy is being approached by a bunch of goons]

Jimmy Dix: Right now, I'm trying to figure out which one of you looks the most like my dick. If you got something to say, say it. Otherwise get the fuck outta here.

Scrabble Man: Drop the gun, Hallenbeck.

[takes Joe's gun and tosses it]

Scrabble Man: Bit late for a stroll, don't you think?

Joe Hallenbeck: Yeah, you girls oughta be gettin' home.

Jimmy Dix: Yeah, streetlights are on.

Jake: Shut up, fuckface.

Joe Hallenbeck: I'm fuckface, he's asshole.

[Jimmy smiles sarcastically, in agreement]

Scrabble Man: Jake?

[Jake punches Joe in the face]

Scrabble Man: Apprise Rodney Dangerfield here of his situation. Perhaps we can dispense with the fun and games now, yes?

Joe Hallenbeck: You want the envelope, right?

Scrabble Man: The envelope, very smart. See, Jake, here's a man who knows when a situation is untenable.

Joe Hallenbeck: Good word.

Scrabble Man: You like that word? And you do have that envelope, don't you?

Joe Hallenbeck: Better give up, Jimmy. We're dealin' with a couple of geniuses here.

[Jake punches Joe in the face again]

Jimmy Dix: Alright man, just leave him the fuck alone!

[Jake kicks Jimmy in the groin]

Scrabble Man: Leave him alone? Sure, whatever you say. Jake attacks his job with a certain exuberance.

Jimmy Dix: Shit, we're bein' beat up by the inventor of Scrabble.

Scrabble Man: He's still in a good mood, Jake. Kick him again.

Joe Hallenbeck: All right! You want the envelope the hooker had, right?

Jimmy Dix: She wasn't a hooker, Joe.

Joe Hallenbeck: Shut the fuck up.

[Joe gets to his office, after waking up next to a dead squirrel a bunch of kids threw in his car]

Mike Matthews: What'd you do last night?

Joe Hallenbeck: I think I fucked a squirrel to death, and don't remember.

Jimmy Dix: You don't like women much do ya Joe.

Joe Hallenbeck: [about his wife] At least I liked the guy she was fuckin'. He was my best friend.

Jimmy Dix: Nah man, he was a scumbag private detective.

Joe Hallenbeck: All private detectives are scumbags.

Jimmy Dix: Yeah, but that scumbag tried to get you killed.

Joe Hallenbeck: Yeah well, friends can't be perfect. I wish that water wasn't wet, I wish the sky wasn't blue and I wish that I didn't still love my wife. Ahh, life sucks!

[reaches for a glass of wine]

[to Milo]

Joe Hallenbeck: I told you, if you ever touch me again, I'll kill you.

Jimmy Dix: I figure you gotta be the dumbest guy in the world, Joe. You're trying the save the life of the man who ruined your career, and avenge the death of the guy that fucked your wife.

Jimmy Dix: Man, you couldn't protect a cup of warm piss.

[throws ice at Joe]

Joe Hallenbeck: Why don't you just go ahead and hit me?

Jimmy Dix: Excuse me?

Joe Hallenbeck: Come on, chicken shit. Bust me in the chops. You don't think an old guy like me could hurt ya, do ya Jimmy?

Jimmy Dix: So now you know my name?

Joe Hallenbeck: James Alexander Dix. Quarterback for the L.A. Stallions, '89-'90. Banned from the league on gambling charges, allegations of drug abuse. Another tragic tale of wasted youth.

Jimmy Dix: [stands up from his chair] Now you're starting to piss me off.

Joe Hallenbeck: It's about fuckin' time. I'm Joe Hallenbeck.

Joe Hallenbeck: [Joe reaches out his hand, Jimmy slaps it] I'm a private detective.

Jimmy Dix: You're like a fuckin' lowlife to me.

Joe Hallenbeck: At least I didn't shit my talent away on coke.

[Jimmy tries to punch Joe, who subsequently blocks his punch and pushes him on the ground]

Joe Hallenbeck: [noticing his spilled whiskey] I spilled my warm cup of piss.

Milo: Can we do a formal introduction here?

Joe Hallenbeck: Who gives a fuck? You're the bad guy, right?

Milo: I am the bad guy.

Joe Hallenbeck: And I'm supposed to be trembling with fear, something like that?

Milo: Something like that.

Joe Hallenbeck: Fine. I'll start trembling in a minute.

Joe Hallenbeck: Where are you goin'?

Jimmy Dix: To the bathroom, okay. You wanna come? The doc said I shouldn't lift anything heavy.

Joe Hallenbeck: No, I'll pass.

