Dr. Kerry Weaver: [leaving Luka a message] Luka, this is Kerry Weaver. I'm down two attendings and up 40 patients. If you don't get in here and start working your scheduled shifts, I'm gonna call the INS, tell 'em your greencard's a fake, and have your ass deported
Dr. Mark Greene: Hey Jerry, don't we have a 'Lost and now is ours' box?
Nurse Haleh Adams: I've been doin' this job for 17 years, honey. Doctors come and go, but nurses make this place run. We don't get much credit or pay. We see a lot of misery, a lot of dyin', but we come back every day. I've given up bein' appreciated, but I sure as hell won't let any of us be taken for granted.
Dr. Robert Romano: I'm beginning to think that "ER" stands for "everyone's retarded".
Abby Lockhart: These are the desk clerks, Jerry and Frank, please don't feed them.
Patient: It's all ending today! Today is the last day!
Dr. John Carter: Oh, great, I have to work. I'm always working when the world ends.
Abby Lockhart: I have the results from your blood exams. They show that you have leukemia.
Patient: [Takes a deep breath and resumes talking] Thank God! I thought you were going to say I have cancer!
Dr. Doug Ross: Weaver and the sound of her own voice: A love story.
Dr. John Carter: [Instructing his med student] Grab that penis and show it who's boss.
Dr. Susan Lewis: [Greene and Lewis discussing the hospital gossip about them] Mmm, yeah, and what is that, can I ask you? My car's in the shop, I drop Susie off at my parents, meet up with you to go tequila shopping, and all of a sudden we're having a torrid affair?
Dr. Mark Greene: Who said it was torrid?
Dr. Susan Lewis: No one, I'm just assuming it would be.
[Greene looks at her]
Dr. Susan Lewis: That's not what I meant.
Dr. Mark Greene: That's OK, I know what you meant... I'm sure it would be too... Why wouldn't it be?
Dr. Susan Lewis: ...No reason at all.
[she stares at Greene and then at her margarita]
Dr. Susan Lewis: There's not enough lime in this.
Abby Lockhart: [admiring Luka's dinner preparations] Have you been watching Martha Stewart again?
Dr. Susan Lewis: All he did was talk about his ex for 45 minutes, who also happened to be named Susan. How much he loved her, how much he wanted to marry her, how much he wanted to have 5 or 6 children with her... Do I want children?... Do I want 5 or 6 children?
Dr. Mark Greene: Okay, Tad could be worse.
Dr. Susan Lewis: I'm not even there yet, Mark. I look over, and he has this drop of red wine hanging from his nose.
Dr. Mark Greene: What?
Dr. Susan Lewis: You heard me, this puny little blob just hanging there. So of course I couldn't take my eyes off of it. Is it gonna fall? is it gonna hang there all night? Is his skin gonna absorb it?
Dr. Mark Greene: How did it get there?
Dr. Susan Lewis: Mark!
Dr. Mark Greene: No really, how do you get your nose that far into a wine glass? Was he smelling it or...
Dr. Susan Lewis: [laughing] Mark, please!
Dr. Mark Greene: What happened?
Dr. Susan Lewis: I went to the bathroom and snuck out the window.
Dr. Mark Greene: You're kidding.
Dr. Susan Lewis: Nope.
Dr. Mark Greene: Wow.
Dr. John Carter: You look tired.
Abby Lockhart: Really?
Dr. John Carter: Come to think of it, Frank looks tired, too.
Abby Lockhart: Yeah, that's because I spent the night slapping his ass until 3:00 a.m.
Dr. John Carter: Really?
Abby Lockhart: Well, have you seen him getting down today?
Dr. John Carter: Let's see. Frank! Have you gotten down today?
Dr. John Carter: Never mind.
Dr. John Carter: I got stabbed! I got stabbed in the back! Where the hell where you? You were the same place you've been my entire life, you were someplace else!
Female patient: If men needed abortions, there would be drive-thru windows with beer on tap and ESPN on the TVs.
Dr. Mark Greene: [to the bickering Chen and Malucci] You know why we only had one kid? So I wouldn't have to deal with the two of them fighting in the backseat.
