Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995)
Mel Brooks: Professor Van Helsing
Photos
Quotes
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[after Van Helsing and Johnanthan have returned from driving a stake through Lucy's heart]
Dr. Seward : I don't understand it! he's covered in blood and there's not a drop on you!
Van Helsing : I have been to many stakings- you have to know where to stand! You know, everything in life is location, location, location...
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Van Helsing : Count Dracula. Hmm, curious. Are you descended from Vlad Tepes? The first Dracula?
Dr. Seward : Tepes?
Van Helsing : Ya. It means 'The Impaler.' He was a blood-thirsty butchah. He inflicted unspeakable tortures on the peasants: cutting off their hands and feet, gouging out their eyes and then impaling them on iron spikes!
Dracula : They had it coming.
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Van Helsing : [examining Lucy's throat with a magnifying lens] Three tiny puncture Marks on her Throat...
Dr. Seward : Three?
Van Helsing : [breathes on and polishes the lens] Two. Two tiny Puncture marks on her throat.
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Jonathan Harker : Are you saying that Count Dracula is our vampire?
Van Helsing : Yes!... and no...
Jonathan Harker : Then what are you saying?
Van Helsing : I'm saying no. But I'm leeeeaning towards yes.
Dr. Seward : Then you're saying yes.
Van Helsing : No.
Dr. Seward : Then you're saying no.
Van Helsing : Not necessarily.
Jonathan Harker : You sound dubious.
Van Helsing : No -I'm positive!
Jonathan Harker : Of what?
Van Helsing : Of my theory!
Jonathan Harker : And that would be?
Van Helsing : The theory of Yes- or no.
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Dr. Seward : Count Dracula, allow me to introduce Professor Abraham Van Helsing of London University. He's a doctor of rare diseases as well as theology and philosophy.
Van Helsing : And gynaecology.
Dr. Seward : Oh, I didn't know you had your hand in that, too.
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[Jonathan had just impaled Lucy, and was hit by two rounds of blood]
Jonathan Harker : Oh! This is - this is ghastly!
Van Helsing : Yes, you're right. We should have put newspapers down!
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Jonathan Harker : Oh... my... GOD! There's so much blood!
Van Helsing : She just ate!
Jonathan Harker : Oh! She's still alive!
Van Helsing : Hit her again!
Jonathan Harker : No no, I can't.
Van Helsing : How much blood can she have left?
[Jonathan hits the stake more lightly and even more blood sprays out than before]
Van Helsing : She's almost dead!
Jonathan Harker : She's dead enough.
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Van Helsing : Where did her blood go? There's nothing on the pillow case, or her nightgown.
[to Dr. Seward]
Van Helsing : Can you explain zhat?
[looks at Jonathan]
Van Helsing : Can you explain zhat?
Dr. Seward : No, I can't explain zhat.
Jonathan Harker : I can't explain zhat, either.
Van Helsing : No one can explain zhat!
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[last lines]
Van Helsing : Foushta!
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Jonathan Harker : [having been told to drive a stake into Lucy] Oh, that's horrible. Is there no other way?
Van Helsing : One other. We could cut off her head, stuff her mouth with garlic and tear off her ears!
Jonathan Harker : [after a moment's thought] Give me the stake.
[pauses again]
Jonathan Harker : No. No, I can't do it... you do it!
Van Helsing : It must be done by one who loved her in life!
Jonathan Harker : I only liked her!
Van Helsing : Close enough!
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Van Helsing : Why don't we have a look at the brain?
Woodbridge : [smiling] Mhm.
Van Helsing : First we crack open the skull, like so.
[bashes the corpse's head with a big hammer]
Van Helsing : Behold the naked human brain... Examine it!
[throws the brain to Woodbridge]
Woodbridge : [screams and faints]
