Madeline Ashton: Wrinkled, wrinkled little star... hope they never see the scars.
[Helen has a gaping hole in her abdomen]
Madeline Ashton: You're a fraud, Helen! You're a walking lie and I can see right... THROUGH YOU!
[watch through the hole while laughing]
Lisle Von Rhuman: This is life's ultimate cruelty. It offers us a taste of youth and vitality, and then it makes us witness our own decay.
Madeleine: Could you just not breathe?
Ernest Menville: 'Til death do us part! Well, you girls are dead. And I'm parting.
Madeline Ashton: Ernest... my ass! I can see MY ASS!
[Helen and Madeleine shatter into pieces after falling down stairs]
Helen: Do you remember where you parked the car?
Emergency Room Doctor: I tell you what, kids, it's, uh, odd thing here. Your wrist, uh, far as I can tell, is, uh, fractured in three places. Uh, and you've shattered, uh, two vertebrae, though I can't be certain without an X-ray... The bone protrusion through the skin - that's not a good sign. You're body temperature is below 80, and your, your, your heart's stopped beating.
Ernest Menville: What the hell does that mean?
Emergency Room Doctor: Exactly! What... what... I'm going to get a second opinion.
[the doctor leaves in a hurry]
Madeline Ashton: Well, it could be worse.
[Helen pours alcohol all over Madeline's car and then dumps the bottles inside, revealing dozens of bottles and alcohol everywhere]
Helen: We'll make it look like she's had just a little bit too much to drink...
[Helen has a gaping hole in her abdomen after being shot into a pool]
Helen: Look at me, Ernest! Just look at me! I'm soaking wet!
[about his wife]
Ernest: Is it up yet?
Madeleine: You're dressed. Special occasion?
Madeleine: Look at you. You have a... waist.
Lisle: Drink that potion, and you'll never grow even one day older. Don't drink it, and continue to watch yourself rot.
Helen: She was a homebreaker. She was a man-eater. And she was a *bad* actress.
Ernest Menville: [at Helen's book party] Have you seen her yet?
Madeline: What a joke. She's not even here.
Ernest Menville: Wait. Look over there.
Madeline: [a heavy-set woman stands surrounded by people] Oh! Looks as though she's lost a few pou-
[the heavy set lady moves out of the way to reveal the incredibly thin Helen Sharp]
[after seeing her transformation]
Madeline Ashton: I'm a girl!
[Lisle scolds one of her "boys"]
Lisle Von Rhoman: Make some room for my friend, for Chrissake. But... keep your ass handy.
Helen Sharp: On guard, BITCH!
Helen: She married a brilliant surgeon, and turned him into an undertaker.
Helen: I will not speak to you 'til you put your head on straight.
Helen Sharp: By the time they perform the autopsy, the narconal will be completely dissolved leaving only traces of alcohol. She'll be classified as just "another drunk-driver". They'll check her blood alcohol.
Coroner: [Coroner picks up charred hand with bottle] .40... She had it coming.
[Drops hand, bottle brakes]
Helen Sharp: And think nothing more of it.
Helen Sharp: The case is closed, Madeline is dead, and we're free!
Madeline: [From trailer] Dead? Ernest is dead? Everybody's dead!
Anna: How about a nice colagen buff?
Madeline Ashton: "A colagen buff"? You might as well ask me to wash with soap and water!
Anna: I could do your make-up myself...
Madeline Ashton: Make-up is POINTLESS! It does nothing anymore! Are you even listening to me? Do you even care? You stand there with your 22-year- old skin and your tits like ROCKS and laugh at me...
Lisle Von Rhuman: Go on... Drink it... It is the completion of your life's work. You gave other people youth and wasted your own! Drink. And you will be able to work again forever! Drink... drink, Dr. Menville. You owe yourself another chance! Drink! It's the right choice! The *only* choice! Drink! SEMPRE VIVE! LIVE FOREVER!
Ernest Menville: Then what?
Lisle Von Rhuman: What?
Ernest Menville: Then what happens?
Lisle Von Rhuman: What?
Ernest Menville: I don't want to live forever. I mean, it sounds good, but what am I gonna do? What if I get bored?
Lisle Von Rhuman: What?
Ernest Menville: And what if I get lonely? Who am I gonna hang around with, Madeleine and Helen?
Lisle: He won't get far. Not at his age.
Ernest: Is this an angel I see before me?
Lisle: We are creatures of the spring, you and I.
Ernest: You're sitting there, you're talking to me, but you're dead!
Helen: You have no talent for poverty.
Madeleine: Do you know that they do to soft, bald, overweight Republicans in prison, Ernest?
Lisle: You are like Don Quixote, tilting at Nature's windmills.
Ernest: Well, from now on, I'm going to be the kind of idiot I want to be!
Lisle Von Rhoman: Go on... Drink it... It is the completion of your life's work. You gave other people youth, and wasted your own! Drink. And you will be able to work again- forever! Drink... Drink, Dr. Menville... You owe yourself another chance! Drink! It's the right choice! The *only* choice! Drink! SEMPRE VIVE! LIVE FOREVER!
