Thomas Jefferson Johnson: Chairman Dodge, please! Would you tell him that it's Mr. Joshua Benjamin from the NAACP on the line! Actually Mame, you could be a great deal of help, I have a few minor questions. I would like to know how many members of the Chairman's committee are African American?... None... Well, surely, there must be a Latino member on the committee... No Latinos either... Ah! Does ah! the Chairman have any Asians or Native Americans on the Committee? No Asians and no Natives. Does the Chairman have any Handicaps or Gays on the Committee? No Gays. Well, thank you mame, you've been a great deal of help. Just forget I even called. Just tell him I said 'hi'.

Olaf Andersen: Now the question is, can we get the shit back into the horse?

Thomas Jefferson Johnson: Don't you love this Chairman? He's brought dignity back to the name Dick. No longer is it Tricky! Come on... Dick is Good! Dick is Good!

Thomas Jefferson Johnson: Hey, yo, Van Dyke!

Van Dyke: Yeah?

Thomas Jefferson Johnson: Y'all remember Willie Sutton?

Van Dyke: My hero.

Thomas Jefferson Johnson: What did he say when they asked him why he robbed banks?

Van Dyke: 'Cause that's where the money is.

Thomas Jefferson Johnson: HEY, hey, hey, hey, HEY, hey, hey!

Thomas Jefferson Johnson: We're not going to show you Jeff Johnson waving a flag. We're not going to show you Jeff Johnson kissing babies. We're not going to show you Jeff Johnson doing anything because you already know what Jeff Johnson can do. Tomorrow, vote Jeff Johnson. The name you know.

Thomas Jefferson Johnson: Well I've got to do something to help these people.

Celia Kirby: Don't tell me you're actually developing a conscience.

Thomas Jefferson Johnson: God I hope not, it's gonna be a fuckin' nuisance in Congress.

Thomas Jefferson Johnson: Oh, well, I'm very flattered, Mr Chairman.

Dick Dodge: Dick.

Thomas Jefferson Johnson: Well, I'm very flattered, Mr Dick.

Dick Dodge: No, no, no, no.

Thomas Jefferson Johnson: Oh, I'm sorry, Chairman Dick.

Dick Dodge: No, Dick. Just Dick.

Thomas Jefferson Johnson: Oh, Just Dick. Just Plain Old Dick.

Dick Dodge: Yeah.

Thomas Jefferson Johnson: Oh, fine.

Thomas Jefferson Johnson: Terry, tell me something. With all this money coming in from both sides, how does anything ever get done?

Terry Corrigan: It doesn't. That's the genius of the system.

Elijah Hawkins: Come on, Thomas! You're Dick Dodge's yes-man.

Thomas Jefferson Johnson: I am not a yes-man. When Dick says no, I say no.

[pretending to be Zeke Bridges]

Thomas Jefferson Johnson: I'm madder than a Baptist in a brothel, you som-bitch!

Thomas Jefferson Johnson: I tell ya, I'm bout as crazy as a dog in a hubcap factory.

[trying to bribe Congressman Dodge]

Olaf Andersen: This could mean six figures, Dick.

[Dick Dodge raises his eyebrows]

Olaf Andersen: [smiling] HIGH six figures.

[Dodge raises his eyebrows twice]

Olaf Andersen: [frowning] SEVEN figures?

[blackmailing Congressman Dodge]

Thomas Jefferson Johnson: I want you to resign. You can tell people it's for health reasons. Most of us will believe that, cuz we've seen you in the steam room.

Dick Dodge: [to Thomas Johnson] And you! You better be very, very quiet in there, my friend. I've got the goods on you, and it would be my pleasure to leave tire marks all over you.

Thomas Jefferson Johnson: Ask you to vote for Jeff Johnson. Good old Jeff. The name that you can trust. The name that you know. Jeff Johnson.

Thomas Jefferson Johnson: [to Celia Kirby] This is your uncle?

Elijah Hawkins: Yes, my niece tells me you're not HALF as slimy as I thought. That puts you somewhere between a lizard and a toad. Ha ha. Quite a step up, huh?

Thomas Jefferson Johnson: Thank you very much. Forgive me for staring. I don't know how I missed the family resemblance. She's you in a skirt.