31 January 2005 | CelluloidRehab
Chinese Fearless Vampire Hunters Or Pardon Me But You Have No Teeth To Bite Me and Wasabi Breath
The story revolves around a Tai Chi master (Lam) and his two pupils, Chiu and Man. Their adventures include everything from fighting vampires to eating sushi with a General (who sharpens his nails daily and has been bitten by a vampire). There are also several subplots. One involves the wife of the General (she's the one who's giving birth to the Hell Baby) and the evil midwife. Also twisted somewhere in there is the love story (mostly one way) of Lam and Birdie (the female exorcist).
It seems that Chinese vampires are not undead, but rather spirits who have no rest in the afterlife. There are other differences from the European vampire. Chinese vampires seem to hop around a lot and generally act like zombies from Night of the Living Dead (slow, uncoordinated and grunt frequently). They also have poor eyesight, as they can only detect non-vampires through smell and hearing. In a funny scene, it would seem that vampire society has fang-size status (the bigger the fang, the higher the vampire is in the echelon). By the way, an easy method to immobilize a Chinese vampire is to remove his/her fangs.
Somewhere in the midst of this is the idea of the Hell Babies (it looks like Fester Adams - a varicose veined, bald albino). Those are the spirits of the aborted children, whom after numerous abortions become evil. It seems that one of them has gotten out of the "exorcists" protective custody and wants to be born into the world. There is a crazy scene at the beginning where Chiu and Man trick the spirits of the children to do their work for them, in return for eggs. When the two do not keep their end of the bargain, the children materialize and begin to torment the two. This would include one child spirit pissing into the face of Man and another child pulling extremely hard on Chiu's penis (OUCH).
Where Fearless Vampire Killers changes the mood between the serious and the comical quite frequently, this movie resides in the absurdly comical (a lot of physical comedy). The battle with the General's vampire father is quite an example of this. After eating with the General (Lam chugs a large lump of wasabi) they go to the crypt. There they wait until dark, when vampires come out. In the midst of the battle, Kam, Man and Chiu get an attack of diarrhea. The whole battle is a juxtapose of going to the bathroom in an urn behind a table top and pushing away the uncoordinated vampire.
This movie should not be taken seriously and does not take itself seriously. The humor at times is more absurd than comical (might be a cultural thing). I think some amount of intoxication is required for the viewing of this movie.