[first lines, Theatrical Version]
Brodie: [voice-over] One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck up his ass. True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrasing for my relatives and all, but next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So, I run into him a week later in the mall and he's buying another cat. And I says to him, "Jesus, Walt! What are you doing? You know you're just gonna get this cat stuck up your ass too. Why don't you knock it off?" And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy.
Stan Lee: You know, I think you ought to get him some help. He seems to be really hung up on super heroes' sex organs.
T.S. Quint: But they're engaged.
Brodie: Doesn't matter, it can't happen.
T.S. Quint: Why not? It's bound to come up.
Brodie: It's impossible. Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle his sperm? I guarantee he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry his child?
T.S. Quint: Sure, why not?
Brodie: He's an alien, for Christ sake. His Kyrptonian biological makeup is enhanced by Earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan, the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a Kryptonite condom, but that would kill him.
T.S. Quint: How is it that I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi to Man of Steel coital debates with you in the food court?
Brodie: Cookie stand isn't part of the food court.
T.S. Quint: Of course it is.
Brodie: The food court is downstairs. The cookie stand is upstairs. It not like we're talking quantum physics here.
T.S. Quint: The cookie stands counts as an eatery, eateries are part of the food court.
Brodie: Bullshit! Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs qualify as food court. Anything outside, of said designated square, is considered an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking. Now, if you're going to wax intellectual about the subject...
Brandi: Second suitor, would you ever make whoopie in public?
Brodie: I already did once today.
[clicks his finger at Renee]
Brodie: But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on a plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane started spinning around, going out of control, so he decides it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad. So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, snap! The hydraulics kick back in. The plane rights itself and it land safely and everyone puts their pieces or, whatever, you know, away and deboard. No one mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.
Gil Hicks: [beat] Well, did he cum, or what?
Brodie: Jesus *Christ*, man! There's just some things you don't talk about in public!
Brodie: You're giving up? You? You used to be stand-up guy, what happened to him? The guy who punched Amanda Gross's mother after she called him "low class".
T.S. Quint: That wasn't me. It was you.
Brodie: Oh, yeah.
T.S. Quint: And it wasn't her mother, it was her grandmother.
Brodie: No wonder the bitch went down so fast.
Brodie: I took you shopping all the time!
[Banging his hands against the elevator wall]
Rene: You took me where you went shopping, you jerk! You think I care what store in that shitpit dirt mall has the latest Godzilla bootlegs? Do you call eating pizza in the same dive pizzeria every night eating out? Do I give a shit when two major comic book labels are crossing over characters, selling two editions of the same book in varied-ink chromium covers? I'm a girl, damn it! I wanna do girly things! Like fix up someone's hair and get phone calls expressing romantic sentiments!
Brandi: Suitor number 3, is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake or a jackhammer?
Gil Hicks: Definitely a jackhammer, I'm in there with some pressure and when I'm done, you're not the same as before. You're changed.
Brodie: Where do you come up with this shit? That's the cheesiest response to an honest question I have ever heard. I saw you kiss and it wasn't anything like that.
Bob Summers: [Chuckling] Suitor #2, you'll have to wait until you're addressed before you respond.
Brodie: Richard Dawson, why don't you just go back to your podium until it's time to play The Feud. All right?
Gil Hicks: Who the hell did you see me kiss?
Brodie: Some dude backstage. I don't know who he was but he seemed unimpressed.
Gil Hicks: I didn't kiss any guy backstage. I swear. I'm not gay.
Brodie: Hey, Suitorette, this guys a homophobe. You heard how repulsed he sounded. Is this the kind of guy you want to spend a vacation with? This hate-monger?
Gil Hicks: I don't hate gay people.
Brodie: So you love them?
Gil Hicks: Yes. I mean no.
Brodie: Textbook closet case self-loather. Can't be comfortable with his own sexuality.
Jay: [as Silent Bob is 'flying' across the mall towards the stage] Fly, Fatass, fly!
Little Girl: [looking at a Magic Eye poster] Wow. It's a schooner.
Willam Black: Ha ha ha ha. You dumb bastard. It's not a schooner... it's a Sailboat.
Little Boy: A schooner IS a sailboat stupid head!
Willam Black: [becoming enraged] You know what? There is NO Easter Bunny! Over there, that's just a guy in a suit!
[the videotape of Shannon back-dooring Trica is playing on the big screen, with cheesy 70s porno music in background]
Shannon Hamilton: Yeah, who's your favourite New Kid. Yeah, call me Joey. Oh, come on. Don't make me get loose. Yeah, that's right. Call me Donnie. Oh, girl. Oh, please don't go girl.
