Richard: In the future, when you tell your brother off in the dead of winter and storm outside, you might want to bring a coat.

Caroline: I'm fine.

Richard: Oh, please. You don't have to be proud in front of me. I've seen you eat M&Ms off the floor.

Richard: So, Donna, do you miss Rome?

Donna: Oh, no. All that traffic and noise and pollution, and rude people.

Richard: Oh, I can see why you moved to New York.

Richard: I'm very open to criticism.

Kenneth: Hmm.

Richard: Oh yeah, who the hell are you to judge my work?

Caroline: He wants to get married.

Richard: To you?

Caroline: No, to you.

Annie: You finally get your one and only marriage and you don't accept because you see yourself in a Volvo commercial?

Woman: Mr. Karinski, 30 years old and you've spent the last 8 months coloring things.

Richard: Yes, my mother's very proud also.

Richard's machine: Hello?

Caroline: Yeah, Richard, it's Caroline -

Richard's machine: Actually it's a machine, but aren't we all?

Caroline: So now you decide to develop a sense of humor?

Maitre D: I put them at the VIP table.

Caroline: The VIP table?

Maitre D: Very Irritating Pains-in-the-Butt.

Caroline: [doorbell] I'll get it.

Richard: I'll get it.

Caroline: No, I'll get it.

Richard: I said I'll get it.

Caroline: Fine, then you get it.

Richard: You wanna get it so bad, then you get it.

Caroline: Well, um, listen I'm really tired. And I have to get up early because I'm . . . going to bed early.

Richard: So, no one liked my paintings in Rome, either. But it was just as well. After Julia left me, I couldn't paint anymore.

Caroline: She broke your heart?

Richard: No, she broke my paint brush! Of course she broke my heart. I mean I was in love with her, you know. Sincere amore. The kind of love you never have to question.

Richard: Excuse me. What do you people think I do on my birthday?

Caroline: I don't know. I just assumed you curled up with a handful of dirt from your homeland and waited 'til dawn.

Richard: Nope that's New Year's.

Del: [entering] Oh, hey, Richard. Sweetie?

Richard: Sweetie isn't here.

Del: Where is she?

Richard: Ah, reading to the blind, gynecologist. Who listens?

Del: What do you mean? You're going to give up $200 just because you're a little embarrassed? I'd walk down the street naked for $200...

Caroline: You'd do that for 15, we already determined that last Halloween.

Annie: Hey you didn't stay 'til the end of my New Year's Eve Party.

Caroline: Sorry, I just couldn't make a three-day commitment.

Natalie Karinsky: Look at you. Why are you all dressed in black?

Richard: I'm a ninja warrior now, Mother.

Caroline: You're Richard's mother?

Natalie Karinsky: Oh, did he tell you I was dead? Usually he tells everyone I'm dead.

Annie: No. He said you lived in Utah.

Natalie Karinsky: Utah? I'd rather be dead.

Richard: OK, one Christmas morning, I wake up, I run into the living room and my mother says 'I just forgot'.

Annie: OK, no more calls. We have a winner.

Caroline: What's happening, Charlie?

Charlie: Well I heard on the news that they found these crows in New Mexico that use tools. They're closing in on us, man. I don't even own tools.

Joe: What are you working on?

Richard: Not throwing you out the window.

Joe: How's it going?

Richard: Not so good.

Caroline: Is it true that one Christmas---

Natalie Karinsky: Is he still bringing that up? We're JEWISH!!

Richard: Del, were you absent the day they taught, 'Think it, don't say it?'

Caroline: Are you going to untie me?

Richard: Not today.

Richard: Oh, God, I hate Mondays.

Caroline: It's Tuesday, Richard.

Richard: I know, I'm still trying to get over yesterday.

Richard: My fortune cookie's empty... That's also the title of my autobiography.

Caroline: Oh, that is so sweet!

Del: Really? 'Cause when I was saying it, I was thinking, 'Boy, is this sounding stupid.'

Del: So how do you think I came off?

Woman: A little needy.

Richard: What's with you? Oh, you've been with Del for a whole 8 minutes. He must have broken up with you again.

