Grandpa: What the... what the hell is this?
John: That's lite beer.
Grandpa: Gee, I weigh ninety goddamn pounds, and you bring me this sloppin' foam?
John: Ariel's got me on a diet because the doc said my cholestorol's a little too high.
Grandpa: Well let me tell you something now, Johnny. Last Thursday, I turned 95 years old. And I never exercised a day in my life. Every morning, I wake up, and I smoke a cigarette. And then I eat five strips of bacon. And for lunch, I eat a bacon sandwich. And for a midday snack?
Grandpa: Bacon! A whole damn plate! And I usually drink my dinner. Now according to all of them flat-belly experts, I should've took a dirt nap like thirty years ago. But each year comes and goes, and I'm still here. Ha! And they keep dyin'. You know? Sometimes I wonder if God forgot about me. Just goes to show you, huh?
John: Goes to show you what?
Grandpa: Well it just goes... what the hell are you talkin' about?
John: Well you said you drink beer, you eat bacon and you smoke cigarettes, and you outlive most of the experts.
John: I thought maybe there was a moral.
Grandpa: No, there ain't no moral. I just like that story. That's all. Like that story.
Grandpa: And then the Mama Bear said, "Somebody's been sleeping in my bed, too!" And finally, the Baby Bear looked and he said, "Somebody's sleeping in my bed, and the bastard's still there!" But Goldylocks had a Remington semi-automatic, with a scope and a hair-trigger!
Allie, Melanie's Daughter: That's not the way it goes!
Grandpa: And that was the end of the Three Bears.
Grandpa: [to Mama Regatti in the produce section of the market] How about you come back to my place and I'll show you my man-size canalloni.
Max Goldman: If my dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards.
Max Goldman: [singing] I just met a girl named Maria! And now I plainly see, she's not the bitch I thought she would be!
[the elder Mr. Gustafson has passed away]
Max: I knew your old man longer than I knew my own.
John: He was always very fond of you, Max.
Max: He was a good man.
John: The best.
Max: You know I didn't mean what I said about Melanie.
John: And you know how I really feel about Jacob.
Max: Yeah, well, he deserves to be happy.
John: He deserves Melanie.
Max: Hmmmm. Well, whaddya wanna do now?
John: You wanna get drunk?
Max: [to John after Maria dumps spaghetti sauce on them] Do you think we should ask her for some garlic bread?
[about talking to one's plants]
Max Goldman: I got a cactus in my bathroom, but we got nothing to say to each other.
Max: Eat my shorts.
[John charges at Max in a boat]
Max Goldman: You don't have the balls to take me on any more. Ariel's got you neutered.
Mama Ragetti: [has called for a silence in Italian] I know my Maria, she wants nothing to do with that man
Mama Ragetti: .
Ariel Gustafson: Oh yeah, how would you know that?
Mama Ragetti: Because, she wants that man
Mama Ragetti: .
[Maria is frustrated with her mother as she leaves in her robe. Ariel forgives John for her false accusations about him cheating on her]
Grandpa: What's the matter, beautiful? You're meaner than a dog shitting tacks.
Max Goldman: First it was Mae, then it was Ariel, and now it is Maria!