The year is 1996. Film as we know it is coming to a dead end. With mediocre outings such as Scream, Mission:Impossible and Trainspotting, cinema goers have lost faith in Hollywood and seek other pastimes, such as sandwich-making and witchcraft.
On a rainy 1996 day, I went alone to the local cinema. Having to make my own popcorn (as it was no longer sold due to lack of demand), I entered the empty room, a tear rolling from my eye. To me, it seemed, this may be the last time I went to a cinema, heck, it could be the last time I saw a movie!
What I saw in that very cinema astounded me as it does every generation to behold it to this day. "Phat Beach" was the phattest movie I had ever seen. It was phatter than phat. Despite Hollywood's best efforts, it has never been out-phatted, and never will in my eyes.
Imagine Ferris Buellers day off meets Kenan and Kel and you are approaching a thousandth of what "Phat Beach" has to offer. Throw in Pulp Fiction and the Godfather series, and you have the first five minutes.
What makes it so easy to relate to is the main character, Benny. Like many of us, he stays at home with his parents 10 years or so longer than he might like to, he weighs a few hundred pounds more than he might like and, yeah, he's left the small matter of having sex a bit late in hope of making his first time real special. But Benny don't care. He is a poet, a tortured soul who cares for nothing but his art.
If you expect this movie to be funny, you are sorely mistaken. What "Phat Beach" achieves is far above mere fickle humour. Your emotions are taken for a a roller-coaster ride as you follow Benny's story. You share his loneliness, his feelings of betrayal and joy at discovering a hidden talent for volleyball.
But "Phat Beach" does not make your emotions its play thing. For example, during the volleyball sequences, Benny rarely loses a point, meaning that there is no moment of doubt. Benny is phat, and thus should NEVER loose. We understand this, and therefore become absorbed by his world.
So should you watch "Phat Beach". Do you enjoy seeing fat gentlemen in chef's hats? Are you Cooilio's biggest fan? Do you seek further meaning in this life we all lead? If the answer to all three questions is yes (and it damn well should be), you should buy at least three copies of "Phat Beach" within the next ten minutes.
For me, "Phat Beach" is a masterpiece of cinema, and I therefore watch it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I recommend the DVD release including the trailer which, although essentially several random clips of the movie mixed together and interspersed with fades over several minutes, does shed a lot more of that light you've been yearning for on to this glorious movie.
