Tutti Bomowski: [pointing the gun at her son] Go ahead! Make your bed.

Tutti Bomowski: His ass was the grass and I was the lawnmower.

Joe Brofmowski: Stop or my mom will shoot!

Tutti Bomowski: [singing softly and contentedly as she sloshes and scrubs Joe's prized .45 in the dishpan] This is the way we wash our gun... wash our gun... wash our gun...

Tutti Bomowski: Stop! Stop that man, Joe. Stop that man!

[Joe tackles the man]

Tutti Bomowski: Joe, now I remember what he did?

Joe Brofmowski: What did he do?

Tutti Bomowski: He shot his mother.

Tutti Bomowski: [to the flight attendants] It was so cute, when he was 6 years old he walked into the kitchen and said "Mommy! My peepee's stuck in my zipper!"

Joe Brofmowski: Mom, I don't like eggs.

Tutti Bomowski: If you don't eat them now, they'll be waiting here for you at dinner.

Joe Brofmowski: Why didn't you answer when I called?

Tutti Bomowski: That was you? You never called.

Joe Brofmowski: That was me, why didn't you pick up the phone?

Tutti Bomowski: Every year when I'm about to come out to visit, you call and say it's not a good time, so I decided not to answer the phone this time in case you called.

Joe Brofmowski: Mom, what're you doing here?

Tutti Bomowski: I've got to change you.

Joe Brofmowski: [looks down and realizes he's wearing a diaper] Mommy! I don't want to be changed.

Tutti Bomowski: [holding up diapers and baby powder] I've got to change you.

Ross: [to Joe] . Is there anything else you or your *mother* would like to tell me?

Tutti Bomowski: Yes, Detective, there is. Both my son and I think you're an asshole!

Joe Brofmowski: You mean when I was nibbling on your ear...

Gwen Harper: No, the feelings stuff.

Tutti Bomowski: And here we can see the beginnings of good equipment.

Tutti Bomowski: [haggling over automatic machine gun] Do you want to stand out here all week dreaming of a thousand dollars?

Tutti Bomowski: I wanted it to be a surprise!

Joe Brofmowski: It is!

Tutti: For now you can keep your pants on, Mister Parnell. But just remember one thing: I'll be back!