Zoey: [while watching Cybill do a scene in her unfunny sitcom] I would laugh harder at my own autopsy.
Maryann Thorpe: [spying on her ex-husband and singing to the tune of "I've Been Workin' On The Railroad"] The eyes of Maryann are on you, all the live long day/You hired a lawyer and divorced me, but you can't get away.
Maryann Thorpe: Did I ever tell you I superglued his penis to his thigh?
Zoey: It's like I'm roasting on a spit in hell, and you two are there with chefs hats and barbeque tongs.
Maryann Thorpe: My mouth feels like I just swallowed sheep.
Zoey: People with cute nicknames should be used for food.
Maryann Thorpe: Searing pain! Nerve damage! Temporary blindness! The taste of burnt pennies!
[Cybill is talking about how she gave up a major role in "The Godfather"]
Cybill Sheridan: I could have had Diane Keaton's part, but I gave it up for a role in a major motion picture starring... ABBA.
Maryann Thorpe: Stink-o-rama! Loser! Must Pee TV!
Backup Singers: [to a Samba beat, as Cybil dances and sexily holds two large coconuts in front of her] Coconuts, coconuts, co- co- co- coconuts.