Sarah Hallenbeck: [arguing; justifying her infidelity] You were never around. You know what? Fuck you, Joe. I was lonely!

Joe Hallenbeck: Buy a dog.

Jimmy Dix: Feel like I've been rode hard and put away wet.

Joe Hallenbeck: What the hell does that mean?

Jimmy Dix: It's horse talk, man.

Joe Hallenbeck: They got the brothers ridin' horses now, huh?

Jimmy Dix: Yeah, cars're gettin' too hard to steal.

Joe Hallenbeck: You ever wear, like, a little cowboy hat?

Jimmy Dix: [laughs] I'm really good, man. Maybe I could take your daughter out. What's she like?

Joe Hallenbeck: She's like thirteen years old, and if you even look at her funny, I'm gonna stick an umbrella up your ass and open it.

Joe Hallenbeck: [Joe doesn't like the music being played at the strip club where Cory works] This the only kind of music they play in this joint?

Cory: Mm-hm.

Joe Hallenbeck: I hate this funk shit. I'll have to charge you extra.

Cory: What did you expect?

Joe Hallenbeck: The Four Freshmen. Pat Boone.

Cory: What are you, my father?

Joe Hallenbeck: Yeah, I'm your father. Go put some clothes on.

Cory: You're hilarious.

[Gets up to leave]

Cory: Go stick your head in that speaker. You'll be screaming, "Play that funky music, white boy!"

Joe Hallenbeck: The screaming part, I believe.

Joe Hallenbeck: Can I have a cigarette?

Chet: A cigarette? Yeah sure.

[gives him one]

Joe Hallenbeck: Got a light?

Chet: Yeah, got a light.

[pretends to give him a light and punches him instead]

Chet: Hey baby I thought you were tough. See Pablo, he's no sweat!

Joe Hallenbeck: I seem to have dropped my cigarette. May I have another?

Chet: [hesitates] Sure, sure thing buddy.

[gives him another cigarette]

Joe Hallenbeck: I'm gonna need a light. You touch me again, I'll kill ya.

Joe Hallenbeck: [32:01] Leather pants?

Jimmy Dix: Yeah.

Joe Hallenbeck: What's something like that run?

Jimmy Dix: Six-fifty.

Joe Hallenbeck: Six hundred and fifty dollars?

Jimmy Dix: Yeah.

Joe Hallenbeck: They're pants.

Jimmy Dix: Yeah.

Joe Hallenbeck: You wear them?

Jimmy Dix: YES.

Joe Hallenbeck: They don't, like, have a TV in them or something?

Jimmy Dix: Nope.

Joe Hallenbeck: I am very old.

Joe Hallenbeck: [giving Jimmy a briefcase full of $6 million] Go buy yourself a new pair of pants.

Jimmy Dix: Hey, man. You ever play ball? You've got a good build.

Joe Hallenbeck: What are you, a fag?

Jimmy Dix: No, I'm just trying to break the ice.

Joe Hallenbeck: I like ice. Leave it the fuck alone.

Jimmy Dix: Oh, you're a lot of fun to be with.

Jimmy Dix: I'm saying again for the cheap seats, Lieutenant. I DON'T KNOW WHERE JOE HALLENBECK IS! That's my fucking statement! Write it down and shove it up your ass.

Lieutenant Benjamin Bessalo: I could nail you for obstruction.

Jimmy Dix: You couldn't nail a two dollar whore.

Joe Hallenbeck: [Joe just found out that Mathews was having an affair with his wife] Head or gut, Mike?

Mike Mathews: Joe, how long have we been friends?

Joe Hallenbeck: I'd say roughly until you started banging my wife. Head or gut?

Mike Mathews: [sighs] Gut.

Joe Hallenbeck: [punches Mike in the gut] Got that address for me?

Mike Mathews: [out of breath] Huh?

Joe Hallenbeck: The surveillance job.

Mike Mathews: [still out of breath] You still want the job?

Joe Hallenbeck: 500 bucks is 500 bucks, Mike.

Mike Mathews: [gives Joe a picture of Cory] Yeah, I guess you're right.

Joe Hallenbeck: [looking at the picture] Cory, huh? You throw a shot into her too?

[Mike leaves]

Joe Hallenbeck: [to his neighbor's dog who keeps coming into his yard] Get the fuck out of here, go shit in your own yard.

[while Joe is dancing a jig]

Jimmy Dix: You know, for a dancer, he is one hell of a detective.

Jimmy Dix: What, you don't believe in love?

Joe Hallenbeck: Yeah, I believe in love; I also believe in cancer.

Jimmy Dix: What, they're both diseases?

