Dorothy Parker: I'll wear my heart on my sleeve like a wet, red stain.

Robert Benchley: You'd have to wear out a pretty large hole in your pocket to lose me, Mrs. Parker.

Dorothy Parker: Razors pain you, rivers are damp, acids stain you, drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful, nooses give, gas smells awful; you might as well live.

[after being chewed out for missing a magazine deadline]

Dorothy Parker: Someone else was using the pencil.

Dorothy Parker: But I can't understand what God is saying, because he's got a mask over his face. Isn't that just like Him?

Dorothy Parker: The sun's gone dim, the moon's turned black; for I loved him and he didn't love back.

Dorothy Parker: I'd kiss you, but I'm not sure it'd come out right.

Dorothy Parker: I never liked a man I didn't meet.

Dorothy Parker: Time doth flit; oh shit.

Dorothy Parker: You don't want to turn into the town drunk, Eddie. Not in Manhattan.

Dorothy Parker: I may have him mounted.

Robert Benchley: One would assume.

Dorothy Parker: It's as if I were a spoiled virgin, and no one will have me!

Robert Benchley: You're not spoiled. Just highly seasoned.

Dorothy Parker: Tragedies don't kill us, Woodrow. Messes kill us.

Paula Hunt: [to Mrs. Parker] You know, I think it's just as hard to get that look right in life as it is on the stage. Well, someone has to leave. If you ask me, it should be the person who already has their clothes on. But then, you're the writers. I'm just an actress.

Charles MacArthur: I was overcome with a powerful feeling of optimism. I said to myself: this is the lowest point of your life, from here on everything is gonna be an improvement

Alexander Woollcott: You almost look like a man today, Edna.

Edna Ferber: So do you, Alec.

Dorothy Parker: I write doodads because it's a doodad kind of town.