Dr. Susan Lewis: Okay, I'm gonna go to Doc Magoo's, get some breakfast, find a toothbrush, change my underwear, and then I'll clear your board.
Benton's Mother: Your talent is God's gift to you. What you do with it is your gift back to God.
Dr. Robert Romano: Ladies, if I wanted to see a good cat fight I'd watch The View
Dr. Susan Lewis: I always knew you loved your children, but I never realized how much you fell in love with them. Little Susie was like a story book, every smile a new page to be poured over, touched, remembered... I loved my storybook. For the first time in a long time, I didn't feel so alone.
Stanley: Larry took a bunch of pills, drank a bottle of gin, slit his wrists, and jumped into Lake Michigan.
Patient: Larry really wanted to die.
Abby Lockhart: Oh man, I uh...
Patient: Don't worry dear, you're really very good at this.
Patient: Yeah, everybody loves your sessions.
Stanley: Everybody except Larry.
Abby Lockhart: In what possible universe would I say "Let's polka?"
Dr. Elizabeth Corday: You might consider boarding school. She could use some structure
Dr. Mark Greene: I could sell her off to pirates.
Dr. Elizabeth Corday: You develop a sense of self worth, community, respect... it worked well for me.
Dr. Mark Greene: Yeah, but...
Dr. Elizabeth Corday: But what?
Dr. Mark Greene: You're British.
Dr. Luka Kovac: Our job is to save lives not to judge them.
Dr. Doug Ross: I'm a doctor and nothing gets in the way of that. Nothing.
Dr. Kerry Weaver: The food was terrible, the music stinks, the drinks were watered down, but you sure know how to throw a party.
Doris Pickman: Just a scalp lac. No LOC, and enough alcohol in her breath to light a small fire.
Patient: You're the first woman I've talked to in 14 months.
Dr. Susan Lewis: Yeah, I get that a lot. In high school I was voted "Most Likely to marry a convict".
Dr. Robert Romano: ...And if wishes were horses, we'd be knee-deep in crap.
Dr. Susan Lewis: If I was stuck on a train with my family... Well bad example, I'd throw myself on the tracks.
Dr. Mark Greene: You know, people think kids don't listen to their parents, but they do. And if you tell them they are nothing, they think they are nothing.
Frank: [describing Jodie] She's kind of a looker, in an 'interstate off-ramp' kind of way.
Carol Hathaway: Oh, Doug, not another serious conversation.
Dr. Doug Ross: You used to say we didn't communicate.
Carol Hathaway: I know, but now you're communicating a little too much.
Dr. Doug Ross: This is important. Can I have a drawer?
Carol Hathaway: What?
Dr. Doug Ross: A drawer. Something you keep your clothes in-something that i can put my clothes in.
Carol Hathaway: You never wanted a drawer before.
Dr. Kerry Weaver: Carter, take our friend here, I'm afraid I might stick an IV pole up his ass.
Abby Lockhart: [while baby shopping] Maybe a mobile of Croatian diplomats?
Carol Hathaway: What were you thinking? What could you possibly have thought would happen tonight? That you would show up on my doorstep at midnight, drunk and I would find that as some sort grand gesture of love? That I would invite you back into my life, into my bed? Is that what you imagined would happen tonight? You have no right to even think about doing this.
Dr. Doug Ross: I'm sorry.
Carol Hathaway: Do you think you love me? For how long Doug? How long till you start wondering if there isn't someone better in the next room or the next bar? How long until that little voice in your head reminds you of all the infinite 22-year-olds you could be screwing tomorrow, or the next day, or the next? I will not let you do this to me again.
Abby Lockhart: Why'd you stick me with this guy?
Dr. Susan Lewis: When did everyone become such scheduling divas?
Abby Lockhart: Well, I don't need a student. I'm better flying solo.
Dr. Susan Lewis: Is there something wrong with him?
Abby Lockhart: No, he's excellent. He's very good.
Dr. Susan Lewis: Oh, no, you like him, don't you?
Abby Lockhart: Okay, you know what...?
Dr. Susan Lewis: You do! You're blushing!
Abby Lockhart: We never had this conversation.
