Batman Returns (1992)
Michael Keaton: Batman, Bruce Wayne
Photos
Quotes
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[crouched atop a dazed Batman]
Catwoman : You're catnip to a girl like me. Handsome, dazed, and to die for.
Batman : Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
Catwoman : But a kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it. You're the second man who killed me this week, but I've got seven lives left.
Batman : I tried to save you.
Catwoman : Seems like every woman you try to save ends up dead... or deeply resentful. Maybe you should retire.
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Selina Kyle : A kiss under the mistletoe. You know, mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
Bruce Wayne : But a kiss can be even deadlier... if you mean it.
[silence as they realize each other's identities]
Selina Kyle : Oh, my God. Does this mean we have to start fighting?
Bruce Wayne : Let's go outside.
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Batman : What do you want?
The Penguin : Ah, the direct approach. I admire that in a man with a mask.
[laughs, then turns serious]
The Penguin : You don't really think you'll win, do you?
Batman : Things change.
[Catwoman backflips into the middle of the confrontation. They stare at her, momentarily nonplussed]
Catwoman : Meow.
[a store explodes, she slips off]
The Penguin : I saw her first... gotta fly!
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Selina Kyle : [Selina walks Bruce to the elevator] You don't seem like the type who does business with Mr. Shreck.
Bruce Wayne : No, you don't seem like the type that takes orders from him.
Selina Kyle : Well, that's a... long story.
Bruce Wayne : You know, I could... free up some time.
[Bruce walks in elevator]
Selina Kyle : I'm listed.
Bruce Wayne : I'm tempted.
Selina Kyle : I'm working.
Bruce Wayne : [Elevator doors close] I'm leaving!
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Bruce Wayne : Here's what I want you to do... tell Selina - tell Miss Kyle in there - tell her, uh, tell her I had to go out of town, a big business deal came up or some... no, you know what? Tell her, you know, not in some dumb, "be my girlfriend" kind of way...
Alfred : I will relay the message.
Bruce Wayne : Great.
[runs out]
Alfred : Miss Kyle...
Selina Kyle : Alfred, hi!
Alfred : Mr. Wayne told me to tell you...
Selina Kyle : Mr. Wayne? Oh, Bruce. Yes. Um, would you tell him for me that, uh, I've been going through a lot of changes, and... no. Um, just that this is not a rejection, my abruptly leaving. In fact, he makes me feel the way I hope I really am... no! Could you just make up a sonnet or something? A dirty limerick?
Alfred : One has just sprung to mind.
Selina Kyle : Thanks!
[runs out]
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Selina Kyle : It's gonna be a hot time on the cold town tonight.
Bruce Wayne : You-you've got kind of a - kind of a dark side, don't you?
Selina Kyle : No darker than yours, Bruce.
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Alfred : Let's not forget about repairing the Batmobile. There's certain security to consider. It's not as though we can take it to any old "Joe's bodyshop," is it, sir?
Bruce Wayne : Security? Who let Vicki Vale into the Batcave? I'm sitting there working and I turn around, there she is. "Oh hi, Vick - come on in."
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Bruce Wayne : The point is, Max, Gotham City has a power surplus. I'm sure you know that. My question is: what's your angle?
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : Power surplus? Bruce, shame on you. No such thing. One can never have too much power. If my life has a meaning, that's the meaning.
Bruce Wayne : Yeah, well... I'm gonna fight you on this. And I've already spoken to the mayor and we see eye to eye, so...
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : Mayors come and go. Blue bloods tire easy. You think you can go fifteen rounds with Muhammed Shreck?
Bruce Wayne : Well, I guess we're gonna find out. Course, I don't have a crime boss like Cobblepot in my corner, so it might...
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : Crime boss? Shows what you know, Mr. to-the-manor-born-with-a-silver-spoon. Oswald is Gotham's new golden boy. If his parents hadn't eighty-sixed him, you two might've been bunkies at prep school!
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[last lines]
Alfred : Well, come what may. Merry Christmas, Mister Wayne.
Bruce Wayne : Merry Christmas, Alfred. Good will toward men... and women.