Caroline: Nobody ever says, 'Oh, you're going to Princeton and then to Harvard for a law degree, well, it's your life!'

Caroline: It wasn't my one and only marriage proposal. In second grade, a guy proposed to me and besides the fact that he ate paste, he was quite a catch.

Richard: Oh, come on, you're just fishing for compliments.

Woman: Is it working?

Richard: Oh, will you look at that, girl talk and me without a uterus.

Caroline: You know, you could try being nicer to him.

Richard: Yeah, and I could watch Tori Spelling play Medea. But life is just too short.

Annie: That's how she was going to accept his proposal! It's so romantic!

Richard: How do you know it was a marriage proposal? It could have been a suicide pact.

Annie: Somebody wasn't breast-fed!

Richard: Somebody doesn't have breasts!

Richard: I'm stuck!

Del: What do you mean?

Richard: I'm stuck. Are you having trouble with "I'm" or "stuck"?

Del: No way, Phil could never afford to buy her those things on what I paid him.

Charlie: Probably bought it with the money he was embezzling.

Del: What?!

Charlie: He was embezzling, skimming off the top, robbing you blind, spanking the monkey. Oh wait, that's something else.

Caroline: What about him?

Annie: Married.

Caroline: No ring.

Annie: He's buying over-the-calf socks.

Caroline: So?

Annie: Over-the-calf socks look better when you're dressed because there's no gap between trouser and sock when you cross your legs. Crew socks look better when you're undressed because you don't look like a dork. Obviously, this guy cares more about what he looks like dressed than undressed, ergo married.

Del: I guess you're right, Charlie. Phil was embezzling.

Charlie: Told you. But what does it matter? It's a big company.

Del: It's MY company!

Charlie: Oh yeah, good point. But that makes you "the man". And we wanna bring down "the man".

Richard: Well, if it isn't the 8th dwarf, Easy.

Police Officer: We're looking for a Mr. Richard Karinsky.

Caroline: Why?

Richard: Because my life is like a Kafka novel.

Richard: 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, there were lots of mice playing, 'cuz the cat was dead.

[Salty jumps into Richard's lap]

Richard: How anecdotal. Can you please just make it disappear?

Caroline: I'm sorry. Are you allergic?

Richard: No, I just don't like cats or dogs or anything that runs up to you and pees on your feet when you come home.

Richard: Does this elevator go straight to Hell or do I switch in the lobby?

Shelly: . . . dinky, dink. What are you thinking?

Richard: I've got to dump her before she makes me eat whatever's in that pan. Mmm. Sure smells good.

Shelly: Bonnie Belinda, let's go give Richard a big kiss!

Richard: God, it's Richard Karinsky. Please strike me dead. Mmmm.

Shelly: Now, give her a big kiss back.

Richard: God, if you miss me, go for the dog.

[kisses the dog]

Caroline: Now, promise me you won't tell them.

Annie: What kind of person do you think I am?

Caroline: I repeat: promise me you won't tell them.

[they enter]

Caroline: Hey, guys.

Del: Hey, hey. What ya' been?

Annie: Well, you guys won't believe this. Caroline and I were out at the ATM on Eighth St.

Caroline: Okay, fine, let's just get it out in the open. I picked my nose and they got it on videotape. Give me your best shot. You may not get another opportunity like this. Caroline, you're so snotty. Caroline, don't be so picky.

Del: Caroline, you picked your nose?

Richard: Oh my God. And I use your pencils.

Annie: Well, I was only going to say you lost your 200 bucks, but hey.

Richard: Oh, Caroline, oh, oh Caroline, you're so good to me. I just wish the job were better.

Caroline: I'm not going to let them get away with this. I'm going to mock them in my comic strip.

Richard: No, no, no. Caroline, please. Remember when you mocked the electric company? I'm not working by candlelight again.

Caroline: You know, I'm gonna let that go. Because you're the birthday boy. Now. I couldn't decide whether to buy you something like a sweater, or get you a check.

[picks up gift]

Caroline: But I decided checks are just so impersonal so happy birthday, Richard.

[opens paper]

Richard: Great, just what I needed. Every year, another

[pulls out check]

Richard: A check?

Caroline: I decided impersonal was more you.

