Mother Buchanan: I hear that Delilah is unhappy... and an unhappy Delilah makes an unhappy Charles... and an unhappy Charles makes an unhappy Mother Buchanan.

Vivian: And a happy Mother Buchanan would look like...?

Mother Buchanan: You may never know, Vivian.

[Looking through a photo album.]

Mother Buchanan: That's one of me when I was young.

Bree: Why is it so blurry?

Vivian: They had just invented film.

[On surrogate motherhood.]

Vivian: Oh, look, I love Delilah. If she'd asked to borrow money, fine. Borrow my car? Sure. But I'm sorry, my uterus is off limits!

Vivian: Alex, did you buy one of those hideous trolls people put on their front lawn?

Alex: Of course not!

Vivian: Oh. In that case, I think Mother Buchanan's here for a visit.

Mother Buchanan: Hello. May I come in?

Alex: Wouldn't it be easier to just huff and puff and blow the house down?

Vivian: [shouting off-stage] Lyndon! P.J.! Stop it! I'm warning you! If you misbehave in church, Jesus won't love you anymore!

[to her sisters-in-law]

Vivian: Please don't tell anyone I said that.

Alex: [to Mother Buchanan, emerging from the restroom] That was awfully quick.

Mother Buchanan: I changed my mind. Obviously, you didn't get a chance to clean in there. I'll just wait 'til I get to a Texaco.

Alex: [pulling Mother Buchanan aside] Now you listen to me, old woman, and you listen good: There is a real big chance that some time in the future, you are going to be sick, possibly very sick; and while you're lying in the hospital kept alive only by a machine, the doctor is going to come to my husband and say, "Her chances don't look good. Should I pull the plug or not?" Roy, of course, will be too grief-stricken to make that decision, so it will fall upon me to decide whether you live or die. How you act as Bree is opening Delilah's shower gift will greatly influence what I say to that doctor. Got it?

Mother Buchanan: [nods; Bree opens the gift] Oh! A Mr. Waffle!

Mother Emma Buchanan: Well, I heard you were having a party and I wasn't invited, so naturally I just grabbed my purse and ran right over.

Female costumer: Excuse me. Is this bracelet real jade?

Alex: Ma'am, this is a thrift store. The tag on that bracelet says $1.50. It comes with a matching mood ring. What do you think?

Female costumer: I don't know.

Alex: Yes, it's real.

Jesse Buchanan: [Introducing his fiancé] Isn't she great? I met her on vacation last month at Disneyland. She worked there.

Vivian: Somehow I sensed that.

Bree: Actually, I worked at Disneyland for over seven years.

Delilah: No surprise there either.

[Mother Buchanan enters with a large plush stuffed animal in each arm]

Alex: Let's see. I recognize the bear and the monkey, but what's that scary creature in the middle?

Delilah: Charles hasn't let me French kiss him in I-don't-know when. Last time I sucked one of the fillings clean out of his tooth.

[Alex and Vivian stare at her.]

Delilah: I was very popular in high school.

Alex: That woman would qualify for sainthood if weren't for one tiny little thing.

Bree: What's that?

Alex: She's a bitch.

Mother Buchanan: Oh my stars! Delilah, is that you?

Delilah: Of course it's me...

Mother Buchanan: Well, I scarcely recognized you under all that make-up!

Delilah: She implied that I wear too much make-up.

Vivian: Well actually, Delilah, three layers of base is probably sufficient.

[Opening her shower gift]

Bree: Oh my gosh! It's a microwave!

Mother Buchanan: My friend, Beverly Davis - she got one just like it. Within a month, she was dead. Draw your own conclusion.

Bree: You must be Alex. Jesse's told me all about you.

Alex: Really?

Bree: Absolutely. Shalom!

Bree: And you must be Vivian!

Vivian: C'est moi.

Bree: [to her husband] You didn't tell me she was Mexican!

Vivian: Well, let's get this fiesta over with.

Delilah: I just wish I understood why Jesse was rushing into this marriage. There's no reason for it.

Vivian: People, please. There is only one explanation.

Alex: What's that?

[Vivian pantomimes being pregnant]

Delilah: His fiancee is a mime?

Vivian: Alex, I want to thank you again for letting me bring the twins by here tonight... you ever need a favor, just ask.

Alex: Actually, I do. Could you ask the twins not to play on my brand new patio furniture?

Vivian: Of course.

[turns off-screen, shouting]

Vivian: Lyndon! P.J.! If you won't stop jumping on that chaise longue, you're gonna break it! And you know you're Aunt Alex doesn't have a lot of nice things!

[turns back to Alex, smiles sweetly]

Vivian: Oh my God, Alex. The twins have gotten hold of your cat.

Alex: Why do they have her blindfolded?

Vivian: They're playing "International Terrorist" again. It's a little game they made up.

[turns off-screen, shouting]

Vivian: Lyndon! P.J.! What have I told you about taking animals hostage?! Let her go... What?... I don't care if your demands haven't been met yet, let the kitty go!