Beverly Hills Ninja (1997)

Chris Farley: Haru

Photos 

Quotes 

• Haru : I may not be a great ninja; I may not be one with the universe; but I will say this: NO ONE MESSES WITH MY BROTHER.

• Haru : Do not worry. A ninja knows when he is in danger.

  [Tanley and his men fire machine guns at them] 

  Haru : Now we are in danger. We are really in danger.

• Haru : Okey dokey, lets see what we got baking in the oven. Yeah, ya, ya, ya, ya. Not yet a match. Ok well, it looks like we are about one degree Celsius off on that ah magenta color. I guess I am gonna have to quantify the 7F reading on this and that would run it through the surface gravity viscosity. Ah, I could plug it into the Marshall formula, and that would ah, that would give me a more accurate mix design. To me they're just a little bit off, what I can do on that is run a pap smear, ah test and than ah, tone it down a little bit.

• Haru : You may subject me to any torture you can think of, but a ninja does not talk!

  Martin Tanley : Ninja? You're a ninja? You're the big fat ninja everyone's talking about, aren't you?

  Haru : Great White Ninja.

• Haru : [Joey is chasing a chicken]  Keep practicing, Joey, and someday you will choke that chicken.

• Sensei : I tried to stop this mission because I feared for you, but I was wrong. You must continue. Go forth. It is your duty as a ninja!

  Haru : Sensei, you just called me a ninja.

  Sensei : Yes, I guess I did.

• Haru : I have traveled many miles and now have come disguised as a pimp to help you.

• Haru : Hey, you hear the one about the lady who backed into a fan? It was a disaster. "Dis-assed" her.

• Haru : I am one with the universe. I am one with the universe.

  [Sees a stripper] 

  Haru : NO I AM NOT ONE WITH THE UNIVERSE!

• Haru : I am sure you would like to know who I am and what I do, but as part of my creed, I cannot tell you. See my identity must remain mysterious and my mission secret, I cannot reveal it to you.

  Billy : Why not?

  Haru : Because I would then have to kill you.

  Billy : DADDY!

  [runs to his dad, frightened] 

  Billy : Daddy, he said he's gonna kill me!

  Billy's Dad : [to Haru]  What'd you say to my kid?

  Haru : I was merely relaying to him...

  [Billy's Dad punches him in the face] 

• Haru : Sensei, believe me, this woman's telling the truth.

  Sensei : Haru, you're unable to tell truth from untruth.

  Haru : That is impossible. My ninja intuition tells me this!

  Sensei : Haru, you do not have ninja intuition! You do not even have NORMAL intuition!

• Desk Manager : 73 minutes to deliver two suitcases and one garment bag. Do you have an explanation, Mr. Washington?

  Joey : Yes sir, I seem to be developing tunnel carpel syndrome in my wrist. I believe it's from carrying really heavy garment bags around. Now, I don't want to go on disability, and sue this company for millions of dollars, so I figured I would just pace myself.

  Desk Manager : Mr. Washington, everything you do... irritates me.

  Joey : I'm gonna go soak my wrists.

  Desk Manager : Can I help you sir?

  Haru : Yes, I am looking for a Sally Jones.

  Desk Manager : I'm sorry, I don't see anyone by that name in my computer, now if you will excuse me.

  Haru : I would like to rent one of your lodgings. Is the cost great?

  Desk Manager : Compared to what? A hut and a rice patty? Sir, we are a five star hotel, with 800 rooms, booked six months in advance.

  Haru : I have money.

  Desk Manager : I'm sure you do. Unfortunately, we don't take Wampum.

  Haru : Do you perhaps take gold?

  [pours out about 15 pieces of gold] 

  Desk Manager : Front! Perhaps I shall send Dom Perignon to your room?

  Haru : I prefer to be alone tonight. Perhaps later I will meet your friend Don.

  Desk Manager : [to Joey]  1A.

  Joey : 1A. Ooww, my wrists. What have you got in here man, car radios?

• [Haru is searching around his hotel room] 

  Joey : What are you, a spy or somethin'?

  Haru : A spy is like a gnat compared to a ninja.

  Joey : Ninja? You're a ninja? Get outta here, you're a ninja!

• Joey : Do you know what I do everyday once I leave here?

  Haru : No, what?