Aunt Mary: Nice to meet you, Richard.

Annie: Boy, there's a phrase you don't hear too often.

Richard: She just stopped by to remind me that my life is an endless purgatory, interrupted by profound moments of misery.

Caroline: It's been a while since I've heard the phrase 'unending purgatory.' Welcome back.

Caroline: Richard, I can't believe we brought a baby into this world.

Richard: Well, Vicki did most of the work.

Charlie: What flavor do you think I am? Don't cheat.

Richard: Lobotomy chunk?

Richard: Donna, I'm sorry were gonna have to call this off; my wife gets very jealous.

Caroline: I can't believe you, bringing another one of your women up here. While I'm at home feeding little Richard. And on our anniversary. He's not even a painter, you know. He's a beast.

Richard: Thanks.

Caroline: You're welcome.

Richard: Slap was a bit much.

Caroline: That was for ignoring me in the restaurant.

Richard: Mother . . .

Natalie Karinsky: Richard I am so glad you came by before I left.

Richard: You can do it to your kids, you can do it to Dad, but you cannot do it to Caroline.

Richard: Mother, buy a gun, it will be faster.

Caroline: But not nearly as much fun.

Richard: Is she gone yet?

Caroline: Yeah, Richard, she left.

Annie: Give your mommy a kiss . . . it hurts to talk like that.

Annie: Oh oh, there he is. Places.

Caroline: Annie, maybe you shouldn't.

Annie: Mrs. Karinsky, can we screw with your kid's head?

Natalie Karinsky: That's usually a mother's job but what the hell. Go for it.

Richard: OK, OK, well you've all met Lady Bracknall. So let the games begin.

Caroline: Well, she really didn't say much but your imaginary friend Adam, he spilled his guts.

Annie: Yeah, Mr. Bedwetter.

Richard: I can't believe she told you that.

Annie: She didn't, gotcha. Five bucks.

Annie: Happy birthday, Tightass!

Richard: Thanks a lot, Tart.

Caroline: I still have William Shatner's Christmas album if it'll put you in the mood.

Richard: Yeah, to climb up a clock tower and thin out the neighborhood.

Jimmy: I love Cats. I've seen it 13 times.

Annie: Oh, that's really sad.

Caroline: I've seen Annie naked.

Richard: Who hasn't?

Annie: I'm getting audited by the IRS!

Richard: Oh, goodie, Santa got my letter.

Caroline: Don't judge me. You drink from the toilet bowl.

Annie: Richie can't drive.

Richard: This is true, but if you lay down in the street I'll give it a try.

Caroline: Hey, Richard, how was your New Year's Eve?

Richard: Oh, sublime. Scott and Zelda and I shared a cab over to the Stork Club where we drank pink champagne out of Zelda's slipper.

Caroline: You know, a simple "I stayed in" would have sufficed.

Charlie: So I said, 'Mom and Dad, stop fighting! I'll be a doctor and a lawyer!'

Advertising Lady: You want a puppet? Get her a puppet!

Richard: She already has one. Me.

Caroline: And if you're really good, maybe someday you'll turn into a real boy.

Caroline: Maybe you've heard of her? Donna Spadaro? She had that big hit back in the eighties, "On Black Top Road".

Richard: Oh, right, On Black Top Road. Yeah, of course I remember.

Caroline: You do?

Richard: No, but I was afraid you'd sing it to me.

Richard: This is ridiculous. I'm taking my lunch break. Del, I don't want any part in this.

Del: Oh come on, Richard.

Richard: Back off. gentile.

Caroline: You know, life's a lot like a river: fast, furious, unpredictable. You just have to take it as it comes. Every now and then though, I wish I was one of those people who had a boat . . .

Caroline: Richard, why is all your furniture in the hall?

Richard: We had to pee.

Caroline: And for my next trick I'm going to make my boyfriend disappear. I say the magic words. Opera.

Aunt: This one's full of piss and vinegar.

Del: Maybe not vinegar.

Del: Not getting a pedicure.

Joseph: Oh, go ahead. Treat yourself.

Richard: It's just a dog-eat-talking-dog world out there.

Caroline: You weren't thinking right. All that blood was rushing from your head to other places.

