Bob: [about his Republican son] Steffi, bring down a copy of my will... and an eraser. Okay?
Joe: In a relationship, it is better to be the leaver than the leavee.
Joe: I'm gonna kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I'll be dead. In fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier, which would be perfect. Or... wait a minute. With the time change, I could be alive for six hours in New York, but dead three hours in Paris. I could get things done and I could also be dead.
Steffi: You always pick the wrong women.
Joe: Hey, I picked you.
Steffi: Yeah, I know, we got divorced.
Joe: 'Cause you were impossible to live with.
Steffi: "I was impossible to live with," I love this. You couldn't figure out whether you wanted to be a psychoanalyst or a writer!
Joe: So I compromised, I became a writer and a patient.
Steffi: I've been trying since we got divorced to find the right woman for him, somebody to match up with his personality. I'm beginning to wonder if the world population isn't too limited.
DJ: That's Frieda, our maid. Personally I think she was Hitler's maid at Berchtesgaden.
Joe: My knowledge of art is limited to Kirk Douglas as Vincent VanGogh.
DJ: [as a narrator] And, of course, my stepbrother Scott, who's very smart, but currently on the outs with the family, because he's become a conservative Republican, which has caused my stepfather to have a stroke since we're all liberal Democrats.
Charles Ferry: [after kissing her with some passion] How was it?
Schuyler Dandridge: [Obviously aroused from the kiss, she pauses as she licks her bottom lip] Uh... very interesting. I've never been kissed by a sociopath before.
Charles Ferry: I kissed you the best I could - considering the only practice I had kissin' in the last ten years is with Vincent 'The Thumb' Adatto.
Schuyler Dandridge: Jeez, Vincent the Thumb doesn't know what he's missing.
Bob: I never believed in God. No, I didn't even as a little kid. I remember this. I used to think even if he exists, he's done such a terrible job, it's a wonder people don't get together and file a class action suit against him.
Joe: You're going to major in Journalism or Law. Not Rowing.
Rapper: Yo check it I'm through with love / I'm through with all you muthafuckas.
Holden Spence: It's all right! She just swallowed a little jewelry, enjoy your dinners.
DJ: [as a narrator] And wouldn't you know it, as soon as his brain started functioning properly, Scott resigned from the Young Conservative Republican Club and started espousing left-wing, Democratic, liberal philosophy.
Bob: I can't believe I'm having this conversation with my own son, my flesh and blood. I can't believe it. Unless some large Republican pea pods are in the basement and have taken over your body.
DJ: [as a narrator] If Dad's a liberal Democrat, then you'd have to say Mom is the one thing more extreme. She's a guilty liberal Democrat.
Steffi: [Sitting in the funeral parlor] What's it all about? I ean, what - what are we doing? We're rushing... we're rushing...
Bob: Th-that's right.
Steffi: Where are we going?
Laura: [Commenting as a sidebar to Lane about their parents] They're so old.
Steffi: ...into the void.
Bob: That's it. The void is it? You know, I never believed in God!
Bob: No, I didn't... not even asa little kid. I used - I used to think - I remember this - I used to think even if he exists, he's done such a terrible job!
Lane: [Reprovingly] Dad!
Bob: It's a wonder people don't file a class action suit against him.
Steffi: He was a foot fetishist, it's the only group I remember him belonging to - it drove your Mother crazy.
Steffi: I say give them an opportunity to decorate their own cells with their personal interior decorator.
Joe: There was a moment there when I stroked when I should have hickeyed.
Laura: Please, no humiliating schemes.
Steffi: Bob, calm your denial mechanism.
Bob: No, I'm fine, I'm fine! As long as I don't move my eyeballs.
Bob: How are you going to go out with this man? You can't get behind him. He won't let you! You try to scratch his back, he'll knife you!
Charles Ferry: Nobody gets behind me.
Bob Dandridge: [Regarding a mixed metaphor from Steffi] What is this, Noël Coward with hockey?