Soapdish (1991)
Kevin Kline: Jeffrey Anderson
Photos
Quotes
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[Reading unrehearsed lines off the TelePrompTer]
Celeste Talbert : [as Maggie] Dr. Randall, what a surprise! Are you having lunch here?
Jeffrey Anderson : [as Dr. Randall] I will if it's that sample. Huh... I wish it was that simple.
Edmund Edwards : [offstage] This guy never heard of contact lenses?
Jeffrey Anderson : [as Dr. Randall] The test results have come back.
Celeste Talbert : [as Maggie] And?
Jeffrey Anderson : [as Dr. Randall] And I'm afraid the results are very disturbing. It seems that Angelique has a rare case of brake fluid...
[pause]
Jeffrey Anderson : Bran... fluid. Bran flavor.
Burton White : What the hell?
David Barnes : [offstage] Brain fever!
Edmund Edwards : [offstage, loudly] Say it!
Celeste Talbert : [as Maggie] Brain fever!
Jeffrey Anderson : [as Dr. Randall] Yes. Brain fever. Or what we call in Austria...
[they both goggle at the word]
Jeffrey Anderson : Kopfgeschlagen. At the current rate of inflation, her brain will laterally explore the...
Celeste Talbert : [as Maggie] Literally explode?
Jeffrey Anderson : [as Dr. Randall] Exactly, within the next three houses.
Celeste Talbert : [as Maggie] Hours?
Jeffrey Anderson : [as Dr. Randall] Yes, will literally explode within next three hours. I would suggest leaving the restraint.
Celeste Talbert : [as Maggie] Restaurant?
Jeffrey Anderson : [as Dr. Randall] Restaurant, yes.
Celeste Talbert : [as Maggie] Her brain will actually explode?
Jeffrey Anderson : [as Dr. Randall] Yes, yes, I've, um, seen it happen. It's a dreadful, dreadful thug. Thing.
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Jeffrey Anderson : You have beautiful eyes.
Ariel Maloney : Ooh, they're nothing compared to my tits.
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Montana Moorehead : [as Lori, Celeste, And Jeffrey kiss and make up] WAIT! Wait! But I'm carrying his child!
Jeffrey Anderson : [annoyed] I didn't sleep with her! Will somebody please believe me!
[Ariel and Rose enter as doctors]
Jeffrey Anderson : Doctor!
Ariel Maloney : A second opinion...
[Celeste mouths to Rose asking what she's doing]
Ariel Maloney : ...this is Dr. Frans Blau of the sex change clinic in Bethesda, Maryland.
Rose Schwartz : Thank you. Dr. Randall, after extensive investigations, I've come to the conclusion that it's virtually impossible for you to have impregnated your nurse - Montana Moorehead - because before she came to our little clinic, she was... Milton Moorehead of Syosset, Long Island. Hello!
[Rose opens the high school yearbook showing Montana's teenage boy photo]
Montana Moorehead : [shouts and runs off] NO! NO! NO!
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Jeffrey Anderson : Of course I'm an egomaniac! I have America's Sweetheart climbing up my drainpipe!
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Jeffrey Anderson : One more date we would've had a Greek tragedy on our hands.
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Jeffrey Anderson : Of course I can kiss her!
Lori Craven : This is ridiculous! I can kiss who I want!
Celeste Talbert : No! You can't! You can't kiss her!
Jeffrey Anderson : Why because she's *your* neice?
Celeste Talbert : [shouts] No, you nitwit! Because she's my daughter! And your daughter.
Lori Craven : What?
Jeffrey Anderson : What are you talking about?
Celeste Talbert : We're her parents! *You* and I!
[sobbing]
Celeste Talbert : We're her Mommy and her Daddy.
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Jeffrey Anderson : Don't call me Mr. Loman! My name is Anderson! Anderson! ANDERSON!
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Ariel Maloney : New boy in town?
Jeffrey Anderson : Just got off the choo-choo... you have lovely eyes.
Ariel Maloney : They're nothing compared to my tits! You should come up and see them sometime!
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[Explaining his proposal for a one-man Hamlet play]
Jeffrey Anderson : See, my - my theory is that all the characters are Hamlet: it's all happening in Hamlet's head. So you only need one actor.
