Mike: My grandmother thought that a homosexual was a person who slept with one person their whole life. We were gonna let it slide but she kept telling the mailman she was a homosexual.
[a woman is making a pass at Carter]
Carter: Your heterosexual powers have no effect on me.
Mike: Look at Dick Clark. Not a grey hair on his head and he's as popular now as he was 100 years ago.
Stuart: Big 3-0, huh? It's the perfect age. You can date college girls *and* their mothers.
Nikki: [on the phone] No, mom, I'm not a lesbian. What? No, mom! I'm not a lesbian! I sleep with men. I sleep with lots of men. I'm a slut for God's sake!
[locked in Paul's trunk]
Caitlin: I know you would enjoy this.
Mike: What are you taking about? I am not enjoying this!
Caitlin: Yes you are. I can feel "it."
Mike: That's a tire iron.
Caitlin: I don't care what sick name you call it! Get it off me!
[Pulls out a tire iron]
Caitlin: Ok. Then what is "that!
Mike: Ok. I am a little excited.
Stuart: [to Mike, after a picture of Mike kissing Heidi Klum's butt appears on the front page of a newspaper] What did Heidi Klum's butt taste like?
Mike: There are 10 commandments. I'd like your dates to check out on at least 7 of them.
Mike: Anybody read this? Bingo died.
Karen: Ohh! Who's Bingo?
Mike: Only the city's most decorated police dog.
Nikki: Oh, yeah, right. He pulled that drowning kid out of the reservoir.
James: And didn't he sniff out 10 kilos of cocaine at La Guardia?
Mike: Yeah. Poor little guy didn't sleep for weeks after that.
[after Carter's dog electrocuted himself by licking a lamp socket]
Mike: That had to hurt.
[Stuart visits Carter at his gym. Carter is wearing a headband]
Stuart: Hey carter, is that headband to keep the bald out of your eyes?
Mike: I know the German word for constipation, which I believe is farfrompoopin.
Heidi Klum: We have a saying in Germany. It is better to have loved and lost than to engage in a land war with Russia in the winter.
[Stuart is making fun of Carter's boyfriend, who is a boxer]
Mike: That's right, Stuart. Taunt the professional ass kicker.
Paul: I'm getting sued for being shot in the head?
[Caitlin kissed Mike when there was turbulence]
Mike: I get it. So whenever you're scared, you make out with guy nearest to you. Someday, you're going to make some mugger really happy.
James: Stewart, I don't feel well. Knowing about Mike's mom and the Mayor is killing me.
Stuart: James, secrets are power. You get something good like this, you sit on it. Right now, you leak it, it's just office gossip that makes everyone uncomfortable, BUT, in 20 years when Mike's running for President, this little gem gets me an ambassadorship to Sweden.
James: What do I get?
Stuart: Topless postcard from Sweden!
Mayor Winston: [to Mike, after a picture of Mike kissing Heidi Klum's butt appears on the front page of a newspaper] That used to be my ass, Flaherty.
Mayor Winston: New York City, this is the mayor. I have been stolen.
Nikki: [on the phone] I'm sorry I scared you mother. It was a simple, run-of-the-mill orgasm.
Ashley: We shouldn't have culturally insensitive sex.
Carter: If the Deputy Mayor speaks in his office, and there are no cameras to hear, does he make a sound?
Nikki: Oh, Stuart, one day you're going to make some woman very, very unhappy.
Mike: As my assistant, occasionally you may need to assist me.
Stuart: Oh take it outta hyper-gay!
Stuart: This is New York. You can't swing a mesh tank top without hitting a gay guy.
[the staff is concerned that the mayor may cheat on his wife]
Mike: All right, everybody huddle up, close your eyes, I want to paint you a mental picture; the mayor is very vulnerable tonight, there are a lot of reporters here tonight, and also in attendance is a woman I will refer to simply as "The Shark", whereas the Mayor is like an older, slow-moving sea lion.
Stuart: [French accent] I will stay aboard the Calypso, while my assistant, Mike, dive into the ocean to join in the life and death struggle between the shark and the noble sea lion.
Paul: You know, I suck up to you until I'm out of suck and I'm out of up, and what do you do? You come in, you take my office! Why don't you say we switch roles for a minute, okay? How bout you kiss *my* ass for a while?
Deirdre: All right Blondie, listen up, here's the rules. You stay away from my man, or you and I are going to be co-starring in a play I like to call, "Deirdre the Prison Guard".
Caitlin: No offense, but I'm not interested in your man, so why don't you just march those $12 pumps back to the trailer park and whip up some dinner for cousin dad?
Caitlin: I'm gonna take you down to the park, take off all your clothes, and... smear you with honey.
[Paul has just got kicked out by his mother]
Carter: Oh, to be cast out to the world at the tender age of 40.
Claudia Sacks Lassiter: You are the man with the rose at a table away from the bathroom? I missed you, Paulie!
Paul: Oh Claudia, I missed you too!
Claudia Sacks Lassiter: I missed you more!
Paul: Oh no, I don't think that's possible, you don't know my capacity for missing somebody!
Claudia Sacks Lassiter: Well I couldn't even concentrate!
Paul: That's nothing! I couldn't sleep!
Claudia Sacks Lassiter: I couldn't eat!
Paul: Really? How did you stay alive?
Mike: Stealing someone's fiancée. Priceless.
Deirdre: [to Carter] I have three words for you: Dog. Butt. Firecracker!
Mike: God is for weekends, sir. He's like Michelob.
Jennifer Duncan: [Charlie and Jennifer finish watching a report about each other] I better get going.
Charlie: Okay... Have you seen my boxers?
Jennifer Duncan: [Jennifer gets out of bed] Oh, yeah, I'm wearing them.
Jennifer Duncan: [looks around the room] Have you seen my thong?
[Charlie looks under the blankets to discover he is wearing it and sadly nods]