The Santa Clause (1994)
Tim Allen: Scott Calvin
Photos
Quotes
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Scott Calvin : You know, you look pretty good for your age.
Little Elf Judy : Thanks, but I'm seeing someone in wrapping.
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Dr. Neil Miller : [in a light-hearted psychiatry tone] Scott, what was the last thing you and Charlie did before you went to bed Christmas Eve?
Scott Calvin : [sarcastically] We shared a bowl of sugar, did some shots of brown liquor, played with my shotguns, field-dressed a cat, looked for women...
[honestly]
Scott Calvin : I read him a book!
Dr. Neil Miller : What book?
Scott Calvin : [sarcastically] Uh, "Hollywood Wives".
[Laura puts her face in her hand]
Scott Calvin : [honestly] "The Night Before Christmas", folks, come on!
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Charlie : Whoa, Dad! You're flying!
Scott Calvin : It's okay, I'm used to it. I lived through the '60s.
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Scott Calvin : Charlie, stay away from those things. They're reindeer, you don't know where they've been. They all look like they've got key lime disease.
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Sarah the Little Girl : You're fatter this year.
Santa : Thank you. You've grown, too. Now go back to sleep.
[Drinks the milk and gags a little, Sarah looks at him]
Santa : I think the milk's a little sour.
Sarah the Little Girl : It's soy milk.
Santa : Huh?
Sarah the Little Girl : You said you were lactose intolerant.
Santa : I did say that, didn't I? Thank you for remembering.
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Det. Nunzio : [after Scott got arrested] Look, I know you're Scott Calvin. You know you're Scott Calvin. So let's make this simple: I say, name, you say, Scott Calvin.
[gestures Scott to come close]
Det. Nunzio : Name?
Scott Calvin : Kris Kringle.
Det. Nunzio : Name?
Scott Calvin : Sinterklaas.
Det. Nunzio : [annoyed] Name!
Scott Calvin : Pere Noel. Babbo Natale. Pelz-Nickel.
[imitates Ed Sullivan]
Scott Calvin : Topo Gigio!
Det. Nunzio : Okay, Calvin, maybe a couple of hours in the tank will change your mind.
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Scott Calvin : Where is he?
Laura : Well, he could be listening to records jumping up and down on his bed wearing a red hat and galloshes.
Scott Calvin : I don't care what Neil's doing. Where's Charlie?
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Charlie : Get the bag of toys.
Scott Calvin : And do what?
Charlie : Go down the chimney.
Scott Calvin : Down the chimney? You want me to take the toys down the chimney into a strange house, IN MY UNDERWEAR?
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Scott Calvin : [yelling out to his ex-wife in her car driving away from his house] It was a dream! Stuff like that doesn't happen! It was a dream! Come on! I don't even wear pajamas! Normally I sleep naked! BUCK naked! Ha!
[suddenly embarrassed, to a woman walking down his sidewalk]
Scott Calvin : Good morning, Mrs. McCoy, Mary Katherine.
Mrs. McCoy : Eyes front, Mary Katherine.
Scott Calvin : Sometimes, boxer shorts. You know.
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Bernard : I'll ship the list to your house.
Scott Calvin : What list?
Bernard : You know, the list.
[sings quietly]
Bernard : He's making a list...
Charlie : [singing loudly] Checkin' it twice!
Elves : [chorusing] Gonna find out who's naughty or nice!
[Bernard groans]
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Scott Calvin : Hey, Charlie, you know how to call 911?
Charlie : Sure, 9-1-1.
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Scott Calvin : [flying away in the sleigh after finishing delivering presents in the fallen Santa's place] Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! And when I wake up, I'm gettin' a CAT scan!
[laughs]
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Bernard : What's all this boo-hooin' going on here?
[to Neil, who suddenly backs away from him]
Bernard : Hey, how are you doing?
Scott : Nothing, Bernard. I'm just saying good-bye to Charlie.
Bernard : What good-bye? Charlie, you've still got the glass ball I gave you, right?
Charlie : Yeah.
Bernard : Well, all you've got to do is shake it, whenever you want to see your dad.