Woman: And now I've got to go out there and start dating weights, and I don't even know what dating weights mean, it's all metrics now.

Richard: I've never flown first class before.

Caroline: The stewardesses have sex with you.

Richard: Yeah, right.

Del: Sometimes they really do.

Del: It doesn't have to be the worst time in your life.

Caroline: Isn't that the slogan for Euro-Disney?

Richard: I'm the one doing the mural on the Reisman Building.

Secretary: Oh, right, the painter!

Richard: Uh, artist.

Secretary: What's the difference?

Richard: I don't have to wear a little white hat.

Caroline: Thanks for answering my ad, Mr. Monroe.

Monroe: It's just 'Monroe.' One word, like 'Picasso.' Or 'Cher.' Or 'Satan!'

Del: Of all the people for this to happen to. I mean, you won't even floss in front of me.

Caroline: Hey, hey, hey. We all have our own little thing. Who locks the bathroom door even when he's all alone?

Del: I'm working on that.

Richard: Oh, please, why don't you just leave her alone. Look, Caroline has some standards, something you both have learned to live without.

Caroline: Well, thank you, Richard.

Richard: Of course, if you really had standards you wouldn't have done anything that disgusting in the first place. If you'll excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.

Shelly: [turning off TV] I love that movie. You know what? We're kind of like Kermit and Miss Piggy, too, aren't we? Okay, now they take Manhattan!

Richard: That's it. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

[picks his nose]

Shelly: Richard!

Richard: Shelly, oh, Shelly, I understand if you're totally disgusted and you never want to see me again.

Shelly: No. That tells me that we are comfortable enough to do these things in front of each other. I'm going to go get my toenail clippers.

Richard: Ahhh!

Caroline: Does the hospital know you're gone, Richard? Because you are, you know.

Caroline: You know, Aunt Mary, since the railroads, we can get foodstuffs in New York.

Aunt Mary: Don't sass your Auntie. Oh, Richard, thank you so much.

[hands him a coin]

Aunt Mary: This is for you.

Caroline: You know, you don't have to tip Richard.

Richard: Don't sass your Auntie.

Richard: How could anyone not like the opera. Opera is transcendent. It is the most intense musical experience a person can have.

Caroline: Plus you get to wear those neat, long gloves!

Richard: You know, I'm certain that's what Mozart had in mind when he wrote The Marriage of Figaro. 'Oh, goodie, now women can accessorize!'

Caroline: Alone in the moonlight, walking hand-in-hand with a monkey. Kinda reminds me of my first date with Del!

Caroline: Richard, why are you so nervous? Donna's gone.

Richard: Caroline, I spent the afternoon with a mobster's girlfriend and she was naked. They cut off your tongue if you squeal. God only knows what they cut off for this.

Caroline: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Can you explain this to me? I left my Secret Italian Decoder Ring in my other purse.

Annie: Oh oh, and I met a guy. Rob Rothman.

Caroline: Wow. What's he like?

Annie: I have no idea. I was hoping you would remember him.

Caroline: Wait, you know his name but you don't remember what he looks like?

Richard: Oh, interesting variation. Usually she remembers what they look like and can't remember their names.

Annie: Well, I guess I had a tad too much punch.

Annie: All right you buy something for Del that cost the same. You keep the bracelet for yourself. Then nobody is selfish, everybody is generous and you've got 25 new best friends.

Caroline: Annie, that's a total rationalization.

Annie: Thank you.

Caroline: No, thank you.

Richard: Would ya look at that, Salvador Dali actually wrote my name. Why didn't she tell me?

Annie: In case you missed the point of the letter, he said you sucked.

Natalie Karinsky: Oh, she's a doll. Are you two . . .?

Richard: Windshield Wipers?

Annie: Richard is going to freak. Caroline, listen to this. Joseph, say it.

Joseph: OK, dirtbag. Hands on the wall and spread 'em.

Annie: Don't you just love that!

Del: I'm late for work.

Lady: Oh, hey, hey, Do you want to meet Elle McPherson?

Del: Elle McPherson?

Lady: Right in there

Del: Oh, come on.

Lady: Fine, don't believe me.

Del: Is she really?