Jay: Goddamn. This is one wacky game show.
Brodie: [to the cops] Hey! That girl's only 15!
[cops focus their attention on Shannon]
Shannon Hamilton: Ah, 15. I thought she was 36!
[cops are approaching him]
Shannon Hamilton: Come on, guys. Tell me you wouldn't have popped her.
Jay: Shit, bitch, we're gonna bust up that stage like a high school kegger. We're just gonna outwit Lafours, X-Men style.
Brodie: Should I call you Logan, Weapon-X?
Jay: No, *Wolverine*! Shnickty shnickty shnoine!
Brodie: See, what he's doing is imitating Wolverine's berserker attack with his adamantium claws.
T.S. Quint: I never would have guessed.
Shannon Hamilton: That's it. You're dead, mallrat! I'm gonna fuck you up beyond repair!
Brodie: Ladies and gentlemen, this tall drink of water headed my way is a pillar of the shopping community who informed me earlier today of a nefarious plan of his to screw my girlfriend in an extremely uncomfortable place.
Gil Hicks: What... like the back of a Volkswagen?
[after hitting La Fours over the head with a baseball bat]
Jay: Come son of Jor-El, kneel before Zod! Snootchie-bootchies. Ehehehehe!
Brodie: Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel? They're a little melty but damn are they exquisite.
[Brodie picks up a controller and continues a paused video game]
Rene: What are you doing? You promised me breakfast.
Brodie: Breakfast, shmreakfast. Look at the score, for Christ's sake. It's only the second period and I'm up 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Rene, but Hartford, "the Whale," they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime.
Brodie: After all he's done to you, you should still kinda stick it to him.
T.S. Quint: How do you propose I do that?
Brodie: You stinkpalm him.
T.S. Quint: Stinkpalm?
Brodie: You take your hand and stick it in your ass like this. You been walkin' all day and you're nervous, so no doubt you'll be sweaty as hell.
T.S. Quint: You should see yourself right now, a grown man with his hand down his pants.
Brodie: Yeah i probably look like my old man. So you shake hands with the guy, "Hello Mr. Svenning how have you been?"
T.S. Quint: Whats the point?
Brodie: You know how long it takes for that smell to come off? Scrub all you want, it'll stick around for at least two days. How does he explain it to his colleagues and family? They'll think he doesn't know how to wipe his ass properly.
T.S. Quint: Meanwhile you yourself are left with a hand that smells like shit.
Brodie: Small price to pay for the smiting of one's enemies.
Brodie: Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don't hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent - I don't care which one - but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator.
[beating up the Easter Bunny]
Jay: This is for Brodie!
Brodie: Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn for Sega.
Brodie: You fuckers think just because a guy reads comics he can't start some shit?
Jay: [to Willam, who's struggling to see a Sailboat in the Magic-Eye picture] What you need is a fatty-boom-batty blunt! And I guarantee you'll be seeing a sailboat, an ocean, and maybe even some of those big-tittied mermaids doing some of that lesbian shit! Look at me, look at me, you sloppy bitch!
Jay: Silent Bob here's an electrical genius. He won the science fair in eighth grade by turning his mom's vibrator into a CD player using some chicken wire and shit. The mother fucker's like MacGyver. No, the mother fucker's *better than* MacGyver.
T.S. Quint: How much did you smoke?
Jay: All it took was a phat, chronic blunt. These guys were lightweights.
T.S. Quint: How much do I owe you?
Jay: My treat. As long as you promise that the next time you pop your old lady, you make her call you "Jay." Snootchie Bootchies.
T.S. Quint: Let's hope there is a next time.
Jay: You're fucking kidding me! The Easter bunny did this?
Brodie: All I said was that the Easter bunny at the Menlo Park mall was more convincing and he just jumped the railing and knocked me down.
Jay: He's fucking dead!
Brodie: Oh let it go, he's under a lot of pressure.
[T.S. and Gwen approach them]
T.S. Quint: What the hell happened?
Jay: The guy in the Easter bunny suit kicked his ass.
Brodie: I had it coming.
Jay: [to Silent Bob] Fuck all that shit! Come on, Silent Bob.
[Jay and Silent Bob leave]
T.S. Quint: What really happened?
Brodie: The proprietor of Fashionable Male beat a raincheck into my stomach.
Gwen: Shannon Hamilton?
T.S. Quint: You know that guy?
Gwen: I went out with him once after we dated. He tried to screw me some place very uncomfortable.