Joe Hallenbeck: Yeah, something like that.

Jimmy Dix: I'd love to meet the bitch that fucked you up.

[Joe is talking to a puppet on his hand]

Joe Hallenbeck: [speaking as puppet] Why did Mr. Milo cross the road?

Joe Hallenbeck: I don't know. Why?

Joe Hallenbeck: [speaking as puppet] Because his dick was stuck in a chicken!

Lieutenant Benjamin Bessalo: There's a new invention out. It's called the razor.

Joe Hallenbeck: Too risky, I might start thinkin' about you and slash my wrists.

Mike Mathews: [Mike is trying to offer Joe a case] So listen, I'm booked. You got plans?

Joe Hallenbeck: I'm thinking about smoking some cigarettes.

Mike Mathews: Could you postpone?

Joe Hallenbeck: These are pretty good cigarettes.

Jimmy Dix: If you go any faster we're gonna travel back in time.

[On pulling up to Joe Hallenbeck's home]

Jimmy Dix: Wow, an actual house. I was thinking a cave with... skulls and shit.

Jimmy Dix: Hey, ugly! Looks like our evidence got blown up. I think we might have to get some more.

Joe Hallenbeck: Just won't let go, huh? You're like a dog with a frisbee.

Joe Hallenbeck: Oh, if it isn't Shelly Marcone himself.

Sheldon 'Shelly' Marcone: Careful, son. Just my friends call me Shelly.

Joe Hallenbeck: You got friends? When did this happen?

Jimmy Dix: Shit happens real easy, starts out painkillers, Demerol because your fucking knees are shot, before you know it you're chewing Codeine with your pancakes. Then a truck comes out of nowhere then you're talking to the God and say, "hey, help me out big guy, I pay taxes, I go to church, What's with this dead wife and kid shit?" But he isn't answering because he isn't taking any calls that day, then I get a call from the league, and they're saying, "Hey kid, your career is over." I ask "why?" "Because you gamble." Why is there an injury report in pro football? Nobody else has one, only pro football does.

Jimmy Dix: You're a real bastard, ya know that, Joe?

Joe Hallenbeck: And then some.

Jimmy Dix: [to himself] Okay, what would Joe do at a time like this? He'd kill everybody and smoke some cigarettes.

Jimmy Dix: Hi, you're nobody.

Joe Hallenbeck: Shhh, don't tell anyone.

McCoskey: Good morning, gentlemen. Is there a problem?

Milo: Yes, officer. As a matter of fact there is a problem. Apparently there are too many bullets in this gun.

[uses the gun to kill the officer]

McCoskey: I've got bad news and bad news.

Lieutenant Benjamin Bessalo: Give me the bad news first.

Sheldon 'Shelly' Marcone: Joe, have you ever heard of the Senate's Commission to Investigate Gambling in Professional Sports?

Joe Hallenbeck: Is that who you're payin' off?

Sheldon 'Shelly' Marcone: The commission's gonna vote next March. I got every one of 'em in my hip pocket, except Senator Calvin Baynard. I tried to bribe that son of a bitch, Joe. He gave it back because it wasn't enough.

Joe Hallenbeck: [chuckles] What's he want?

Sheldon 'Shelly' Marcone: Six million. Or he'll go straight to the police. You know, I think it's just gonna be cheaper to kill that son of a bitch.

Joe Hallenbeck: Takin' off a U.S. Senator, that's pretty ballsy, even for an asshole like you.

Sheldon 'Shelly' Marcone: You said it, Joe-boy. That's why we're gonna frame you for the senator's murder.

Sheldon 'Shelly' Marcone: Football is a dyin' beast, Joe. No heroes left. Not anymore. Since ol' Sonny Werblin paid four hundred thousand dollars to Joe Namath in '66, the son of a bitches have just gotten greedier. God Almighty, when's it enough? Jesus, free agents. "Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme." Now you got guys on PCP wiggin' out and shootin' themselves on the field. The American public is piss-pot tired of it, and they're changing the channel.

Joe Hallenbeck: Ratings are down. So you're gonna bribe some senators to legalize gambling.

Sheldon 'Shelly' Marcone: Legalize sports gambling. You see, with all the heroes gone, legalized gambling is about the only thing that'll save the beast. You follow me, Joe? We're talking about some big bucks here. We're talking about billions. That's nine zeroes, son.

Joe Hallenbeck: I'm not your fuckin' son.

Darian Hallenbeck: [in Marcone's office] Eat shit you fucking redneck!

