[Chazz and Rex are testing Chris]

Chazz: Who'd win in a wrestling match, Lemmy or God?

Chris Moore: Lemmy.

[Rex imitates a game show buzzer]

Chris Moore: ... God?

Rex: Wrong, dickhead, trick question. Lemmy *IS* God.

Chazz: Okay, lemme ask you a question: whose side did you take in the big David Lee Roth-Van Halen split?

Chris Moore: What?

Marcus: What kind of question is that?

Chazz: Whose side did you take: Halen or Roth?

Chris Moore: ...Van Halen.

Ian: HE'S A COP!

Chazz: We got to send one person out.

Pip: I'll go.

Rex: One of the hostages, doof.

Ian: The Lone Rangers? That's original. How can you pluralize "Lone Ranger"?

[one of the list of demands]

Rex: 67 copies of "Moby Dick".

Suzzi: The movie or the book?

Rex: They made a book outta that?

Chazz: For all you care, our record could be Pip farting on a snare drum.

Pip: I ain't fartin' on no snare drum.

Rex: We're gonna take the cops up on those demands they wanted.

Pip: We got a killer list goin'.

Rex: Yeah, check it out. We ask for airplay and whatever else we want, then we demand a whole bunch of weird stuff. This way we can plead insanity later.

Chazz: Where'd this come from?

Rex: Pip's idea.

Chazz: Way to go, Pip.

[after catching Pip and Suzzi having sex]

Milo: Ahhhhh. You're screwing on my $1400 leather couch!

Rex: What's with the scream fest... aw, Pip.

Suzzi: All those blowjobs for nothing...

Chazz: Do you know what it's like to be on the bill and to play for 15 minutes and the only people there to see you are the other bands and their girlfriends? Don't talk to me about Rock 'n' Roll! I'm out there in the clubs and on the streets and I'm living it!

[shouts]

Chazz: I am Rock 'n' Roll!

Chazz: [Carl has grabbed Kayla and is trying to humiliate Chazz in front of the entire Audience by calling him "Chester"] Hey, you stay out of this and get your hands off her!

Kayla: Why did he call you that?

Carl Mace: There's a lot that Chester didn't tell you about, right, Chester?

Rex: What's he talking about Chazz?

Chazz: Um... Kayla, I...

Chazz: It's... uh, he's... awww shit. Kayla, there's something I gotta tell ya. Um... I was a geek in high school. I had really short hair, I played "Dungeons and Dragons", I had a bug collection, I ate my Boogers. My name's not Chazz... it's Chester, and I understand if You don't love me, anymore.

D & D Rocker: I played D & D, too!

School Newspaper Rocker: I was editor of the school magazine!

Corduroy Rocker: I used to wear corduroy pants!

Masturbating Rocker: I used to masturbate... constantly!

[His two friends start hitting him]

Milo: You're gonna scream "Rock and Roll"? You're gonna go to jail for that?

Ian: There's a saying Milo: If it's too loud, you're too old.

Ian: Okay, who are you guys?

Pip: My name's Pip.

Ian: The band. The band name.

Pip: Sorry about that.

Ian: He doesn't wear a helmet, does he?

Pip: I don't wanna go to jail. I'm fragile.

Piercing Rocker: Don't you think you're out of your league, Chunk Style?

Officer Wilson: Look, I don't wanna have to bring you boys in on a 148. That's Obstruction.

[the rocker pulls off Wilson's badge and bends it with his teeth]

Piercing Rocker: Now, what are you gonna do about that?

[Wilson yanks the rocker's nipple ring off]

Officer Wilson: Improvise.

Marcus: 22:23 White man with a gun. Same shit been happenin' to my people for 425-odd years.

Pip: Hey, man, you like working here? We're down, man, Hendrix was god.

Marcus: You wanna take a step back, man? You're standing on my dick!

Pip: Yeah, I seen that Antrax and Public Enemy. That was outta control, together, man. Did you catch that one, G?

Marcus: Don't call me G!

Pip: What do you want me to call you? Hey, come on, man.