Lady: Come, I introduce you. What's your name?

Del: Del.

Lady: Del. Elle. Elle. Del. Now give me your feet.

Caroline: There's the dirtbag now.

Annie: Since when does he knock?

Caroline: Since he walked in on Del doing pushups in the nude.

Caroline: For Christmas my mom makes gingerbread men with little raisin nipples.

Annie: Oh God. One Christmas our dog Vandi stole the Baby Jesus from the Nativity scene and my mother ran through the neighborhood in her housecoat screaming 'Vandi, you eat that Baby Jesus, you're going to Doggy Hell.'

Caroline: You know if this whole thing with Richard doesn't turn out, you wanna be my mom?

Richard: Yente Center. May I help you?

Richard: I scream, you scream, may I help you?

Annie: Richard, you've met my mother.

Richard: Ah, yes of course, charmed. Rosemary's Mother.

Richard: Yeah, hold on just a minute. Fruma Duffy, it's for you. It's the bridegroom.

Annie: Sister Mary Agnes was right. Maybe I am just rotten to the core.

Richard: So, you're jealous of this guy.

Del: No, I just don't like the idea of a good-looking guy out with my girlfriend.

Richard: I know someone who's getting a dictionary for Christmas.

Del: Here, Richard, have a mug.

Caroline: Don't drink out of it though.

Richard: That's the story of my life.

Jimmy: Annie Spadaro, 2-4-7-3.

Annie: My friends call me 2-4.

Jimmy: I must meet your friends. They sound like a hoot.

Richard: No wonder Van Gogh cut off his ear.

Richard: If I'd have known company was coming, I would have emptied the traps.

Caroline: How are you getting on with your neighbors?

Richard: Not as well as they're getting on with each other.

Jimmy: Do you know what I'm doing?

Annie: Yeah, I got a pretty good idea.

Jimmy: I'm marking you.

Del: When Caroline and I were going together, I slept over 7 nights a week!

Richard: Difference is, he doesn't sleep.

Annie: He says 'I love you', and you say 'thanks'?!

Caroline: He's been saying I love you all day, and I already used 'Yep', 'I know', and "Uh, hey, what's that over there!"

Richard: Oh yes. It's always been a dream of mine to get soggy in milk.

Annie: I got news for you, bud . . .

Del: You're Jewish. Can't you help me out?

Richard: What, you want me to stand outside her window and be your Cyrano de Berkowitz?

Annie: What are you doin'?

Richard: I'm going home. The same thing you do after you get out of bed and find your clothes.

Richard: For one brief, shining moment the universe finally made sense!

Richard: See, I have helped you. I improved the quality of your sarcasm.

Richard: Remain calm, because I'm going to kill you.

Richard: This is intolerable!

Annie: Ohh! SAT word. I'm out of here.

Caroline: I'm not a crier!

Richard: Spend a year on this side of the desk.

Del: Her name is Risa Glickman. Doesn't that sound like music?

Richard: Yeah, if you're between stations.

Del: Teach me some basic Jewish small talk! Who's the guy on roof?

Richard: Me, in about 10 minutes if you don't leave me alone!

Joe: Caroline, honey, we have a problem.

Annie: No, Joe, it's only if her urine turns the stick blue.

Del: Richard, tell me this operation doesn't hurt.

Richard: How should I know? I was 8 days old. I was still rejecting my mother's breast.

Richard: Do you feel a draft? . . . up my butt?

Caroline: Richard, you can't just pretend that nothing happened.

Richard: That's the beauty of being repressed, I can.

Richard: Caroline, we've talked about this before, and I'll see a therapist when I'm good and ready!

Caroline: Brace yourself, I'm going to hug you.

Richard: Oh boy, oh boy, no, no, no, no, please, don't cry. I-I don't respond well to people crying.

Maddie: Well, thank you for sharing, but this really isn't about you.

Annie: My mother is driving me crazy!

Caroline: That reminds me. I need to get a new phone.

Willard: Wait, you haven't heard the best part. Are you ready? Are you ready? Go to hell, you ice princess!

Annie: Hey, Richard, I could use your help with this. I need to learn how to act like a man. Who do you study with?