T.S. Quint: What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?
Brodie: Sounds like his M.O.
Jay: [after Silent Bob 'moves' a videotape with his mind] The Jedi mind trick! Holy shit, motherfuckin' Yoda and shit!
Brodie: How much longer are we gonna be in this chick store? I'm starting to get a mean hard-on.
Brodie: That kid is *back*... on the escalator again!
Brodie: Jesus Christ! What the hell gives with the cover boy?
Rene: None of your business, but he'll kick your ass if he knows what you just pulled.
Brodie: Are you insane? The guy looks like a date rapist! Is that my jacket?
Rene: Start the elevator.
Brodie: Not until you tell me what the situation is with you and the Sperminator out there! How long has this been going on?
Rene: Since I mustered the good sense to send you packing. He's a much more suitable companion than you any day.
Brodie: Are you nuts? The guy's pure testosterone! He's a walking hard-on just looking for a hole!
Jay: Bye baby kitties. Damn Silent Bob, show some heart.
Brodie: [about Rene] I threw her away like a parking ticket.
Brodie: You have my Punisher War Journal #6, my copy of "Fletch" and the remote control to my TV. Now, I know it's going to be hard to give this stuff up because of it's sentimental attachment...
Rene: Sentimental attachment? Look, if I have any of that crap it's because you brought it over my house and left it there.
Brodie: Okay, then let's talk about coming up with a schedule for visitation rights.
Rene: For what?
Brodie: For the mall. I figure you can take the odd days, I'll take the even days and weekends. When there's any special feature like a sidewalk sale...
Rene: [interrupting] Brodie, Brodie...
Brodie: ...or a boat show...
Rene: [interrupting] Brodie! I've always taken you with a grain of salt. On your birthday, when you told me to do a striptease to the theme of "Mighty Mouse", I said okay. On prom night at the hotel when you told me to sleep under the bed in case your mother burst in, I did it. And even during my grandmother's funeral when you told my relatives that you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let that slide.
Rene: [Grabs Brodie by the ear] But if you think I'm gonna suffer any of your shit with a smile now that we're broken up, you're in for some serious fucking disappointment!
Brodie: Brandi is the past my friend. You face forward, or you face the possibility of shock and damage.
[Brodie gets knocked down by a metal beam]
T.S. Quint: You should learn to heed your own advice.
Brodie: Where the hell did that come from? What's going on here?
T.S. Quint: Looks like a stage is being erected.
Brodie: What is this monstrosity?
T.S. Quint: Maybe it's for the Easter Bunny pictures.
Brodie: Impossible, the Easter Bunny Court is down at the other end of the mall, it's been there since two days after Christmas. I want answers!
[Trying on lace panties overtop of his jeans]
Brodie: I would've made a sexy chick!
Brodie: I love the smell of commerce in the morning.
Brandi: Suitor Number Three, what would our first date be like?
Gil Hicks: Well, uh, first I'd take you shopping to stores you wanna shop in, and then we'd do a little lunch, probably at the Cheese Haus, followed by some golfing. And then at night, we'd take in an opera, probably Die Fledermaus, and then I'd follow it up with a drive to a secluded beach where I'd pop on the radio and we could slow-dance till the sun came up.
Brodie: That was the biggest load of crap I've ever heard! I mean, look at you. You're the kind of guy who would beg for sex. And I should know, we can smell our own.
[Brodie Bruce speaking of T.S. and Brandi's love]
Brodie: You two are retarded for each other.
Brodie: Why don't they ever bring back or remake good shows, like 'BJ and the Bear.' Now there's a concept I can't get enough of, a man and his monkey.
[Jay is reading a Hustler. He shows a spread to Silent Bob]
Jay: Dude, this one looks like your mom.
[Silent Bob nods]
[Jay explains the details of Operation Drive By to Silent Bob]
Jay: Phase one: First you take a run at La Fours with a sock full of quarters. I'd do it, but I pulled my back at humping your mom last night. Nootch! Okay, you clock him on his headpiece and knock his ass out cold. That's when phase two kicks in. I attack the structure Wolvie Berzerk style, and knock out the fuckin' pin and bickety bam, the motherfucker is rubble. Hence, no game show.
[Brodie is trying to get into the comic book store]
Brodie: Hey, what's going on in there?
Steve-Dave Pulasti: I was warned about you. Take it easy before I have you removed from the mall.
Brodie: Warned? What the fuck are you talking about?
Walt "Fanboy" Grover: Tell him, Steve-Dave!
