Hubbs: Every band puts out at least one pussy song so they can find out who the faggots are!

Tack: What chick's gonna wanna go out with a krater face?

Joe: Your face will clear up some day man, and who knows, maybe you can meet a chick with an acne problem too. Then you two will have something in common.

Tack: I don't want no chicks with zits, I want fine chicks!

Hubbs: Hey Tack, we'll trade you this half-joint of burlsense bud for the chicks.

Tack: Fucking skank weed, man.

Hubbs: Ok. How about we give you this entire bottle of the Schnappster, you tell us where the chicks are?

Tack: That shit makes me hork.

Hubbs: Come on, this will get six fat chicks all William Holden-style fucked up.

Tack: [contemplates it for a second] Fuck that!

Hubbs: I'd kick his ass if it wasn't for his massive upper body stregnth.

Buffalo Chick #1: It's a party.

Joe: Who's it gonna be, just you chicks?

Buffalo Chick #1: Yeah. We could play... submarine.

Hubbs: Actually ladies we gotta get going.

Buffalo Chick #2: Where you going?

Hubbs: Just cruisin' man.

Tack: You'd rather watch The Dukes of Hazzard instead of getting laid?

Hubbs: Information without transportation equals dick.

Lanie: [takes hit from pipe, coughs] This is fuckin' skank weed!

Joe: You can still catch a buzz off of it.

Hubbs: You're going to get your ass kicked over some fatass chick man?

[Crump's brother is kicking down the door and Joe and Hubbs run to hide in the kitchen]

Hubbs: Oh man... Crump's brother is going to kick our ass bad. But it was worth it, eh dude? That chick was rad.

Joe: Uh... yeah, man.

Hubbs: What? You blew it? You didn't go for it?

[Joe looks away]

Hubbs: I should kick your ass myself.

Hubbs: If it wasn't for you and this fag, me and Joe would be having a tittie-fest right now!

Joe: It still ain't cool to just worm his chicks, man.

Hubbs: What the fuck, Joe! Is that fuckin' eyeball lookin' at you again?

Lanie: Who's Tack?

Joe: Just some dude.

Jill Wajakawakawitz: Guy kinda reminds me of Mondo Man.

Lanie: Yeah kind of.

Joe: Who the fuck is Mondo Man?

Jill Wajakawakawitz: Oh, he's just some dude.

Hubbs: Well, you can spend the night at home spanking the monkey with your granpappy but I'm getting laid.

Joe: So you got a plan tonight, or what?

Hubbs: Fuck yeah, I got a plan, man. I got a radically hellacious plan! First, we get a shitload of tall cans, right? Them, an eight-ball... no... quarter O-Z. Fifth of Jack, just to take the edge off, then we spark up the thick, burlacious ganja-bud, get those chicks all horn-dogged out.

Joe: Hubbs, man, we're just gonna do what we always do. We'll drive around like dumb-fucks, then we're gonna wind up at that Stop 'n Go place, man, eatin' those Renaldo's burritos.

Hubbs: Shut up, Joe, fag! You go an attitude problem, man!

Joe: Shit! My Tape! This fuckin' machine just scarfed my tape!

Hubbs: Big shit, man, put in another.

[Don't fear the Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult begins playing]

Hubbs: What the fuck is that?

Joe: It's "Don't fear the Reaper", man.

Hubbs: Hey, you're not playin' that pussy shit in the Blue Torpedo, man. I told you!

Joe: It's Blue Oyster Cult.

Hubbs: I don't give a fuck if it's Blue Oyster Cult, man. It's a pussy song!

Joe: If it's B.O.C., how can it be pussy?

Hubbs: Lemme' tell you something, every band puts out at least one pussy song so they can find out who the faggots are. Now, take it out!

Joe: Fuck you, man!

Hubbs: Fuck me?

[slaps Joe in the chest and puts him in a head lock]

Joe: OW!

Hubbs: It's a pussy song! Say it! It's a pussy song, huh, faggot? Say it! Say it, it's a pussy song!

Joe: Okay, it's a pussy song!

[Joe takes the tape out]

Hubbs: I told you it's a pussy song!

Joe: Check it out, man. It's Tack.

Hubbs: [laughs] The Tackmeister? That fuckin' pud! Hang a loogie on him!

Joe: All right.

[Joe rolls down the window and spits at Tack, hitting Tack square in the jaw]

Tack: AW!

Hubbs: Tack, you cack!

Tack: Hey, man, I got some chicks!

Hubbs: [brings car to screeching halt] Tack's got some chicks?

Tack: Man, why'd you guys spit at me?

Hubbs: [slaps Joe on the shoulder] Joe, fag! You spit on my buddy Tack, man!

Joe: You fuckin' told me to!

[Hubbs slaps Joe again]

[repeated line]

Hubbs: Fuck me?

Lanie: C'mon, it's our last day in LA, let's at least have some fun.

Jill Wajakawakawitz: What's gonna be so fun, about watching those two burnouts get totally wasted and thrash my Dad's place?

Lanie: They're not gonna do that. I'll get 'em to take us somewhere or something.

Jill Wajakawakawitz: [Scoffs] Yeah, tell me about it. They're probably out there right now pissing in the ice tray.

Lanie: Don't be so paranoid. They're not that lame.

[Scene cuts to a floor-up view of Joe and Hubbs quietly laughing with the sound of ice tray filling with piss]

Hubbs: Ever since you got hit by that laser at that Blue Oyster Cult Show you've been acting like a pussy!

Tack: Bring on the bitches!

Joe: Technically you're his chicks.

Dad: Where do you get your values? From that stinking heavy metal music you listen to day and night?

Joe: Yeah, that's it, man. It's all the music! You know everything is just fine until we just listen to a couple of heavy metal albums. Then we get all fucked up!

Joe: Nothing happened, man. She didn't even give me head.

Joe: Shit man! I gotta get that chic's phone number. How do you spell Weijikowokawitz anyway?

Hubbs: What are you gonna fucking call her man? That's the whole point. Shes from up north! You never have to see her again! You didnt even pork her, thank god!

Joe: Hubbs, man. You just dont get it, do you? Man, I was digging on that chic!

Hubbs: What did she have like a great personality? Ahahaha! You're thinking too much pussy!

Mrs. Hankey: Don't be such a Poopydoodle!

Hubbs: We got chicks! We're gonna fuck'em doggy style and shit on their parents' bed.

Joe: What about the bikini you bought her so you could watch her out by the pool and sport wood?

Officer Dean: You guys probably think I'm a real butthead. You think I didn't want to taste a beer when I was your age? Hell, they used to call me "Dixie Cup" Dean.

Joe: Wow... that's... cool.

Norm Hankey: Tack, what are you doing here, man?

Tack: Oh, fuck you, Snot Rag, let's book!

Norm Hankey: Don't call me that, all right? My last name's Hankey.

Tack: [sarcastically] All right, Hankey. Don't have a spazz. Come on, bro, let's get us some poontang!

Officer Dean: You guys probably think I'm a real butthead. Listen, you think I didn't want to drink a bunch of beer and piss in somebody's pool when I was your age? Hell, they used to call me "Quick Dick" Dean.

Teen: More like "Limp Dick."

Jill Wajakawakawitz: Who's Crump's brother?

Hubbs: He's just some dude.

Officer Dean: You kids probably think I'm a real butthead. You think I didn't want to sneak into some girl's house when I was your age? Hell... they used to call me "Doggy Door" Dean. I was a good 2nd floor man too.