Bob: [about his Republican son] Steffi, bring down a copy of my will... and an eraser. Okay?

Joe: In a relationship, it is better to be the leaver than the leavee.

Bob: Frieda, this pasta doesn't have any sauce

Frieda: It's Bavarian pasta, it doesn't need sauce. The Italians need sauce. The Italians were weak!

Joe: I'm gonna kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I'll be dead. In fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier, which would be perfect. Or... wait a minute. With the time change, I could be alive for six hours in New York, but dead three hours in Paris. I could get things done and I could also be dead.

Steffi: You always pick the wrong women.

Joe: Hey, I picked you.

Steffi: Yeah, I know, we got divorced.

Joe: 'Cause you were impossible to live with.

Steffi: "I was impossible to live with," I love this. You couldn't figure out whether you wanted to be a psychoanalyst or a writer!

Joe: So I compromised, I became a writer and a patient.

Steffi: I've been trying since we got divorced to find the right woman for him, somebody to match up with his personality. I'm beginning to wonder if the world population isn't too limited.

Joe: Carol was a poet and a member of MENSA so...

Steffi: She was a heroin addict!

Joe: Yeah she was also a heroin addict, but I thought it was insulin, so how was I to know?

DJ: That's Frieda, our maid. Personally I think she was Hitler's maid at Berchtesgaden.

Joe: My knowledge of art is limited to Kirk Douglas as Vincent VanGogh.

DJ: [as a narrator] And, of course, my stepbrother Scott, who's very smart, but currently on the outs with the family, because he's become a conservative Republican, which has caused my stepfather to have a stroke since we're all liberal Democrats.

Charles Ferry: [after kissing her with some passion] How was it?

Schuyler Dandridge: [Obviously aroused from the kiss, she pauses as she licks her bottom lip] Uh... very interesting. I've never been kissed by a sociopath before.

Charles Ferry: I kissed you the best I could - considering the only practice I had kissin' in the last ten years is with Vincent 'The Thumb' Adatto.

Schuyler Dandridge: Jeez, Vincent the Thumb doesn't know what he's missing.

Bob: I never believed in God. No, I didn't even as a little kid. I remember this. I used to think even if he exists, he's done such a terrible job, it's a wonder people don't get together and file a class action suit against him.

Steffi: Y'know over the years I often wondered what would have happened if we stayed together.

Joe: Well, that's something we never gonna know. We've managed to produce a fabulous daughter though. She got your looks, fortunately, and my... magic personality.

Joe: You're going to major in Journalism or Law. Not Rowing.

Charles Ferry: If you were my girl, I'd make love to you in every room of the house, on every table top, on every rug...

Schuyler Dandridge: We also have some lovely Early American chandeliers...

Laura: [singing] I'm through with love, I'll never fall again!

Steffi: What are you talking about? You're only 14!

Bob: [singing] I'm through with love, I'll never fall again.

Steffi: What are *you* singing about? You're not in love with Holden!

Rapper: Yo check it I'm through with love / I'm through with all you muthafuckas.

Holden Spence: It's all right! She just swallowed a little jewelry, enjoy your dinners.

Joe: Madeline was an archaeologist. She was fabulous.

Steffi: Madeline was a nymphomaniac!

Joe: Yeah, okay, she had a little problem with fidelity. You know, I didn't happen to see it.

DJ: [as a narrator] And wouldn't you know it, as soon as his brain started functioning properly, Scott resigned from the Young Conservative Republican Club and started espousing left-wing, Democratic, liberal philosophy.

Steffi: Speaking as a woman, Holden can be very animal too.

Schuyler Dandridge: Yes, Mom, but it's of the gerbil family.

Bob: I can't believe I'm having this conversation with my own son, my flesh and blood. I can't believe it. Unless some large Republican pea pods are in the basement and have taken over your body.

DJ: [as a narrator] If Dad's a liberal Democrat, then you'd have to say Mom is the one thing more extreme. She's a guilty liberal Democrat.

Steffi: [Sitting in the funeral parlor] What's it all about? I ean, what - what are we doing? We're rushing... we're rushing...

Bob: Th-that's right.

Steffi: Where are we going?

Laura: [Commenting as a sidebar to Lane about their parents] They're so old.

Steffi: ...into the void.

Bob: That's it. The void is it? You know, I never believed in God!

Steffi: Oh.

Bob: No, I didn't... not even asa little kid. I used - I used to think - I remember this - I used to think even if he exists, he's done such a terrible job!

Lane: [Reprovingly] Dad!

Bob: It's a wonder people don't file a class action suit against him.

Steffi: He was a foot fetishist, it's the only group I remember him belonging to - it drove your Mother crazy.

Steffi: I say give them an opportunity to decorate their own cells with their personal interior decorator.

Joe: There was a moment there when I stroked when I should have hickeyed.

Laura: Please, no humiliating schemes.

Steffi: Bob, calm your denial mechanism.

Schuyler Dandridge: Charles, where did you get the money to pay for everything... and this car?

Charles Ferry: Uh, well, you know... loans.

Charles Ferry: A lot of times a guy'll come up behind ya and... Swish! You get your blade out quick, you stick it in him, or you're dead.

DJ: Have you stuck a lot of other inmates, Mr. Ferry?

Charles Ferry: Enough.

Bob: No, I'm fine, I'm fine! As long as I don't move my eyeballs.

Steffi: He's a criminal!

Schuyler Dandridge: Mom, I'm shocked. You've done nothing but sing his praises for months.

Bob: How are you going to go out with this man? You can't get behind him. He won't let you! You try to scratch his back, he'll knife you!

Charles Ferry: Nobody gets behind me.

Charles Ferry: I'm lucky the parole came trough, but I was gonna get out one way or the other.

Lane: Excuse me, what exactly does that mean?

Charles Ferry: Ice the guard.

Charles Ferry: [having suddenly kissed Schuyler] How was it?

Schuyler Dandridge: [quite surprised] Uh, very interesting. I've never been kissed by a sociopath before.

Bob Dandridge: [Regarding a mixed metaphor from Steffi] What is this, Noël Coward with hockey?