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Bruce Wayne : [working on the Batcomputer. Alfred sets down a bowl of soup in front of him. He picks up the spoon and takes a sip, only to spit it out] Cold!
Alfred : It's vichyssoise.
Bruce Wayne : [stares, not knowing why it's important]
Alfred : It's *supposed* to be cold.
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The Penguin : You're just jealous, because I'm a genuine freak and you have to wear a mask!
Batman : You might be right.
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Bruce Wayne : [notices Selina's injuries] What happened?
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : Did you injure yourself on that ski slope? Is that why you cut short your vacation and came back?
Selina Kyle : You know, it's... a blur. I-I mean, not complete amnesia. I-I-I - I remember Sister Mary Margaret puking in church and Betsy Riley saying it was morning sickness and I remember the time I forgot to wear my underpants to school and the name of the boy who noticed was Ricky Friedberg.
[smile vanishes]
Selina Kyle : He's dead now. But last night: complete blur. Couldn't you just die?
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Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : I'd offer you a coffee, but my assistant is using her vacation time.
Bruce Wayne : Good time, too. Everyone but the bandits will be slacking off till after New Year, anyway.
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The Penguin : Touring the riot scene. Gravely assessing the devastation. Upstanding mayor stuff.
Batman : You're not the mayor.
The Penguin : Things change.
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Bruce Wayne : You know what, I mistook me for somebody else.
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Bruce Wayne : [reading news archives on the Red Triangle Circus] "Red Triangle Circus put on a swell show with fierce lions... circus returns with a Freak Show, may not be suitable for kids. Featuring a poodle lady, the world's fattest man... and an aquatic bird boy."
Alfred : Why are you so determined to prove this Penguin is not what he seems? Must you be the only lonely man-beast in town?
Bruce Wayne : [continues reading] "... circus folded its tents yesterday, perhaps forever after numerous reports of missing children. In several towns, police have closed down the Red Triangle's fairgrounds, however at least one freak show performer vanished before he could be questioned."
Alfred : I suppose you feel better now, sir.
Bruce Wayne : No, actually I feel worse.
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Bruce Wayne : Let me ask you something, Why'd you come tonight?
Selina Kyle : You first.
Bruce Wayne : To see you.
Selina Kyle : That's lovely, and I really wish I could say the same. But, I came for Max.
Bruce Wayne : What do you mean, you and... not you and Max?
Selina Kyle : [laughs maniacally] No. not me and Max...
[reaches down and pull a pistol out of her garter]
Selina Kyle : *this* and Max!
Bruce Wayne : [Frantically tries to cover the pistol]
Selina Kyle : Now *don't* give me a "Killing Max won't solve anything" speech, because it will. Aren't you tired of this sanctimonious robber baron always coming out on top, when he should be six feet under?
Bruce Wayne : Look, you may have problems with your boss, but who do you think you are?
Selina Kyle : [sighs, laughs] I don't know anymore, Bruce.
[laughs again. They kiss]
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Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : Ingenious costume. Let me guess. Trust fund goodie-goodie.
Bruce Wayne : Feeling good, huh? Well, you almost made a monster the mayor of Gotham City.
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : I am the light of this city... and I am its mean, twisted soul. Does it matter who's mayor?
Bruce Wayne : It does to me.
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : Yawn.
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Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : [Pulled out of the water by Catwoman] I don't know what you want, but I know I can get it for you, with a minimal fuss.
[She lashes her whip at him]
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : Money. Jewels. A very big ball of string.
[He tries to run away, but she captures him with her whip and pulls him back to her]
Catwoman : Your blood, Max.
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : My blood, I gave at the office.
Catwoman : A half-pint. I'm talking gallons.
[Batman comes in]
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : Let's make a deal. Now that I've got my blood, what I can do for you?
Catwoman : Sorry, Max. A die for a die.
[More exploding rockets and Batman comes flying into the scene]
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : [to Batman] You're not just saving a life, you're saving...
Batman : [pushes him away] Shut up. You're going to jail.
Catwoman : Don't be naive! The law doesn't apply to people like him or us!