Charlie : [his face lights up] Really?
Bernard : He can come back to see you anytime, day or night. Hey, have i ever steered ya wrong?
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Dr. Pete Novos : I don't know, Scott. You're as healthy as a horse.
Scott Calvin : Yeah! Clydesdale!
Dr. Pete Novos : So what? You put on a little weight.
Scott Calvin : Weight? Does this look like a little weight to you?
Dr. Pete Novos : Weight can fluctuate from year to year.
Scott Calvin : Fluctuate? You make it sound like I'm retaining water. I've gained 45 pounds in a week. Pete, what's happening to me?
Dr. Pete Novos : Well, what's your diet like?
Scott Calvin : Milk and cookies.
Dr. Pete Novos : Really?
Scott Calvin : But I don't finish all the milk.
Dr. Pete Novos : Well then, there is your problem. Just try to cut back on the sweets, okay?
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Scott Calvin : Well, isn't that a pretty picture, Santa rolling down the block in a PANZER! Well kids, I... I certainly hope you have been good this year, cause it looks like Santa just took out the Pearson home. Incoming!
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Scott Calvin : Why not? What if don't buy any of this Santa Clause thing? What if I choose not to believe it?
[a dead silence falls upon the workshop]
Bernard : Then there would be millions of disappointed children around the world. You see, children hold the spirit of Christmas within their hearts. You don't wanna be responsible for killing the spirit of Christmas, now would you... Santa?
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Charlie : Neil's a really good cook.
Scott Calvin : Yeah, and you should see him walk on water.
Charlie : You don't like him very much, do you, Dad?
Scott Calvin : Charlie, I'm sorry, I was just kidding around around. Sure I like him. But there's just something about him that makes me want to -...
Charlie : Lash out irrationally?
Scott Calvin : Now, where did you hear that?
Charlie : From Neil. I learn a lot from him. He listens to me.
Scott Calvin : Yeah! And he charges you for it.
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Scott Calvin : Did I miss anything?
Business Guy Across from Him : No, we were, uh, just about to order lunch.
Scott Calvin : Great! I'm starving.
Susan Perry : I'll have a salad and iced tea, and dressing on the side.
Mr. Whittle : Ah, pasta and tomatoes, uh, and very light on the oil. Can you do that?
Scott Calvin : And I'll have a caesar. No dressing. And one of those homemade cookies, the warm chocolate chip. No nuts. And a little slice of cheesecake. Uh, crème brulee, and, um, hot fudge sundae, extra hot fudge.
[licks his lips, sees people looking weirdly at him]
Scott Calvin : On the side.
Waiter : Anything to drink?
Scott Calvin : Ice cold milk.
Susan Perry : [wondering if he was really honest with them about his suddenly big belly] Stung by a bee, Scott?
Scott Calvin : A big bee.
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Scott Calvin : [after he watches in the mirror as his beard grows back within one second after he shaved it prior to the big custody hearing] I'm in big trouble. Mm-hmm.
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Scott Calvin : Look, I am not Santa Claus! Ahhh!
Bernard : Did you or did you not read the card?
Scott Calvin : Yeah, I read the card.
Bernard : Then you're the new Santa. And putting on their hat and jacket, you accepted the contract.
Scott Calvin : What contract?
Bernard : The card in the Santa suit, you said you read it, right? So when you put on the suit, you fell subject for the Santa Clause.
Scott Calvin : The Santa Claus? Oh, you mean the guy that fell off my roof?
Bernard : No, no, not Santa Claus, the person. Santa Clause the clause.
Scott Calvin : What?
Bernard : You're a businessman, right? Okay, a clause as in the last line of the contract.
Bernard : [Scott looks confused] You got the card? Okay look.
[Reads what the I.D. card says]
Scott Calvin : What does that mean?
Bernard : It means you put on the suit, you're the big guy.
Scott Calvin : That's ridiculous, I didn't put on a suit to...
Bernard : [shouts] *Try to understand this!*
[the other elves ooh]
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Charlie : These are Santa's reindeer, aren't they?