Jimmy Dix: Alex was my son, I used to be married, one Sunday away in Miami my wife couldn't come because she was eight months pregnant, she walking down La Brea boulevard, out of nowhere a pickup truck jumped the curb POW! she never knew what hit her she died, but Alex lived in a incubator for seventeen minutes, just enough time for one dream, then he died, I think about him all the time, I threw for three hundred yards that day while my wife and kid were dying, I played the game of my life, life sucks.

Joe Hallenbeck: I swear to Christ, Junior, if I survive this fuckin' case I'm gonna dance a jig.

Jimmy Dix: What?

Joe Hallenbeck: I'm gonna dance a jig, I swear to Christ.

Joe Hallenbeck: Hey flash, rescue attempt?

Jimmy Dix: Blow me.

Milo: You must be James.

Jimmy Dix: [sarcastically] James?

Joe Hallenbeck: He does that with everybody. He calls me Joseph.

Milo: I trust you're alone.

Jimmy Dix: No, I got the fuckin' Vienna Boys Choir with me. What, is everybody stupid around here?

[thug slams his head into car bonnet]

Joe Hallenbeck: Just you, kid.

[Joe and Jimmy are trying to tell the bodyguards in a car about a bomb]

Joe Hallenbeck: Now what are you doing?

Jimmy Dix: I'm drawing them a picture.

Joe Hallenbeck: What is that?

Jimmy Dix: It's a bomb.

Joe Hallenbeck: It doesn't look like a bomb, it looks like an apple with lines comin' out of it. They're gonna say "Don't open the briefcase, it's full of fresh fruit!"

Jimmy Dix: You wanna draw the damn thing?

[Jimmy shows Joe the drawing of a bomb with "BOM" written below]

Jimmy Dix: Happy?

Joe Hallenbeck: Are you kidding me?

Jimmy Dix: [shows the drawing to the bodyguards] Always criticizing my shit. I can't do nothin' right.

[the bodyguards shoot at them]

Jimmy Dix: Oh, shit!

Joe Hallenbeck: I forgot to tell you. "Bom" means "fuck you" in Polish.

Jimmy Dix: Hey, that's not funny, man. I almost bought it there!

Joe Hallenbeck: Tragic loss to the art world, let me tell ya.

Joe Hallenbeck: Water is wet, the sky is blue, women have secrets.

Joe Hallenbeck: So... you don't think the cops can help you?

Cory: Sure. After I'm dead, they'll perform the autopsy.

Darian Hallenbeck: The hell's that number on the back of your head? Is that like a license plate in case somebody tries to steal it?

Jimmy Dix: No. It's a football thing. It's my high school number.

Darian Hallenbeck: So when do you graduate?

Jimmy Dix: ...You wanna be left alone, don't you? I'll be in the kitchen, over here.

Jimmy Dix: It ain't right.

Joe Hallenbeck: No, it ain't right.


Joe Hallenbeck: This ain't no game, flash. Real guns, real bullets. It's dangerous.

Jimmy Dix: Danger's my middle name.

Joe Hallenbeck: Mine's Cornelius. You tell anybody, I'll kill you.

Jimmy Dix: You ever watch "Soul Train"?

Joe Hallenbeck: Shut the fuck up.

Jimmy Dix: She gets evidence to use against 'em, right?

Joe Hallenbeck: That's right.

Jimmy Dix: So now we have the evidence.

Joe Hallenbeck: What we got, Junior, is Marcone and Baynard by the nuts and that is why I love America.

Joe Hallenbeck: Hey, you got a car here? Hey! You got a car?

Pool Owner: Yeah.

Joe Hallenbeck: Give me the keys.

Pool Owner: No way.

Joe Hallenbeck: [Holds his gun to Darian's head] Give me the keys or I shoot the kid.

Jimmy Dix: [Jimmy has just survived being thrown off an overpass and is now trying to calm startled motorists] It's okay. It's okay, folks. It's okay. It's okay. Thank you. Thank you. Danger is my middle name. Don't try this at home, folks. I'm a trained professional. There's me, and there's Super Dave.

[Passes out]

Joe Hallenbeck: [Joe is convinced Sarah is hiding another man in their bedroom closet] That door stays shut. What I'm going to do is count to three. Then I'm going to put a bullet in that door.

Sarah Hallenbeck: Jesus.

Joe Hallenbeck: You can stop me any time by telling the truth.

[Cocks gun]

Joe Hallenbeck: One...

Sarah Hallenbeck: Call your shrink, Joe! Call him and tell him that you're fucking losing it!

Joe Hallenbeck: The truth is a beautiful thing.

Milo: Hey, motherfucker.

Joe Hallenbeck: Hey, Milo. Where ya callin' from, the bottom of the pool?