Batman : Wrong on both counts. Why are you doing this? Let's just take him to the police... then, we can go home... together. Selina... don't you see? We're the same. We're the same... Split right down the center.
[He pulls off his mask, revealing his identity as Bruce Wayne]
Batman : Selina, please.
Catwoman : Bruce, I would, I would to live with you in your castle... forever, just like in a fairy tale.
[He tries to touch her shoulder, she retaliates and scratches his face]
Catwoman : I just couldn't live with myself! So, don't pretend this is a happy ending!
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : Selina. Selina Kyle!
[She takes of her mask, revealing her identity as Selina Kyle]
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : You're fired! And Bruce Wayne, why are you dressed up like Batman?
Catwoman : Because he is Batman, you moron!
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : Was.
[He shoots Bruce in the shoulder; Selina, ready to go after Max]
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : Don't!
Catwoman , Selina Kyle : You killed me, the Penguin killed me, Batman killed me. That's... three lives down! You got enough in there to finish me off?
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : One way to find out.
[Shoots her twice]
Catwoman , Selina Kyle : Four, Five. Still alive!
[Max shoots her two more times and she groans in pain]
Catwoman , Selina Kyle : Six, Seven. All good girls go to Heaven.
[Max points the gun to her stomach and pulls the trigger, only to find the gun is now empty. She laughs, weak]
Catwoman , Selina Kyle : Two lives left. I think I'll save one for next Christmas. But in the meantime...
[Pulls out a tazer]
Catwoman , Selina Kyle : How 'bout a kiss, Anti-Claus?
[Uses the tazer and an electrical wire to kill him, as the whole place's electrical wiring explodes. Suddenly, The Penguin coming up out of the water, weak and fatally injured; walks over to his umbrellas. Batman clears away the debris to find Max's fried corpse and Selina is nowhere to be found. Batman turns to the Penguin, reaches for an umbrella and takes it out]
The Penguin : Ugh! Shit!
[drops it, gagging]
The Penguin : I picked the cute one!
[gagging]
The Penguin : The heat's getting to me! Ugh! I'll murder you momentarily... But first, I need a cold drink of iced water!
[Gags, then fell and drops dead]
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Commissioner Gordon : Thanks for the saving the day, Batman. I'm afraid the circus gang is back.
Batman : We'll see.
-
[Bruce and Selina meet at Max's masked ball. Out of the entire crowd, neither are wearing costumes or masks]
Bruce Wayne : [Awkwardly] Hi
Selina Kyle : Hi
Bruce Wayne : Listen, I'm sorry about yesterday but I had... a pretty big deal... come... through... fall through, actually.
Selina Kyle : It's okay, I had to go home and... uh... feed my cats.
[They dance]
Bruce Wayne : So, uh... no hard feelings then...
Selina Kyle : Actually... semi-hard, I'd say.
[pulls him close, whispering]
Selina Kyle : There's a big comfy California King over in bedding
[seductively]
Selina Kyle : whadd'ya say?
Bruce Wayne : We take off our costumes?
Selina Kyle : I guess I'm tired of wearing masks.
Bruce Wayne : Me too.
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Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : Selina. This is Bruce... Wayne.
Bruce Wayne : Yeah, we've met.
Selina Kyle : Have we?
Bruce Wayne : Oh, I'm sorry. You know what, I mistook me for someone else. Sorry.
Selina Kyle : You mean mistook me.
Bruce Wayne : I mistook me, yeah, yeah isn't that what I said?
Selina Kyle : No I don't think so.
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Batman : [spots the Ice Princess in a building and gets to the building; approaches the Ice Princess and removes her gag] Gotta hurry.
Ice Princess : Thank you.
Batman : It was set up to look like I did this.
Ice Princess : No sweat. I'll just tell the police that I was kidnapped by an ugly birdman with fish breath.
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Batman : [removes the gag from the Ice Princess] Gotta hurry.
Ice Princess : Thank you.
Batman : [as he unties her] It was a set up that look like I did this.
Ice Princess : No sweat. I'll just tell the police I was kidnapped by an ugly birdman with fish breath.