Scott Calvin : I hope not. These are... A gift. Probably from the cable company. We're getting the Disney Channel now. Merry Christmas.
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Scott Calvin : Who gave you permission to tell Charlie there was no Santa Claus? I think if we're going to destroy our son's delusions, I should be a part of it.
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Scott Calvin : The only thing you need to worry about is where you're going to buy your sweaters after the circus pulls out of town.
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Sarah the Little Girl : Santa?
Scott Calvin : Scott Calvin.
Sarah the Little Girl : How come your clothes are so baggy?
Scott Calvin : Because Santa is... watching his saturated fats.
[curtsies in his Santa suit, then gestures obesity]
Sarah the Little Girl : How come you don't have a beard?
Scott Calvin : Because I shaved!
[instantly reveals an unwrapped Raggedy Ann doll for her from his bag]
Scott Calvin : You want this doll or not? Go back to sleep.
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Charlie : Dad?
Scott Calvin : What is it, Charlie?
Charlie : Maybe you better leave some milk and cookies out, just in case. Okay?
Scott Calvin : Great. I'll just go pre-heat the oven.
Charlie : And don't forget the fire extinguisher!
Scott Calvin : Good night, Charlie!
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Mr. Whittle : Good God, your weight! What happened?
Scott Calvin : Bee sting. Evidently I'm allergic. It almost killed me. But, the guy at the emergency room said that eventually the swelling will go down. I hope.
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[assuming that he's Santa, sees Scott take celery off a plate left out for him, but neglects the milk right by it]
Sarah the Little Girl : You're s'posed to drink the milk.
Scott Calvin : Look, I am lactose intolerant! And I'm just about this close to taking all those presents back up the chimney.
[bites on his celery stick, and under his breath, mocks Sarah]
Scott Calvin : You're s'posed to drink the milk!
[she opens her eyes after hearing what he said]
Scott Calvin : Shut your eyes!
[she does]
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Scott : [to a dog growling and baring its teeth at him] Nice teeth.
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Scott Calvin : Here we are. Denny's. Always open.
Charlie : I don't wanna eat here.
Scott Calvin : What are you talking about? Everybody likes Denny's, it's an American institution.
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Scott Calvin : Not necessarily. It could be rude, sarcastic, whatever it takes!
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Scott Calvin : This thing, you never know where it's been. A thousand malls! Well I hope you're happy, Comet. I hope you're happy, but most importantly, I hope the guy that lives here IS A TAILOR!
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Scott Calvin : [to fallen Santa Claus] Fella, if you can hear me, I'm just looking for your identification. As soon as I find out who you are, I'll give you a lift back to the mall.
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Scott Calvin : Yeah, well, look at my hair. It's turning grey.
Dr. Pete Novos : Oh, it's middle age, buddy. It happens. And with that body, you should be thankful you have hair. Look, if it bothers you, you can dye it - and you should diet!
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Scott Calvin : [the bag lifts him up] Hey, hey, HEY, wait! There is no chimney here, okay? No chimney!
Charlie : Lookin' good, Dad.
Scott Calvin : [hovers over a thin pipe] You have *got* to be kidding me.
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Scott Calvin : [reading the fallen Santa's instruction card] If something should happen to me, put on my suit; the reindeer will know what to do.
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[repeated line]
Scott Calvin : What if I fall off the roof?
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Charlie : [after Santa has fallen off of the roof] Look, Dad, he disappeared.
Scott Calvin : [looks around] He's naked somewhere.
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Charlie : You said you believe in Santa Claus, right, Dad?
Scott Calvin : I did? I do!
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Scott : Hey, kid, kid... who's in charge here?
Larry the Elf : You are, and I'm not a kid, I have pointy SHOES that are older than you... I'm an elf.
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Scott Calvin : Hey, I know where this is going. The other guy fell, it was an accident. I've got homeowners insurance, and a good attorney, not as good as my wife's - but let's not open up that wound!
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Charlie : [about Neil] I learn a lot from him. He listens to me.
Scott Calvin : Yeah, then he charges you for it.
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Scott Calvin : [about what will happen for Christmas Eve dinner] Are you going to your mom's for dinner?
