Joey Fingers: A bird in the hand is always greener than the grass under the other guy's bushes. It's a metaphor used by gardeners and landscaping people in general.
North's Father: I saw some blood in my stool this morning.
Governor Ho: There is only one barren spot on our whole island. Unfortunately, it's Mrs. Ho.
Winchell: Now is the time to say, "just because you were born 25 or 30 years before me, it doesn't make you smart! It doesn't make you right! It just makes you look old! It just makes you smell worse in the morning!"
Joey Fingers: Remember, kid, if you can't stand the heat, stay out of Miami.
North: What metaphor is that?
Joey Fingers: What metaphor? You ever been down there in August? Your balls stick to your leg like crazy glue.
[North's parents lay unconscious]
Attorney: Your honor, the defense rests.
Ma Tex: [to North] We'd like you show you how much we're looking forward to having you as our new son, ready Pa
Pa Tex: Ready Ma!
Ma Tex: [singing] We had a son who was trampled by a ton of longhorns, but you're very cute to fill his boots as flat as they may be
Pa Tex: [singing] You'll yippie yi yo with the rodeo til' the day's done
Ma Tex: [singing] Then you'll make a lot of pals with buffalo gals
Pa Tex: [whispering] Just save some for me!
Ma Tex: Hey there!
Ma Tex: [singing] You'll grow tall and play football be famous
Pa Tex: [singing] You'll grow more, own a chain of stores, and marry Betsy Lou
North: How can Labor Day be next week? I just got here.
Sleigh Driver: You walked from your house to the ice flows right? It's a ten week walk, even with the wind at your back.
North: No wonder we stopped for lunch 49 times.
Sleigh Driver: It's that six months of daylight thing. It throws everybody off. I myself only showered 12 times during the '70s.
Pa Tex: Remember before when I told you that everything I own is the biggest and the best? Well you're already the best. Now there's nothing left but to make you the biggest.
Ma Tex: And don't fret about not being able to clean up your plate. Why soon your stomach will stretch and stretch and your capacity for food will grow and grow.
North: You say that like that's a good thing to have happen to your stomach.
Pa Tex: It is.
Ma Tex: Then you'll be like Buck.
Pa Tex: Our first son. The biggest boy this big state's ever seen. Why he could eat more in one day than anyone else could eat in a whole month.
Ma Tex: That's why Buck hated February.
Gabby: We got a saying out here. Sometimes when you're panning for gold, you gotta try more than one stream.
Amish Father: Greetings, North, I am thy new father and this good woman who art my wife, is thy new mother. And these are thy new brothers who art named Ezikeo, and these are thy new brothers who art named Art.
North's Dad: If you wanna know how to build a rocket to fly a man into outer space, don't come to me. If you need somebody to perform a delicate brain operation, I'm not your man. However if you have any questions what so ever on the quality of a good pair of pants, look no further!
Winchell: As of next Monday, no parent will be permitted to see an R-rated movie, unless accompanied by a kid.
Federal Express Truck Driver: If you absolutely, positively have to get home by tomorrow morning, you've come to the right truck.