Brodie: Fuck you, Fanboy!
T.S. Quint: [breaking up the fight] When you two testosterone-seething, he-man, comic book fans finish up with this display of tough guy back-and-forth? I have some questions that need answering.
[Jay explains the details of Operation Dark Knight to Silent Bob]
Jay: Okay Lunchbox, let's try this again. We tie you to the roof and you jump off and sail like a Spitfire passing right over the arch nemesis La Fours. You then swing up to the stage and knock out the pin. And when that's gone the stage is trashed and we go smoke a bowl. You got it? Now get your fat ass up there. And dude, don't forget your helmet. Snoogens.
Brodie: You're going to listen to *me*? To something that *I* said? Hell, most of the time I'm just talking out of my ass... or sticking my hand in it.
[about the break-up letter from Renee]
Brodie: Yeah, and she also said I had no dick. Which precedes the financial question, proving once more what women really look for.
[Silent Bob is trying to levitate a cigarette]
T.S. Quint: What's he doing?
Jay: Shithead here watched Empire and Jedi last week and ever since then, he's been trying to do the Jedi mind trick. The crazy fuck thinks he can levitate shit with his thoughts.
[slaps the cigarette out of Silent Bob's hand]
Jay: Knock it off!
Brodie: [to Silent Bob] The force is strong with this one.
Jay: Dude, don't encourage him.
Brodie: Look, if I had any kind of glow it's because I just got laid. I would look the same had I banged anyone in that elevator... present company excluded.
T.S. Quint: Deny it all you want. I think that you're too proud to admit that you want her back.
Brodie: I suddenly want something very bad to happen to you.
[TS elbows Gwen in the chest, she hits him in the groin]
Brodie: [Kicking him on the ground] See, that's what you get for fucking with me.
Brodie: [about to get beaten up by Shannon] Want a sip of my soda?
Willam Black: When Lord? When the hell do I get to see the goddamn sailboat?
[Thinking Rene is at the door]
Brodie: You're a fickle broad...
Tricia Jones: I get everybody's consent before we do it. Most guys get off on it. Men are easily amused.
Stan Lee: [Remarking on a happy couple in a store window] They look happy don't they?
Brodie: I suppose, as far as couples go.
Stan Lee: You know, it reminds me of an issue of Spider-man I did. When Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy went lingerie shopping. Of course, the Green Goblin showed up, and he pumpkin-bombed the hell out of the place. But aside from that, it's pretty much the same thing.
Brodie: Oh, my god... *holy shit*! Aren't you...
Stan Lee: Oh, Stan Lee, hi.
Brodie: Hey, you know where you're going, they screw people in a very uncomfortable place.
Arresting Cop #2: Hey, hey! You can't strike a prisoner in police custody.
Brodie: Oh, come on. Just once?
Arresting Cop #2: All right, but make it fast.
[punches Shannon in his stomach]
Gil Hicks: Something's going on here. Where's Mr. Svenning?
Roddy: [enters] Mr. Svenning has come down with a sudden case of diptheria.
[looks down at the two guys on the floor]
Roddy: What happened to these two?
Jay: The homeboys got a case of the mad munchies!
Gil Hicks: [points to T.S] Hey, Roddy Roddy, isn't this the guy that Svenning had arrested?
Roddy: Why yes it is. All right Quint, I don't know how you got back in here, but we're postponing the start of the show until I call Mr. Svenning. You've brought down the fire, well now you've got it! Security!
Brodie: Hey, Roddy!
[Brody puches Roddy out]
Security Guard: [enters] Somebody call security? What happened here?
Brodie: Oh, these two guys got stonned and knocked this guy out. I think he needs medical attention.
Gil Hicks: That's not what happ...
[Brody stomps on Gil's foot, silencing him]
T.S. Quint: Yeah, could you get him and these two guys out of here? The show's about to start.
Security Guard: Whatever.
Brodie: [to Gil] Look asshole, just go out there with us and behave, and you'll be just fine.
Brodie: Jay, when Tricia shows up here with a video tape, you give it to Silent Bob.
Jay: Check. Say, where is that tubby bitch?
Brandi: [calm and nefarious tone] Second Suitor? If you were a comic book character, what character would you be?
Brodie: [caught off guard, but delighted] Wow! That's a great question. Tough one, though I mean, what does one gauge his response on? Physical prowess? Keen detection skills? The ability to banter well with super villians?
Brandi: [interupting] How's your comic book collection, Brodie?
Brodie: Oh it's goin' good. But, I mean...
