Quotes (25)

Mr. Bean: Hello, I'm Dr. Bean. Apparently. And my job is to sit and look at paintings. So, what have I learned that I can say about this painting? Well, firstly, it's really quite big, which is excellent. because If it were really small, you know, microscopic, then hardly anyone would be able to see it. Which would be a tremendous shame. Secondly, and I'm getting quite near the end of this... analysis... of this painting, secondly, why was it worth this man here spending fifty million of your American dollars on this portrait? And the answer to that is, well this painting is with such a lot of money because... it's a picture of Whistler's mother. And as I've learned by staying with my best friend David Langley and his family, families are very important and Even though Mr. Whistler was prefectly aware that his mother was a hideous old bat who looked like she'd had a cactus lodged up her backside, he stuck with her, and even took the time to paint this amazing picture of her. It's not just a painting. It's a picture of a mad old cow who he thought the world of. And that's marvellous... Well that's what I think.

Lt. Brutus: Mr. Bean, are you presently on any kind of medication?

Mr. Bean: Not that I know of.

Lt. Brutus: You certainly could use some.

David Langley: Why am I worried about this? You did it! All I gotta do is go tell 'em what happened. But they'll say, "Who left him alone with the picture?" And I'll say, "Me". And they'll say, "You're fired" and I'll say, "Fine". They'll say, "No, no, no, firing's not good enough. Let's prosecute you for negligence". I go to jail, my wife leaves me, my daughter becomes a prostitute, I wind up on death row sharing a cell with Butch McDick!

David Langley: I must admit, over the time you've been here, certain... suspicions have begun to gather in my mind. I'm going to be frank here... are you a doctor?

Mr. Bean: ummm...

[shakes head]

David Langley: okay number two, do you know anything about art. I mean... let me see... was Leonardo Da Vinci a famous American basketball player?

[sniggers]

David Langley: [Bean looks confused, David's face drops]

Mr. Bean: ...yes

David Langley: ...I see

[brings his hand up to his face]

[after seeing what Bean did to the painting]

David Langley: Oh Jesus! Oh God! Oh Jesus! Mary mother Jesus of Nazareth!

David Langley: Well sir, an unorthodox start; but I never expected things with a man of your calibre to be normal. I must confess I've never actually read any of your work. Tell me doctor, what exactly is your position at the gallery?

Mr. Bean: I sit in the corner... and look at the paintings.

David Langley: Ach! That is brilliant! If only more scholars would do that, not lecture and write and argue, but just sit and look at the paintings themselves. Now that is brilliant.

General Newton: I don't know the difference between Picasso and a car crash.

Kevin Langley: I can't sleep. I can'e stop thinking about naked women. What about you?

Mr. Bean: Whistler's Mother.

Kevin Langley: Well, whatever turns you on!

Bernice Schimmel: I genuinely believe that we could get Jon Bon Jovi.

David Langley: Jon Bon Jovi? To unveil, "Whistler's Mother"?

Bernice Schimmel: Yes.

David Langley: I've got nothing against Jon Bon Jovi. The man has had two great hairstyles in the last ten years, which is an achievement not to be sniffed at. But so far as I know, Mr Jovi knows absolutely nothing about 19th-century Impressionism.

Lt. Brutus: He's a genius, huh?

David Langley: That's what they tell me.

Lt. Brutus: Well, he looks like a fruitcake to me.

Mr. Bean: [at the virtual rollercoaster ride talking to David] Brace yourself!

[David and Bean are outside the exhibition room; David is miserable]

David Langley: Say, do you drink, Bean?

Mr. Bean: No.

David Langley: Good, neither do I.

[the two men head off to a bar]

[Mr Bean and David are walking home drunk]

Mr. BeanDavid Langley: [singing while intoxicated] yow, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. If you see a crocodile, don't forget to scream.

[Bean screams]

Mr. BeanDavid Langley: Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. If you see a crocodile, don't forget to scream.

[both scream loudly when they approach the front door to David's house to find David's wife, Alison already home]

David Langley: Doesn't it take, like, five hours?

Mr. Bean: ...not... necessarily

David Langley: I've given my life to art and from here on in, the only art I will get anywhere near are the pictures I draw on the pavement hoping passersby will throw nickels in my hat. I guess the long on the short of it: I wish I'd never been born.

David Langley: Come on, everybody, it's gonna be great! Dr. Bean is a genius of the very highest order!

Kevin Langley: Hey, what's wrong with Meat Loaf's butt?

[the Langleys have a conference about Bean's arrival]

Jennifer Langley: [in sarcastic tone] You're kidding.