Marcus: All right, that's it! l can't wait for you to put that gun down, cos when you do we're gonna throw down. That's right, we gonna get serious. Mano-a-swine.

Rex: Just shut your pie-hole and keep working.

Marcus: "Pie-hole." What's that, some kind of cracker slang?

[crowd chants "Rodney King"]

Marcus: "Rodney King"? What's that supposed to mean?

Pip: He's that guy.

[Rex is trying to teach Pip how to intimidate the hostages]

Rex: [Punches Pip in the arm] I'm not scared, Pip. Come on.

Pip: I'm gonna stab your heads off!

Rex: [Prompting] With what? With what?

Pip: [yells] With my DICK!

Rex: Yeah!

Pip: Yeah! And blood's gonna come out of your head! And there's nothing you can do about it! Cause I'm a MAD MAN! Heh heh.

Pip: This is never gonna work.

Chazz: Pip, damn it, what is your problem?

Pip: You remember that guy Doper Greg? Remember that guy, man? He used to blow bong hits in his iguana's face and try to make the thing watch cartoons with him all the time.

Rex: So what? Will you shut up?

Chazz: Just get to the point? What?

Pip: Well, he won this radio giveaway, and when he went down to the station, they wouldn't let him in the building. It was, like, this total security building. They slid his tickets through this litle slot with, like, salad tong things.

Chazz: Oh, so just because that anus couldn't get in, does that mean that we can't?

Rex: Anybody gives us any static, I shove this in their face.

Pip: [Rex holds up his plastic gun and fires it at Pip and Chazz, laughing] Ahhh.

Pip: Yeah, but remember that fat kid on "Hard Copy" with a toy gun. The cops zapped him with a taser until he went bald.

Rex: And then he sued them for a million bucks when his pubes didn't grow in.

Pip: Still got no hair on his balls, man.

Jimmie Wing: Bea Arthur?... Outstanding.

Officer Wilson: [face down after bullets fly by him] GOD HELP US ALL!

[stands up, composes himself]

[Pip and Suzzi are seated on Milo's couch watching TV]

Suzzi: Pip? What are you thinking about?

Pip: Swimming pools.

Suzzi: Swimming pools, huh?

Pip: Yeah. I wish I was in one right now. The water's all clear and cool, and you spin around in there like an egg.

Suzzi: Do you have a girlfriend?

Pip: Mmm-mmm.

Suzzi: No? It's kind of weird us meeting like this, huh?

Pip: [Suzzi is about to kiss Pip] I don't know.

Chazz: I'm average and screwed up enough that I might just write a song that will live forever. And then it's all going to be worth it.

Pip: Man, Chazz is right. All we gotta do is make our own action, y'know?

Rex: That's the way it is, little bro. Do you think Tommy Lee sat around and waited for the bus? Man, he hustled. That's how come he gets to live in the Hills and pork Heather Locklear.

[their first attempt at opening the back door fails]

Pip: Oh, man! We almost got in. That's too bad. Let's get goin'.

Rex: Hey, Pip, you backstabber, what, are you quittin' out on us?

Pip: What? The door's locked!

Rex: Aw, man, you're such a flake. You don't even care about this band, do you? You run around in your apartment all day in your fudgies.

Pip: That's not true.

Rex: It is, too. I always got to tell you to put pants on when somebody comes over.

Pip: [yelling] He's making this up.

Chazz: [yelling] Will you both shut up? Please, OK? You're brothers, all right. C'mon, man, we ain't locked out yet. Stay here, Pip.

[Rex slaps Pip]

Pip: [loudly] Ahh, you got a big mouth, man.

Rex: Hey, Pip...

[gives Pip the finger]

Pip: [as a small fire starts in an ashtray] PUT IT OUT!

Chazz: Yvonne, get your shit and go. You'll be home in time for The Simpsons.

Chazz: [yelling at Kayla] You are acting like a fucking Spazz!

Ian: You're on the air!

Butt-head: [on phone] Whoa! Am I on the air?

Beavis: Come on, Butt-head, give me the phone.