Jimmy Dix: It's called a vocabulary. You got one of those?

Joe Hallenbeck: Sorry, my subscription to JUGGS magazine ran out.

Jimmy Dix: Come one, Cory, let's go.

Cory: Wait, I gotta wait for Hallenbeck.

Jimmy Dix: Are you in some kind of trouble?

Cory: It's nothing serious, let's just wait for Hallenbeck.

Jimmy Dix: Is there some guy bothering you?

Cory: Seriously, let's just wait for Hallenbeck.

Jimmy Dix: Hallenbeck's a bum. What's he gonna do, light a match and breathe on the guy?

Jimmy Dix: Do you want to get kicked off the planet?

[last lines]

Joe Hallenbeck: Be prepared, son. That's my motto. Be prepared.

[Joe and Jimmy arrive at the stadium and see Marcone's car]

Jimmy Dix: Hey, that's Marcone's car.

Joe Hallenbeck: Come on!

Jimmy Dix: [pulls out his keys and scratches the car] I've always wanted to do that.

Joe Hallenbeck: You should've shit on it.

Milo: Push this vile fuck off the road, man!

Milo: Excuse me, but did any of you stupid shits bother to frisk this FUCK? He could be a God damned cop. Frisk him please.

Sheldon 'Shelly' Marcone: Give him the key or I'll have you kneecapped.

Jimmy Dix: Whoops.

[Jimmy throws a "Shredder" shotgun shell into the fireplace]

Jimmy Dix: Look like nobody gets the money. That's one of those new plastic keys.

Sheldon 'Shelly' Marcone: Get the god damn key!

Jimmy Dix: [to Joe] The kind that shred.

Joe Hallenbeck: Darian, get down!

Harp: Hey, last time I saw you drink straight vodka was 'cause you just cheated on Cory.

Jimmy Dix: Yeah, well, why don't you pour me another?

Harp: Oh, man. You didn't? You gotta be crazy, partner, cheatin' on her.

Jimmy Dix: I gotta be somethin', Harp. 'Cause nowadays all I do is lose friends, drink, and nail anything with a heartbeat.

Harp: Yeah, well, uh, just stay on that side of the bar, huh?

Jimmy Dix: [effeminately] Oh, Harp.

[first lines]

Locker Room Kid: Billy Cole. Billy Cole.

Head Coach: The first half stunk! Open the holes up! Get in there like hogs! Like pigs!

Locker Room Kid: Billy Cole. You got a call on line three.

Head Coach: Let's go out there in this half and kick some butt! Let's get out of this town as a winner! I hate Cleveland!

Cory: [with Jimmy Dix in jacuzzi] If I were a cat, I'd purrrrrr.

Joe Hallenbeck: Since it's the '90s, you don't just smack a guy in the face. You say something cool first.

Jimmy Dix: Like, "I'll be back."

Joe Hallenbeck: Only better than that. Hit him with a surfboard...

Jimmy Dix: "Surf's up!"

Joe Hallenbeck: Something like that.

McCoskey: I got bad news and bad news.

Lieutenant Benjamin Bessalo: Give me the bad news first.

McCoskey: Bad news is someone bounced Jimmy Dix off a car.

Lieutenant Benjamin Bessalo: Now give me the bad news.

McCoskey: I Just got a statement from Hallenbeck's neighbor. The day he died, Mike Matthews came to Hallenbeck's house early in the morning to discuss a case...

Billy Cole: Ain't life a bitch?

[shoots himself in the head]

Joe Hallenbeck: That briefcase was loaded with explosives, wasn't it?

Milo: Ten pounds of C-4 is on the way to the Coliseum right now. It's ironic, don't you think? That this bomb's gonna be delivered to Baynard by his own personal bodyguards? After his death, the police will receive a photograph of you, Joseph, handing over the briefcase, and blame you for the crime. And they'll believe it, too, because they know what a fan of Baynard's you are.

Joe Hallenbeck: Go fuck yourself.

Milo: Okay, now that's not polite.

[Opens a switchblade and holds it in Joe's face]

Milo: It's very abusive-sounding. What would you do, Joseph, if somebody told you to go fuck yourself? Would you cut one of their eyes out?

Joe Hallenbeck: No.

Milo: No? What would you do?

Mike Mathews: [about Cory] She's hot, Joe. She rates a three on my finger scale. That means I'd cut off three of my fingers if God would let me fuck her.

Jimmy Dix: You don't believe in love?

Joe Hallenbeck: I believe in love. I believe in Cancer.

Jimmy Dix: You're saying they're both diseases? I'd love to meet the bitch who fucked you up.