John Hobbes: You take any cop on the force, cream or no, ninety-nine percent of the time they're doing their job, aren't they?
Jonesy: Ninety-nine five.
John Hobbes: Point five. So he or she, cream or no, is doing more good out there every day than any lawyer or stockbroker or president of the United States can ever do in their lifetime. Cops are the chosen people.
Azazel: Time is on my side. Yes it is.
John Hobbes: C'mon Azazel. Open your eyes
[sticks a cigarette in his mouth]
John Hobbes: Look around sometimes.
[lights his cigarette]
Azazel: What's this? You don't smoke anymore.
John Hobbes: You're right I don't. You know why? Because cigarettes kill. Especially cigarettes laced with poison.
John Hobbes: The same kind of poisons you used to kill my brother.
Azazel: Uh, uh, fuck you.
John Hobbes: Yeah I know. It was so sweet.
John Hobbes: Time, is on my side. Yes it is.
Azazel: Fuck you, motherfucker.
John Hobbes: [picks up his gun] Goodbye, Jonesy.
[shoots Jonesy, who is possessed by Azazel in the head]
John Hobbes: Something is always happening, but when it happens, people don't always see it, or understand it... or accept it.
Azazel: [speaking to Hobbes in Syrian Aramaic] I can't get inside you by touch, but even when I can, when I'm spirit, I won't. No. Better I get you for real. I'll fuck you up, down, left, right, coming, going. I'll get so close to you, so close it breaks you. And if that doesn't work, I have other ways. I have so many, many ways.
Jonesy: If it wasn't for pizza and other fine Italian foods, there would be no happiness.
[after killing man possessed by Azazel]
John Hobbes: [whistles Time is on my side]
Teenage Girl: [becomes possessed and sings] Yes it is.
John Hobbes: [spins around very slowly/shocked]
Teenage Girl: [sweetly] Hiya pal.
Teenage Girl: Wake up Hobbes. I'm not that easy to kill. When my host dies and I move as spirit, no man can resist me. What are you going to do? Arrest me? What'll you tell Stanton then? I'd *love* to hear that one.
John Hobbes: It's me that you want. Why don't you just kill me.
Teenage Girl: But I'm still having fun.
Jonesy: [singing] "Ti-ime, is on my side; Yes it is. Ti-ime, is on my side" You like the Stones Hobbes? I bet you didn't, you big Monkee fan pussy.
Jonesy: Hobbes, I'm following you, but at the same time, I'm losing you.
Azazel: I wanna tell you about the time I almost died...
Edgar Reese: Remember this, Hobbes... what goes around really goes around.
Azazel: [Last lines] Like I said before. I was beaten. I was battered,tired and neaten by a detective John Hobbes. It's disturbing that you were alive for a thousand years and you realize that you're actually going to die, because some self-righteous cop thinks hes gonna save the fuckin' world. Yes, a demon can die, and Hobbes finally knew how to beat me at my own game. Oh, I forgot. I was gonna tell you the time I "almost" died, seeya 'round.
Azazel: Can you imagine what it feels like to be alive for thousands of years, and then realize you're actually going to die, 'cause some self-righteous cop decided that he was going to save the fucking world?
Charles: [to his boss, as he is possessed] You know what you would look like with this sandwich up your ass? Like a fat, stupid fuck with a sandwich up his ass!
[lines before opening credits]
Edgar Reese: Howdy, folks. Ladies, gents, cocksuckers, pederasts, I hope you all enjoy the show. Yes, I do.
Azazel: Oh! You forgot something, didn't you? Back at the start, I said I was going to tell you about the time I *almost* died.
Azazel: Be seeing you.
John Hobbes: There are moments which mark your life. Moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same and time is divided into two parts, before this, and after this... Sometimes you can feel such a moment coming. That's the test, or so I tell myself. I tell myself that at times like that, strong people keep moving forward anyway, no matter what they're going to find.
Azazel: You've been on the force so long you think you've seen it all, but you haven't. 'Cause life's always got one more surprise for you. And sometimes, it's a big one.
Jonesy: From where I'm sitting, we're dealing with shit that ain't in the manual.
John Hobbes: [as Jonesy and Stanton pull up to the cabin] I know you're here.
[Speaks in ancient Arabic]
John Hobbes: Haven't you had enough? You made me kill an innocent man, you...
[begins to cry]
John Hobbes: murdered by brother, come on out you son of a bitch! How much fun can you have, huh?
Lt. Stanton: [Comes out] What? Who are you talking to? I didn't do any of that. I'm just one of the guys sent up here to bring you in. Now, drop the gun, I know you have one.
[Draws his own gun]
Lt. Stanton: You're making me do this, drop the goddamn gun.
Jonesy: [Comes out] Do what he says, Hobbes.
John Hobbes: He's here too?
John Hobbes: Lou, Tiff, come on out!
Lt. Stanton: It's just us.
John Hobbes: [to Jonesy] Jonesy, you know I didn't do any of this.
Lt. Stanton: We both like to believe you, Hobbes. But we gotta bring you in.
Jonesy: Stanton, I'm not sure I can do this.
Lt. Stanton: What the fuck are you talkin' about?
Jonesy: If we get rid of him, we drive his car into the lake, end of story. Why are we up here?
Lt. Stanton: We bring the son of a bitch in, that's why we're up here.If he did it, fine. If he didn't do it, even better. But it's not our job to decide, now drop the goddamn gun.
Jonesy: Put the goddamn gun down.
[Hobbes drops his gun]
Lt. Stanton: [sighs in relief] See, you think of what is gonna happen, then life brings you one more surprise.
[Shoots Stanton in the head and reveals that Jonesy is possessed by Azazel]
Jonesy: Sometimes, it's a big one.
John Hobbes: Sometimes, I think the basic job that human beings have is just to figure out what the hell is going on.
Jonesy: Everything is a motive. SICKNESS is a motive.
John Hobbes: I can feel the love in this room man.
John Hobbes: You leave my family alone.
Azazel: But I'm still having fun! Aren't you still having fun?
John Hobbes: The criminals don't accept consequences. They kill somebody, somehow it's not their fault.