17 March 2004 | DontTreadOnMe_BS
Most Painful Movie Ever Made
Nukie is widely regarded as the worst/most painful movie ever made. No one who has seen it denies this assertion. It tops even the infamous Manos: the Hands of Fate. As a result, it has a bit of a cult following, the way Kali, the Hindu goddess of death has a bit of a cult following.
The astounding thing about Nukie is its ability to cram so much stupidity into so little time. You find yourself watching a scene, realizing that every line and every action is utterly without merit, wishing the scene would just END--then it does, and a new scene begins, equally stupid, and you realize that the last scene's eternity was really only about 30 seconds long, and this movie is about 90 minutes. That's when you look for pointy objects to thrust violently into sensitive body parts as a distraction.
The other thing about Nukie, the one that leaves me in awe, is its ability to top itself in brain-killing idiocy. The movie crushes Barney's foolishness 30 seconds in, stomps Teletubbies in minutes, and after that, it's home free in the race for cerebral vacuum creation. Despite this, every 15 minutes--or less--a scene comes along which makes your jaw drop as it rockets the movie to a new depth of idiocy. Just when you think the movie has reached its nadir, a character begins dancing, or one of the aliens demonstrates a new power, or the computer learns a new lesson about feelings, and your brain tries to escape the pain by squeezing out of your skull through the pores in the bone.
It's a truly unique experience.