Gus: You know what, lady? I'd like to tie you to the back of a fucking truck.
Rose: You don't have the balls.
[Gus leaps up from his chair toward Rose and is intercepted by Lloyd]
Lloyd: Don't do it! It's not worth it.
Gus: I fucking hate her, Lloyd!
Lloyd: I know, I know.
Gus: What is the matter with you? I thought mothers were sweet and nice a-a-and Patient. I know loan sharks who are more forgiving than you. Your husband ain't dead, lady. He's hiding.
Lloyd: You know, you and my wife have a lot in common. You both think you have some right to life working out the way you want it to, and when it doesn't, you get to act the way you want. The only trouble with that is someone has to be responsible. I'd love to run around and take classes and play with my inner-self! I'd love the freedom to be some pissed-off criminal with no responsibilities! Except I don't have the time! But you don't see me with a gun. And you don't see me sleeping with someone else. You think my life turned out the way I wanted because I live in this house? You think every morning I wake up, look in the mirror and say "Gee, I'm glad I'm me and not some 19-year-old billionaire rockstar with the body of an athlete and a 24-hour erection!" No I don't! So just excuse the shit out of me!
Gus: Great, I hijacked my fucking parents.
Lloyd: Mary, gag your grandma.
Caroline: I had this dream...
Lloyd: Do we have to do dreams?
Caroline: I'm in this restaurant, and the waiter brings me my entree. It was a salad. It was Lloyd's head on a plate of spinach with his penis sticking out of his ear. And I said, "I didn't order this." And the waiter said, "Oh you must try it, it's a delicacy. But don't eat the penis, it's just garnish."
Dr. Wong: Lloyd, what do you think about the dream?
Lloyd: I think she should stop telling it at dinner parties to all our friends.
Rose: What difference does any of this make now? You're getting a divorce.
Lloyd: Is it possible for you to shut the fuck up for ten seconds?
Rose: Lloyd, don't talk to me like that in my own house.
Lloyd: You know what, Mom? You know what I'm going to get you next Christmas? A big, wooden cross. So anytime you feel unappreciated for all your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it.
Gus: Connecticut is the fifth ring of hell.
Murray: When are we gonna open presents?
Gus: Presents? Is that what you said? Presents? We'll open them when we get there. No, in fact, I'll save you the trouble. Your present is a giant fucking cannon. And you're gonna crawl in it. Then I'm gonna get 2 pounds of gunpowder and I'm gonna shoot you right out of Jersey! And then I'm gonna drive to Jersey, and pick up all the parts of your body and put them in a plastic bag. Then I'm gonna drive to my house with you in the bag and toss you into the fireplace. I'm gonna get my glass of whiskey and watch the Charlie Brown Special with your ashes burning IN MY FUCKING HOUSE! AGH!
Murray: What's that smell?
Gus: Shut up.
Gus: Look kid... what I do, running around, stealing stuff, may sound great when you're 14 years old, but it sucks just a little bit when you're 35. No house, no family. I got a partner who's 56, alcoholic... he still can't understand why they took "Happy Days" off the air. And then I got to turn on the TV every day and see kids like you, one after another on these talk shows. You got everything, opportunities up the ass, you got a family to come home to, and what do you do? You sit around, and you bitch and you moan, because things don't go your way. Well, you know what, kid? Welcome to the real world, where most times things don't go your fucking way.
Lloyd: Caroline, the day you see anything through to the end, I'll stick my own dick in my ear.
Gus: Soooo... got any cigarettes?
Lloyd: I don't smoke and Caroline just quit.
Gus: Really? Just quit, huh?
Caroline: [she nods her head yes]
Gus: So... where are they?
Caroline: What do you mean?
Gus: Where aaare they, Caroliiiiine?
Caroline: [sighs] They're behind the chessboard.
Lloyd: What? You lied to me! You said you were finished!
Caroline: I said I hadn't finished a cigarette. I take a couple drags, I don't inhale.
Lloyd: Oh you are such a liar!
Caroline: I am not, I said...
Gus: [Gus is sick of the argument and pushes both of them over in thier chairs] Did you say that you would quit, Caroline? DID YOU SAY... that you would quit?
Caroline: [shaking her head yes]
Gus: YES! So that means that YOU are a liar, end of story.
Lloyd: [chuckles thinking he's won, but Gus looks over and comes towards him]
Gus: [putting the gun to his head] You saw the stop sign didn't you, Lloyd?
[waving the gun back and forth]
Gus: You... saw the... stop sign... DIDN'T YOU?
Lloyd: Y-yes, I did.
Gus: YES! So that means that you, too, are a liar! Capital "L", small "i", small "a", small "r", period. Now shut... the fuck... up!
[Gus on the phone with a bartender]
Gus: Is there a Murray there?
Bartender: [to the patrons] Is there a Murray here?
[Into the phone]
Bartender: I don't think he's here, pal.
Gus: See if there's a waste of fucking life named Murray, try that.
Bartender: [to the patrons] Is there a fucking waste of life named Murray here?
Murray: Gussy? Yeah that's me.
Gus: Do you know what this family needs? A mute.
Lloyd: [to the therapist referring to their son] In the ninth grade we said he could get a part time job. Are you ready for what he did? He started an escort service for the football team, and he gave out my mother's phone number!