  Joey : I'm running. I'm always running, man. My neighborhood's bad, Man, I gotta run to get cigarettes, I gotta run to get milk, I gotta run to take out the trash. Know why? Because whenever I leave my house, there's somebody out there just waiting to kick my ass.

• Haru : The blackness of my belt is like the inside of a coffin on a moonless night.

  Joey : That's pretty black, Man.

  Haru : It is a black art, and I, Haru, am the blackest of the black. Or rather the great white black art... Blackest... Master.

• Haru : Oh I see you got the R2347ST Printing press. This thing came out the same time I was printing leaflets for the Shave the Whales Foundation.

  Martin Tanley : You mean Save the Whales.

  Haru : Oh is that what you did with them, maybe it was starve the whales, starve the whales.

• Haru : Sensei, she is incapable of such things. She is as lovely as a dove.

  Sensei : It sounds to me you are being lead around by your short sword.

• Sensei : You must stop comparing yourself to Gobei!

  Haru : But why, master? He is the best ninja.

  Sensei : We would all be fortunate to have a heart as big as yours, Haru.

• Haru : Haru, you are truly the Great White Ninja.

  [Haru laughs, turns around, and sees Tanley's men staring at him with their arms folded] 

  Haru : Did I say "ninja"? I meant "ninny". Haru, you are such a ninny.

• Haru : Holy shinto!

  [Japanese style] 

• Haru : Only when I cease to breathe will I be dead, Tanley!

• Allison : [walks in and stands in the Dojo doorway]  Hello?

  [jumps and the Bo staff in Harus hands flies across the room] 

  Allison : Is this the Takagura Dojo?

  Haru : UUHH? Yyaa... I uummm...

  Allison : Maybe I should come back later.

  Haru : No wait, don't go, I mean... Yes this is the Takagura Dojo. Please come in and have a seat. I am Haru. Wait!

  [stops her from sitting on a pair of throwing stars, throws them behind him and hits a target with perfect aim] 

  Allison : That's impressive. I am in need of a ninja, but you seem to be white.

  Haru : Aaahhh. You are observant, as well as beautiful. Have you not heard about the legend about the foreign child who will grow up to be the great white ninja?

  Allison : why no, is that you?

  Haru : Some... say it is so. You see it is written in the holy writ, see it says here, a century shall pass, and then OOHHH! this is the wrong writ, this is the one about the Sensei and two 12 year old twin Geishias, also a good legend, but not the one we are looking for...

  [scrolls further down] 

  Haru : aahhh, here is my legend, it says here, that a forgein child will come to our village and learn the ways of the ninja.

  Allison : It's burning.

  Haru : Yes, the words have been seared into my heart as well.

  Allison : No, it's really burning!

  Haru : Yes I can tell,

  [looks over at the rest of the parchment and sees it burning] 

  Haru : Oh my God!

  [puts out the fire] 

  Haru : They may have a second copy. Let me show you a ample of my skills.

  [pulls on the sword rack and all the weapons fall down] 

  Haru : That rack, was not build by ninjas. These however were.

  [starts swinging a 3 section staff around and nearly hits the shelves holding ashes of fallen ninjas] 

  Allison : [gasps] 

  Haru : Wow! Luck is with me today, for this shrine holds the ashes of our fallen warriors

  [the shelves colapse] 

  Haru : Oh! Sensei is going to kill me.

  [picking up pictures and identifying them] 

  Haru : Takguri. Master Goe

  [picks up ashes] 

  Haru : Sempo? Kai?

  [combines the ashes] 

  Haru : At least they all worked as a team.

  Allison : This is excellent, because the job I ask requires great stealth.

  Haru : Aahh, my highest score where in stealth, let me give you an example, turn around, close your eyes and count to 9, when you open them I will be gone.

  Allison : Ok. 1. 2. 3.

  [Haru runs around and hides behind a support beam] 

  Allison : 4. 5. 6.

  [runs over to a lamp and tries to hide under the shade] 

  Allison : 7. 8. 9.

  [when Allison reaches 9 Haru has jumped through a rice paper door and outside] 

  Allison : Haru? Haru?

  Haru : Here I am, Sally Jones, I will accept your dangerous mission.

• [Haru attempts to choke Chet, but fails] 

  Chet Walters : Hey, buddy, what are you doing?

  Haru : Are you not familiar with the art of Shiatsu massage?

  Chet Walters : Shiatsu? Watch your language! There's a lady present.