[Crash of thunder and lightning]
Lisle Von Rhuman: [Emerges from her pool wearing only high heels] I hope you don't mind that Harry and Dick had to dress you... You were inproperly attired, for the occasion.
Ernest Menville: What occasion?
Lisle Von Rhuman: I'm throwing a party upstairs... I throw one every Spring, for my clients.
Ernest Menville: All right... ok... what do you want with me?
Lisle Von Rhuman: For you... I'd like to give a present... The gift of life and youth, forever...
Madeline Ashton: Ernest! You pushed me down the stairs.
Madeline Ashton: [after she discovers Dakota has a girl over] Who is the little piece of meat?
Vivian Adams: I never had a chance to thank you for the spectacular job you did with my Aunt Esther.
Ernest Menville: Oh, well, thank you very much.
Vivian Adams: Her color, her tone. You even brought out her cheekbones.
Ernest Menville: Well, that's my job.
Vivian Adams: It was almost a shame to bury her.
Ernest Menville: It's so sweet of you to say that.
Vivian Adams: Can I ask you what your secret is?
Ernest Menville: Spray paint. You see, you can't just use regular makeup on dead skin. The pores are too dry. You've gotta use a palette and grind the stuff in. One day I'm in the hardware store and I think to myself, "What about mannequin paint?"It's got its own chemical adhesive, comes in an incredible variety of flesh...
Vivian Adams: [aghast] Excuse me!
Helen: I want you to know something. I have never blamed you for leaving me. I always knew it was her. She's a woman. A woman, Ernest. From Newark, for God's sake.
Ernest Menville: Do you know what they call someone who sticks by their word no matter what? At the cost of all else? Do you know?
Ernest Menville: An idiot. From now on I'm gonna be the kind of idiot *I* wanna be. An idiot with a modicum of pride, because you know what? I finally realized something. I've lived up to my promise. Till death do us part. Well, you girls are dead. And I'm parting. Cheers.
[Madeline Ashton is requesting another plasma separation]
Madeline Ashton: Are you listening to me? Do you even care? You just stand there with your 22-year-old skin and your tits like rocks and laugh, and...
[after being shot into a pond, by Madeline]
Helen: That was totally uncalled for.
[Rose is serving breakfast in bed to Madeline Ashton]
Rose: Good morning, madam. You look absolutely marvelous.
Madeline Ashton: Hey, wait a minute. Aren't you forgetting something?
Rose: Well, it's only Thursday - you told me just to say it...
Madeline Ashton: Well, never mind that. I think I need you to say it every morning.
Rose: Very well. "Oh, madam! You look younger every day!"
Madeline Ashton: Thank you, Rose. Thank you very much.
Madeleine: Tell me, doctor. Do you think I'm starting to need you?
Helen: You can't raise an eyebrow without major surgery!
Lisle Von Rhuman: [Lisle is about to give Madeline a potion that grants eternal youth and beauty] But you must make me a promise. The secret that we share must never become public. You may continue your career for ten years. Ten years of perfect, unchanged beauty. But at the end of that time, before people start to become suspicious, you have to disappear from public view forever. You can retire, you can stage your own phony death, or... as one of my clients simply said, I want to be alone.
Madeline Ashton: No. She...
Lisle Von Rhuman: [Lisle nods]
Opening Man: [leaving the theatre in the rain] Can you believe that? A musical version of "Sweet Bird of Youth."Who are they kidding?
Opening Woman: Thank God you wanted to leave...
Second Woman: Can you believe Madeline Ashton? Talk about waking the dead.
Second Man: I gotta get a drink...
[zoom in on discarded playbill featuring Madeline Ashton]
Madeline Ashton: You know what this is? This is simply a question of, uh, maintenance! Yeah, this is upkeep. We just have to be very careful with ourselves. We have to take care of each other. I'll paint your ass; you paint mine.
Madeline Ashton: Has that ever worked? When you ask me where I last saw something?
Madeline Ashton: When?
Helen: When you lost your index finger.
Madeline Ashton: I didn't lose it, it broke off.
Helen: That's because you cracked your knuckles all the time...
[slipping on the can of spray paint they both crash down the steps]
Helen: Help me!
Madeline Ashton: [now in pieces] Do you remember where you parked the car?
Ernest Menville: [yells when he finds Helen in the house, when he has been upstairs preserving and painting Madeline]
Helen: [drops shovel] Where is she!
Ernest Menville: [nervously] Oh my gosh - Helen! What are you doing here?
Helen: [suspicious] What's that on your hands - blood?
Ernest Menville: Paint.
Helen: Paint? What would you be doing that you have paint on your hands?
Ernest Menville: Painting.
Helen: Ernest - are you doing something funny with Madeline?
Ernest Menville: Define "funny".
Lisle Von Rhuman: [the potion of eternal life] A touch of magic in a world obsessed with science.
Helen: Now, listen to me, Ernest. I thought this thing through carefully and I know it's the only way. Tonight, while she's asleep, you'll sneak downstairs, quietly, go to the study, and take one of each kind of wine glass from the shelf. Then, you'll take this narcanal and lightly coat each glass. As you know, narcanal is a very powerful alcohol-based tranquilizer, so you won't need much. Tomorrow, I'll call Madeline to say goodbye. I'll try to get her to invite me to dinner.
