Quotes (27)

Joey Fingers: A bird in the hand is always greener than the grass under the other guy's bushes. It's a metaphor used by gardeners and landscaping people in general.

News Reporter: Arthur Belt, the rising politician who drafted the bill...

Arthur Belt: [Winchell shuts off the TV] Wait! They were talking about me!

Winchell: Relax, Arthur, pretty soon you'll be hearing your name so much even YOU will be sick of it.

Arthur Belt: I highly doubt it.

North's Father: I saw some blood in my stool this morning.

North: What are you doing here?

Gabby: Well I finished all my chores, I thought I'd get a little shootin' in.

North: No I mean, have you ever been an Easter Bunny?

Gabby: Easter Bunny?

Pa Tex: Careful, Son, Gabby's killed men for less than that.

North: Oh, sorry.

Gabby: No harm done.

North: How does that get me into a good college?

Governor Ho: Well since we don't use the letters B, C, D and F, you're pretty much guaranteed to get straight A's.

Governor Ho: There is only one barren spot on our whole island. Unfortunately, it's Mrs. Ho.

Winchell: Now is the time to say, "just because you were born 25 or 30 years before me, it doesn't make you smart! It doesn't make you right! It just makes you look old! It just makes you smell worse in the morning!"

Joey Fingers: Remember, kid, if you can't stand the heat, stay out of Miami.

North: What metaphor is that?

Joey Fingers: What metaphor? You ever been down there in August? Your balls stick to your leg like crazy glue.

[North's parents lay unconscious]

Attorney: Your honor, the defense rests.

North: Adam, what are you doing here?

Adam: Listen very carefully. I'm not here. You never saw me. We're not even having this conversation right now. Got that?

North: Got what?

Adam: Perfect.

North: Hey, hey, this looks great! I have always dreamt of a life without the ever present nuisance of electricity! Uh, uh, just let me grab something from the plane! I seem to have left my butter churn in the overhead compartment, hehe!

[to the pilot]

North: Floor it!

North: What are you? Some kind of guardian angel?

Narrator: Well I guess you can say that because in a manner of speaking we at Federal Express feel that we are guardians. Guardians of your most important packages and priority communique.

North: Where is Buck?

Pa Tex: [solemn] He died in a stampede.

North: Oh, I'm so sorry.

Pa Tex: Needless to say, it was a mighty big loss.

Ma Tex: [to North] We'd like you show you how much we're looking forward to having you as our new son, ready Pa

Pa Tex: Ready Ma!

Ma Tex: [singing] We had a son who was trampled by a ton of longhorns, but you're very cute to fill his boots as flat as they may be

Pa Tex: [singing] You'll yippie yi yo with the rodeo til' the day's done

Ma Tex: [singing] Then you'll make a lot of pals with buffalo gals

Pa Tex: [whispering] Just save some for me!

Ma Tex: Hey there!

Ma TexPa Tex: [singing with a chorus] We'll barbecue steaks and stew, feed you pumpkin pie til' your cans bigger than the big ol' Texas sky

Ma Tex: [singing] You'll grow tall and play football be famous

Pa Tex: [singing] You'll grow more, own a chain of stores, and marry Betsy Lou

North: Where the hell are my parents?

Winchell: North, did you say the word 'hell'? My, the summer's really broadened you.

North: Winchell, I've got exactly 10 minutes to find my parents and if you don't tell me where they are, I'll show you how the summer's broadened me you little asshole!

North: Do I need a lawyer?

Winchell: North, this is America. Everybody needs a lawyer.

Waitress: One Coca Cola and

[to Arthur]

Waitress: one Sex On The Beach.

Arthur Belt: Aren't I naughty.

Pa Tex: Well I reckon we'll wake up early and eat, then we'll dig for oil and eat, then we'll rope some doggies, bust a few broncs and maybe get a bite to eat. You like Tex Mex?

North: Sure, I'm a big fan of any food that straddles two borders.

Pa Tex: That's my boy.

North: How can Labor Day be next week? I just got here.

Sleigh Driver: You walked from your house to the ice flows right? It's a ten week walk, even with the wind at your back.

North: No wonder we stopped for lunch 49 times.

Sleigh Driver: It's that six months of daylight thing. It throws everybody off. I myself only showered 12 times during the '70s.

Pa Tex: Remember before when I told you that everything I own is the biggest and the best? Well you're already the best. Now there's nothing left but to make you the biggest.

Ma Tex: And don't fret about not being able to clean up your plate. Why soon your stomach will stretch and stretch and your capacity for food will grow and grow.

North: You say that like that's a good thing to have happen to your stomach.

Pa Tex: It is.

North: Why?

Ma Tex: Then you'll be like Buck.

North: Who?

Pa Tex: Our first son. The biggest boy this big state's ever seen. Why he could eat more in one day than anyone else could eat in a whole month.

Ma Tex: That's why Buck hated February.

Arthur Belt: This is working out bigger than we thought.

Winchell: Bigger than *you* thought. That's why you're only gonna be president.

Gabby: We got a saying out here. Sometimes when you're panning for gold, you gotta try more than one stream.

Amish Father: Greetings, North, I am thy new father and this good woman who art my wife, is thy new mother. And these are thy new brothers who art named Ezikeo, and these are thy new brothers who art named Art.

North's Dad: If you wanna know how to build a rocket to fly a man into outer space, don't come to me. If you need somebody to perform a delicate brain operation, I'm not your man. However if you have any questions what so ever on the quality of a good pair of pants, look no further!

Winchell: As of next Monday, no parent will be permitted to see an R-rated movie, unless accompanied by a kid.

North: Winchell, you put out a three-page leaflet with a circulation of 90.

Winchell: Might even land me a Pulitzer.

Federal Express Truck Driver: If you absolutely, positively have to get home by tomorrow morning, you've come to the right truck.