Del: You know, Caroline was right about you. You do suck the joy out of everything.

Richard: Tell your friends.

Annie: Can I hide in here? My mom's cooking in my apartment, and she's going to make me stir something or form balls out of something.

Richard: Joe, I'm not above kicking you.

Richard: You could just say Russian names until my ears bleed.

Caroline: Then what would we do for New Year's?

Joe: We always stay at your place.

Caroline: Yeah, well, I clean.

Richard: There's a form in this marble that I'm trying to liberate and I'm just waiting for it to speak to me.

Caroline: Maybe you should buy it dinner.

Caroline: You took a leap.

Richard: If you tell me to turn my frown upside down, I swear I'm gonna vomit.

Joe: He just peed on my fruton!

Caroline: You said you weren't bringing your fruton!

Joe: I'm not now!

Caroline: What's wrong with me?

Richard: Other than the fact that you qualify as an open container?

Charlie: Hey! Cut it out!

Del: Charlie, that's the stick shift!

Charlie: Either way, I'm flattered.

Charlie: Now, don't ask me why, but I happen to be wearing edible underwear.

Richard: You want some coffee? What am I talking about, I don't have any coffee. How about some brown water?

Caroline: I love brown water.

Caroline: I remember the last time I wore those pumps, I was at Joe's, and we were playing twister, and I was on top . . .

Richard: Please don't finish that sentence.

Ice Cream Guy: And do you know what I'm going to have to say?

Richard: That I broke Mr. Juicy?

Ice Cream Guy: Yeah!

Richard: I've discovered a delightful thing about winter in New York. When a bum throws up on you, you can chip it off.

Richard: Annie has a sister. Ecchh! That's like finding out there was a Chuck Hitler.

Caroline: Richard, I'm gonna call you in an hour and if you don't answer, I'm coming over.

Richard: Caroline, you're a cartoonist. What are you gonna do? Draw the chalk outline around me?

Detective: Sorry, she can't. It's a union job.

Richard: Because then he'll want to get back together but I'll have to tell him we're not getting back together but I can't do that over the phone so I'll have to go over there and then we will get back together because I'm spineless and completely co-dependent!

[Caroline gives him a strange look]

Richard: I'm sorry, I just made that last part up.

Caroline: No, it's good, keep it.

Richard: Look, Caroline, I'm not ashamed of being straight. In this day and age, I should be able to walk into that gallery with a woman on my arms and not feel like I'm being stared and gawked at like some sideshow freak.

Annie: Wow! You don't know "The Brady Bunch"? See, this is the problem with the American education system!

Cop: Get married, move to Long Island, have a couple of kids. You'll be safe.

Caroline: Did my mother send you?

Cop: Do it now while you're pretty, 'cause in 10 years you're just gonna have to get a gun.

Caroline: I just ate 24 of these cookies, but they're fat-free so it's okay.

Richard: Uh, does anybody tell the women about these rules?

Johnny: Do you tell a football what time the game is? Come on!

Charlie: Sorry, sorry, I thought I saw God for a second, but it was just the light from the bathroom.

Caroline: Del, that's "Fried Green Tomatoes".

Del: Oh yeah, I love this movie. That Mary Stuart Jessica Louise Parker really cracks me up.

Caroline: Richard, what could you possibly have against cereal? Don't you watch the commercials? It's part of a complete breakfast.

Richard: So is sand, as long as the other part is actual food.

Caroline: You see, Del, you're a turtleneck kind of guy, while the Jewish man is . . . a crew neck kind of guy.

Advertising lady: Well, hello, these people have volunteered to eat breakfast cereal in the middle of the afternoon with a bunch of total strangers for money. They're ANIMALS . . . but statistically they DO represent the cereal-buying public.

Charlie: You're from Italy, Remo . . . didn't you have a society in your midst who lived by its own laws, who answered to nobody?

Remo: Yes. The Catholic Church.

Annie: There's no such word as dummo!

Richard: And what language employs the usage of the word freako?

Charlie: You are an idiot! And I don't get to say that very often.

Johnny: What happened to you?

Del: I got a facial peel. It makes me look 10 years younger.

Johnny: It makes you look like an Orangutang's butt!