Madeline: *In fantasy sequence* Fine, why don't you just come to dinner?
Helen: Then, at dinner, we propose a toast. No matter which glass she drinks from, the narcanal will be on the glass. Then, you and I work together quickly. First, we finish dinner. Then, we load her in the car, take her to the top of Mulholland Drive, call the police and report that we've seen a drunk woman swerving dangerously close to the edge.
Ernest: *In fantasy sequence* There's some drunk woman up here on Mulholland, swerving dangerously close to the edge.
Helen: We'll sit her up in the driver's seat and make it look like she's had just a little bit too much too drink. We drop the car into gear, wedge her foot down on the accelerator, clamp her hands on the steering wheel and send her on her way. By the time they perform the autopsy, the narcanal will be completely dissolved, leaving only traces of alcohol. She'll be classified as just...
Fantasy Doctor #1: *In Helen's voice during fantasy sequence*... another drunk driver.
Helen: They'll check her blood-alcohol.
Fantasy Doctor #2: .4-0. She had it coming.
Helen: And think nothing more of it. The case is closed, Madeline is dead and we're free.
Lisle Von Rhuman: So warm, so full of life. This is life's ultimate cruelty. It offers us the taste of youth and vitality. And then, it makes us witness our own decay.
Madeleine: Well, it is the natural law.
Lisle Von Rhuman: Oh, screw the natural law!
Lisle Von Rhuman: *She opens a box to reveal a vile containing a potion*
Madeleine: What is that?
Lisle Von Rhuman: What you came for, a touch of magic in this world obsessed with science. A tonic, a potion.
Madeleine: What does it do?
Lisle Von Rhuman: How old would you guess I am?
Madeleine: *Scoffs* I wouldn't.
Lisle Von Rhuman: Come on, don't try to flatter me.
Madeleine: 38. Oh, 28. 3... 23.
Lisle Von Rhuman: I am 71 years old! That's what it does. It stops the aging process dead in its tracks and forces it into retreat. Drink that potion and you'll never grow even one day older. Don't drink it, then continue to watch yourself rot.
Madeleine: How much is it?
Lisle Von Rhuman: The sorted topic of coin, I'm afraid, is not so simple. The cost, you see, it's different for everyone.
Madeleine: Well, for me, how much?
Lisle Von Rhuman: *She does the arithmetic on a notepad, while Madeline tries to peak; she holds up the paper, showing the price*
Madeleine: *Laughs* Well, thank you very much. I think I should be going.
Lisle Von Rhuman: SIT!
Madeleine: *She sits*
Lisle Von Rhuman: Hold out your hand. *She stabs Madeline's left index finger with a dagger*
Madeleine: OWWWW! WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS?
Lisle Von Rhuman: Watch. *She dips the tip of the dagger into the potion, then drips the small drop into Madeline's wound, which takes the age of Madeline's left hand*
Madeleine: *Madeline compares her left hand to her right* Check okay?
Lisle Von Rhuman: Fine. But you must make me a promise. The secret that we share must never become public. You may continue your career for 10 years, 10 years of perfect unchanged beauty. But at the end of that time, before people become suspicious, you have to disappear from public view forever. You can retire. You can stage your own phony death or... as one of my clients simply said, "I want to be alone".
Madeleine: No! She's not! Wow!
Madeleine: *She hands Lisle the check, picks up the vile, looks at her hand, smiling* Bottoms up.
Madeleine: *She drinks the potion*
Lisle Von Rhuman: Now a warning.
Madeleine: Now a warning!
Lisle Von Rhuman: Take care of yourself. You and your body are going to be together a long time, be good to it. Simpre vive: Live forever.
Rose: [Rose walks all the upstairs and into Madeline's bedroom, carrying a tray of Madeline's breakfast and a Book Party invitation, as Madeline is still asleep] Good Morning, madam. You look absolutely marvelous.
[Opening the curtains, waking Madeline]
Madeline Ashton: Wait. Aren't you forgetting something?
Rose: But it's only Thursday. You told me I'm supposed-...
Madeline Ashton: Never mind. I think I need to you say it every morning from now on.
Rose: Very well. Oh, madam, you look younger everyday.
Madeline Ashton: Thank you, Rose. Thank you so much, how sweet of you say.
[Grabbing the envelope]
Madeline Ashton: What is this?
Rose: Those are your invitations to Miss Helen Sharp's book party tonight. They just came.
Madeline Ashton: [Whispering, while opening the envelope] Helen Sharp.
[She opens the envelope and reads the title of Helen's book]
Madeline Ashton: "Forever Young"?
Rose: I like that title.
Madeline Ashton: [laughs histerically] "Forever Young and Eternally Fat". Oh, clever little witch, she sent seating assignments.
[Puts the invitations down]
Madeline Ashton: You know kind of find it hard to believe that he actually got up early and made his side of the bed.
Rose: Oh, no, madam.
Madeline Ashton: So, where'd he sleep?
Rose: [She points her index finger upwards]
Madeline Ashton: Again?