Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993)

Mel Brooks: Rabbi Tuckman

Photos 

Quotes 

• Rabbi Tuckman : Excuse me, King. Why, if you like this guy so much, do you object to his marrying Maid Marian?

  King Richard : I have no objection, but I have not yet kissed the bride. It is a custom, and my royal right.

  [hands the rabbi his sword] 

  King Richard : Hold this, Father.

  Rabbi Tuckman : Rabbi.

  King Richard : Whatever.

  [tilts Maid Marian and gives her a very long kiss] 

  Rabbi Tuckman : [impressed]  It's good to be the king.

  King Richard : Now...

  [voice squeaking] 

  King Richard : *you* may marry them!

  Rabbi Tuckman : Thank you. Here's your knife.

  King Richard : Sword.

  Rabbi Tuckman : Whatever.

• Robin Hood : You are entering the territory of Robin Hood and his Merry Men.

  Rabbi Tuckman : Faygeles?

  [clears their throats, trying to act macho] 

  Robin Hood : No, no. We're straight. Just... merry.

  Rabbi Tuckman : As I. And who are you, with the exceptionally long feather in your hat?

  Robin Hood : I am Robin of Loxley.

  Rabbi Tuckman : Robin of Loxley? I've just come from Maid Marian, the woman whose heart you've stolen, you prince of thieves, you! I knew her parents before they were taken in the plague, Lord and Lady Bahgel. You know, you two were made for each other. I mean, what a combination. Loxley and Bahgel! It can't miss!

• Rabbi Tuckman : I am Rabbi Tuckman, purveyor of sacramental wine and moyel extraordinaire.

  Merry Men : 'ello Rabbi!

  Rabbi Tuckman : Hello boys!

  Robin Hood : A moyel. I don't believe I've ever heard of that profession.

  Rabbi Tuckman : A moyel is a very important guy. He makes circumcisions.

  Scarlet : What, pray tell, sir, is a circumcision?

  Rabbi Tuckman : It's the latest craze. The ladies love it!

  Little John : I'll take one!

  Ahchoo : Hey, put me down for two!

  Robin Hood : I'm game. How's it done?

  Rabbi Tuckman : It's a snap.

  [demonstrates with a carrot and a miniature guillotine] 

  Rabbi Tuckman : I take my machine here, I take your little thing, I put it through this hole, and then...

  [releases the blade, cutting the end off the carrot] 

  Rabbi Tuckman : I nip the tip! Who's first?

  [groans from the Merry Men] 

  Little John : I changed me mind!

  Ahchoo : I forgot, I already got one.

  Blinkin : [puts his hand in the air]  Question...

  [Ahchoo pulls his arm down silencing him] 

  Rabbi Tuckman : I gotta start working with a younger crowd.

• Rabbi Tuckman : [performing the marriage]  Robin, do you?

  Robin Hood : I do.

  Rabbi Tuckman : Marian, do you?

  Maid Marian : I do.

  Rabbi Tuckman : I now pronounce you man and...

  King Richard : I object!

  Rabbi Tuckman : Who asked?

• Robin Hood : Rabbi, you seem to be on the side of good. Will you come and share with us some of your wisdom, some of your council, and perhaps... some of your wine?

  [Merry Men snicker] 

  Rabbi Tuckman : Wisdom and council, that's easy. But this is sacrimental wine! It's only used to bless things.

  Merry Men : Awwwww...

  Rabbi Tuckman : [pauses]  Wait a minute! There's things here! There's rocks, there's trees, there's birds, there's squirrels. Come on, we'll bless them all until we get vashnigyered

  [drunk] 

  Rabbi Tuckman : Join me!

  Robin Hood : Let's hear it for the Rabbi!

  Merry Men : [Cheer] 

• Robin Hood : Hey, Rabbi!

  Rabbi Tuckman : [sticks his head out of his tent]  Who calls?

  Robin Hood : It is I, Robin! We wish to get married in a hurry!

  Rabbi Tuckman : Married in a hurry? That's wonderful! Wait, I'm on my last customer. I'll be right out.

  [goes back inside his tent, then something being chopped off is heard, followed by a man screaming. The rabbi comes back out] 

  Rabbi Tuckman : Put a little ice on it. It'll be fine.

  [walking to Robin] 

  Rabbi Tuckman : Married in a hurry, married in a hurry! Please invite me to the bris.

• Rabbi Tuckman : I've just come from Maid Marian! The lady whose heart you stole, you Prince of Thieves, you! I knew her mother and father before they were taken in the plague. Lord and Lady Bagelle. You know you were meant for each other. You and Maid Marian. What a combination! Locksley and Bagelle! You can't miss!