Happy Gilmore (1996)

Christopher McDonald: Shooter McGavin

Photos 

Quotes 

• Shooter McGavin : [after buying grandma's house in an auction]  You're in big trouble though, pal. I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast!

  Happy Gilmore : [laughing]  You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?

  Shooter McGavin : [long pause]  No!

• Shooter McGavin : [in a bar]  Just stay out of my way... or you'll pay! LISTEN to what I say!

  Happy Gilmore : Hey, why don't I just go eat some hay, make things out of clay, lay by the bay? I just may! What'd ya say?

• [Shooter McGavin has just hit the ball on Mr. Larson's foot] 

  Mr. Larson : That's two thus far, Shooter.

  Shooter McGavin : Oh, you can count. Good for you.

  Mr. Larson : [points at him]  And *you* can count, on *me*, waiting for *you* in the parking lot.

• Mr. Larson : Trying to reach the green from here, Shooter?

  Shooter McGavin : I'm afraid that's impossible, sir.

  Mr. Larson : I beg to differ. Happy Gilmore accomplished that feat no more than an hour ago.

  Shooter McGavin : Well, moron...

  [turns to see Mr. Larson for the first time] 

  Shooter McGavin : good for Happy Gilm-OH MY GOD!

• Virginia : [stopping Happy from fighting Shooter]  Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey! You want to beat him? Beat him on the course.

  Happy Gilmore : That's right, I'm gonna beat your ass on the course!

  Shooter McGavin : Yeah, right. And Grizzly Adams had a beard.

  Lee Trevino : Grizzly Adams *did* have a beard.

• Shooter McGavin : [irritated, the audience is getting wild because they're cheering for Happy]  Damn you people. Go back to your shanties.

• [in slow motion, Happy hits a ball a great distance. Soon after, the ball bounces on a green and rolls into the hole, making a hole in one. The crowd goes wild] 

  Happy Gilmore : [shouts]  He shoots, he scores!

  [Happy turns to Chubbs] 

  Happy Gilmore : Oh, man. That was so much easier than putting. I should just try to get the ball in one shot every time.

  Chubbs : Good plan.

  [Chubbs chuckles as he pats Happy with his wooden hand. The two of them walk away] 

  Virginia : [to Shooter]  Did you see that?

  Shooter McGavin : Yes. Nice shot.

  Virginia : He just got a Hole-in-One on a *par four*!

  Shooter McGavin : I know. I just said I saw it.

  Virginia : [laughs]  Oh, I hope he *wins*. He's a publicist's *dream*. I mean, a guy who could drive the ball *that* far - oh, he could *really* draw a crowd.

  [Virginia walks away smiling] 

  Shooter McGavin : [under his breath]  You know what *else* could draw a crowd? A golfer with an arm growing out of his ass.

  [Shooter follows Virginia scowling] 

• Happy Gilmore : [in a bar]  I got into this tournament for one reason: money. And now I have a new reason: kicking your ass!

  Shooter McGavin : Well, I'd like to see you try.

  Happy Gilmore : [Picks up beer bottle and smashes it in half]  Let's do it, then!

  Shooter McGavin : I meant on a golf course!

  Virginia : Hey! What's going on here, huh?

  Happy Gilmore : Oh, uh, I was just looking for the other half of this bottle and there's some of it and there's some of it right there, too.

  Virginia : Why don't you just put it down?

  Happy Gilmore : Yeah, I know.

• [Shooter McGavin is holding a speech for other golf players] 

  Shooter McGavin : Thank you, Doug. You know, I saw Doug playing yesterday. And I've got to tell you, this guy spends more time in the sand than David Hasselhoff!

• Shooter McGavin : [shouting at the spectators]  Damn you people. This is golf. Not a rock concert.

• [Shooter has just purchased Happy's Grandmothers house] 

  Happy Gilmore : What the hell is the matter with you?

  Shooter McGavin : Well, Real Estate Speculation *is* a hobby of mine...

  [Happy goes to hit McGavin] 

  Shooter McGavin : Ah ah. You lay another finger on me, I burn the house down and piss on the ashes.

• Shooter McGavin : [after Happy putts for Waterbury victory, sort of disappointed]  Oh, he's gonna be on the tour that's... that's super.

  [Happy does a funny victory "dance" with his caddy] 

  Shooter McGavin : That's... that's cute.

• Shooter McGavin : It's great, the other day one of his fans mooned me. He had Happy written on his ass. HA on the one cheek, and sure enough PPY on the other.

  Doug Thompson : Yeah, people are sure coming around.

  Shooter McGavin : Yeah, everyone's coming around. Well I'm NOT DOUG! This man is destroying golf. I saw two big fat naked bikers, in the woods off seventeen having sex. How am I supposed to chip with that going on? You've got to kick him off the tour.

  Doug Thompson : He's not breaking any rules, and until he does...

  Shooter McGavin : But he's a disgrace to the game!

  Doug Thompson : You may be right. But, our ratings are up and we're attracting new, youthful sponsors. Sorry Shooter, there's nothing I can do.

• Shooter McGavin : [to Happy]  Stop fraternizing with the help Gilmore. Just hit your ball... if you can find it.

• [the press is interviewing Shooter McGavin] 

  Shooter McGavin : I tell you, the real winner today is the city of Portland. Every time I come here it gets hard to leave. I bet you put something to the water.

• [in Doug's office, after having fought with Bob Barker] 

  Shooter McGavin : [impersonating the announcer for the game show, the Price is Right]  Hey, Happy Gilmore! Come on down!

• Shooter McGavin : Everyone seems to be coming around... Well I'm not Doug!

• [Happy walks into Doug Thompson's office] 

  Doug Thompson : There you are.

  Shooter McGavin : Hey! Happy Gilmore, come on down!

  Doug Thompson : Thank you, Shooter. Sit down, Mr. Gilmore. So you had a fight with a game show host on national TV. I don't consider that entertainment. This is not hockey, Mr. Gilmore, no matter how much you want it to be.

  Happy Gilmore : Look, I know that and I'm sorry, all right? But it wasn't my fault. There was some guy out there giving me crap, and it took every ounce of my energy not to hit him.

  Shooter McGavin : So you decided to headbud Bob Barker? Uh, who won that fight, anyway?

  Doug Thompson : That's enough, Shooter. Now, the board has taken the following actions: You'll be fined 25,000 dollars and suspended for one month.

  Shooter McGavin , Happy Gilmore : Suspended?

  Happy Gilmore : I gotta play!

  Shooter McGavin : Doug, kick him off the Tour!

  Doug Thompson : Well, the board thinks that might be a little extreme, considering that our ratings today were... the highest that we've ever had.

  Happy Gilmore : Doug, look, my grandmother's house got repossessed. If I can't make some prize money in the next tournament, they could sell it to somebody else.

  Doug Thompson : Well, whoop-dee-doo. Get out.

  [Happy leaves; Virginia follows; Shooter smirks in triumph]