South Beach Academy (1996)

R   |    |  Comedy


South Beach Academy (1996) Poster

What do you do when the future of your school, your family, and your fortune all rest on the performance of the school's all-female volleyball team? It's up to two brothers and a steamy student body to save the day.


3.9/10
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5 May 2014 | RavenGlamDVDCollector
4
| Way Down South
I've had a mini-poster of this one ever since I saw it advertising the flick and begged it from the owner, but never saw the actual movie. So recently I went for it after downloading the trailer and seeing all those G-strings, so, yes, market researchers, making trailers available on the Net is Great Advertising, and, yes, market researchers, sex, and nudity, sells big-time.

My imported DVD, a Red Carpet Special, was a double bill feature, and I was worried about the running partner being dorky, but not too worried, as it was another Corey Feldman movie, ROCK AND ROLL HIGH SCHOOL FOREVER which I thought night well be perhaps just like a naughty episode of BEVERLY HILLS 90210.

Don't I wish!

For all of those of you who go blech!!! over SOUTH BEACH ACADEMY, go watch RARHSF. You'll come crawling back to dear old SBA on your hands and knees, kissing its feet!

In both movies, Corey Feldman is the epitome of white trash. This is because Corey Feldman lives to be the epitome of white trash on film.

But SOUTH BEACH ACADEMY, though light on dim- witted plot, at least has something to look at almost the whole time as you struggle through the inane script. Unfortunately, contrary to most expectations, there aren't many breasts in this movie, so don't be fooled by the other reviewers, who are sadly mistaken by the gamut of surgical creations that have usurped the spaces once held by natural appendages. Hell, girls, all of you in this movie, you're damn pretty things, with your long legs, slinky midriffs, long, long hair, and those curvy asses, but really! You had to go and get yourself all cut up for yucky implants?

Fortunately there are loads of rear views! And great ones at that!

The script stinks! The movie stinks! Corey Feldman is a low-down stinker! Should have been shot after this miserable performance!

But it is a hundred times better than that projectile vomit inane schoolboy comedy ROCK AND ROLL HIGH SCHOOL FOREVER. This one might well be the absolute bottom of the barrel, but ROCK AND ROLL HIGH SCHOOL FOREVER is what is stuck underneath that barrel on a hot summer's day and you wouldn't want that to stick to your shoes.

One obtains SOUTH BEACH ACADEMY to watch the girls. As such, there is plenty of fine damsels, even if there are too many boobjobs. Don't expect anything more from it than titillation.

The opening credits of the movie is really all you need, boys. Just take away all that pesky names of stupid actors, and that irritating beach ball, and put it on Repeat over and over and over, hell, few guys, except you budding Einsteins, would complain. Gee, I should have designed this titles' DVD presentation. Could have done away with the lame plot altogether.

What did I like? Plenty of dream girls, the lead actress held possibilities, but she was undermined by the poor script. And Ron Jeremy uncredited! But the very, very best thing is newcomer Julia Lynn Cialini, a Playboy centerfold. Hey, she could have been in MELROSE PLACE! She is one of the few girls here not seen nude, pity! but her performance as the sexually overt Phyllis Glass could only have sunk her chances at crossing over to mainstream. Which is a shame, as she'd have been formidable competition for contemporaries Christina Applegate and Nikki Cox (MARRIED WITH CHILDREN and UNHAPPILY EVER AFTER respectively). Wasted opportunity, Hollywood!

I should have been a casting agent...

I wince when those volleyball-playing girls hit the sand. Beach sand, but they obviously get hurt. And there seems to be a fetish for that in this movie. Fake boobs, bare butts, and girls diving for the ball, hitting the sand. Ouch!

Avoid that Rock and Roll thing like the plague. And kill Corey Feldman.

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