Laura : Actually, we're going with Neil's family.
Scott Calvin : Ah, Christmas at the pound!
[mockingly imitates a howling wolf, a hissing cat, and a cat meowing]
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Scott Calvin : Whoa! This could be a really long night.
Charlie : Do it again Dad, please?
Scott Calvin : [picks up the bag] I can't, the thing's empty.
[Comet the reindeer gets angry and growls]
Scott Calvin : There's nothing in the bag. Even if there was, did you notice there is no chimney? Where there's no chimney, there's no fireplace.
Scott Calvin : [Comet growls] Are you growling at me?
Scott Calvin : [Comet nods his head] Look, Comet, like I said there is nothing left...
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Laura : Here's Neil's mother's number.
Scott Calvin : 1-800-SPANK-ME? I know that number.
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Charlie : Whoa, how did you do that? How did that feel, Dad?
Scott Calvin : It felt like "America's Most Wanted".
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Scott Calvin : [on the phone with his ex-wife while driving on an empty road, making up an excuse for his tardiness to meeting her and their son] I ran real late today. You wouldn't BELIEVE the traffic out here.
[honks his horn, and pretends to yell out to the street]
Scott Calvin : Hey, same to you! And that's not very ladylike!
[back to his wife]
Scott Calvin : Oh, there's a problem right there: three car pile-up. I'm really gonna be late.
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Charlie : [to his father, Scott] What do you mean you don't know? Of course you are, Dad. How can you say that? Think about those kids!
Scott Calvin : The only kid I'm thinking about is you.
Charlie : Dad, I'm fine. You can't let *them* down. They all believe in you.
Dr. Neil Miller : Charlie, listen...
Charlie : YOU listen! You think you know what he is? You *DON'T*!
Laura : Charlie - honey, listen. You're confused.
Charlie : I know *exactly* who he is.
Dr. Neil Miller : [firmly] Charlie... He is NOT Santa!
Charlie : [whining; desperate] HE IS TOO SANTA! We went to the North Pole together. I saw it! The elves are real old even though they look like me. Bernard called me sport, 'cause he knew everything.
[turns to Scott]
Charlie : Right, Dad?
[Scott looks unsure]
Charlie : [tossing him the snow globe Bernard gave him] REMEMBER!
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Bernard : Did you or did you not read the card?
Scott Calvin : Yeah, I read the card.
Bernard : Then you're the new Santa. In putting on the hat and jacket you accepted the contract.
Scott Calvin : What contract?
Bernard : The card in the Santa suit. You said you read it, right? So when you put on the suit, you fell subject to the Santa Clause.
Scott Calvin : The "Santa Claus"? Oh, you mean the guy that fell off my roof?
Bernard : No, no, no, not Santa Claus, the person. Santa Clause, the clause.
Scott Calvin : What?
Bernard : Look, you're-- you're a businessman, right?
Scott Calvin : Yeah.
Bernard : Okay, a *clause*, as in the last line of a contract.
[Scott still doesn't understand]
Bernard : You got the card?
Scott Calvin : Oh!
Bernard : [holds the card under a magnifying glass revealing very small text along the edges of the card] Okay, look. The Santa Clause: In putting on the suit and entering the sleigh, the wearer waives any and all rights to any previous identity, real or implied, and fully accepts the duties and responsibilities of Santa Claus in perpetuity until such time that wearer becomes unable to do so by either accident or design.
Scott Calvin : What does that mean?
Bernard : It means you put on the suit, you're the big guy!
Scott Calvin : That's ridiculous, I didn't put on a suit to...
Bernard : [shouts] *Try to understand this!*
[the other elves ooh]
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Scott Calvin : Can we take a direct flight back to reality, or do we have to change planes in Denver?
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Scott Calvin : Johnny, naughty. Gary, nice.
[Sees a beautiful woman]
Scott Calvin : Veronica, very nice.
Veronica : In your dreams, sleigh boy.
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Charlie : How do reindeer fly? They don't have any wings.
Scott Calvin : [matter-of-factly] Fairy dust.