David Langley: Come on, it's gonna be great! Let's say there's a chart of the most intelligent people you've ever met in your lives. Well, at number one with the bullet is Doctor Bean.

[family sighs]

Kevin Langley: Kevin, you know how sometimes you ask me questions that I can't answer.

Kevin Langley: Yeah Like "What is an intrauterine device"?

David Langley: I think more like "What's the meaning of life?"

Kevin Langley: I never asked you that.

David Langley: That's fine. It doesn't matter! What I'm saying here is that Doctor Bean is a very remarkable man.

David Langley: [to Jennifer] Hey, for all you know, he could be very cute.

[cuts to Bean standing in London raising his eyebrows at the camera]

David Langley: [cuts back to Jennifer]

Jennifer Langley: Come on, the guy's gonna be a creep. All Englishmen are ugly. I just look at Prince Charles and weep.

David Langley: Okay, so he's gonna look like meatloaf's butt.

Jennifer Langley: Yeah, and that's if we get lucky.

[Jennifer prepares to leave the room]

David Langley: Jennifer, no one is asking you to marry him!

Jennifer Langley: I don't know why we have these family conferences if Dad's already made up his mind.

Alison Langley: Perceptive child.

Kevin Langley: Hey, what's wrong with meatloaf's butt?

David Langley: [stands up and shouts loudly across the room] Oh, come on, everybody! It's gonna be great! Doctor Bean is a genius at the very highest order!

[about Mr. Bean for being arrested a second time]

Lt. Brutus: His is a butt I would dearly love to kick. And next time I will!

Kevin Langley: [return a short while with their mother, with Bean absent] Hi, Dad.

Jennifer Langley: Hi, Dad.

Alison Langley: [Bean appears] Hello, doctor.

Kevin Langley: Bye, dad.

Jennifer Langley: Bye, dad.

[both leave, leaving David full of distress]

David Langley: [looks very anxious as Bean speak up] Don't talk to me, I'm try to think what I'm goin' to do.

Mr. Bean: [speak up again] Well...

David Langley: QUIET!

[Bean stop speaking]

David Langley: [after his family leave] Yeah, well, well, there they go.

Mr. Bean: [after the speeh] Home and dry.

Mr. Bean: Where did you put the original?

[Bean looks surprise]

Lt. Brutus: [clap his hand on David's shoulder suddenly] Mr.Langley, can I have a word?

[Bean and him look at each other, shocked and thought the police figured out the truth about the paintings]

David Langley: [frantically send the ruin painting back to the display room, relieve a bit, but suddenly hears the footsteps of Davidfrom the hallway, and he locked the door as soon as David tries to open the door, he dragged the big flowerpot to the door and blocked the door, just when David appeared from the next door] There seems to have a problem with the...

[spotted Bean tried to block the door, shocked and speechless]

David Langley: door.

[spotted the painting disappeared]

David Langley: where's the picture gone?

[Bean stammers]

David Langley: what, what, what, what?

[Bean hesitate a bit, and revealed the painting with the head replaced from the cartoon face]

David Langley: Oh Jesus! Oh God! Oh Jesus! Mary mother Jesus of Nazareth!

[locked all the doors]

David Langley: Why am I worried about this? You did it! All I gotta do is go tell 'em what happened. But they'll say, "Who left him alone with the picture?" And I'll say, "Me". And they'll say, "You're fired" and I'll say, "Fine". They'll say, "No, no, no, firing's not good enough. Let's prosecute you for negligence". I go to jail, my wife leaves me, my daughter becomes a prostitute, I wind up on death row sharing a cell with Butch McDick!

[deranged]

David Langley: alright, stay calm, stay calm, okay, okay, give me one mo' time of lookin' at the painting

[Bean shows it, David been deranged again]

David Langley: oh, god, oh god, oh GOD!

[hide the painting inside the display case, and leave the room, very distress]

David Langley: Hey, do you drink, Bean?

Mr. Bean: No.

David Langley: Good, neither do I.

[the two of them left and went to a bar]

David Langley: [after the ride ended] Incredible! You set?

[woke up Bean, who was sleeping throughout the ride and startled]

Mr. Bean: [spotted the motion simulator controller behind the curtain, called David back] Why don't you get another tickets? could be more fun takin' second round.

[David agreed, while Bean went off to tamper with the controller]

David Langley: [after a short while, David went back with a soft toy monster] Okay.

Mr. Bean: [giving warning] Brace yourself!

[the ride started and the ride wobbled wildly shook off the tourists and created a commotion]