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Lori Craven : Excuse me. Can I join you? I'm Lori Craven: the homeless mute.
Jeffrey Anderson : You speak beautifully for a mute.
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Celeste Talbert : What are you doing here?
Jeffrey Anderson : This is my apartment, I live here, what are YOU doing here?
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[scene switch back and forth of Celeste, Lori, and Jeffrey in Edwards' office]
Celeste Talbert : I never worked in an atmosphere like this before.
Jeffrey Anderson : This whole pregnancy thing is a scam! I resent being treated like a leper!
Lori Craven : Having to work with these two is a personal nightmare for me. I'm on the verge of a breakdown!
Celeste Talbert : I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown!
Jeffrey Anderson : I could conceivably have a breakdown.
Lori Craven : I mean, can you imagine what it's like having to face them on the set every single day?
Celeste Talbert : It just seems to get harder and harder, even though I devoted my entire life to this show.
Jeffrey Anderson : [walks back and forth lost for words] Uh...
Lori Craven : Mr. Edwards, it's them or me, that is the bottom line here. They go or I go!
Edwards : This is the toughest decision I ever have to make, but I get paid 1.2 million dollars to make these kind of command decisions. So here it is...
[eats a cracker]
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Jeffrey Anderson : [onstage as Willy Loman] You have a fine city here.
Old Woman : You're doing so well up there.
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Lori Craven : The hand thing is starting to sound rehearsed.
Jeffrey Anderson : Rehearsed? Maybe I need new material.
Lori Craven : No, I mean talk, like ourselves.
Jeffrey Anderson : Would you like to have dinner?
Lori Craven : Yes
Jeffrey Anderson : With me?
Lori Craven : Yes
Jeffrey Anderson : Just like that?
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Jeffrey Anderson : Lori, get your clothes on! Your aunt's here.
Celeste Talbert : You lowlife, lecherous-Lori?
Jeffrey Anderson : She left ten minutes ago.
Celeste Talbert : Don't insult my intelligence.
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Celeste Talbert : I didn't know it was your drainpipe, I thought it was somebody else's drainpipe.
Jeffrey Anderson : Your eyes, they're burning.
Celeste Talbert : I've got the flu.
Jeffrey Anderson : No, they're burning with passion.
Celeste Talbert : You're full of shit.
Jeffrey Anderson : Of course I'm full of shit but not about that.
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Celeste Talbert : Why are you here?
Jeffrey Anderson : This is my apartment. I live here. Why are YOU here?
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[Jeffrey is about to prepare the brain transplant]
Lori Craven : MOTHER!
[Celeste sits up]
Lori Craven : No, I can't let you do this!
Burton White : She spoke?
Jeffrey Anderson : She spoke!
Montana Moorehead : Sudden speech, the last stages of brain fever! She can blow up any moment!
Lori Craven : I can always speak! Mother...
Montana Moorehead : She's MY mother!
Celeste Talbert : MONTANA, SHUT UP!
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Jeffrey Anderson : I hope you're wearing underwear. Dare I ask?
Celeste Talbert : I'm lost. I'm not familiar with the neighborhood.
Jeffrey Anderson : Well you get a nice view of it from up here.
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Jeffrey Anderson : You sure that's why you're here?
Celeste Talbert : Get your hands off my-God you're so disgusting.
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Celeste Talbert : Why are you here?
Jeffrey Anderson : This is my apartment. I live here. Why are you here?
Celeste Talbert : I'll tell you why I'm here. Oh I'll tell you why I'm here. I'm here because...
Jeffrey Anderson : Go on, go on, say it!
Celeste Talbert : I...
Jeffrey Anderson : I want you Jeffrey. I'm consumed with jealousy for my niece because I want you for myself.
Celeste Talbert : Oh please.
Jeffrey Anderson : You still have feelings for me. Admit it.
Celeste Talbert : My feelings are about you, not for you. There's a very big difference.
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Celeste Talbert : I don't expect you to be nice to me. I don't expect you to forgive me. What I did was horrible!
Jeffrey Anderson : No-no. No. No. Dinner theatre is horrible. Doing hemorrhoid commercials is horrible. What you did... there are no words for!
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Celeste Talbert : Jeffrey! Help me please.
Jeffrey Anderson : You're kidding?
Celeste Talbert : Jeffrey, please?