Charlie : That's from "Peter Pan", Dad.
Scott Calvin : Horns.
Charlie : Antlers.
Scott Calvin : Whatever. Their, uh, antlers given them - you know, there's a slipstream effect - the air go - they move fa - they're weightless.
Charlie : But if Santa's so fat, how does he get down the chimneys?
Scott Calvin : He sucks it in like Grandpa.
Charlie : What about people who don't have fireplaces? How does he get into their house?
Scott Calvin : Charlie, sometimes believing in something means you... means you just believe in it. Santa uses reindeer to fly because that's how he has to get around.
Charlie : But you do believe in Santa, right, Dad?
Scott Calvin : [making an uneasy face and nodding slightly] Of course I believe in Santa. Now please go to sleep.
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[Scott and Charlie in the sleigh pull up next to a delivery driver]
Scott Calvin : So, uh, we just go straight down this road and we'll hit I-94?
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Scott Calvin : [little girl taps on his shoulder] What?
Ballet Girl : I want some ballet slippers.
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[last lines]
Scott Calvin : Do you wanna go for a quick ride?
Charlie : Yeah!
Laura : Uh...
Scott Calvin : Of course, it's up to your mom.
Charlie : Please, Mom.
Laura : Go on. Get outta here.
Scott Calvin : All right. Hold on. On our way.
Charlie : Bye, Mom.
Laura : Just-- Just a quick one. And, uh, not over any oceans, Scott.
Charlie : Bye, Mom!
Laura : Scott.
Scott Calvin : Bye.
Laura : Scott! Santa!
[Scott and Charlie fly off into the night]
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Scott Calvin : [about to leave his son for his Santa job forever] Actually, l, I think it's a much better idea... that you stay here with your Mom and Neal.
Charlie : But, Dad...
Scott Calvin : No buts, Charlie. I can't be selfish. I can't be with you all the time. We're a family. You, me, your mom... and Neal. And they need to be with you too.
Charlie : I miss you too much.
Scott Calvin : Come here a minute. Ah, listen to me. Come on, listen. There's-- There's a lot of kids out there. Okay? Millions of kids. And they're-- They all-- They all believe in me. They're countin' on me, Charlie. And l--I'm not gonna let them down. I got a lot of work to do.
Charlie : So I can't be selfish either.
Scott Calvin : You gave me a wonderful gift, Charlie. Listen, a wonderful gift. You believed in me when nobody else did. You helped make me Santa. Selfish? Come on. You're the least-- the least selfish person I know.
Charlie : I love you, Santa Claus.
Scott Calvin : I love you, son.
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Bernard : [witnessing Scott and Charlie's breakup] What's all this boo-hooing goin' on here? Hey, how ya doin'?
Scott Calvin : It's nothin', Bernard. I'm just saying goodbye to Charlie.
Bernard : What goodbye? Charlie, you still got the glass ball, right?
Charlie : Yeah.
Bernard : Well, all you gotta do... is shake it whenever you want to see your dad.
Charlie : Really?
Bernard : He can come back to see you... anytime day or night. Hey, have I ever steered ya wrong?
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Scott Calvin : Reindeer up on the roof... Santa suit laying on the ground... Guy fell... not my fault... Reindeer on the roof... THAT is hard to explain...
Charlie : It's the ladder.
[Scott turns and bumps into the ladder]
Scott Calvin : [referring to ladder] Where the hell this come from?
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Charlie : [after reading "The Night Before Christmas" to Charlie, he turns off the light and turns to leave when Charlie interrupts him] What's that?
Scott Calvin : [leaning back in the doorway] What's what?
Charlie : A Rose Suchak ladder?
Scott Calvin : It's not a ladder, I said "arose such a *clatter*". It means, eh, "came a big noise".
Charlie : What?
Scott Calvin : [turning Charlie's light back on] Charlie, "arose" is a word that means "it came", and a clatter is a big noise.
[talks faster]
Scott Calvin : Now please go to sleep, shut your eyes.
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Dr. Neil Miller : May I speak. I'm a doctor.
Scott Calvin : No he's not. He's a psychiatrist.