Caroline: And I still say getting laid by an 18-year-old linebacker is just what she needs!
Gus: Great. I just beat up Santa Claus.
Gus: From now on, the only person who gets to yell is me. Why? Because I have a gun. People with guns get to do whatever they want. Married people without guns - for instance - you - DO NOT get to yell. Why? NO GUNS! No guns, no yelling. See? Simple little equation.
Lloyd: I suppose you'll use this drama as a reason to have another affair. I feel sorry for the next delivery man that comes to this house!
Boy: Santa doesn't drink champagne. Santa only drinks milk.
George: [quietly] Listen. Santa can't drink no more milk. Santa has a lactose intolerance, and it gives him horrible gas pains. Do you want to see Santa farting down everybody's chimney?
Gus: [Trying unsuccessfully to get the family to be quiet] Should I just shoot one of you in the foot, would that get the point across?
Lloyd: [to Caroline] I told you what moving here could mean, but you were the one who said we should consider it! Not the actual moving, just the considering - the actual moving in part was left to me! Why? Because you didn't know what to do! You were confused. You didn't know if it was the right thing. But you were sure as hell sick and tired of living in a one-bedroom apartment in New York City, so don't hand me that "it was the best of times" bullshit! You didn't want to work anymore and you didn't want any help with the baby because you wanted to do it all by yourself! And you hated New York because we weren't as rich as your college friends were to enjoy it! We couldn't afford a bigger place, and you were miserable being around people who could! And we were up to our ears in debt! But moving here was MY decision! RIGHT! And the loan was the same situation!
Gus: I have a gun, it's loaded, shut up.
Gus: The Army? What the fuck? What am I, Oswald, here?
Lloyd: Caroline? Why don't you eat something?
Caroline: [Drunk] Loyd? Why don't you eat me?
Connie Chasseur: Kids, go to into the den. This not a conversation for children.
Rose Chasseur: It is not an apprioprate conversation for adults either.
Gus: Where are you going?
Rose Chasseur: To the living room. To leave you to your quilting. I be there to open presents. If my plans change I will contact you.
Lloyd: Why don't we all go into the living room, we'll have our drink and deserts in there.
Caroline: [to Loyd] Phoney Bastard!
Gus: Caroline, shut up.
Connie Chasseur: Let's all go to the den...
Gus: Sit down Connie sit.
Connie Chasseur: Excuse me, I am not one of you patients.
Gus: You're going to be somebody's patient if you don't get your ass back down in that chair.
Gus: Caroline and Loyd, will get the coffee and deserts then we'll be opening presents.
Connie Chasseur: We can't open presents til midnight.
Gus: Why not?
Connie Chasseur: Because it's not Christmas until midnight!
Gus: We'll be changing the rules, a little bit. We are opening the presents now. Not later, now. Why? We're adults, and we can open our presents, WHENEVER WE WANT!
George: Yeah? Well, maybe Santa won't come back next year. Maybe he and the Easter Bunny will take a fuckin' cruise to Jamaica and you can eat your own lousy cookies!
Gus: [into phone] Murray! How are ya, pal?
Murray: I'm fine Gussie. How are you?
Gus: Oh, just a little tired after running for ten hundred
Gus: fuckin' miles because there was no fuckin' car waiting for me!
[beats the phone against the counter numerous times, then back into phone]
Gus: What did I tell you? I told you to act like a drunk vagrant imbecile! Is that too much of a *fuckin'* stretch?
Connie Chasseur: I'm sorry but I have had it! I have never heard of such a Christmas! Sex... and drugs... an-an-and women being set on fire!
Lloyd: Why don't you just give yourself up?
Gus: What'd you say?
Lloyd: Well, you're not going to kill an entire family. It's over. I mean, you're not the type. You're a thief, not a killer. That's obvious.
Gus: I hate guys like you, you know, with your Jeep Grand Cherokee's and your Nicaraguan maids and your ping-zing golf clubs. Every goddamn thing in the world handed to you. I mean, what fuckin' purpose do you people serve?
Lloyd: You're a criminal. What possible purpose could you serve?
Gus: Fuck you, Lloyd! I work for a living, okay? I have a skill. I'm in the game pal. What do you do except take up fuckin' space?
Lloyd: If you're so skilled, what are you doing stuck here?
Gus: Let me tell you something. I could break into any house, anywhere, anytime. Take whatever I want. In and out in ten minutes. No prints, no evidence. Nothing. If what's-his-name hadn't installed that fuckin' road runner booby trap I'd be in Jamaica by now.
Lloyd: Mmm, I'm impressed.
Gus: Nah, you people don't get impressed do you? Huh? Life just bores the shit outta you people. Well, I'm sorry. We don't all have rich mommies and daddies we can live off of or open restaurants when we get bored playing tennis.
Caroline: One bad review in one lousy magazine, you just give up!
Lloyd: Now hold on, stop right there. If you recall, it wasn't one bad review in one lousy magazine, it was the Restaurant Guidebook of New York! And when the Restaurant Guidebook recommends you to "Hindus looking for a fun night out of fasting," what do you expect me to do, change the menu?
Gus: Jesus! Cat piss!
Gus: [Lloyd and Carol are arguing in the front seat] SHUT UP! Jesus fucking Christ!