Ian: [to Beavis and Butt-head] What? Am I speaking English, what did I just say dipshit?

Chazz: So, what do you guys want?

Butt-head: You guys are, like, The Lone Rangers, right?

Chazz: Yes.

Butt-head: We saw you guys at The Wheel Well last month. You suck!

Rex: Hey, come down here and say that, you punks!

Chazz: Yeah, well, you can kiss my ass.

Butt-head: Why don't you make the chicks get naked?

Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Naked!

[Chazz's tape, which Kayla had dropped in the middle of the road earlier, is now in bad shape]

Chazz: Oh, whoa. What happened to this?

Kayla: It fell off the nightstand.

Chazz: [as he grabs the tape and looks at it] What did you do to my tape? Can we even play this?

Rex: I don't know, maybe if I clean it up and re-spool it. Christ!

Kayla: I came all the way down here just to bring that stupid tape.

Rex: Yeah, and you took real good care of it, didn't you, Yoko?

Milo: I'm gonna need you to come in tomorrow. I'm cutting loose a lot of dead weight. There's gonna be a lot going on here.

Doug Beech: Oh, boy...

Milo: Problem?

Doug Beech: Well, I've been having a little bit of itching on my, um...

[Milo waits]

Doug Beech: I mean, it could be hemorrhoids.

Milo: I don't wanna hear that.

Doug Beech: No, I know. It's just that I made an appointment with my proctologist to get some type of... cream or something.

[first lines]

Ian: [on the air] Oh yeah! That was for all you pinheads out there too hip to take off your leather jackets in this 95 degree heat. Now I know when the weather gets like this it brings all you nut bags out of the wood pile. And since I am a trouble magnet, I have one thing to say to you bozos, and that is, back off. Here's the Sons of Thunder from the debut album Scrabbled Eggs and Wobbly Legs. You're listening to Ian Shock, on the station with more hair, more flair, yet so debonair, KPPX. Rebel radio-O-O-O.

Carl Mace: I used to come home at night bone tired, sometimes five, six o'clock in the morning. I drop my underwear on the floor one time. Had this teensy weeny little skid mark on them. You would think I had started World War 9.

Rex: We've got all kinds of beer and shit in here.

Ian: Well, there's three of you. You're not exactly lone. Shouldn't you be the Three Rangers?

Marcus: Milo, didn't I tell you to knock when you come to my office?

Milo: Just keep quiet and get that reel-to-reel deck down to the booth.

Marcus: Oh, gonna tell me to shut up now? Uh-huh, uh-huh. See, a brother can't open his mouth without the white man slap him down.

Milo: Just do it, Marcus.

[Milo steps aside to reveal Rex holding a gun]

Marcus: Damn.

Ian: [after Chazz rejects a record contract] He wipes his ass with his record contract, I like this guy!

[repeated line]

Marcus: [spoken very low] Oh my god.

Milo: All right I know you guys think I'm a dick... cheese... burger, or whatever.

Carter: [Talking on the phone] What was she on the Clydesdale Scale...? That's how many Clydesdale's it would take to tear her off your face.

[Kayla briefly listens to Chazz's demo tape while driving, but immediately ejects it]

Kayla: Bastard!

[then drops it in the middle of the road]

Officer Wilson: Good, great, wonderful, fantastic...

[the demo is briefly played on the air, but it's not played properly]

Chazz: Hey, what the did you do with it?

Ian: What did I do with it? Hey, I didn't do anything. Tonto must have loaded the tape in wrong.

Pip: Hey, your machine dilapidated it, man.

[suddenly, the demo is ruined by catching a fire]

Rex: We're a band.

Ian: [sarcastically] Of course, the Partridge Family. Which one of you is Laurie?

[the band laughs at the comment]

Ian: Get out.

Carl Mace: You got any kind of training?

Doug Beech: Well, I was in the Merchant Marines.

Carl Mace: Marines. Yeah, I copy.

[gets distracted for a moment]

Doug Beech: But, I was an accountant.

Carl Mace: Nah, you won't be held accountable.