The Beautician and the Beast (1997)

Fran Drescher: Joy Miller

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Boris Pochenko : Do I not intimidate you at all?

  Joy Miller : Is one of your sideburns longer than the other?

• Joy Miller : It's like Paris 50 years ago.

  Judy Miller : There were Nazis in Paris 50 years ago.

• Boris Pochenko : I know where we are.

  Joy Miller : Well, where are we?

  Boris Pochenko : We're in the woods.

  Joy Miller : I knew it. Why can't you just ask one of them for directions?

  Boris Pochenko : NO!

  Joy Miller : Please! Asking for directions is not the first step to a two-party system.

• Joy Miller : Who are you and what did you do with the little Nazi kid?

• Joy Miller : Oh honey, talk to the hand, the ears ain't listening!

• Joy Miller : Put on your sunblock because it's rays today, raisins tomorrow.

• Joy Miller : In our country we can marry who we want. I decided on John Kennedy Jr., and while he's in denial, I'll travel.

• Grushinsky : I thought you teach science!

  Joy Miller : TEACH it? I didn't even PASS it!

• Joy Miller : This is a special place. Was it special for someone else too?

  Boris Pochenko : It's where I slaughtered my first cow.

  Joy Miller : Huh?

  Boris Pochenko : I was ten. My father told me I could eat only what I killed myself. All I had was two sticks and a butter knife, but I learned to be a man that day.

  Joy Miller : Oh, what a sweet story.

• Joy Miller : Come on, we can make our own sandwich.

  Boris Pochenko : I don't know where anything is in this kitchen.

  Joy Miller : Oh come on, I can find food at Ghandi's house. What're you kidding me?

  Boris Pochenko : You should try running a country for a day. It's not all making war and smashing dissidents, you know. It's hard work.

  Joy Miller : I'm sure it is.

  Boris Pochenko : Where is some...

  Joy Miller : What?

  Boris Pochenko : Mayonnaise?

  Joy Miller : We finished it.

  Boris Pochenko : Oh.

  [gives her a look] 

  Joy Miller : Hmmm?

  Boris Pochenko : You're lying.

  Joy Miller : It's all gone.

  Boris Pochenko : Where is it?

  Joy Miller : I had to scrape for this.

  Boris Pochenko : Give it me!

  Joy Miller : Oh all right, I'll give it you, give it you. Here you go.

  Boris Pochenko : Hah. Hah-hah, heh-heh-heh, heh, heh, heh, heh.

  Joy Miller : I just hope you realize you're entering those dangerous heart attack years.

• [Pochenko gestures to hit Katrina] 

  Joy Miller : What are you doing?

  Boris Pochenko : You do not understand

  Joy Miller : Oh no? You have the temper of an eight year old, your own children are scared to DEATH of you! And you hit girls! Tell me when I'm getting warm!

  Boris Pochenko : This whole thing is none of your business!

  Joy Miller : You know maybe you're right. Because even if you can't see that doing the right thing even when you have nothing to gain, is what makes you... a mench, and decent, and civilized! I can't have anything to do with you

  Boris Pochenko : The boy will remain in prison, it's none of your business

  Joy Miller : You know everyone is right about you... you are a beast...

• [Motto for her cosmetology class] 

  Joy Miller : Flashy, not trashy.

• [Boris has just given a speech to a crowd of thousands outside the castle . He goes back inside, then Joy steps onto the balcony. The crowd stops cheering and looks at her. She throws her arms up and they start cheering again. Boris turns and glares at her] 

  Joy Miller : I always wanted to do that.

• Joy Miller : [Picture of Republican Congressional Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich projects on the screen in the classroom]  Not sure who that is. I think it's the little kid from "Eight Is Enough" all grown up.

  [Picture of Senator Jesse Helms appears on the screen] 

  Joy Miller : And that's his boyfriend.

• [Trying to talk Pochenko into shaving] 

  Joy Miller : OK, a lot of great men had mustaches. Hitler, Franco...

  Boris Pochenko : Einstein!

  Joy Miller : Oh, and that's who you wanna look like?

• Joy Miller : Could I possibly get a blanket without a head?

• Boris Pochenko : Now, about this business at the factory...

  Joy Miller : Oh you know what there's no need to apologize, I know that you were cranky 'cause you didn't have your lunch. You could be hyperglycemic, you should carry a piece of cheese with you.

• Boris Pochenko : [Outside Joy's parents house]  Before you throw me out, I have three things to say. One; I released the boy from prison. Two; I'm holding free elections in the Spring. Three... Well I can't think of something else.

  Joy Miller : One and two are plenty!

  [They kiss] 

• Joy Miller : It's control-top pantyhose. Holds you in like a stuffed sausage.

• Boris Pochenko : I don't know where anything is in this kitchen

  Joy Miller : Oh come on, I can find food in Ghandi's house, are you kidding me?