Willie Clark: I invented comedy!

Al Lewis: The same night you designed the Titanic.

Willie Clark: [to Al] If you're bored in New Jersey, you're already retired.

Al Lewis: [Talking about his daughter] Tell her that I'm never leaving New Jersey again. Tell her I'm sorry they built the-the bridge and the tunnel.

Willie Clark: You're a funny man, Al. A pain in the ass but a funny man.

Nancy Clark: Was it your idea to be sort of a straight man?

Al Lewis: No, he just said the jokes before I could get them out.

Al Lewis: [Entering the dining room] Haven't been in the Friars' Club in years.

Nancy Clark: Oh, really? Still a member?

Al Lewis: Yeah, until I die. Then I'll quit.