[starts to walk away]
Dr. Susan Lewis: Hey, haven't you had enough of doctors?
Dr. Maggie Doyle: No meat, no men, I'm your girl.
Alex Taggart: You get any freaks in here today? You know, guys with elephant man disease or axes stuck in their heads?
Dr. Susan Lewis: Should you be looking at that?
Alex Taggart: I'm going to become a doctor.
Frank: Dollars to donuts, that kid is already dissecting the neighborhood pets.
Dr. Kerry Weaver: [showing medical students around] Most interns send their samples without knowing what happens once they're there. Let's pretend we're a urine sample and find out.
Dr. Kerry Weaver: [complaining about her tardy staff] It's five after seven, is there some kind of natural disaster that I'm unaware of? An earthquake or half of Chicago's been swallowed up by a giant sinkhole?
Dr. Robert Romano: Tell your chief of staff I expect him to treat each of my patients as if it were his mother, but without all the inappropriate touching.
Dr. Kerry Weaver: You know what? I'm really very flattered. It's just that I'm, uh... I mean... gosh, you're such a beautiful woman. You're... you're so beautiful. But I'm... I... I'm straight... I mean, I don't... I'm straight. Oh, God. Oh, my God. I don't know... I don't know what's...
[starts laughing, then stops abruptly]
Dr. Kerry Weaver: I mean, I'm sorry... I just... I don't... I feel very...
Dr. Kerry Weaver: ... I'm... You know what?... I... I just... I mean, I... I guess I never even really considered this.
Dr. Susan Lewis: Yep, almost midnight. Let the screaming begin.
Abby Lockhart: We've all cried... Sometimes it's the only thing you can do.
Dr. Maggie Doyle: Self respect's a bitch.
Dr. Susan Lewis: I can't wait to go home and get into bed. What do you think the chances are of Antonio Banderas waiting there for me?
Abby Lockhart: First rule of girls' club is: you do not talk about girls' club.
Dr. Cleo Finch: Happy Hannukah, Kwanza, whatever...
Patient: [Regarding Neela] What is she, 10?
Dr. Greg Pratt: Actually, she's 16.
Dr. Elizabeth Corday: [to Dr. Romano] You're a despicable human being. Do you know that?"
Neela Rasgotra: [after Ray begs her to allow his roommate to stay] Fine, but you're cleaning the bathroom this week... with actual cleaning products.
Dr. Kerry Weaver: It's not a good idea to shock a patient who's wide-awake.
Dr. Dave Malucci: You're not the first to be deceived by my rugged good looks and boyish charm.
Bernard Gamely: [walks into chairs, and sees Lucy sitting in the middle of a luau group] Hey, Luce, you just get here?
Lucy Knight: Bernard, what are you doing?
Bernard Gamely: [looking around at the scene] What happened?
Lucy Knight: Oh, some fire twirler burnt his butt, and the whole troupe's waiting for him.
Abby Lockhart: If we were guys, we'd be talking about carbureters.
Dr. Robert Romano: Is anybody in this city not sick? It's like the damn plague down here.
Dr. Robert Romano: Good news and bad news. The bad news is my enlarged prostate guy needs a tube shoved up his urethra. The good news is he gets to have you in his pants.
Dr. Kerry Weaver: It's a bizarre thing, Daniel, which makes you a very bizarre guy, but we like that around here.
Jerry Markovic: So you say you're sick, you're broke, you're unemployed and uninsured. Yea, sure, come on over.
[Dr. Weaver is about to throw a preacher out of the hospital]
Dr. Kerry Weaver: Oh, no. Soon he'll start trying to heal people, and that's bad for business.
Alex Taggart: [to Luka, while playing a video game] Bite me, you Slav bastard.
Helicopter Paramedic: You ever flown before?
Dr. Mark Greene: Yeah, tons of times.
Nurse Sam Taggart: Men only think about three things: food, sports and sex. Dogs are more mysterious.
Dr. Mark Greene: [to young patient] Next time you have a pinata, make sure the other kids are done swinging at it before you dive for the candy, okay?
Carol Hathaway: You can run but you cannot hide!