Brodie: [T.S. punches Brodie's arm and shows an angry look, realizing they have been made] Oh, comics? what are you talkin' about lady? I don't collect comics! Comics are for kids!
Brodie: You're gonna listen to me? To something I said? Hasn't it become abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know shit?
Brodie: Tell me, did you ever fart in front of her?
T.S. Quint: No, why do you ask?
Brodie: I never farted in front of Renee. Not once. Last week, I let one slip and today she dumps me.
T.S. Quint: You think that's why Renee dumped you? Come on, she's not the shallow type. You're not insinuating...
Brodie: She was going down on me at the time.
T.S. Quint: [Retches]
Brodie: What can I say, I was feeling very relaxed, when I'm relaxed I squirt.
T.S. Quint: If all she did was dump you, you got off light.
Jay: Silent Bob stole the schematics from some foolish carpenter and found a weakness just like the fucking Death Star. You knock this crossbeam out and, fuckin' bickety-bam, the whole stage comes crashing down.
Brodie: Well we were thinking of something simple, but hey, if you want to destroy the stage, we're all for that.
[subtitle, "William eventually saw the sailboat."]
Willam Black: Yeah?
Jay: Dude, you'se a mad chick magnet.
Brodie: There is something out there that can help us ease our simultanious double loss.
T.S. Quint: What? Ritual suicide?
Brodie: No, you idiot, the fucking mall!
T.S. Quint: I'd prefer ritual suicide.
Brodie: Oh come on man it'll be great. They have these new cookies at the cookie stand, you have to try 'em. They're awesome.
Shannon Hamilton: Smart-ass ex-boyfriend! I've got two things to tell you. One: I don't like you. I see you every week in this mall. I don't like you shiftless layabouts. You're one of those loser fucking mallrat kids. You don't come to the mall to shop or work. You hang out all day, act like you fucking live here. Well, I have no respect for people with no shopping agenda.
Brodie: Is this what's known as motivated salesmanship?
[Shannon Hamilton beats up Brodie]
Shannon Hamilton: Rene told me to leave you alone, but she's fucking clueless. The newly single always feel a bit protective of the ex-boyfriend.
Brodie: If this is her idea of protective, I'd hate to have her mad at me.
Shannon Hamilton: You see, Bruce, I like to pick up girls on the rebound from a disappointing relationship. They're much more in need of solace and they're fairly open to suggestion. And, I use that to fuck them some place very uncomfortable.
Brodie: What, like the back of a Volkswagen?
Shannon Hamilton: No. More like someplace girls dread.
[Brodie tries to take a poke at Shannon, Shannons gives him another beat-down]
Brodie: You know how when someone lays with their back to you, and you lay behind them really close and you throw one arm over them?
T.S. Quint: It's called spooning.
Brodie: Yeah, but you gotta put the other arm somewhere. You can either lay on it or shove it between your bodies. The only other option is to stretch it above your head. But sometimes my arm pops out of socket when I'm sleeping like that. So I was constantly searching for someplace to keep my arm while still laying close to her.
Brodie: What do you mean, 'and'? That's like a metaphor for our whole relationship. I'm all out. I'll meet you at the food court.
Saleslady at Lingerie Store: [crying] I know exactly how he feels. Excuse me.
Brodie: Hey Hamilton! Let's try and wrap this up, alright? I promised her breakfast!
Jay: [Referring to Silent Bob] Human brown-eye here's a walking calamity. We're going to have to pass on this stage trashing business, otherwise he's liable to kill himself.
Brodie: [Looking at comics] These should have boards in them. Bloody savage.
Brodie: Hey guys, you'll never guess who I just met.
[looks at the two suitors on the floor off camera]
Brodie: What happened to these two?
Jay: Power of the dark side.
T.S. Quint: Wait a minute. There's only two. There's supposed to be three! What happened to the third guy?
Jay: I never saw a third guy.
[Gil enters and looks down at the two on the floor; both he and Brodie take an instant dislike to each other]
Gil Hicks: What happened to these two?
T.S. Quint: Um... they got light headed.
Jay: You got that right.
Gil Hicks: So, what's going to happen now? They going to cancel the show?
Brodie: What do you care, asshole?
Gil Hicks: I'm supposed to be on it. I'm Gil Hicks, Suitor Number Three.
T.S. Quint: We're gonna take their places. Hi. I'm T.S. Quint, this is my friend Brodie Bruce.
Gil Hicks: Hey, didn't Svenning have you arrested?
Brodie: [belligerent] Look man, don't give him any shit!
T.S. Quint: How do I do that?