Annie: You finally get your one and only marriage and you don't accept because you see yourself in a Volvo commercial?
Woman: Mr. Karinski, 30 years old and you've spent the last 8 months coloring things.
Richard: Yes, my mother's very proud also.
Caroline: Well, um, listen I'm really tired. And I have to get up early because I'm . . . going to bed early.
Richard: So, no one liked my paintings in Rome, either. But it was just as well. After Julia left me, I couldn't paint anymore.
Caroline: She broke your heart?
Richard: No, she broke my paint brush! Of course she broke my heart. I mean I was in love with her, you know. Sincere amore. The kind of love you never have to question.
Richard: Del, were you absent the day they taught, 'Think it, don't say it?'
Richard: My fortune cookie's empty... That's also the title of my autobiography.
Del: So how do you think I came off?
Woman: A little needy.
Richard: What's with you? Oh, you've been with Del for a whole 8 minutes. He must have broken up with you again.
Caroline: Nobody ever says, 'Oh, you're going to Princeton and then to Harvard for a law degree, well, it's your life!'
Caroline: It wasn't my one and only marriage proposal. In second grade, a guy proposed to me and besides the fact that he ate paste, he was quite a catch.
Richard: Oh, come on, you're just fishing for compliments.
Woman: Is it working?
Richard: Oh, will you look at that, girl talk and me without a uterus.
Caroline: What about him?
Caroline: No ring.
Annie: He's buying over-the-calf socks.
Annie: Over-the-calf socks look better when you're dressed because there's no gap between trouser and sock when you cross your legs. Crew socks look better when you're undressed because you don't look like a dork. Obviously, this guy cares more about what he looks like dressed than undressed, ergo married.
Richard: Well, if it isn't the 8th dwarf, Easy.
Richard: 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, there were lots of mice playing, 'cuz the cat was dead.
Richard: Does this elevator go straight to Hell or do I switch in the lobby?
Shelly: . . . dinky, dink. What are you thinking?
Richard: I've got to dump her before she makes me eat whatever's in that pan. Mmm. Sure smells good.
Shelly: Bonnie Belinda, let's go give Richard a big kiss!
Richard: God, it's Richard Karinsky. Please strike me dead. Mmmm.
Shelly: Now, give her a big kiss back.
Richard: God, if you miss me, go for the dog.
[kisses the dog]
Caroline: Now, promise me you won't tell them.
Annie: What kind of person do you think I am?
Caroline: I repeat: promise me you won't tell them.
Caroline: Hey, guys.
Del: Hey, hey. What ya' been?
Annie: Well, you guys won't believe this. Caroline and I were out at the ATM on Eighth St.
Caroline: Okay, fine, let's just get it out in the open. I picked my nose and they got it on videotape. Give me your best shot. You may not get another opportunity like this. Caroline, you're so snotty. Caroline, don't be so picky.
Del: Caroline, you picked your nose?
Richard: Oh my God. And I use your pencils.
Annie: Well, I was only going to say you lost your 200 bucks, but hey.
Richard: Oh, Caroline, oh, oh Caroline, you're so good to me. I just wish the job were better.
Caroline: You know, I'm gonna let that go. Because you're the birthday boy. Now. I couldn't decide whether to buy you something like a sweater, or get you a check.
[picks up gift]
Caroline: But I decided checks are just so impersonal so happy birthday, Richard.
Richard: Great, just what I needed. Every year, another
[pulls out check]
Richard: A check?
Caroline: I decided impersonal was more you.
Jimmy: I love Cats. I've seen it 13 times.
Annie: Oh, that's really sad.
Caroline: Don't judge me. You drink from the toilet bowl.
Charlie: So I said, 'Mom and Dad, stop fighting! I'll be a doctor and a lawyer!'
Caroline: You know, life's a lot like a river: fast, furious, unpredictable. You just have to take it as it comes. Every now and then though, I wish I was one of those people who had a boat . . .
Caroline: And for my next trick I'm going to make my boyfriend disappear. I say the magic words. Opera.
Aunt: This one's full of piss and vinegar.
Del: Maybe not vinegar.
Richard: It's just a dog-eat-talking-dog world out there.
Caroline: You weren't thinking right. All that blood was rushing from your head to other places.
Woman: And now I've got to go out there and start dating weights, and I don't even know what dating weights mean, it's all metrics now.
Caroline: Thanks for answering my ad, Mr. Monroe.
Monroe: It's just 'Monroe.' One word, like 'Picasso.' Or 'Cher.' Or 'Satan!'
Richard: Oh, please, why don't you just leave her alone. Look, Caroline has some standards, something you both have learned to live without.
Caroline: Well, thank you, Richard.
Richard: Of course, if you really had standards you wouldn't have done anything that disgusting in the first place. If you'll excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.
Shelly: [turning off TV] I love that movie. You know what? We're kind of like Kermit and Miss Piggy, too, aren't we? Okay, now they take Manhattan!
