[about Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers]

Jay Leno: She called Bush "the most brilliant man I ever met." This is a woman we're hiring for her *judgment*?

[on guest Quentin Tarantino]

Jay Leno: He's the kind of guy you don't know is drunk until you see him sober.

Jay Leno: [to Hugh Grant] What the hell were you thinking?

[Jay Leno tells a joke about Bush "outsourcing" the presidency]

Jay Leno: That seemed kinda mean, didn't it? Who is writing all these Bush jokes? Ellen, put on the camera in the cue card room.

[switches camera to John Edwards writing monologue cue cards]

Jay Leno: Who's writing in there?

John Edwards: Hey Jay - you do your job, and let me do mine.

Jay Leno: It was so cold in California today, Scott Peterson has said he's actually looking forward to going to Hell.

[on trip to China, guest Liam Neeson spent about $15 on some very cheap watches for his kids]

Jay Leno: You cheap bastard.

[about President Bush touring the South after Hurricane Katrina]

Jay Leno: He saw something below sea level. Yeah, his approval rating.

[about all the Hollywood remakes of "King Kong"]

Jay Leno: I think it's just a case of monkey see, monkey do.

Jay Leno: [Re: Various things like a jewel-encrusted Mr. Potato Head] This is why poor countries hate us!

Jay Leno: It's so cold in Washington, DC, it took 15 minutes to jump-start Dick Cheney's heart.

Dennis Miller: I like Dick Cheney, because he's perpetually pissed off.

[trying to fight off the "Ebonic Plague"]

Kevin Eubanks: Oh no! There be a hole in my suit!

[about embarrassing Presidential relatives]

Jay Leno: You know who the embarrassing brother in the Bush family is?

[Breaks out laughing]

Jay Leno: George!

[about the Kansas City Royals, who lost 17 games in row]

Jay Leno: It looks like President Bush wasn't the *only* one taking the entire month of August off.

Jay Leno: [reading an Ad on "Headlines"] Men, do you have vaginal dryness?

Jay Leno: [doing "Headlines"] "Organism" can be a tricky word to spell...

Jay Leno: [repeatedly, his frequent signature post-punch line] Exactly!

Jay Leno: [during "Headlines", imitating in southern accent ] Well, looook, here's some suuure fine winder cleaner!