Kevin McDonald: Chris, Chris' Dad, Doreen, Lacey
Photos
Quotes
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Wally's wife : Were the handcuffs totally necessary, officer?
Cop : Well, actually, that was your husband's idea.
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Wally's wife : Kids, where's your Father?
Daughter : He's upstairs masturbating to gay porn.
Wally's wife : Again?
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[after being brought home by the police]
Wally : There's a perfectly reasonable explanation for this.
Wally's wife : Please don't.
Wally : Well, I was out driving. 'Cause you know how much I love driving. When suddenly, I had to take the *biggest pee in the world*! So I went to this washroom...
[Wally's family goes inside and locks him out]
Wally : ...but it was full of those *types*! You know. QUEERS and QUEENIES and...
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Don Roritor : Can I get you anything else? Grappa, wine, cappuccino, tickets to a Lakers game?
Dr. Chris Cooper : No, thanks.
Don Roritor : Are you sure? What about cheesecake? Double-A batteries? Land in Montana?
Dr. Chris Cooper : No, thank you.
Don Roritor : I offer you these, but they'll be yours anyway. Do you understand?
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Alice : Hello, is your *uncle* home?
Cooper's groupie : Uncle? Oh, yeah. Just a moment.
Cooper's groupie : [calls upstairs suggestively] Uncle Chris!
Dr. Chris Cooper : Uncle? What, are we playing *that* game again?
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Dr. Chris Cooper : You know, my father suffered from depression. Yeah.
[Flashes back to himself as a boy fixing a bike; his father walks up to him, obviously very depressed]
Dr. Chris Cooper's Dad : Hello son. Did you clean the house for your old man while he was at work today?
Young Chris Cooper : Yep.
Dr. Chris Cooper's Dad : Ah yeah, yeah yeah. Did you... clean under the fridge?
Young Chris Cooper : Yep.
Dr. Chris Cooper's Dad : Yeah, yeah yeah yeah. What about... the gun? Did you... give the gun a good cleaning?
Young Chris Cooper : Yep.
Dr. Chris Cooper's Dad : Good boy.
[Walks miserably into the house, letting his briefcase fall open; once he is inside, there is a gunshot]
Dr. Chris Cooper's Dad : Ahhhhh! Holy mother, my foot!
[There is another gunshot]
Dr. Chris Cooper's Dad : Ahhhhh! My other foot!
Dr. Chris Cooper : [Back in the present day] Two hours later, he hit a vital organ and... died.
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Cop : And may I say I think it's a damn shame your husband's out cruising for gay sex when he has a piece of fine-ass woman like you at home?
Wally's wife : Well... thanks, I guess.
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Dr. Chris Cooper : The drug was for people who couldn't get off the floor.
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Old Guy in Studio Audience : I want to be a scientist just like you. Any advice?
Dr. Chris Cooper : Er... work hard and stay in school!
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Mrs. Hurdicure : [looking at drug] What will this do?
Dr. Cooper : Well, it reaches into your brain "chemically," and then it locates your happiest memory "chemically," then it locks onto that emotion and freezes it "chemically," and then it keeps you happy, happy.
Baxter : Chris? She's depressed, not stupid!
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Dr. Chris Cooper : [holding out cappuccino cup to assistant] My cap is luke.
Assistant : Lukewarm, Chris?
Cisco : No, Luke Skywalker, you fuckin' inbred.
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Dr. Chris Cooper : Doesn't anyone want to know how the drug works chemically?
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Dr. Chris Cooper : I think I may have something.
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Don Roritor : [Touring the ward of coma patients] You know, Chris, in a situation like this I think we should rely on my experience. Cause you know, Chris, when I invented Stummies...
Dr. Chris Cooper : Oh, fuck Stummies! And you too Don! You pushed, boy! You pushed! Dumb Baxter said the drug was great. I said testing! And you - you took away my lab! Cause you - sure, I lost my virginity, but who do you think - you pushed, boy! You pushed! I... gotta return Rear Window to the video store... now this? Comas? Acceptable losses? Late fees?
Don Roritor : No! No, I-I don't think I *will* fuck Stummies.
[Don marches up to Chris and shoves his finger in Chris's face threateningly]
Dr. Chris Cooper : Get your finger out of my face, Don!
[Chris slaps Don's finger away]
Don Roritor : Don't you touch my finger, Chris.
[Don raises his finger to Chris's face again]
Dr. Chris Cooper : Then get your finger out of my face, Don!
[Chris slaps Don's finger away again]
Don Roritor : Don't you touch my finger Chris!
[Don raises his finger again]
Dr. Chris Cooper : Get your finger out of my face!
[Chris slaps away Don's finger again]
Don Roritor : Don't touch my finger!
[Don raises his finger again; the finger slapping-raising routine repeats about six more times, the two men shouting over each other, until they are embroiled in a pathetic fight that ends with Chris feebly shoving Don towards a door]
Don Roritor : You know, Chris, I had such high hopes for you. But unfortunately, you just don't get it.
[Shoves through the ward door]
Don Roritor : Ow my fucking finger!
