[Delivering Alfalfa's letter to Darla]

Buckwheat: Dear Darla, I hate your stinking guts. You make me vomit. You're scum between my toes! Love, Alfalfa.

Buckwheat: Quick, what's the number for 911?

Stymie: You only meet your once in a lifetime friends... once in a lifetime.

Alfalfa: Then the clouds opened up and God said, "I hate you, Alfalfa!"

Stymie: Wood doesn't grow on trees!

Uh Huh: Actually, I've always had a rather extensive vocabulary, not to mention a phenomenal grasp of grammar and a superlative command of syntax. I simply chose not to employ them.

Stymie: I... Stymie... Member in good standing of the He-Man Woman Haters Club... Do solemnly swear to be a he-man and hate women and not play with them or talk to them unless I have to. And especially: never fall in love, and if I do may I die slowly and painfully and suffer for hours - or until I scream bloody murder.

Butch: When's the last time we beat you up?

Alfalfa: Well, let's see... today's the 10th, 30 days hath September, April, June, and November. It's not a leap year... yyyesterday.

Butch: You're due!

Alfalfa: Why am I soaking wet?

Porky: Don't worry, Alfalfa. I used to have the same problem.

Alfalfa: I'm usually a lover, not a fighter, but in your case, I'm willing to make an exception!

[punches Butch and he falls in the mud]

Buckwheat: [singing, as he and Porky are jogging to the race] We're goin' to the race, we're gonna win first place, and you have an ugly face!

[Porky giggles happily]

Mr. Welling: [Stymie and Spanky go into a bank trying to get a loan disguised as two Amish men] What is your account...

[looks up and pauses]

Mr. Welling: number?

George "Spanky" McFarland: Uh, seven.

Mr. Welling: [uncertain] Seven?... seven?

Billy "Froggy" Laughlin: [is under Spanky to hold him up] Try eight.

George "Spanky" McFarland: Eight?

Mr. Welling: [still uncertain, the turns stern] Heard enough.

Mr. Welling: [pulls their fake beards and lets them go hitting Stymie and Spanky in their faces]

Mr. Welling: If you were *my* kids, I'd punish you.

Stymie: If we were *your* kids, we'd punish ourselves!

Mr. Welling: [desperate for them to leave] Leave the premises posthaste!

George "Spanky" McFarland: You can't treat people like this, Mister!

Mr. Welling: You're not people, you're kids.

[about Spanky and Alfalfa's friendship]

Stymie: You're a team, like Bert and Ernie, Superman and Clark Kent, Milli and Vanilli.

A.J. Ferguson: Is that a cowlick, or are you just happy to see me?

[the girls are talking about boys]

Twin #1Twin #2: They like to moon ya!

[back at the Clubhouse]

Buckwheat: No, we don't!

George "Spanky" McFarland: Howdy, Mister. Me and my buddies have to build a new clubhouse.

Stymie: We have buy some lumber.

Lumberyard Clerk: What kind?

Stymie: Wood!

Butch: Any last words?

Alfalfa: [waves nervously] Yeah, uh... see ya!

Stymie: Porky, you sure know how to make a sand-wich!

Porky: That wasn't sand, that was kitty litter.

Buckwheat: Don't worry, it's pretty fresh.

Buckwheat: Hey, my mom's here!

Porky: [sarcastically] Whoopi!

Buckwheat: Hey, Spanky, me and Porky have an idea.

George "Spanky" McFarland: Keep it, you might need it when you grow up!

Buckwheat: Oh-tay.

George "Spanky" McFarland: People, people, we need your money!

Alfalfa: Is Spanky home?

Spanky's Dad: Sorry, Alfalfa. Spanky isn't here.

Alfalfa's Dad: I'm sorry, Spanky, Alfalfa's not here.

George "Spanky" McFarland: Darn.

Alfalfa: Darn.

Stymie: You're not thinkin' about Darla, are ya?

Alfalfa: No, of course not.

George "Spanky" McFarland: Good.

Alfalfa: I wonder if she's not thinking of me, too?

Mr. Welling: Six kids, hard-working father, honest and trustworthy. Loan... denied!

Alfalfa: Everything's working out perfectly. The guys are at the swimming hole, and I'm home with a tooth ache. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

George "Spanky" McFarland: [to Alfalfa] How's the tooth ache, bub?

Darla: Just as I thought, you are ashamed of me

Alfalfa: I'm not ashamed of you I'm proud of you... I just don't want anyone to see you.

Alfalfa: Love note? No, this is gonna be a hate note!

BuckwheatPorky: Sounds good to me!

Buckwheat: We've got a dollar, we've got a dollar, we've got a dollar, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Alfalfa: All knights ride into battle wearing the colors of their lady fair!

Darla: This tastes like somebody poured it through an old boot!

Billy "Froggy" Laughlin: Actually, it's a sneaker!

Darla: Waldo, I think we have to turn here!

Waldo: Girls have no sense of direction.

Darla: You know, you're starting to get on my nerves!

Darla: Alfalfa, that's a part of you I've never seen before!

The Rascals: [singing] We are he-man woman haters/ We feed girls to alligators/ Our clubhouse burned down mighty low/ But we've got a plan to make some dough!

Waldo: We just moved into town. My father bought the oil refinery.

Darla: That explains why you're so refined!

Alfalfa: Yeah, and so oily!

Buckwheat: Hey, Uh-Huh, does it stink in there?

Uh-Huh: Uh-Huh!

Alfalfa: [to Spanky] Don't talk to me you Benedict Arnold! You, you Judas Priest!

George "Spanky" McFarland: [during the Go-Cart Derby] You snot wads stole our racer!

Butch: Finders keepers, losers suck!

Alfalfa: Ahhh - bite me!

George "Spanky" McFarland: The clubhouse is fried crispy.

Billy "Froggy" Laughlin: Our lives are over.

George "Spanky" McFarland: And it's all your fault!

[Alfalfa stares off toward the now-burned club house]

George "Spanky" McFarland: That's right. Sure is.

Alfalfa: [during the bloopers at the end] I winded my ear up.

A.J. Ferguson: Now the race course is marked off with arrows, and it ends right back here, where it started from.

Race Announcer: Hey everybody, don't forget: following the Go-Cart Derby, there will be a tiny tot bunny race at 3:30. Entrants must be five years and under. See you there!

Buckwheat's Mom: [after Alfalfa and Spanky win the race by the matter of Alfalfa's pointed hair] Winner by a hair! *Yes*!

Alfalfa: Look!

[Butch and Woim look to their rights, then Alfalfa runs away very fast]

Woim: I don't see nothin'.

Butch: Come on, you doink!

[they get out of the go-cart and chase after Alfalfa]

A.J. Ferguson: And now it gives me great pleasure to present this beautiful trophy and the prize money... to Alfalfa Switzer... and Spanky McFarland.