Only the Lonely (1991)
John Candy: Danny Muldoon
Photos
Quotes
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Danny : [to save time, Danny and Sal decide to transport a corpse out a sixth floor window via a fire hose but the hose turns out to be too short] I guess we have to bring him back up.
Salvatore Buonarte : I'm not bringing him back up here, he's too damn heavy!
Danny : Well, what do you suggest we do?
Salvatore Buonarte : Cut the hose.
Danny : [shocked] Cut the hose?
Salvatore Buonarte : Yeah, let him fall.
Danny : To the ground?
Salvatore Buonarte : Yeah!
Danny : A fall like that could kill a guy!
Salvatore Buonarte : He's dead for Chrissake! He's not gonna mind!
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Danny : [Danny has just scored a date with Theresa and runs into some funeral attendees] Yeah! Oh... sorry... but I just got lucky in there with a girl.
[funeral attendees look shocked]
Danny : Not in that way... she does everybody in there... not in that way. But she probably did that guy there... I gotta go.
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Danny : I suppose you're proud of yourself.
Rose : Just telling it like it is.
Danny : That's been your excuse for the last 67 years.
Rose : My excuse?
Danny : Your excuse for hurting people whenever the hell you feel like it!
Rose : I don't hurt people.
Danny : Oh no? I guess you didn't hurt Aunt Dolly on her wedding day when you said she looked like a, uh, a cheap Las Vegas hooker.
Rose : Well, did you see the wedding dress? The back of it was cut right down to here. You could see the crack of her - Well, it was indecent.
Danny : And I guess you didn't hurt cousin Jerry when you called his German wife a Nazi who probably slept with Hitler.
Rose : Well, there's no proof that she didn't.
Danny : [prepares for the big one] I guess you never hurt dad, either.
Rose : [shuts the fridge door, stern] I *never* hurt your father, ever.
Danny : Florsheim Shoes?
Rose : [surprised] How do you know about that?
Danny : You came home late. You were arguing and I woke up. I was scared. I didn't know what was going on, so I listened in at the door.
Rose : A little spy.
Danny : Come on, I was only 12.
Rose : Spy!
Danny : Florsheim Shoes was his big account. He worked on that for over two-and-a-half years.
Rose : Danny.
Danny : You blew it for him in one night.
Rose : Danny, don't.
Danny : And all he had to do was sign a deal at dinner. One fancy schmancy dinner with the VP from Florsheim.
Rose : [attempts to leave the kitchen] I'm going to bed.
Danny : [blocks her way out] No, you're not. Everything was fine that evening. Dinner was perfect. Dad had him at the palm of his hand. Until you decided it was time to tell it like it is.
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Rose : I was right. I still stand by what I said.
Danny : You called dad's bosses filthy Jew shylocks!
Rose : They never gave him a raise. Not in 12 years. Not one Christmas bonus.
Danny : Ma, the vice president of Florsheim and his wife were Jewish!
Rose : Well, how was I supposed to know? They didn't look Jewish. I wasn't talking about them. They took it personal.
Danny : You lost the account for him! $450,000 to the company! He's lucky he didn't lose his job!
Rose : Your father *never* stood up to his bosses. It was time somebody set the record straight.
Danny : That night was the only time I ever heard my father cry. And still to this day, you still tell it like it is.
Rose : I don't mean to hurt people. Really.
[Danny scoffs at her and heads to the front door]
Rose : Where are you going?
Danny : To Halstead. A friend of mine owns a jewelry shop. He owes me a favor. I'm gonna make him open up his store. Then I'm gonna buy the biggest engagement ring I can afford. Then I'm gonna ask Theresa Luna to be my wife. Just telling it like it is, ma.
[he exits]
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[repeated line]
Danny : Sometimes it's good to be a cop.
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Rose : Oh, that's a lovely dress you wearing.
Danny : Isn't it?
Theresa : Oh, thank you!
Rose : Even though it is a little big on top.
Danny : Ma!
Rose : Well, it is, you said so yourself.
Danny : Ma!
Theresa : No, no that's a problem I have, I'm not really that endowed on top.
Danny : No, no, no, no, no.
Rose : You're built like a thirteen year old boy.
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Danny : [takes both his mother and Theresa out to dinner for them to meet for the first time] Ma, this is Theresa. Theresa, this is my mother.
Theresa : [smiles, shaking her hand] Pleased to meet you, Mrs. Muldoon.
Rose : Rose. I'm Rose.
Theresa : Rose.
Rose : Mm-hmm. Oh, that's a lovely dress you're wearing.
Theresa : Oh, thank you.
Rose : Even though it is a little big on top.
Danny : Ma.
Rose : Well, it is. You said so yourself.
Theresa : No, that's a-a problem I have. I'm really not that endowed on top.
Rose : You're built like a thirteen-year-old boy.
Danny : Ma, would you please don't start?
Rose : It's a joke. I'm trying to make jokes here. I'm trying to lighten things up a little.
[the waiter arrives to take their drink orders and Theresa requests a vodka double on the rocks]
Rose : A vodka drinker.
Danny : Well, ma, Theresa's probably a little nervous, you know, being here with us and all. You know, you can understand that.
Rose : It's the first signs of alcoholism.
Danny : What?
Rose : I read it in Reader's Digest.
Theresa : Rose, I can assure you I'm not an alcoholic.
Rose : Oh, denial - that's another symptom. The article said that one shot of vodka was equal to all of the calories in a ham sandwich.
Theresa : [laughs] Good. Maybe then I'll gain some weight and grow breasts for you.
[Rose looks at her distastefully and says nothing]