Richard: That's it. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
[picks his nose]
Richard: Shelly, oh, Shelly, I understand if you're totally disgusted and you never want to see me again.
Shelly: No. That tells me that we are comfortable enough to do these things in front of each other. I'm going to go get my toenail clippers.
Caroline: Does the hospital know you're gone, Richard? Because you are, you know.
Richard: How could anyone not like the opera. Opera is transcendent. It is the most intense musical experience a person can have.
Caroline: Plus you get to wear those neat, long gloves!
Richard: You know, I'm certain that's what Mozart had in mind when he wrote The Marriage of Figaro. 'Oh, goodie, now women can accessorize!'
Caroline: Alone in the moonlight, walking hand-in-hand with a monkey. Kinda reminds me of my first date with Del!
Caroline: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Can you explain this to me? I left my Secret Italian Decoder Ring in my other purse.
Annie: Oh oh, and I met a guy. Rob Rothman.
Caroline: Wow. What's he like?
Annie: I have no idea. I was hoping you would remember him.
Caroline: Wait, you know his name but you don't remember what he looks like?
Richard: Oh, interesting variation. Usually she remembers what they look like and can't remember their names.
Annie: Well, I guess I had a tad too much punch.
Caroline: For Christmas my mom makes gingerbread men with little raisin nipples.
Annie: Oh God. One Christmas our dog Vandi stole the Baby Jesus from the Nativity scene and my mother ran through the neighborhood in her housecoat screaming 'Vandi, you eat that Baby Jesus, you're going to Doggy Hell.'
Caroline: You know if this whole thing with Richard doesn't turn out, you wanna be my mom?
Richard: Yente Center. May I help you?
Richard: I scream, you scream, may I help you?
Richard: Yeah, hold on just a minute. Fruma Duffy, it's for you. It's the bridegroom.
Annie: Sister Mary Agnes was right. Maybe I am just rotten to the core.
Jimmy: Annie Spadaro, 2-4-7-3.
Annie: My friends call me 2-4.
Jimmy: I must meet your friends. They sound like a hoot.
Richard: No wonder Van Gogh cut off his ear.
Richard: If I'd have known company was coming, I would have emptied the traps.
Jimmy: Do you know what I'm doing?
Annie: Yeah, I got a pretty good idea.
Jimmy: I'm marking you.
Richard: For one brief, shining moment the universe finally made sense!
Richard: See, I have helped you. I improved the quality of your sarcasm.
Richard: Remain calm, because I'm going to kill you.
Richard: Do you feel a draft? . . . up my butt?
Richard: Caroline, we've talked about this before, and I'll see a therapist when I'm good and ready!
Caroline: Brace yourself, I'm going to hug you.
Richard: Oh boy, oh boy, no, no, no, no, please, don't cry. I-I don't respond well to people crying.
Maddie: Well, thank you for sharing, but this really isn't about you.
Willard: Wait, you haven't heard the best part. Are you ready? Are you ready? Go to hell, you ice princess!
Annie: Hey, Richard, I could use your help with this. I need to learn how to act like a man. Who do you study with?
Annie: Can I hide in here? My mom's cooking in my apartment, and she's going to make me stir something or form balls out of something.
Richard: Joe, I'm not above kicking you.
Charlie: Now, don't ask me why, but I happen to be wearing edible underwear.
Ice Cream Guy: And do you know what I'm going to have to say?
Richard: That I broke Mr. Juicy?
Ice Cream Guy: Yeah!
Richard: I've discovered a delightful thing about winter in New York. When a bum throws up on you, you can chip it off.
Richard: Annie has a sister. Ecchh! That's like finding out there was a Chuck Hitler.
Richard: Because then he'll want to get back together but I'll have to tell him we're not getting back together but I can't do that over the phone so I'll have to go over there and then we will get back together because I'm spineless and completely co-dependent!
[Caroline gives him a strange look]
Richard: I'm sorry, I just made that last part up.
Caroline: No, it's good, keep it.
Richard: Look, Caroline, I'm not ashamed of being straight. In this day and age, I should be able to walk into that gallery with a woman on my arms and not feel like I'm being stared and gawked at like some sideshow freak.
Annie: Wow! You don't know "The Brady Bunch"? See, this is the problem with the American education system!
Cop: Get married, move to Long Island, have a couple of kids. You'll be safe.
Caroline: Did my mother send you?
Cop: Do it now while you're pretty, 'cause in 10 years you're just gonna have to get a gun.
Caroline: I just ate 24 of these cookies, but they're fat-free so it's okay.
Charlie: Sorry, sorry, I thought I saw God for a second, but it was just the light from the bathroom.
Caroline: You see, Del, you're a turtleneck kind of guy, while the Jewish man is . . . a crew neck kind of guy.
Advertising lady: Well, hello, these people have volunteered to eat breakfast cereal in the middle of the afternoon with a bunch of total strangers for money. They're ANIMALS . . . but statistically they DO represent the cereal-buying public.
Charlie: You are an idiot! And I don't get to say that very often.