Howling: New Moon Rising (1995)

I can't say what the worst movie ever made is, but Howling VII is certainly my pick for 'worst movie that makes me laugh so hard my sides hurt every time I see it'. Which is a pretty big honor, really. Man, if there's anyone out there who's never seen this movie (I bet there's a few of you), trust me, you've got to rent it sometime. To give credit where it's due, this 'werewolf' movie tried to be something a little different: a combination horror-film/country-western-musical. Yeah, that always works. With no actors either. To save money they cast the local yokels living in this town to play... themselves. Hmmm, that seems like a good idea too. Wonder what went wrong?

You know, the fact this movie got produced at all is amazing. The fact this movie was produced by New Line Cinema is really amazing.

But taken for what it is, Howling VII is the best of its kind - I mean, they literally got everything wrong. The direction just isn't happening - the 'actors' sort of wonder around while on camera, blurting out memorized lines of dialogue at awkward intervals; the jokes (and there's lot's of em!) aren't remotely funny even if you're really drunk (like they were - seriously, just watch it); the music, as performed by our multi-talented cast, ranges charmingly inept to embarrassing; and, uh, there's no werewolves, just a few red-tinted pov shots.

Well, that last one's not entirely true; there is one unfortunate werewolf appearance - but it's in the last 30 seconds of the movie. Which is odd, since its transformation scene is the big showcase of the movie. (Remember - New Line Cinema produced this - the guys who are spending $360 million on Lord of the Rings). Anyway, the aforementioned scene is accomplished by digitally stretching the "actor's" face horizontally. That's it - bang, your face is stretched, you're a werewolf (my Sony 8mm Camcorder can do this).

There's also a detective's investigation side-plot which is so poorly executed you'd swear they were making a satire. Except these scenes are played without a trace of irony. All in all the whole movie is so innocent and hapless you can't believe it was made in the 90's.

Great fun, but not perfect. The one complaint I have is that, while most of the movie is rather good-natured (in a rather mind-bogglingly idiotic way), there's one unenjoyable part towards the end where our hero gets tortured by a sadistic policeman (who later becomes werewolf food - er, red-tinted-lens food). The movie is mean-spirited here, and this LOOOOONG scene is one I usually have to fast-forward. Not that it's gruesome or revolting (I mean, it's not like this is supposed to be a horror movie or anything) - it's just boring. But then we're back with the gang doing a campfire-sing-a-long in no time, and all's well.

Anyway, I could write pages and pages on this movie, but you get the point. I voted it a 1 since it's one of the three worst movies I've ever seen, but it's in my top 10 list of favourite films of all time. These types of movies can never be intentionally made, they just have to happen. And boy, something happened.